[sspete]

I all.... I am really curious to hear from birthmothers and adoptees on their feeling about their reunions. As some of you know I reunited with my birthdaughter 3 years ago and she still does not want contact with me. I have left the door WIDE open for her, and I know in my heart that one day she will come around.

I am curious to know how you feel about your reunion, and if you would do it all over again if given the chance. What are some things you would have done differently? What are some things you wouldn't change at all?

These are Great questions for anyone in the reunion process!!!

Any Opinions are welcome.....We all need info on reuniting!!!!

Thanks Y'all.....

Staci

[Montraviatommyg]

Staci,

Firstly I am glad I found my son as I had always wanted to know he was alive. However in hindsight I wish I had put more thought into contacting him rather than sending him a short email the day I found him. He had actually been searching for me for five years and had been in contact with my family during that time who hadn't told him where I was.

He had put my details on a website which I went on by sheer chance. I was quite shocked at the time but had always hoped that one day we would be in contact so sent a message without thinking it through properly. He replied quite quickly ... this was back in August 2004.

Our reunion has had it's ups and downs although on the whole I wouldn't have changed much about it. There have been times when I have got angry, the last time a few months ago which I regret. He is angry with me now and has requested that I don't contact him for the forseeable future. My son has said some very hurtful things to and about me so I know I need a break from him completely and long term. Nor does he have any respect for me and doesn't like my boundaries. He has pushed me too far this time so unfortunately I don't see how we can ever have any contact ever which is very sad but I need to think about me for a change.

Pip

[sspete]

Oh Pip....

I am so sorry the two of you are having a hard time, but I always say reunion is just plain HARD!!!!

Setting those boundaries are so important and must be followed by everyone in the triad for the reunion to be successful.

I don't regret anything I did either....even though my daughter still doesn't want anything to do with me. I am giving her all the space she needs and just hoping by chance one day she will give me a chance!!!!

I hope the best for y'all....it certainly is a LONG road to healing!!!

Staci

[rainrain63]

First off, Pip, I am so sorry about what has recently taken place for you. I hope that both of you can come to terms somehow with all of this and that things work out, I really mean that. Adoption issues are hard on all of us but I think for the adoptee it really is the hardest and then next is the first mother because there is so much pain. Is it possible taht your son is angry at his "situation" and it is coming out on you? There is a lot of anger in reunions and I am sure I will get my share too, down the road. I plan on not taking it personally and just keeping in mind that they are angry, not at us, put at the whole adoption "situation". I say take a break if you need to and for him too, but Pip, keep the lines of communiction open. Your boy is younger and in university and in a different country and all of those things play into it all. Give it time. Keep your head up! Shoulders back! Good thoughts to you & hugs - Shelley

As for question by sspete, my reunion has not been face to face yet, possibly March 2006. My thoughts on reunions in my experience, which is not much, is that it is imperative to go slow, take time. In a situtation of no contact, I would definately still keep the lines open for the future, just send a card every few months or place a phone call (if you can). I am also a huge believe in not going through any of this alone. Get a therapist, if you can, who is aware of adoption issues. It is more for you so that you can learn how to handle various situtations that can, will, do, may arise, ie: rejection, anger, depression. It is important that you have counseling in order to understand yourself and what adoption did to you, even if you really believe you "made the right choice" - giving a child up or in the cases of the old days, having a child taken from you and placed, this really does affect us, in deep ways that we might not be fully concious of. I have had a therapist now since September and she has really helped me to understand me again. Yes, it is expensive, I pay 70.00 per visit and I went 2xper month. I just made it a priority. Contact everyone you can, including you doctor, to find out about counseling. Maybe if that is not an option, go to a support group for members of the triad. Again, I say this is really, really important. So, in my experience, going slow, getting some counseling (I now only go ever 4 weeks or so), perhaps joining an adoption support group - those things will make a reunion go better. Because the honeymoon phase will end! Reality will set in! Fantasies on part of you and your birthchild will not be "what you thought" - you will become real people to each other, then the hard work of developing a relationship will start. There is no "instant" connection. There is emotion in reunion that feels like connection, but in essence, first mother and child are meeting as virtual strangers but bonded - very unique, only in adoption will you find this.......

