[gin4short]

I am a birthmom who was contacted by my son and
was very excited about meeting. Unfortunately, his
family did not share his or my excitement and our
reunion was very tense. My daughters and myself
never got a chance to talk to my son alone. We felt
so hurt that his wife didn't trust us or allow us to talk
to him. HE CONTACTED US, we were very excited and
relieved that finally (after 40 years!!!) we were going
to meet my son. He lives in my hometown, which we
visit twice a year, so we went there in February. My
sisters and I did so much to try to make them comfort-
able to no avail. Now it's 2 months later and I haven't
heard from him, even after sending an anniversary card
and an Easter e-card. I just feel discarded, especially
after he was the one to contact ME!!!!! We had a
very stressful year prior to this contact, so now I feel
even more hurt and angry. I've had people tell me
"just be happy you know he's ok and be done with it".
(It is SO easy to be a Monday morning quarterback!)
I felt bad enough giving my son up for adoption 40
years ago, so now I feel sad all over again and it
just doesn't seem fair. I want to write a letter to let
him know how I do care for him, wish him the best;
but at the same time, let him know how hurt my
family feels after this rejection. Intellectually I know
the reasons why he isn't staying in contact, but my
heart still hurts and I just want to "get on with my
life" as it was before. Any suggestions/advice would
be helpful. Anyone out there been through something
similar to this??

[wilted rose]

Hi gin, sorry to hear your reunion with your bson wasn't what you were hoping for. Perhaps you'll have a chance to read some of the other threads on the forums. They're are many people who are experiencing similar. What is referred to as 'pullback' in reunion lingo. I prefer to call it 'processing time'. I know two months seems like an eternity, but I wouldn't assume he's completely disinterested. If you are open to the idea continue to stay in touch with him, sometimes it's the fear of rejection that causes us to hesitate. Perhaps some of the bmothers here will share their experience as well.
Rose

[mamabee]

Gin, I am so sorry. I know you feel like this time he is relinquishing you...don't you? I know because when my daughter went through pull back this is exactly the way it felt. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but I can't. I went through a year and half in depression and almost had a nervous breakdown over it.

I will tell you what you must do: You need to get some counseling or a therapists. You cannot go through this along...and come here and read and posts...I promise it will begin to ease your pain. Next, keep sending him cards, letters, and emails...even if he doens't respond. I know you will get to a point where you feel what is the use...but do it anyway out of repetition...one day, whatever you send may be the miracle you need. Finally, Pray. God knows all about it.....

[Jody M]

Gin4short, thanks for sharing your reunion experience and the grief and loss you are feeling since reuniting with your son. I am certain it is not the outcome you had wished for.( I found my birth parents deceased but later found 3 sisters ) Your feelings are totally understandable. We all long for a happy end in these reunions. I do know from facilitating local adoption triad support groups and hearing many reunion scenarios that timing is not always right in reunions. As you said, you had a stressful year prior to your reunion, and this may be the case in the life of your son or his family/marriage. I think it is important to continue to send cards now and then just thinking of you cards, keeping the door open. It is apparent that they are not very receptive right now but do not give up hope. Time, space and prayer can change many things.
It is important to share your feelings and hurts on these groups, but as an adoptee, I would not advise writing a note and stressing this to your son now- it can send more strong emotions which may not be understood or could feel like pressure. It is best to be short and sweet and leave the door open. Some males can flee when they see strong emotions or demands, or any neediness. Just my opinion to share your emotions with others on these forums or journal feelings, and.or pray but in correspondence to your son, keep it light as possible to keep the door open easily not stressfully.
Prayer was the light in my long adoption search journey- and it gave me great strength to wait on God for his timing and answers. I was frustrated for my search took longer than I wanted. But when I met my 3 birth sisters, the sister that I grew closest with and looked like- Judy, had been in an alcohol treatment program the year before I found her. She was successful and doing great when I found her. Judy's husband said your timing is so "right" so I know God's timing was best, He knew better than I what was going on in my birth siblings lives and the best time to start a relationship. Trust that for your son and keep sharing and journaling/praying. Find new avenues at this time for new activities,friendships, hobbies,learning, sharing, writing to refocus in this waiting time. Keep posting!
Jody

[sspete]

Gin....

I am SOOOO sorry that your reunion did not go well for you. However, please don't give up yet!!! What you are going through is SO very common. It happen VERY often. You see a pull back from someone in the reunion almost every time. I believe it is just so the pull back party can gather their thoughts and take things slowly.

My birthdaughter and I have been in reunion for 3 years and we just talked on the phone for the first time last week. A succesful reunion takes A LOT OF PATIENCE!! It is so hard I know!!! There are times when I want it ALL NOW, but I know I can't. Take your reunion slow and easy...Hopefully the outcome will be GREAT!

Please just give him time to process everything and see what happens....

Lots of Luck....Staci

[Montraviatommyg]

Gin, going to back up what's already been posted and it isn't easy. I should count myself lucky that I had 18 months of contact with my son before we both pulled back but it still hurts badly. The reasons why this happened make it painful as well which doesn't help...if only we could have the answers we wanted . Pip

[lauralee3]

I agree with all that's been said, but am offering this suggestion: not sure how far you are from your hometown, but maybe you could invite your son to visit with you (and hopefully he'll live the mistrustful wife at home). Write him a note and throw a couple of dates his way. He may not bite, but at least you've offered.

ps. I wish I was more like his wife. When I met my father and his family, I opened myself up wide open to them (they're "family", right?), only to be totally crapped on by them following his death last December. Crapped on in life and crapped on in death :-p