[MrsHoot]

I posted this in another catagory but am also interested in hearing for any exprienced bmom's who may have been through a similar situation so here goes...

Hello all! I'm fairly new here but I'm sincerely looking for some insight into recent events....to give you the readers digest version of "my story" - I am a birthmother to a 22 year old woman that I've been in recent email contact with. You see I found her listed here 10 days ago and long story short after registering one night I was talking to her via email within 3 hours - a truely amazing exprierence!

But to give you a little back-story...I placed my daughter through a private adoption, In "thoses days" open adoption was in it's infancy so mine was really as open as it got back then. I chose her parents, I met with them several times, we discussed the child being raised with the understanding that she was adopted...we all agreed that she was special because so many people loved her and wanted her - she was not just "given away". And once I "selected" them, I came to feel the baby I was carrying was theirs, not mine...I guess detachment was easier for me.

I was aloud to write her a letter, which they promised to give her - along with a picture that I placed in a handmade box for her....now please understand I poured my heart and soul into this letter. I told her everything, I gave her all of my info, including my SS#, so that if/when she wanted to she could find me without years of searching. I tried to answer every question she might have so that she wouldn't spend years wondering why...

Fast forward 22 years, I find her, make email contact and find out she has the box, has the picture but no letter - she didn't even know there was a letter and said "boy, if I had that I probably would have looked for you years earlier"...I was crushed but figured her aparents just felt that it was better to hang on to it until she was older, but she turned 21 in January. So to me, that have no plans on ever giving it to her and now I think it was held as a test - if she ever asked about it they would KNOW that she had been in contact with me....just my thought...

Anyway, Bdaughter and I are having a wonderful time chatting across email for a couple days, she's excited and happy that I have contacted her, we've sent current pictures back and forth, I've told her where I am now, about her two 1/2 sisters, everything except the questions I know she really wants answers to but is afraid to ask - everything "the letter" would have explained to her.

Now the reason I haven't done this yet is I'm trying to be respectful of her - I honestly feel that I couldn't have gotten in touch with her at a worse time in her life - she's a senior in college and is in the middle of all kinds of senior projects, finals, etc. So I have been trying to keep my emails light and just waiting until her finals are over before I "lay the heavy stuff" on her. Besides which it's been awefully hard for me to go back 22 years to re-live everything and write it all down (again)....

So I think everything is going along fine, I know she's blow away and going through the same rollercoaster of emotions that I'm going through, but all in all it starts off as being a positive expierence for both. That is until I stumble across her myspace page and read her recent blogs (something I wish I'd never done, it's really been a double edged sword)...

In her blogs shes talks about the excitement with me and how suprised she was that her parents were being supportive. The next day she speaks about how sorry she is that she's let so many people down including her aparents who have told her that they are "hearbroken and upset" that she has chosen to return "my mom's emails"...I tried to let that one go by (I was thrilled to see her use the word mom when she meant me!) but all of a sudden I didn't hear from her for a couple of days...again, tried to let that go by knowing how busy she is right now but last night blog entry states that her Mother is making so many snipes about it (contact/me) that her Mother's comments are now unwelcome.

So I ask you - what does this woman have against me? Why is she making sniping commets to her daughter about 1st contact and/or me- what have I done so wrong? I gave her the most precious gift in the world - the chance to be a mother! Why am I the bad guy? I feel like she lied to me 22 years ago and I feel so betrayed!!!! Why would they agree to give her everything I sent with her and then withhold "the letter" from her. Why don't they want her to get her questions answered?

I understand that aparents are not the superheros we as bmothers sometimes think of them as and feelings change over the years but in my opinion if you are planning to be and aparent you HAVE to EXPECT that one day your child will want to see/meet/talk to people who look like them...and I would urge anyone in this situation to support their children in this quest...they have enough love to go around for all of us. I don't want to take her place, how could I she will always be her "Mom"...don't withold from them, it only hurts all of us...I had nothing but love and respect for this woman who is her amother, why can't she feel the same way about me? What did I do so wrong?

thank you for listening to the ramblings of a hurt and upset birthmother - your comments/suggestions and or support are incredibly appreciated....

[lonni]

I am sorry this is happening. Some of my adopted friends have called this an adoptee sandwich. My adparents did not act that way and we ourselves have an open adoption with our adopted son. I can not say what make adparents become so threatened by a relationship. My guess (just a guess) is some type of fear.

