[Eden_Chai]

I was contacted back in January by my bmom. It wasn't something that I had planned on ever doing myself. I've always been content in the knowledge of who I was and though curious, just never considered taking that step. Things have progressed really well. We've connected easily, we're so similar it's incredible and it's been smooth for the most part and though I've had my moments of guilt in regards to my amom, it was smooth sailing up until last week. I've yet to meet my bmom. We've made plans for the middle of April, she's a 4 hour drive away and I'm a mom myself so getting away is a little difficult, and we're still trying to take it a little slow. We talk primarily through email due to crazy schedules and about once a week talk for an hour+.

Her sister came up to see her last weekend and we didn't get to talk hardly at all. I got an email from her just saying, I wish you were here and another a couple of lines and saying she misses me. Admittedly, I freaked. All of a sudden, out of the blue, I'm freaking. I'm not surprised, just at a loss, I knew somewhere down the line I was going to hit the rollercoaster. I sat there and for the first time thought, "What in the world do you want from me? You gave me up, and that's ok, but what do you expect from me now?" I felt the resentment start to rise up. Anger, something I'd never felt toward her. She respects that I have a family, that I have a mom. But I guess I feel like maybe with those 2 statements, or just her openly admitting it, and me not being ready to hear it, that a that I was pushed to hard.

Do I say something to her? Do I wait until I go up there? I don't even know our story yet. I've respected that she wants to tell me face to face. Do I just sit down with her and talk about it all at once? I've noticed my withdrawl. I know she has. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't pretend either. She's amazing, and the friendship we've begun to form is great, but I still need to take certain things slow...

[amyshaw]

Eden
Definitely tell her how you are feeling. If she's going to fast, tell her that you need to slow down. Remind her that you have a mom, but that you still want to get to know her. She's probably excited, and in a hurry to make up for all the lost years, but those years were different for you than they were for her. She's probably been waiting, and hoping, etc, while you were very happy in your life (which is exactly what she wanted for you).
The kindest thing you can do is to be honest with her. Otherwise, it's possible you'll pull away altogether, and I don't think either of you wants that.

[Mandie moo]

Hello
If you don't mind my input, I can tell you that I also felt sincere feelingins of missing my daughter whenever there was a period of not messaging for what ever reasons. I told her the one time, she didn't respond. I have found that during the first two yrs of reunion, that some things I would say, she would keep to herself and several months of feeling angry, she would then explode in an angry manner and actually twist my words into what she thought they were. Many times she was so off base that I would end up confused with her thinking.

I think that if she would have been more open with how she felt or thought she thought what I was saying, would have helped us both very much. I was always left wondering where does she get these ideas from.

So I agree with the other poster, it is always best to share your thoughts and feelings. This way your bmother can learn as you go through your reunion. It is very difficult to have to second guess after we have unintentioinally caused anger.

Having sincere and open communication is a huge key in a successful relationship. Its the misinterruptations and assumptions that cause the most damage.

Try to remember that those expressions that we mothers use seem natural to us and we need to hear your kindly objections.

I wish you all a successful relationship.
mm

Originally Posted by Eden_Chai

I was contacted back in January by my bmom. It wasn't something that I had planned on ever doing myself. I've always been content in the knowledge of who I was and though curious, just never considered taking that step. Things have progressed really well. We've connected easily, we're so similar it's incredible and it's been smooth for the most part and though I've had my moments of guilt in regards to my amom, it was smooth sailing up until last week. I've yet to meet my bmom. We've made plans for the middle of April, she's a 4 hour drive away and I'm a mom myself so getting away is a little difficult, and we're still trying to take it a little slow. We talk primarily through email due to crazy schedules and about once a week talk for an hour+.

Her sister came up to see her last weekend and we didn't get to talk hardly at all. I got an email from her just saying, I wish you were here and another a couple of lines and saying she misses me. Admittedly, I freaked. All of a sudden, out of the blue, I'm freaking. I'm not surprised, just at a loss, I knew somewhere down the line I was going to hit the rollercoaster. I sat there and for the first time thought, "What in the world do you want from me? You gave me up, and that's ok, but what do you expect from me now?" I felt the resentment start to rise up. Anger, something I'd never felt toward her. She respects that I have a family, that I have a mom. But I guess I feel like maybe with those 2 statements, or just her openly admitting it, and me not being ready to hear it, that a that I was pushed to hard.

Do I say something to her? Do I wait until I go up there? I don't even know our story yet. I've respected that she wants to tell me face to face. Do I just sit down with her and talk about it all at once? I've noticed my withdrawl. I know she has. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't pretend either. She's amazing, and the friendship we've begun to form is great, but I still need to take certain things slow...

