[llaries13]

I need a little advise from mothers that have given up ther child. I was adopted and I am 38 yrs old and just reunited with my birth mother about three weeks ago. It was a wonderful reunion. I also found two of my three sisters that she kept and everything is good with them. But now my birth mother is very depressed about giving me up and she is feeling a lot of guilt that she can't let go. I love her and want to be with her. What do I do? She says she loves me but then all of a sudden she cuts short and says I will talk to you later. Sisters say that is how she deals with stuff that she is sad about. How do I help her and let her know I am not upset about her decision. Thanks for anybody that responds.

[mamabee]

Sweetie...you are doing it already. You seem very compassionate...you are coming here, seeking advice....keep reading...you will learn about the issues that come up with reunion. She can't help the flood of emotions she is experiencing...but you being there and staying supportive will mean everything to her. I promise. She needs to get some therapy too..l don't know what I would have done without it. Also, it would be good if she came to this forum and read about other bMoms.

I hope everything will work out for you...Please keep posting and reading....we will help you all that we can. Big Hug!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by llaries13

But now my birth mother is very depressed about giving me up and she is feeling a lot of guilt that she can't let go.

The stages of grief.. Or death and dying.. Kubler Ross..

Denial.. Anger or Resentment.. Bargaining…Depression.. Acceptance..

I know I stayed in the first stage for a very long time.. I denied it happened.. I denied thinking about my bson.. I denied my feelings.. and I denied my feelings around him..

Its interesting.. you wrote.. “Sisters say that is how she deals with stuff that she is sad about.”

When read that I thought.. yup.. there it is.. My daughter (second born) would say the same thing about me.. I am a loner in my real time life and I do not like sorting my feelings with real time people.. I like the boards (places like this) because I can write my feelings and I am one step away from the real thing..

I think it becomes a way of life for some women.. and probably men.. the stage of denial..

When I met my son (who was born in 1965) I entered the anger part of this.. whoo hooo I got angry.. I still love it when I get really angry.. I love the feeling it gives me..

And I know I have gone into bargaining.. and depression and back again.. and today I swear I am into acceptance..
It takes time.. Some of us spent such a long time in denial.. Its hard to find the way out..

When I met my son.. It came at me full force.. I really understood who and or what I had given up..
It made me terrible sad.. because then I understood that I can not go back and make one single change.. He has a mom' and dad.. and I am not it..

I missed him.. I missed the sunny little boy.. who is in my favorite picture..

Jackie

[kune]

llaries
Time will do the healing. Time and you being there where she can know you, feel your presence and know that there is something positive in the future instead of years of not knowing.

Your reunion sounds special. You connected in a way that most would be envious of. But......it does come with some responsibilities. Know that there is no way you can heal your bmothers pain. That is her's to process. But you can give support just by being available, calling her, and letting her know that you are in this for the long haul. All relationships (I believe) are based on trust. She just has to get past the history before she can see the future. There's generational coping skills at play here. Like......never show how broken you are.....keep family secrets hidden from the outside world........making your bed and lying in it type of thinking. It will pass. There's this fantastic prize at the end of it for her....YOU.

Time llanies......just tread gently for a while and let her know you care. She obviously does, but needs to build up her own trusting mechanisims.

Love and Happiness to your both - you all. It's all an emotional and amazing journey. One I wouldn't have believed, but wouldn't want to miss either. I too was an "emotional rag doll" for a while there, but in the end I knew that if was brave enough to meet my fears head on, I would be a better person in the end. Reunion was the wake up call.

Ann

[mrosey]

Lori, I just wanted to wish you happiness and joy in your reunion. You've gotten great advice above. I love to hear Ann's perspective....she always has a calming, sensible outlook for us adoptees! Enjoy your wonderful journey. God Bless!

Mrosey

[kune]

mrosey
Thanks for your nice words. They made me smile. Your photo stretched that smile a little wider. How's that for two happy women!!!!!

Ann

[kakuehl]

llaries13,
Reunion is a funny thing! When my son and I began our reunion, I discovered that a lot of feelings that I thought I had "worked through" years ago reared their ugly heads! Part of it I think is honest grief over what might have been if we had not been parted for 33 years. (Unrealistic because one can't go back, and because I made the best decision I could at the time. Unrealistic, but still very real.) These emotions are my own however. My bson is not responsible for them nor did he cause them. I do not and cannot imagine regretting being in contact with him. I look forward to getting to know him better as much as he is willing to share with me.

Remember that you have not not caused your bmother's feelings. My advice is to continue to contact her regularly, if briefly, just checking in to see how she is. A note telling her how much you appreciated her giving you life may mean a lot to her. (One of the things my bson said to me was that his amother had explained to him that I could have chosen an abortion, but had chosen to give birth to him. )

One definition of depression is anger turned inward. 38 years is a long time to carry around the memories and emotions. Three weeks is a very short period of time in comparison. Take it slowly and give yourself time to process your own emotions. Share stories of you childhood growing up with her. Talk to your sisters. Don't push her to stay on longer than she is comfortable with right now.

As you read the various threads, you will find many people saying, "Take it slowly." We're so glad to find each other that often we want instant close relationships. I suspect that the relationships that become the strongest are those that are built slowly.

All that said, congratulations on your reunion and may your relationship be a blessed one.
Kathy

[carmel drake]

Hi Illaries 3
All that your found mother is feeling is quite normal. All the suppressed emotions are coming out...She may also be feeling just as she did when you were placed for adoption...she may find other frozen memories that she had pushed away and do not remember, coming out of her.

Many of us thought that we deserved to suffer and keep quiet. She may keep repeating herself for a few months untill she finds herself feeling safe emotionally and secure that you won't go away.

I hope that with understanding, paitence and time, your reunion will be a wonderful one.
I hope

[mrosey]

Hi Ann

I obviously haven't been to this thread in a while. Good to hear from you. Hope all is well and I'm glad you smiled. Now I can say I returned one of many received from you

Michele