[cnb1099]

My birthmother and my uncle (still feels weird) found me
last week through a registry. They had been searching for quite a while. We have spoken since then and it was strange and awkward but she seem to want to continue a relationship although I am not sure to what extent.

I have experienced such a whirlwind of emotions in the past week and still am not sure how I feel about all of this.

May parents have always told me that I was adopted and have been great about all of this but I can see there is some concern on their part.

I am not sure as to what my next step should be. I contacted her after lots of phone tag and we talked, she said she would send me photos etc but how much should I reveal? I have 2 small kids that I do not want to confuse and she said her family did not know but she was going to tell them (her choice not mine). SHould I sit on my hands and wait and see what happens? Let her make the first few moves as she insitgated the search? I am not sure. As I said this is all really overwhelming emotionally. Any suggestions from anyone that has been through this?

[kune]

Wow
I can imagine how excited and scared you are. Did you hope this would happen when you put your name on the registry? I guess you need to take some time to think about what you really want. Did you find out the why question and do you have things you want to know that haven't been answered?

Reunion is such an amazing experience and all the books and experts say to take it slowly - make sure you keep yourself sane and positive - read as much about what others have been through so you can expect the unexpected, and most of all enjoy it. Go to the local library and look for reunion books and read through the forums - especially Reunion threads.

As you will read here on the forums, there is usually one person in a rush to make a connection, and the other needs to take things a little more slowly. You can ask for as much time as you need to digest all of this new information. If you are feeling overwhelmed (and who isn't faced with a new family) make sure you make your needs known. From experience, good communication is the best advice. Let one another know how you are feeling; what questions you want answered, and keep the dialogue going. Anything is achievable with good communication.

I have been in reunion for 4 years with my son. Like your birthmother, my family were not aware that there was another family member out there, and there was a little tension in the family until every one absorbed their hurt feelings, and especially the fact that their mother had kept a family secret from them. It won't be an easy time for your birthmom, but if she is anything like me, she has dreamed of this time for years and will do eerything in her power to make sure it goes as well as possible.

PM me if you would like. I was found by my son - something that I will always be eternally grateful for - and my life was tipped upside down for a few months. Expect your's to do the same - somehow the knowing becomes obsessive and it's hard to concentrate on ordinary everyday life events.

Do you have a partner to support you, or a good friend you can share with. People who have not been touched by adoption find it really hard to understand what you are going through, but you will need someone to talk it through with. Remember we are here for you on the forums - not in person, but definitely in spirit. I note that you are new here but Keep posting - we really are a nice bunch of people who share concerns and want to help. Don't be lonely

Ann

[cnb1099]

Thank you for your words of support. I do have a spouse who totally understands that there is nothing that he can do for me but be there and listen as he has never and will never be in my shoes. And my sister has been a huge help too.

When I posted on the registry 3 years ago I was hoping at the most for maybe some medical information...honestly I never in a million years thought that that I would ever hear anything. I was pregnant and hormonal then and never thought twice about it. Her finding me really is a blessing because it does answer so many questions that have been in my head for 30 plus years.

I am just unsure as to the second family thing. I do not want to confuse my children as they are small. And I do not want my mother and father or any of my siblings to feel like they are being replaced.

And the weird thing is that she has been looking for me for a very long time and I am the one that is sitting here not sure how far I want this to go but I get worried and upset that I have not heard from she or my Uncle again since then. And in my rational mind I knwo that she has alot to deal with right now and had a life before last weeks reunion..but I cannot help but feel this pang that she found what she needed to know and she is done. (Which I know is not true)

It is so hard to go from feeling euphoric almost that she found me to this awful anxiety about what happens next.

But I really am glad that there are people out there like you that do understand and can give my totally unbiased words of wisdom that I really appreciate!

cnb1099

[geogdeb]

Hi CNB,

If you haven't figured it out yet, you will find that these reunions are a rollercoaster ride! You have already been given some great advice, but let me add my experience to theirs. I also am a birthmother and I searched for years for my son before finally finding him. It was great, but it sure didn't bring any quick fix for the myriad of emotions I was feeling. It was hard at first because I wasn't sure how often I should call or email. So I emailed him when he emailed me and then called him when he was ready. Now we talk about once a week.

Your bfamily may be waiting for you to set the pace. And really, it should be you. I don't want to make it seem like a responsibility, but because you are really the innocent (not that anybody is guilty) in this whole deal, the pace should be one of your choosing. If you want to talk to your bmother again, call her, or send her a letter or an email. If your are not sure, then wait until she contacts you again. I am sure she will. I can't even imagine not having contact with my son now. And Ann is right, read everything you can. Post on these forums. We will help you ride the emotional rollercoaster named adoption reunion. I have found amazing friends here and I am sure you will also.

Good Luck,

Deb

[Pwini2]

I am the opposite of you, I am a birth mother, who has been searching for my birth son for almost 30 yrs. now. I never had the money to hire anyone, so I always tried postings, etc., until a few months back, when I was told that I COULD do a search, through the adoption agency. I kept in touch with the agency all these years, but was told that I COULD NOT find him. A week and 2 days ago my worker called to tell me that my son had called her, she said he sounded like he was in shock, and needed some time to think about it, and he would get back to her. Now I am anxious to hear back from her. I pray that he had a good life, I know it was better than the life I could have given him. But I do want him to know that I have been trying to find him for 30 yrs., and that he has 1/2 siblings, who know all about him, and are also anxious. I, too, was adopted, and have found my birth mother after 40 some odd years. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, meaning that she didn't seem to want any contact, after the first couple of phone conversations.
I do believe that you are the person to make the decision, as to continue and have a relationship. I don't think that your birth mom, if she is anything like me, would want to take "anything away" from your adoptive mom, but I'm sure she would like to keep in touch with you, and want you to know, that you have never left her heart.
Best Wishes, feel free to keep in touch!
Patti

[cnb1099]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I believe that I will take your advice and send them noth an email and see what happens from there.

I am trying to set no expectations on either part so that way no matter what happens it will be what is supposed to happen.

I am so happy to have found this site and such wonderful people to guide me on this ride.

Thank you...