[MrsHoot]

It a shame they are no secure enough to know their child has enough love to go around...well, I thought mine was open too, I never expected they withheld "the letter" from her...I've been expecting the phone to ring or a knock at the door for years - because I thought she had the letter, I just feel so horrible they are adding to her insecurities right now...and if I didn't say so, thank you for the kind words and I'm very happy for you regarding your own situation and that you had the support you needed.

[amyshaw]

Mrs Hoot,
I'm both an adoptee and a b-mom. I can't speak for your daughter's a-mom, but I know when I first spoke of searching for my mother, my a-mom hit the ceiling. Her first comment was "Why would you want to do that? She gave you away once, why do you think she'd want you in her life now?" Well, you and I both know that b-moms do not "give their children away." Another comment she made was "Why do you want to find her? Aren't we good enough for you?" I guess these are all comments that stem from a fear of losing the child they'd raised. I think b-moms always fear that the b-mom will be younger, prettier, nicer, cooler, more fun, etc. and that the child will no longer "need" their a-mom. This couldn't be further from the truth!!
I have a couple of suggestions. First, have your daughter sit down with her mom and tell her that even though she's found you, she will ALWAYS need her other mom in her life. Then, if possible, write to or call her mom. For now, forget the fact that they betrayed you in the past by with-holding the letter. Just let her know that you (maybe) want to thank her for raising such a beautiful young lady, and that you don't want to steal her, you just want a small place in her life.
These are just suggestions, but maybe they'll help.
Congrats on finding her!!

[MrsHoot]

Thanks amy - I've tried to send good messages through BD and I've said things like; tell them I like your name better than the one I gave you, your parents must be so proud of you - I even deffended them by telling BD to give them a chance and don't be scared to tell them, they will support you - we all just want what's best for you - we all love you...etc.,

Anyway, I'm not even supposed to know there are "problems" so I can't in anyway suggest to BD a way in which to handle aparents situation and I offered to speak with them, (give them my contact info - I would love to speak with them, I said to BD) I just don't think they want that right now. As for forgiving - it's going to take a few more days to get to that point...rewritting "the letter" has been a tough thing to do and very time consuming, it's also brought up all kinds of family issues for me as well...

Again - thanks, it really helped to have this place to vent. My tears have subsided as everyday begins to take over for the day...

[izabelle]

Congrats on making contact!!!I am an adoptee in reunion and have not told my amom about it (i have been in reunion for almost a year and am 37 years old) One day, i was speaking to her and gently raised questions about my adoption and that i was now curious about my "heritage" and she did not seem to be that supportive or should i say she seemed very uptight. I have come to realize that i believe she has her own issues relating to adoption such as infertility. I don't think she grieved over the loss of her not being able to give birth to her own child. I saw this was when i was pregnant with my first daughter. For me i feel as if i am a "possession" to her. Not in a bad way, just i know she would want to protect me from being hurt and i feel she would be very insecure about it. For petes sake last year i decided that we would spend Christmas eve with my husbands side of the family. She took it as a direct insult that i was not with her family!! I felt for me the only way i would be able to try to have a reunion was to let go of any guilt i had about being curious and making contact and to not include her at this point. I know in the future i would like her to know but i feel so early in reunion would not be a good thing for me. If either my ** or i had made contact with her included i could say without a shadow of a doubt it would be a verrrrry bumpy rollercoaster ride!! Hang in there.

[Crazed]

I'm an amother just starting the reunion journey. My son is waiting for an email from his bmom.
I've always expected my son to search, I'm still over whelmed as it happened so quickly.
From my perspective I'm trying to be very supportive but I confess to some apprehension and fear.
I want to hug my son and protect him from being hurt.
We have been open and honest - we held back some info that we didn't know how to explain but I have now shared it with him.
As for the letter I don't understand. Maybe they put it in a safe place until they felt she was old enough to read it. I can't get to my son's letter but he knows about it.
For now continue to love from a distance. Your daughter must be feeling very pulled and confused.

[Jannyroo]

In her blogs shes talks about the excitement with me and how suprised she was that her parents were being supportive. The next day she speaks about how sorry she is that she's let so many people down including her aparents who have told her that they are "hearbroken and upset" that she has chosen to return "my mom's emails"...I tried to let that one go by (I was thrilled to see her use the word mom when she meant me!) but all of a sudden I didn't hear from her for a couple of days... her Mother is making so many snipes about it (contact/me) that her Mother's comments are now unwelcome. So I ask you - what does this woman have against me? Why is she making sniping commets to her daughter about 1st contact and/or me- what have I done so wrong? I gave her the most precious gift in the world - the chance to be a mother! Why am I the bad guy? I feel like she lied to me 22 years ago and I feel so betrayed!!!! Why would they agree to give her everything I sent with her and then withhold "the letter" from her. Why don't they want her to get her questions answered? I understand that aparents are not the superheros we as bmothers sometimes think of them as and feelings change over the years but in my opinion if you are planning to be and aparent you HAVE to EXPECT that one day your child will want to see/meet/talk to people who look like them...and I would urge anyone in this situation to support their children in this quest...they have enough love to go around for all of us. I don't want to take her place, how could I she will always be her "Mom"...don't withold from them, it only hurts all of us...I had nothing but love and respect for this woman who is her amother, why can't she feel the same way about me? What did I do so wrong?


