[gr8fuladoptee]

Hi there,

Anyone else have moments of apathy/numbness during the search and contact phase? Let me explain.
I was seriously thinking about contacting my bfamily and a few months ago I sent for my original birth certificate. There were some obstacles to getting my birth certificate and I just haven't tried anything since then. It's really weird because I was all excited about finding my family a few months ago and now I'm just like,whatever, I'm not actively searching for them.
I even had some free time this weekend and thought it would be a good chance to write a letter to my bmom. But I don't have much emotion to put in the letter right now. So I'm afraid it might sound cold.

I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this dry time before?

[healingfeeling]

everyone has those "dry times" even after reunion....sometimes its like "what am i doing?! these people are strangers why do i obsess so much?" and other times i am so glad i made the effort.

you could always start your letter and then work on it when you're out of your dry spell!

[amyshaw]

I am SO glad I'm not the only one who feels like this! There are times when I'm obessed with searching-I'm on the computer checking web-sites, posting every where, waiting by the phone for ISRR to call.
Then there are times where I don't check, and honestly, don't care. Part of me even says "the heck with it. I'm registered, if they want contact, let them come to me."
I'm thinking part of my problem is the holidays, and the post-holiday let down. Every year, around Thanksgiving, I get to thinking "this is the year, I'll find them and it will be an AWESOME Christmas", but when it doesn't happen, there's such a let-down, it's almost depression.
I'm sure I'm driving my family crazy with the mood swings, but they're so supportive, they just go with the flow, and I love them for it.
So here I sit, on the fence bewteen wanting and not wanting, and hopefully tomorrow the phone will ring!

[gr8fuladoptee]

Thanks for sharing your experience It makes me feel better. Yeah, I think you are right about holidays,they always trip me up and I start thinking about it a lot more around that time. Also when I didn't get my original birth certificate like I thought,I kind of gave up on everything for a while.

Maybe I'll try writing the letter sometime soon. I'm stuck inside with all this nasty weather.

[kpartida]

gr8tful: I searched for over 20 years and just found this past December.

I too went through "Dry Spells". Around my birthday and holidays I searched like a mad woman.

When I requested and then didn't get the info I had hoped for I took a break, sometimes for months at a time. I think of this as a healing break. It's very dissapointing to not be able to get the information you have requested.

Good luck and do what feels comfortable for you in your own time frame.

[Lynard1210]

Ambivelance should have been my middle name. It took me years to go through the process of deciding, searching and finally taking the plunge to have someone else search for me when my search didn't pan out. I think it is mainly fear-based. For me, it was fear of rejection. Some days I felt strong and could face whatever outcome and other times I couldn't bare the thought of trudging forward into the great unknown.

Other things would sideline my search . . .a snide remark from my mom (guilt trip!) or just being busy with life.

I had asked my doctor to request my birth records hoping that this would be my big breakthrough and when it didn't work out, I shelved everything for a few months.

I wrote my "Dear Birthmother" letter a year and a half before she ever received it! By the time she read it, several major things had changed in my life.

I was very fortunate in that my reunion was a positive experience, but the fear of rejection is ever-present still. Would she acknowledge my birthday since she didn't remember my birth? Turns out she did this year. It made me really happy to receive birthday cards from both my birthmom and birthsister.

[BrockBaby]

The way I search is about as predictable as Ohio weather...hot one day, cold the next...then unseasonably warm days followed by snow the next. I've always considered myself a "sorta searcher" because I'd do somethings and then when that didn't work, or didn't get all the results I wanted, I'd stop for a while. I actually had some people who use to give me grief over the way I searched. They felt that because I wasn't doing EVERYTHING that I SHOULD or COULD be doing, that I was not "trying". That because I was doing things MY way, that I was "wrong". They went as far as to critize the fact that I am not telling my aparents of MY choice to search. They are MY family and I, and I alone, will decide when the best time is to tell them. I have since blown off what THEY thought, and decided that MY search was just that, MINE!!!! And whenever I decided to do it, for how long, and at what "temp" was MY choice!!!! So don't let your off and on again feelings make you feel bad. I just this week decided to contact a volunteer searcher. THIS IS A MAJOR DEAL FOR ME!!!! I feel like this decision is more dramatic then choosing to go to get my masters!!! So take your time, do it in your style and how and when YOU want to!! Best wishes!!!

