[kharma1130]

Help! Maybe some of you can help me figure out what's going on. My Bson contacted me 2 years ago. He was 34 at that time. I was thrilled! I had searched for him for years with no luck. We talked on the phone for 2 hours and he brought his wife and 2 children to my house within 2 weeks.We live 1 and 1/2 hours apart. I felt like my life was finally complete! It was wonderful. We emailed and visited frequently, but as time goes by he seems to withdraw more and more. His wife is now the one that does the emailing and keeps things going. She will invite me to visit and when I do, my Bson hardly speaks to me at all. He will give me a warm welcoming and a hug but then I end up spending most of my time with his wife and/or children. When I give him a present for Christmas or birthday he never says thank you. (He sends me presents also) He has invited me down to babysit 2 times but both times his Amom has shown up. She is very sweet and I do not want to be a threat to her in any way. I really like her very much. It seems like I am bonding with everyone but him. What is going on?

[Anetscat66]

I am so sorry that things are not going as expected!

It is my own opionion that maybe things are sinking in with your son too quickly and he is having a hard time accepting reconnecting. It doesn't mean it is you, so try not to take it personal! It could be that he is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't want his A-Mom to feel out of place.

It could be many things, his emotions are probably really running wild and his way of handleing them at this time is to step back and be distant.

I would be patient and take things slow and see how they go!

Rome wasn't built in a night and neither are relationships!

Best of luck to you and PM me if you ever want to talk!

Hugs :-)

[dmca]

Know what ? sounds like a "man thing" to me. lol.
You know, where men just let it all go along and as long as everyone is happy so are they? know that one?
Perhaps he wasn't taught properly how to thank people for presents ? He could just think that it's not necessary.
Again with the ( what I call) "man thing", he may think you are more comfortable with another woman? Some men can think like that you know.
You're lucky you can have a good relationship with his mother. that was a really important one for me. I can't help but love the woman who raised ( mothered?) my daughter so well and so lovingly.
sometimes men just don't think. Perhaps if you sat down with him and told him some of this gently it could work out better?
It doesn't appear from your post that he'd doing this intentionally to hurt you.
Big hugs and hang in there.
dmca

[snuffie]

I agree with others. It is probably a "guy" thing. And it sounds like he is happy that things are going so well that he can kind of "coast". Again, a "guy" thing.
It's true. Some people just weren't raised to say thank you even though they really like the gifts.

Also, reading the last part of your post where when you are asked to babysit his amom shows up it occured to me that even though she is very sweet and you two get along so well, there maybe a little bit of a feeling of insecurity there and that may explain some things.

It takes time in any reunion for everyone to reach their "comfort" zone. But it sounds like things are going really, really well. And I am so happy for you!

Hugs
Snuffie

[kharma1130]

Thanks to those of you who responded to my post. I guess these reunions are much more difficult than I had expected and I appreciate your input and opinions. Maybe it is a guy thing! LOL I raised 2 beautiful daughters and we are all so close (and very emotional) My oldest daughter,who is 33, has told me that she is jealous of my Bson and doesn't like some of the things he has done. Actually, I dont either and I've considered just breaking off the relationship for the sake of my daughter. But he is my SON, I can't do that! I couldn't bear to give him up again and I certainly dont want to hurt him but this is so taxing! I am emotionally drained. I am sorry to ramble on and on but this site is the only place where I can vent. Thank God I found it. And thank all of you for listening. I feel like I am absolutely going insane!!!!!!

[kakuehl]

First of all, what you've been describing is fairly common - you are not going insane (at least, you might be, but that's a different subject. LOL)

It seems often in relationships that men let their wives do the emotional and/or relationship work. In the 33 years I've been married, I've been the one who most often contacts DH's parents, keeping them posted on what's happening, etc. Buying the presents for them, etc.

We still tend to teach boys, "big boys don't cry." We teach them (consciously or not) to keep their emotions inside. Our society allows women to express emotions (other than concerning sports) much more easily than men.

I also think that it's normal for your oldest daughter to be jealous. (She's no longer the oldest!) My daughter spends lots of time with D (my bson) and his family. I don't think that her not liking some of the things he does is a good reason to break off the relationship. I don't like everything my children do but I will not break off my relationship with any of them. (They don't like everything I do either - they're good at letting me know!)

My bson is 34 and we've been in reunion for a year. According to his adad, he's never been very open emotionally. We seem to have an easy relationship, but we're almost always in the company of other members of the family. I do tend to be a little insecure about what D thinks and feels. (Apparently he is too because my other 2 have told me he will ask them about something I say or do.) I feel like D and my daughter have a stronger relationship at this point than D & I do. (I think I'm glad...)

The relationship with D's aparents is developing very slowly. D and his wife invite all of us to birthday parties, etc. They've invited all of us to Christmas. (There may be a bit of tension there - Christmas has apparently always been at the aparents before.)

All we can do is take it one day at a time. Even a couple years isn't long enough to bridge the years apart. Hang in there!

[Biggsista]

Dear kharma1130- Reunions can be heartwrenching and so bizarre.. Although I was not adopted, my brother was adopted out and we started talking again a few years ago when our father was sick.

In the very beginning it was wonderful, I finally felt like I had my brother back, we BOTH called each other, we BOTH visited..and then boom, he moved further away got married and had a child- now it is my husband and I who make ALL the effort to see them. Frankly I am tired of trying so hard, his wife was jealous of me from the beginning and I had heard some things that she had said about me through the grapevine that were lies to make my brother dislike me.. (she is a bit younger than myself so she is very insecure I think???)