Hi, I am a birthmother in reunion (7months) with my son and I did leave a letter and photos for my son with the adoptive agency which he found at the age of 27. My letter was read with eagerness but he cried his eyes out. It is an overwhelming experience, even my second letter (email) to him knocked him for six. He read a paragraph and had to go to bed and sleep as it was too overwhelming for him and thats with him searching for me! I naively thought after reunion that everything would slot into place and be tickety boo. There is that great honeymoon period, but then the emotions explode and the tsunami grips. Don't worry too much in my opinion about the letter and what the aparents did or did not do. They know your child, they are the parents after 22 years and we are kind of guest stars into our childs lives many years on. Hurts, but can't change it. We cannot be "mum" in the same way, as we didn't raise them, but we can build up a great relationship with them from this moment on. My son calls me mum and calls his amum mum too. I don't mind that. I would say that it is bound to hurt. Nothing about reunion is not going to hurt, it will hurt all parties. The more understanding you can be in your heart with her aparents and understand that they are hurting. Lets face it, it has to hurt eh? You feel that they should expect their adopted child to search for you (a lot of adoptees don't) but equally, you have to anticipate and allow for the hurt that such a search will result in for all round. As you go through these forums and pick up on other experiences, you will get the gist of what all members of the "triad" go through. You have a happy response from your daughter (thats great!), but there will be pull back ( I wish I'd been warned about this, but its perfectly normal, as the child/bparent who has searched/been found tries to come to terms with their emotions and the responses they get from us). My son withdrew and I had to chill out and let him, but I would encourage you to look at the book you may get from the library (I did) by Julie Bailey & Lynn Giddens about surviving adoption reunion and beyond. It will help you get an all round perspective. I really wish I'd had this information to start with. I would gently try to get you to accommodate what you perceive as unreasonable reactions, as when our feelings are involved, how can any of us guarantee to be reasonable? or act in a timely fashion? We hope we will, but powerful forces are in play in adoption, as the agonised pleas come across in this forum. Everything needs to slow down, or the relationship will implode. My son and I emailed almost every day, but it can't carry on indefinitely like that, it has to slow down for sanity!. If you are able to make allowances for the fact that not only did you do them a "favour" by allowing this person to be a mom, they also did you a favour by bringing your child up as their own and that I imagine is a huge step of love. We really need to try and be kind in all aspects of the "triad" and I hope you can find it in your heart to ignore the responses and the "snipes" and concentrate on a loving and generous relationship with your child, and try to "explode" your feelings with us (a good move) and not express them if possible, to your child, as she will feel pulled in loyalties. There needn't be a conflict of loyalties. They are the parents, and your child has decided that contact with you is the beginning of what could be a lovely relationship. Remember, that there is no guarantee this will work. As this forum testifies, things can end, so we want to get it right, eh? I sent the aparents of my son a letter carefully worded to let them know and reassure them that I wasn't there to take over or replace them, they are his parents, she is his mum - for 28 years she has been his mum. I could reason "what right do I have to say, well thanks now I'm his mum". None at all in my opinion. Its not about rights. Its about finding each other and showing consideration all round to get the best results for our child. Even if you don't initially get a great response from the aparents or you may choose to leave contacting them, I think you are lucky to have your child respond at 22 years, as most aren't emotionally ready until late 20's, it blows them away. Anyway, its promising in that she mentioned in her blogs that her aparents are supportive, so there's a consolation. The aparents may have decided that she wasn't ready for the letter (the adoption society told me that my son's amom has a good understanding of her son and I believe that to be true) and wanted to see how she developed emotionally, who knows? but if you hang onto the rage about it, it could damage everything. I wouldn't want to see that, as after 6 excruciating months of hell of my son and I trying to get our emotions sorted out, we have reached a level where we are comfortable. Aim for that. Realise that it is extremely hard work this reunion stuff, you need all the help you can get. I'm not convinced that my son's mum could cope with contact from me direct, (other than the one reassurance) and I pick up on the fact that she is hurting (as my son and I have got close very quickly and that's one thing they haven't, is that bond - so that has got to hurt too, I feel so much for her). Keep posting. I wish you much love and warmth from your daughter and hope it goes well.