I also think that respect goes a long way. And I think that as a first mother, we deserve respect from the children (adults) - even tho they may be rightfully angry, hurt, defensive, upset, mad, - the bottom line is that respect is a must - the adoptee is going to be younger than us obviously and for some first mom's, their child is coming back to reunion really young and the maturity might not be there yet, so know what to overlook and let go as is age appropriate, but never, never, let anyone be so angry to you personally that you are demeaned and abused and made to feel more guilty - in my opinion if that happens, then it is time to step back from the situation and take some time (I know this won't go over well with some adoptees reading this or some aparents, but think about it - taking anger out on another human being because we did not get what we wanted is just not good) - again respect goes a long way!!!! By all parties. Next, is the support from aparents - many out there do support and assist their kids - and many do not. The aparents who let fear rule the renuion for thier kids are selfish, yes I do understand the fear, but it is selfish nontheless. Giving into fear is going to ruin the reunion for the child. And make an even further mess of the adoption and the triad. Remember that the adoptee is the most important here, getting the child (adult) to reconnect with his/her roots is very important - even if the first parents are not good. So aparents, support! It is paramount to good mental health all around. Let the adoptee find out for themselves who/what/where/when and how of it all - be there, for them, quietly supporting, and most of all they will need you especially if the first parents are rejecting, messed up, or not open. They will need you more for that then they ever would need you before, in my opinon. Even if everything works out good, the adoptee still needs his/her aparents support and know that its "okay" to have done or be doing this. And for that assistance, aparents need to be honoured and understood by all that the reality of what they could "lose" is valid to them. I have thought about aparents a lot of late and there is a huge fear for them of losing their child or their child being hurt but what they find. Yes, that fear is valid, but don't let the fear rule you, aparents - that will be your first and possibly last mistake in the adopion situation.

So that about sums it up for me. Adopion is not easy, not like what was "promised" to all of us (aparents, first parents) whether it be closed or open. There are too many different emotions and outcomes and therefore I think imperative that we all do it together and do it to the best of our ability to make it work out. Fear is probably the biggest emotion for all of us and that is the mountain that must be conquered, the fly in the ointment, the storm on the horizion, the rotten apple in the basket - whatever works for you to imagine it - but it really is the "problem" for all of us. Don't let it win.

Shelley Rackett

[JoEvans]

I have reunited with my daughter, now 17. The last time I saw her, she was 3. Our reunion went ok during the "honeymoon phase". Then after a week, she keep calling her a-parents and talked to them. I even found myself calling her a-father for advice. After a month, and she went back home. We didn't speak for a week. She has called at least once a week, if not more.

I am planning on another reunion with my oldest daughter, now 21. I haven't seen her since she was ll.I basically raised her by myself. My ex-husband got custody and finished the adoption process that we started while we were married.

My son, whom I have not seen since he was 5 months old, is another story. I have been looking. But sometimes find that I "second guess" myself, wondering if I should. I know his b-father is trying to find him. I wonder if he wants to reunite with me. Sometimes, I am afraid of the outcome. You never know until that day.

Not all reunions are wonderful, as I have read. But even if they dont go the way you want them to go. At least you had that chance to see your child again.

I don't regret giving my children up. Sometimes I wonder where I would be today if I had not given them up to other families that could provide for them when I couldn't.
Things happen in life for a reason. I think my past decisions have made me a stronger, wiser person. Even though, I long to have another child. There is always the grandbabies. lol

God bless those of you in search of reunion, those who are in reunion, and those who have had a failed reunion, may you be comforted.

[Montraviatommyg]

Shelley,

With my son it's "b/dad" issues and being rejected plus he seems to have issues that Everybody he has contacted who knows me pre and post reunion apparently don't like me so have done "b/mum bashing" to use his words. There has been a bit of contradition in what he tells me. It is true that my sister and I don't get on and we haven't spoken to each other for seven years due to lies she told about me and my husband which could have caused us a lot of trouble. Fortunately the only people who believed her were my parents. When my son found my family years ago apparently my sister told him some nasty things about me so from what he told me I put him right. He has implied my parents have been nasty about me so whilst I can believe it of my mother as I don't get on with her I find it difficult to believe it of my father as we were close until I fell out with my family. BTW my parents have admitted that they know my sister has lied about me.

My son also found my husband's two brothers (he's the youngest of five) and apparently they were nasty about us as well. Again whilst I can believe that of the eldest brother as we don't get on with him we do get on with the other brother. In fact we more or less told him what sort of things the eldest one would have said to him about us and we were spot on.

He also found "b/dad" before I found him and supposedly gave a completely different version of events to me. More recently my son give me a different version claiming that this man did say he liked me and gave the reason for us splitting. Incidently this was the same version I gave my son but I was able to pad it out as this man had been lied to about me by his cousin.

The only other person I know off that hasn't been nice about me is a woman who never even met me but what she put in her message wasn't exactly nasty either. I do know my son is angry about various things including thinking I haven't warned him what to expect from other people yet I have so he really needs to work through why he is so angry with me.