It also seems now that if I dont go THROUGH her I can never talk to my brother, I am ticked off.. I didnt wait all these years to hear from a messenger how he is doing, I did that all along. I don't buy the "Guy" thing, common courtesy its called or another word is respect. When people call you, you call them back..MAKE an EFFORT as they do, show them that you really care. Actions speak so much louder than words. I am really at my wits end and now Im angry, something I never ever wanted to be.

I can relate somewhat to how you feel although it is not my son. A relationship takes two people, give and take equally. Anywho, I have rambled..I hope that he comes around as I wish my brother would.

One thing I am stubborn about is that I will not continue to go through his wife to have a relationship. I will have my own relationship with her if she likes, but I do not need a translator. "It seems like I am bonding with everyone but him" Been there done that...

[kharma1130]

Thanks Biggsista, I want to have a relationship with my son first and foremost. The rest of his family is important but I do not want to spend my entire weekend chatting with his wife! I am tired of trying so hard and not getting anything in return. You hit the nail right on the head, as far as I'm concerned. Good luck with your brother!

[kharma1130]

It just dawned on me that my Bson never says thank you to his Aparents either. He takes everything for granted I suppose. His Aparents are very, very wealthy. Unlike my daughters, I suppose he is used to getting everything he wants. He still eats dinner at his Aparents house almost every nite. Did they not teach him common courtesy? Does the world revolve around him? I guess I am more angry than I thought. Whatever, I wont close the door but the ball is in his court now. I'm exhausted.

[Biggsista]

well kharma, keep getting it off your chest it helps..I have been here alot because I am terrified that my anger is going to show through, when and if one of them call us again..and like you I don't want to close the door completely but the ball is also in his court.. It shouldnt be this hard and it is exhausting..keep me posted, take care!

[Lynn]

Hi All...I haven't posted in a very long time, but I do read many posts everyday. I am a birthmom in reunion with my son. He is 39 now, we met face to face when he was 33, in fact it was on his 33rd birthday. We were in contact for 2 years before we met. We still don't talk on the phone, we email, or should I say I email. Kharma1130, I know what you mean about being emotionally drained. I really don't know what to do anymore. The last time I saw him was 14 months ago. At that time he met his family. My parents, sister, his brother etc. The day was wonderful. He seemed to get along with everyone and they all thought he was great. Since then I have heard from him maybe 4 times. I did get a mothers day card this year. My first one. That was a great day for me. I keep saying I just have to give up and let things happen when they happen, but I know if I don't keep giving him a little push, he will never contact me. This reunion stuff is not easy. Many people tell me it is just a guy thing. They ask me how much I see my raised son. I always tell them, it's not the same. I have a relationship with my raised son. I really don't have a relationship with my oldest son. Just venting and letting you know Kharma1130 you are not alone. I can really feel you pain. Email if you want.
Hugs,
Lynn

[susiesgirl]

guy thing or not... it is still rude of your bson not to thank you for your gifts. Also, i think that he should make the effort to visit with you and not leave it all to the wife.If he was raised in a wealthy home he may just expect all that he gets. Still hurts not to be acknowleged. maybe your d in law can sit him down and tell him how you feel. Maybe he is just oblivious.. guys can be

[kharma1130]

Thanks susiegirl for saying that. I was actually thinking of having a talk with his wife because maybe he IS oblivious. I know that my husband can be sometimes. But my husband also has manners and compassion. I'm just trying to figure out what to say to her so that I don't lose him again. I don't want to replace his Amom, I just want some recognition and appreciation. Is that too much to ask from a 36 year old man?

[Mil]

First of all, I'll agree with what most of you said - REUNION IS EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING, lol. It's been 5 years for me and while it's not as exhausting now as it was maybe the first 3 yrs., it still can be a headache at times.

I would suggest you talk to your son about what you'd like in your relationship with him. Maybe tell him you'd like to have lunch or dinner with just him. And tell him that while you enjoy his family, you'd like to get to know him a little better one on one.

As for his adoptive mother showing up when you babysit the grandkids??? She's probably a little jealous that you're going to take her place in their lives. I think my son's mom was more worried about me and her grandsons than me and her son. And that's perfectly understandable. As time goes on, everyone comes to understand that there's room for everyone. And enough love to go around.

So go ahead, for now slam your head against the wall when you're frustrated lol. I remember telling myself many times that I was done unless things changed and the ball was totally in my son's court. But if you're open and honest, things will get better. Really.

[vfleblanc]

kharma1130, I am also in reunion with my 36 year old birthson. I would say it is going very well. We are both enjoying getting to know each other, however, I too am having a terrible time understanding the pull back that happens now and again. We have been in reunion for 7 months now and there have been three distinct pullbacks on his part. I find myself getting used to contact with him on email and in person and then boom, a month goes by when he is just too busy to get together. He is always sweet and interested on email, but he only emails during the day for the most part. Sometimes long periods of time go by. I know he has a busy life and also aparents that he loves very much. I know he must have conflicting emotions and priorities - and he is a busy man. Nonetheless, I still go through periods of insecurity and fear that the link that we have forged is going to get weak and disappear. I don't want to be clingy and needy, I just want to finally have him in my life. It is a very delicate balance from what I can tell. I have a granddaughter that I want to get to know better and spend time with. Those times aren't happening enough either. It is difficult to know how much to press, and how much to wait for. I feel I am missing valuable opportunities to bond with my grandchild. Just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone with those feelings.