[loveajax]

Sorry, Mrs. Hoot, I replied in the other forum already -- I thought my post got lost!! Good luck!

[MrsHoot]

Thanks for the input, all and congrat to those of you in reunion. I suppose it could be that they were waiting until she was mature enough in their opinion but I would think her telling them she's in contact would be enough to prompt them to say - oh BTW we have this letter you may want...

And no worries, Rage is not taking over - I simply came here to vent as many of us find, peopole in our everyday lives just can not understand what we are going through. I'm trying to be understanding and I don't say anything to BD but positive things about aparents but it just burns me inside.

And a quick update - JUST got an email from BD, 1st one in days!!! She's finfished with finals and is now off school for 10 days...I'm just so happy to hear from her at all....again, thanks for the support all!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by MrsHoot

Thanks for the input, all and congrat to those of you in reunion. I suppose it could be that they were waiting until she was mature enough in their opinion but I would think her telling them she's in contact would be enough to prompt them to say - oh BTW we have this letter you may want...

And no worries, Rage is not taking over - I simply came here to vent as many of us find, peopole in our everyday lives just can not understand what we are going through. I'm trying to be understanding and I don't say anything to BD but positive things about aparents but it just burns me inside.

And a quick update - JUST got an email from BD, 1st one in days!!! She's finfished with finals and is now off school for 10 days...I'm just so happy to hear from her at all....again, thanks for the support all!

So glad to hear your news! I've reached a comfortable stage with my son and I can't wait for the day he feels he can meet me again, but well done for your self control, believe me, it pays dividends in the end. I've found a new inner me when it came to reunion that has made my friends proud and i'm sure the same can be said for you too. Enjoy, anticipate the tricky times, be ready for them (as my previous post, read up some and keep posting here, it is a marvellous support). I didn't think my son would find me, even want to, so I am overjoyed to get something very special between us now, bonding. Its lovely and I wish the same for you. Love sent your way.

[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by Crazed

As for the letter I don't understand. Maybe they put it in a safe place until they felt she was old enough to read it. I can't get to my son's letter but he knows about it.

Crazed, could you explain what you mean? Where is your son's letter?

[kakuehl]

Dear Mrs. Hoot,

I've read your story, but I don't know that I responded before. This is indeed a good place to vent. It's funny how easy it is to jump to conclusions... knowing that she was in the midst of finals (and all that entails) I'm sure it was still easy believe that she was avoiding you.

Someday you may know what happened to the letter. Until then... take it one day at a time.

My birth son's amom has had some problems with our reunion. I think it feels like a rejection. She thinks finding out medical info is ok. It has gotten better over the year. I keep trying to let her know that I don't want to replace her in D's life. I'm not trying to compete with her. D and his wife include both of us in family gatherings; gradually we'll forge our own relationship.

I found D at a good time in his life. He is comfortable in who he is and where he is in life. I think that has contributed to the positive relationship we've had so far. He told me that it would not have been very positive if we'd reunited when he was in his late teens or early 20s because he was very angry.

Your BD sounds like she will try hard to work through this - that she wants a relationship with you and with the family raised her. My prayers are with you all.

[Lilacsandroses]

SIMILARITIES: i'm a bmom, BD is just 25, she found me 1 1/2 yrs ago, we haven't met yet, we e-mailed and sent pics and wrote letters and talked on the phone a LOT in the first few months, 2005-the whole year was full of turmoil for her so our attempt at reunion has been kind of jinxed, now we hardly ever "communicate" in any way
DIFFERENCES: i don't believe there has been any hard feelings (or whatever) expressed to BD from her aparents regarding her finding me, but her brother influenced her actions because of his BAD reunion experience, and possibly her best friend who is also adopted
THE ONE THING that i have found here in these forums that is SO, SO TRUE is that EVERY ONE OF THESE STORIES IS DIFFERENT, there is no right or wrong situation, or reaction.
Find someone who will listen to your hearts aches and pains throughout your reunion....you'll need it, as well as someone to share all the littlest BRIGHT moments and make you feel even more blessed for them, you'll need that even more.
Good Luck

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by MrsHoot

I posted this in another catagory but am also interested in hearing for any exprienced bmom's who may have been through a similar situation so here goes...