What's so bizarre is I know my son has been in contact with at least one of my cousins who hasn't said anything bad about me. My cousin told me that if pressed by my son and he wasn't sure how to answer he would pass it by me first as we do get on well.

I am keeping my distance for now and won't be contacting my son as I need to put myself first for a change.

Pip

[sspete]

Wow Y'all....

There are SO many heated issues with reuniting!!!! It is so crazy all that comes out isn't it!!!!

One reason I slightly feared reunion was the "past" hurts and questions all coming into play once again!!!

It is really wild to hear others stories....Thank you all so much for sharing!!!

Staci

[rainrain63]

Reposting to the main board for feedback.

[radred48]

I found my daughter when she was almost 30. It took awhile for her to come around...she was quite shocked. We had our first reunion in 1999. She drove all the way from Florida by herself (she is scared of flying) to California to meet me, her half brothers & her aunts & uncles. Our reunion went beautifully. We are so much alike it's scary, hehe.
I was told we are like "bookends".

Dorene
Bmom to Nancy
born 12/18/66
found 8/66

[dcole1026]

Hi Stacy,
I'm a birthmom and I reunited with by daughter in October 2005. We talk on the phone everyday since. She calls me and I call her it works both ways. She has met her brother and sister. She talks to her sister but not so much to her brother. He has some issuses about not beeing the oldest any more. I told him he realy has never been my oldest. But he is my oldest I raised. My other two childern have always know they have a sister some where. She came her in Dec. 2005. I'm going down to her in a couple of weeks. I have answered all the questions she has asked me. I told her I will be in her life any way she needs me to. She calls me mom and it seems so right. I don't want to take any thing away from her mom and dad. They are great people to love her and take care off her all these years. I just want to share her that's all. They want to meet me when I go there. I will do what makes my daugher feel comfortable.

Dawn

[mamabee]

sspete----This is a good thread! I am in reunion approximately 2 years. No it has not went as well as I would have liked. What would I have done differently? I would have went to websites such as this one and studied before I made contact and I certainly would have went turtle like slow. Good Post Shelly!

[sspete]

Thank Y'all so much for your replies!!! It helps others in the process of trying to reunite, while also offering much needed support for the ones in reunion!!!!

I look forward to hearing from others....Thanks again y'all!!!

Staci

[cbry]

I am a birthmom who found her son in nov of 2005 he is 25 and i had been searching for him for 7 yrs. I really thought at times that i would never find him.It was dead end after dead end.Then on nov7th 2005 i found his post on this web site i immeditly picked up ph and started calling this was 1am i called every min til 7pm.the hole in my life was filed the emptynest in my heart was filled.I never really could deal with the pain of not knowing where he was or how he was .But now we talk almost every day i went to meet him and his family and they are wonderful people.he and his girlfriend just had my first grandson whom i have only seen pictures of cause he is 1200 miles from me and its so expensive to get there.Me and my family are dieing for him to come here. And he wonts to but he has the same issues /money. so he says when are you and bryson and mike coming up here and i cant answer cause of money i have a 10year old who has known about his brother since he was 6. he is ok with it but wont talk to him he says i dont no him thats way.and josh has ask ?s about bryson but not ask to speak to him but wonts to meet him. I LOVE JOSH MORE THEN ANYTHING BUT HOW CAN WE EVER GET CLOSE ENOUGH FOR US TO HAVE A MOM SON REALITIONSHIP 1200 MILES APART.My dream my only life goal came true when i found him i now just pray that he can someday say i love you to me before i die he is 25 iam 39 i was very young at his birth and that is way that and money and he knows and understands that.jerri cox

[Montraviatommyg]

cbry, dreams can come true...I was fortunate enough to meet my son before he went to Canada in Dec 2004 to study. We have both pulled back recently but long distance reunions can survive and a good example is a member username cute who is Canadian and her birth daughter l-thompson is in New Zealand.

Pip

[CherryV]

I've been in reunion with nmum and her family for 4 years and ndad for just over 3 years. My reunion has run very smoothly and there isn't anything I would change.

I read of reunions "failing" for silly reasons and just don't understand why people get so worked up over small things.

Nmum is overseas and I've met her once, not long after we lost contact but we're seeing each other again this summer and contact as resumed like nothing happened. That's how I like it, no hassle! Ndad isn't very far away and I'm working on seeing him more often. We mostly keep in touch by email though.

My aparents came on holiday with me one year to visit ngparents and got on really well with them. They've also met ndad and his wife.

I'm sure some reunions need work but I often see people trying too hard to make them successful. And what is successful to one might not be successful to another! I'm sure some would say that losing contact for over a year is a failed reunion but it wasn't for me.