[LITLLUVBUG]

I started my search very passively when I was about 15 years old. I never came up with anything until I finally hired a detective 12 years later (which by the way found her in 3 days.) I made contact about a week later and was completely overjoyed that she was thrilled to hear from me. We talked on the phone for a couple hours and then sent e-mails on a regular basis. I went to visit her a couple of times over the next year and a half and everything was great. She is a very nice person and I am very happy to know her. The excitement of finding out that I have two siblings was great since I was raised an only child and I think that it is so easy to get caught up in whilwind of psudo-emotions.
Last spring she wanted to come to see where I live so I bought her tickets to come and visit and she wanted to bring her grandson with her so I popped for his ticket too. She was here for 2 weeks and the day before she was supposed to go back she said she didn't feel well and then the next day insisted she couldn't get out of bed, so she missed her flight back but by the next day was feeling great and spent another 2 weeks borrowing my car and checking out all the sights in Florida. Once again she was to sick to fly when it was time to go back and this went on for 3 months. She did finally go back to her home in the north.
Then about 3 months ago she started talking about moving here. Mind you she had no money, no job, no carand now custody of her grandson. She just basically decided she was coming without even asking me and before I knew what happened she was calling me with flight information and telling me about how she sold all of her stuff for money to get started down here. Please head this warning - Do not be scared to say no!
She flew in 2 weeks ago insisting she was looking for a job and apartment and using my car almost everyday. Last night, when I finally got to go out of my house without her for a couple hours, I went shopping and when I opened my truck it had sand in it and even though I am not really a snoop she had left a bag in there that I thought was trash but when I opened it, it had beach parking passes for at least 6 days. When confronted she tried to tell me that I must be mistaken and that she had been looking for a job and apartment. Even with the hard evidence of dated parking passes. But now she is also getting mail at my house and insists that she has found a job and she wants to stay for a couple more weeks until she can move into her apt.
I honestly don't think that she has found an apartment or a job and I am supporting 2 extra people in my modest size house and really don't know what to do.
I don't want to be mean and throw her out, she did give birth to me, but as much as I thought that I would feel connected to her when I found her (at first I thought I did) I just feel like I have been invaded by someone I don't know, that is lying to me and using me.
I am an adult and I will find a way to get back to my regular life.
When I found her I didn't have high expectations, I knew that she was very young when she had me and she might have had a hard life, which she did. But that by no means makes it my responsibility to take care of her now.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am glad that I found her. I had so many questions that are finally answered even though I feel like she is still hiding somethings from me, I didn't really expect that I would get all of the answers. But for the most part I want people, like me, to understand that giving birth to someone doesn't mean that they or you have to welcome them in your life completely.
Birth parents and adoptees are for the most part complete strangers, you don't know them and they don't know you. Being blood related to someone does not mean that you must have a close relationship with them or let them be in your life at all.

Finding each other is a wonderfull amazing thing. It can give you lots of closure. But please take your time getting to know who you find. Don't just let them in without questions. I know that my case is somewhat extreeme. I also know that almost everyone on here is truely looking because they just want that missing piece of their on personal puzzle. Just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Take it slow and don't expect any instant feelings. It is hard to "love" someone you never met before and don't expect to be loved. Take it slow, take it slow, take it slow. Don't be scared to say "no" and listen to your gut feelings. And definately don't push the other person. My birthmother has all but lost me again, I really don't want to have anything to do with her and if she had just not pushed so hard or made me feel invaded or lied to, we could have had a great relationship.

Good Luck and I hope you all find what your looking for just be carefull.

[lauralee3]

Wow, what a story. I'm sorry all that happened to you, but your advice is dead on...and maybe that's why things like this happen...to warn others. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

[kakuehl]

It's been a while since you posted your warning story for others. Is there an update? Have your bmother and nephew moved to their "own place" yet? I can't imagine doing that to one of my children although I think my daughter would welcome me if I would then be the caregiver for her 2 year old!

Blessings on you as you ride the roller coaster of reunion!
Kathy