[Lynard1210]

I hear you on the Ohio weather . .. currently at 19 degree chill factor . . . what's up with that? It felt like spring most of 2006!

I love it when other people, especially people who are not part of the triad, try and tell you what you "should" tell your own parents. I was scolded by a fellow adoptee who was in a long-term reunion with her mother that I deserved to be lashed with a wet noodle for breaking the "cardinal rule" of reunions . . .she claimed I was putting my birth family ahead of my adoptive family and stated that it was rude of my birth family to invite me for the holidays.

I must have missed the reunion cardinal rules class.

[InionGrinn]

Yep. Major dry spells for me during the search process, which was about 2 years for me.

Funny, it was an email I sent out during a dry spell (an "oh what the heck, I'll give it one more try, it's been so long") that connected me within weeks to birthfamily.

And looking back, I had all the info I needed to make contact (wasn't 100% sure it was good info, but it was) within days of receiving my non-id info in 2004.

Keep writing even if your emotions aren't in it. It could help even you out to have that writing when you head into a particularly dramatic emotional period. Those happen, too!

[BrockBaby]

Lynn,
I must have missed the class too!!! Either that or they forgot to inform us of it! After all, we can't handle the TRUTH!!!!

Yes people need to give you what THEY think is the best advice. Most of the time though, I am not asking for it!!!! Just because I talk about adoption, ect, unless I ASK you what to do, I don't want to hear it! Sound rude?! Well, too bad! LOL Seriously I am not a rude person, but there are times......

[healingfeeling]

alysa! i'm sitting here giggling about what you just wrote about not wanting people's advice! i feel the same way...just because i say something about being adopted does NOT mean i want to hear about this person that they know who is adopted and they found their family and it was horrible and all this other crap about loyalty, etc..... lol....... for making me smile!

[JacquelineC]

Dry Spells? Is that what that was?

I started actively searching when my first son was born (I was 22) and I was off and on the search over the years. Last February, before I turned 34 I was feeling down when I was searching and decided to send an email to a search angel/PI from a different website. The cost was fairly minimal (I'm sure I spent that much calling the over 200 listings for my birth family name every year) and my husband backed me 110%. I told him and my best friend only because, as someone else mentioned, my mom seemed to make remarks that would deter me. Or else, she'd try so hard to help that it would just make the feeling worse.

I would never tell anyone they should or shouldn't search. I'm preparing for my first meeting and I argue back and forth with myself whether I should or shouldn't go.

My biggest regret is telling people I want the dna test. No one I know understands that I need/want it for closure. My therapist says it's because I want the world to know (ok..so just my mother's family who tossed her out on the streets when she was pregnant) that I belong somewhere. Haha!
Good luck on your search.

[BrockBaby]

Healing....I'm glad that you got my humor! I am waiting for the blasts of "how you shouldn't bring something up if you don't want to hear about it!!!" JUST KIDDING!!!!!
And isn't it amazing how EVERYONE knows someone whose third cousin six times removed once talked to an adoptee at the airport, and they think you, being adopted and all..would just LOVE to hear about it!!
Could we maybe start a thread..Sarcastic Thoughts Of a Sarcastic Adoptee???!!! Just a thought

[healingfeeling]

Originally Posted by Alysa

Healing....I'm glad that you got my humor! I am waiting for the blasts of "how you shouldn't bring something up if you don't want to hear about it!!!" JUST KIDDING!!!!!
And isn't it amazing how EVERYONE knows someone whose third cousin six times removed once talked to an adoptee at the airport, and they think you, being adopted and all..would just LOVE to hear about it!!
Could we maybe start a thread..Sarcastic Thoughts Of a Sarcastic Adoptee???!!! Just a thought

lmao!!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha, you are hillarious! i say go for the thread.....i know quite a few adoptees that would have some great stories to share. i find it hillarious that lately if someone finds out i'm reunited they decide to tell me about a lady at work who is trying to adopt from Russia or something completely unrelated to me and my reunion!....or they like to tell you about a certain celebrity who is adopted.....so lame!!!!!! i just do the smile and nod thing. (and if you didn't realize it......darth vader was a birthfather.......lol......"luke, i am your father." you should say that to someone with a straight face next time they try to counsel you on your adoption issues!