Hello all! I'm fairly new here but I'm sincerely looking for some insight into recent events....to give you the readers digest version of "my story" - I am a birthmother to a 22 year old woman that I've been in recent email contact with. You see I found her listed here 10 days ago and long story short after registering one night I was talking to her via email within 3 hours - a truely amazing exprierence!

But to give you a little back-story...I placed my daughter through a private adoption, In "thoses days" open adoption was in it's infancy so mine was really as open as it got back then. I chose her parents, I met with them several times, we discussed the child being raised with the understanding that she was adopted...we all agreed that she was special because so many people loved her and wanted her - she was not just "given away". And once I "selected" them, I came to feel the baby I was carrying was theirs, not mine...I guess detachment was easier for me.

I was aloud to write her a letter, which they promised to give her - along with a picture that I placed in a handmade box for her....now please understand I poured my heart and soul into this letter. I told her everything, I gave her all of my info, including my SS#, so that if/when she wanted to she could find me without years of searching. I tried to answer every question she might have so that she wouldn't spend years wondering why...

Fast forward 22 years, I find her, make email contact and find out she has the box, has the picture but no letter - she didn't even know there was a letter and said "boy, if I had that I probably would have looked for you years earlier"...I was crushed but figured her aparents just felt that it was better to hang on to it until she was older, but she turned 21 in January. So to me, that have no plans on ever giving it to her and now I think it was held as a test - if she ever asked about it they would KNOW that she had been in contact with me....just my thought...

Anyway, Bdaughter and I are having a wonderful time chatting across email for a couple days, she's excited and happy that I have contacted her, we've sent current pictures back and forth, I've told her where I am now, about her two 1/2 sisters, everything except the questions I know she really wants answers to but is afraid to ask - everything "the letter" would have explained to her.

Now the reason I haven't done this yet is I'm trying to be respectful of her - I honestly feel that I couldn't have gotten in touch with her at a worse time in her life - she's a senior in college and is in the middle of all kinds of senior projects, finals, etc. So I have been trying to keep my emails light and just waiting until her finals are over before I "lay the heavy stuff" on her. Besides which it's been awefully hard for me to go back 22 years to re-live everything and write it all down (again)....

So I think everything is going along fine, I know she's blow away and going through the same rollercoaster of emotions that I'm going through, but all in all it starts off as being a positive expierence for both. That is until I stumble across her myspace page and read her recent blogs (something I wish I'd never done, it's really been a double edged sword)...

In her blogs shes talks about the excitement with me and how suprised she was that her parents were being supportive. The next day she speaks about how sorry she is that she's let so many people down including her aparents who have told her that they are "hearbroken and upset" that she has chosen to return "my mom's emails"...I tried to let that one go by (I was thrilled to see her use the word mom when she meant me!) but all of a sudden I didn't hear from her for a couple of days...again, tried to let that go by knowing how busy she is right now but last night blog entry states that her Mother is making so many snipes about it (contact/me) that her Mother's comments are now unwelcome.

So I ask you - what does this woman have against me? Why is she making sniping commets to her daughter about 1st contact and/or me- what have I done so wrong? I gave her the most precious gift in the world - the chance to be a mother! Why am I the bad guy? I feel like she lied to me 22 years ago and I feel so betrayed!!!! Why would they agree to give her everything I sent with her and then withhold "the letter" from her. Why don't they want her to get her questions answered?

I understand that aparents are not the superheros we as bmothers sometimes think of them as and feelings change over the years but in my opinion if you are planning to be and aparent you HAVE to EXPECT that one day your child will want to see/meet/talk to people who look like them...and I would urge anyone in this situation to support their children in this quest...they have enough love to go around for all of us. I don't want to take her place, how could I she will always be her "Mom"...don't withold from them, it only hurts all of us...I had nothing but love and respect for this woman who is her amother, why can't she feel the same way about me? What did I do so wrong?

thank you for listening to the ramblings of a hurt and upset birthmother - your comments/suggestions and or support are incredibly appreciated....

The letter could have been kept by the lawyer or social worker, or, the aparents could have thrown it away because someone told them too or they didn't want to have that information lying around.

The are afraid their child, will love you more then them. Fear will make anyone act different.

Give them time, maybe they will come around.

This type of attitude isn't good for the adoptee, she may resent them for it over time.

The adoptee isn't property that is owned by the adoptive parents.

Just give the whole thing some time.

The first christmas after I found my bson, which was only in October of that year. I called his home to wish him merry Christmas. He wasn't there but his amom was. She was surprised to hear from me. We had met 3 days after first contact. I think she might have thought I would just fade away.

That was in 1997 and bson and I try to see each other about once a year if possible, he lives in another state.

We do talk often son and I.

good luck