[Lynard1210]

Eden,

What you are feeling is very common in adoptees, especially because you were "found" - not searching. If you can find the time, read "Lost and Found" by Betty Jean Lifton. I felt that way a little bit when I received my first birthday card that said "daughter" from my birth mom this year. First, I was excited that she acknowledged by birthday (since she had no idea of the actual date) but then I felt all sorts of mixed feelings about "daughter". I really believe that adoptees experience different feelings of loss than to birth mothers. As a mother yourself, you can only imagine how it must have felt to place a baby and never know what happened to her. I try to remember that when dealing with my birth mom. She has a certain level of emotional attachment to me (or the idea of me) that I may never get to. I'm still early in the reunion, but those are my thoughts up to this point. I don't know that it is necessary or appropriate to specifically outline to your birth mother exactly how freaked out you are about everything. You might want to tell her you need some time and space to process all your conflicting emotions. My birth mom is in another state so I process in between letters and phone calls and at this time, neither of us is pushing anything. But if she lived close by, I could see where it would be more of an issue, considering my a-mom isn't very fond of the idea of my reunion (and also lives with me).

Hope I helped in some way,

[Blue Irish Eyes]

Hi,
I ws on the other side of the situation. For reasons too long to go into here, I was the one who searched. I located my bmother and talked to her only once. She made it clear she wanted no contat in the future. I learned from her that I "was the result of an assault". Other than that she shared nothing with me though she was so lovely on the phone...she could have hung up etc but didn't. By other means I leanred I have half siblings and last year ( 3 years after I talked to my bmother) I met my half brother. All seemed wonderful at first and I did learn more about her ( she died in 2005). But then my half sister, his full sister, got into the mix and in short threatened to sue if I ever called her again. So I won't learn much more about my bmother. However I did find a cousin...and of all things, she is an adoptee too....they tossed me out but my aunt adopted girl....so we are The Black Sheep of the family as THEY have not accepted her as kin. How sad is that? However, my cousin and I have gone forward and formed family and it is the most wonderful thing. I have my afamily and I have not and will not share this side of my life with them.
I understand about the nerves..it is very real indeed. I might suggest thinking through and putting pen to paper and jotting down just what your feelings are and formulating what you might like to say. But say it kindly. Remember, you don't know, yet, what the whole story is. It could be something remarkable that will enrich your life. Circumstances rarely end like mine. So try not to be angry with her...she loved you enough to bring you into this world and give you the chance for a happy life.
Sort of look at this as two grown adults meeting to discuss somthing important to both of you. After you hear her out and get a feel for what she is all about then you can decide which course of action to take..either allow the relationship to grow or put it at an end. If you do put it to an end..do it kindly, not like what happened to me. I didn't threaten them in any way at all and yet got threats..and threats come from people who are afraid for some reason.
Just be open to all the information you can get. I needed medical info and won't get it. Who knows. maybe your biomother will share important info that you will need for your future.
Good luck..

[Eden_Chai]

Thanks for all the feedback. I've decided to speak with her about how I'm feeling. Miscommunication is the worst, and I know she's felt my withdrawl and I *think* is responding to mine.
I don't want to lose what I've gained so far, but I realize that most of my issue has come from the fact that I have tried to respect that she has yet to tell me about my past. Where I came from, why she gave me up. She wanted to tell me face to face, but we haven't been able to meet yet and that was 3 months ago. I'm still waiting. I haven't pushed, but why should I have to wait... I was so wrapped up in the excitement and craziness of it all, that it bothered me only for a minute and I kept going... Then with saying she wished I was there, I felt like that amnesia patient? The one that is with a person who knows you, but you don't even know about yourself... The beginning I thought I had isn't true. That's ok, but right now, I don't HAVE a beginning until she chooses to tell me... I'm having the childish *ME* moment. But she came back into my life, I think I deserve to know. I deserved to know the answers 3 months ago...at least that's how I feel it should have been.

I feel like I'm rambling, so I'm off to bed. But wish me luck, and thanks guys!

[Mil]

Hi - I'm a birthmother in reunion with my son for the past 5 1/2 yrs. It's a good reunion - I couldn't be happier.

Maybe some of how I felt might be how your bmother feels. My son searched and found me. I was thrilled. Thank goodness both of us wanted things to progress rather quickly. But we had the typical rollercoaster ride. He told me he had always loved me and that his parents had always presented me in a good light. And of course, I had always loved him. But I had more of an open attachment to him. I had memories of him - he had none of me, of course. And we talked about this. When I was pregnant with him, I would talk to him and rub my stomach as I talked and when he would start his acrobatics inutero, I would laugh at him and talk to him. I knew he was a boy from the second I found out about him and was very attached. I saw him after he was born, so I felt I 'knew' him. Of course, as a grown man, he was a stranger. But to him, I was a COMPLETE stranger, even though he loved me. So maybe this is where your birthmother is coming from. She has memories of you and now that she has contact with you, she's really wanting more and is probably going through flashbacks of her pregnancy and all the stuff surrounding that. Yes, she placed you for adoption. And has probably spent the rest of her life wondering and quite possibly regretting doing so. Or maybe not regretting, but wondering. And now that you are within her reach, she misses you and wishes the day would hurry up and come when she can finally hold you in her arms. This is such an overwhelming time for her! I know it is for you too, but I'm just speaking from my experience.

I think the advice above is great. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Communication and honesty is extremely important if you have hopes of this going smoothly. It's so easy to take something the wrong way when that's not at all what the other person intended. I'm glad you're intending to talk to her about this.

Good luck and I hope you have a great reunion.