[rudyanne]

I am a bmom and my bson and I found each other a year a half ago. I have struggled with his contact issues in this time, by that I mean he does not keep reg. contact. Like some posts say I don't agree that this is a guy thing, albeit he is only 21. I have two other children and I have raised them to be respectful and kind and decent to others. At times I just want to send my bson an email that says were you not brought up better than this? Although, I feel I have no right to say that to him. So I end up resenting his actions or lack of respect. I check my email to the point of distraction and sent him one that said basically your in or your out make up your mind and the ball is in your court. I have not heard from him. This happened in the past and months later I get an email from him saying he hadn't gotten the last email and he uses this excuse all the time. Funny how it is always his email that I have problems with and no one elses. So the question that I'm asking is what if you don't like what the aparents have done in child rearing and values they didn't instill or lack of respect they taught them. How do you get past this?

Stumped in the South!

[Crazed]

How do you know how the aparents raised him? It sounds like you are assuming it is their fault.
I have always encourage my ason to be courteous by phoning his relatives and in other ways.
He has been in contact with his bmom for 4 mths by email. Whenever I inquire if he has been in contact he shrugs his shoulders. I encourage him to be in touch with her. He is an adult and makes his own decisions so I am offended that you blame the aparents.
Not all adoptees want a relationship with their bfamily.
A supportive amom.

[kharma1130]

I tend to agree with crazed. He is a grown man and is responsible for his own actions. I have had some of the same issues with my bson. Just let it go. Seriously, you will feel much better. Been there, done that. Good luck to you!

[Mandie moo]

Hi, my bdaughter, wrote whenever she felt like it. Sometimes often and other times not for several weeks at a time.
I believe that they have times where they just don't want to. My raised daughter and son are the same way. I don't think it has anything to do with being raised a particular way or not.

I read on this board an adopted female once said that we the bmother is a stranger, the same as if meeting someone at a mall and expecting to hug that stranger is just not a natural thing to do, or something to that effect. It really opened my eyes, I understand more clearly now.

It is up to each indivdual to either accept how much one is able to give, not depend on more or expect the other to be the ideal desire of our hearts.

If we met someone not related, would we expect more from them. Wouldn't it be a huge burden added to expect more because we are related by blood and yet a stranger.

Three years of reunion, I am finally understanding that we can not hold ourselves hostage in hopes of more. Life and independence must continue weither we have all that we wish for or not. When any of our children write, we write back and that's basically it, I believe.

Good luck in your journey
mm

[Sun8]

My kids are not adopted, i am the adopted one. My daughter calls more often than my boys, she returns more calls and emails than they do as well. When one of them doesnt return a call or email where i have not requested they do so, like needing an answer to a time sensitive thing, i dont mind. I know they are busy with thier life and i dont want them to feel as tho they have to apease me. When they call i know they are doing it because they want to, not because they think i want them to. At times they have done somthing or things that i wish were different in order for it to fit for me better. I remeber to look back to when i was at that age and what i did, how i acted, what was influencing me etc. Might want to ask your self..what was i doing at 21? what was i like and what was influencing me. Sometimes i dont like what they do, but i will always love them even if i dont care for their actions. I brought them into this world by my choice, not theirs. They dont need to do things to please me, it is the other way around, I am their mother, they are my gifts.
My birth mother on the other hand talked to me once, and decided i guess that she was out. She never said it, she just said she didnt know who i was when i called for the second time. Obviously we are very different.