[FamilyLeveled]

It's been five years now since my ex-wifes "Son" came into our lives. For those of you that don't know our families ugly history, My wife, now ex-wife somehow forgot to mention to our children and mnyself that she had a son floating out there somewhere. Well, said son decided to hire a private investigotor so he could find my Wife, now ex-wife. Oh boy and find her he did! Lives destroyed, let me count the ways!

1. Adopted Father, died.
2. The ex threatens to move our children to another state to be with this Son.
3. I take her to court to stop her. I prevail.
4. A bitter and expensive divorce follows.
5. Our two well ajusted children start recieving F's and are now in counceling. Happy childhoods STOLEN!
6. Ex's Uncle, always in good health has major open heart surgery.
7. Ex's Sister develops Ovarian cancer.
8. Ex's Mother develops pancreatic cancer.
Do you want me to keep going?, you get the idea.
This doesn't even include the birth father who had no idea he had a son out there. See, he was never told either. I have no idea how his family has been effected. I don't think I want to know. There is no stoping this Mother-Son hit machine. It's never going to get better for anybody. Bad karma, bad ju-ju, whatever you want to call it, this guy is a jinx plain and simple. I know some people here only want to hear rosy reunion stories but my precious children and I are living proof there is also an ugly side to reunions.
FamilyLeveled

[mn125]

Originally Posted by FamilyLeveled

6. Ex's Uncle, always in good health has major open heart surgery.
7. Ex's Sister develops Ovarian cancer.
8. Ex's Mother develops pancreatic cancer.

FamilyLeveled

As an adoptee in a good reunion with my mother who somehow forgot to mention me to my siblings and her current husband ....I'm really saddened to hear your story of family being leveled "because" of the reunion.

One thing that stands out big and bold for me in your post is all the very important medical information in your wifes family. I'm not very sure of why you would think her son brought those conditions on family members- but I feel pretty strongly that her son probably added a few years to his and any of his childrens lives by searching and learning about heart problems and cancer in *his* medical history. That alone was a very good thing!

Even the US surgeon general suggests collecing family medical history and tracing the illnesses suffered by your parents, grandparents, and other blood relatives. The Dept. of Health and Human Services says it could help your doctor predict the disorders to which you may be at risk and take action to keep you and your family healthy. IMHO- without knowing more of the details of how ugly reunion was on your family ......it was worth the effort for him to knock on her door and learn this info.

[FamilyLeveled]

Thanks for the feedback. I always get some great advice here, some I agree with some I don't. As far as the Uncle that had the open heart surgery, he isn't a blood Uncle so that shoots that argument out of the water. Back to back cancer victims? That's more than a coincidence that's good old fashioned bad karma. If I was to ask my ex-wife, name one good thing that has come out of this reunion she couldn't do it, even though she'd try like heck to spin one! I just want my kids to be happy, is that to much to ask?

[mn125]

FL,

I feel for you and the kids, and your ex, and her son- and everyone touched by his adoption. Why they call it a triad is beyond me.....because it CERTAINLY touches more than JUST the original parents, and adoptee and adoptive parents- doesn't it?!?

If I could share a little of my story - I found my mom thru the state intermediary system. Mom had never told any of my 5 siblings, or significate others about me. It seems to have been pretty common experience of original mothers who surrendered children to adoption in years past. ::::::::never speak of it again, move on, you will forget, so on so on::::::

My mothers fear of her loved ones finding out about me and her deep dark secret kept her from sharing any info with me, even with her identity protected. I too, hired a PI to locate not her, as she had made her wishes clear to the state thru signing a contact veto, but to find all my siblings. Thru first contacts with them, my moms current husband learned of the secret. I'm sure he was shocked, and even a little angry that she had never shared this significant part of her past with him. Luckily, he was accepting of it all and then his main concern was moms wellbeing, and safety from this adopted stranger. <wink>

I will tell you that I respected moms wish for no contact, and concentrated on slowly building a relationship with my adult siblings. After a year of phone calls and letters, they decided it was time to meet face to face. Mom was still pretty much telling everyone that it must be a mistake, I must have the wrong lady, she didnt know what they were talking about....it wasnt her. Then, just 36 hours before boarding my flight to meet the sibs, mom had a change of heart, and asked to meet me. We've been in full reunion now for a little over 3 years. I first found mom 10 years ago. It's been a long, emotional process, for sure!

I'd also like to add that my search/reunion efforts did have a huge - and not always positive impact on my family here at home. My husband, and 3 children.

Can you share your experience of having been found? I'd be interested in hearing your story.

[krielly]

As an adoptee, I just HAVE to jump in here. Sorry, but it bothers me to hear your ex's son labeled "a jinx". He did not ask to be brought into the world, or for your ex to keep him a secret all of these years. He merely longed for what many of us adoptees long for. The truth, his background, etc...........

Now granted, I am forming my opinion on just your post, without the benefit of additional details, however it seems (medical issues aside.....which can't be blamed on anyone) that the way your ex handled the reunion is what affected things the most...........

JMHO.......but I think you may be misplacing the blame here.........

Karen

[snuffie]

I am an adoptee too and I have to agree with Karen.
Your ex's son was not the cause of illness or anything else if I am reading your post right. Horrible things like cancer and heart surgery are a very sad but real part of life. I am a reunited adoptee whose siblings did not know about me either. All I wanted was to know my blood relatives and my medical history. That is all many of us want. My siblings have accepted me and welcomed me.
Your ex wife's not telling you was a very common thing. There are very many books written by birth moms and for many of them it was a very traumatic event in their lives. They were told never to think about it and never to talk about it.
I am also thinking about your children. They have a brother out there too.

I know this must have been a very big shock to you but I truly hope that as you read through posts by adoptees and birth moms alike on this forum you will come to a much better understanding.

[BrandyHagz]

Spirited discussion and debate is allowed. Sharing of ideas and opinions is also allowed - however we NEVER allow name calling or attacks - I have deleted the offending posts and I hope others can participate without the name calling.

[southemissouri]

Thank you, Brandy

1. Not adoptees fault ** did not disclose her past.
2. Not adoptees fault if you cannot accept the ** past.
3. Health issues not adoptees fault just timing.
4. Children may have suffered academically not only because they have another sibling but the divorce.
5. ** reaction to your actions are a sudden urge she will not lose what she had recently found. Goes back to reliquinishment years ago.
Who are you mad at the BSon or the **,the now ex?

Anger is never healthy. I applaud you for venting in the forums however have you joined your children in counseling?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Momof4or5?; why the unnecessary quotations around the word daughter? Her stability or lack thereof doesn't erase biology.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Gotcha. It makes sense how she would not feel like a daughter.

[dpen6]

So the problem is the adoptee?

I have to disagree the problem was with your ex...plain and simple. If it was not this situation that broke up the marriage it may have been something else.

Not the sons fault that she was not honest.

As far as the birth father...well...yes he should have known but when you have sex the potential for fatherhood is always there.

I really am sorry you and your family had to go through this but it is not adoption that is the problem, it is not the reunion that is the problem...its your exes dishonesty.