[JoEvans]

Reunion update: My youngest and I are currently in the "time out" stage.

If I could of changed our reunion, I would of waited until after she graduated high school first. I would not of sent that birthday card that started all this "fantasy world" stuff. My daughter has this "fantasy" that I would be the "perfect" mother. Since our reunion, she has been making it hard on herself as well as her parents. (adoptive)
Yes, we were both excited to meet. We had our "honeymoon" stage. Then we had the "cool off" stage. Now we are in the "time off" stage. Which, may turn back into the "cool off" stage.
All I can do, is sit back and hopefully she will come around. She is young, and is a daydreamer. Jus like her ole mom..lol. All I can do is, let her know I am here for her, and hope she snaps out of it.

Best wishes, Staci. Give it time, sweetheart.

[sspete]

Patience...Patience....and more Patience!!!!

Isn't that the cure to our reunion woes!!!! Obviously y'all that is not one of my strong points. Funny enough though in my reunion with my bdaughter I've learned the new meaning of the "P" word!!!

It is such a roller coaster ride, and I am just a hangin on!!!

Staci

[lookingfr fam]

Alright, here's my story.....I'll try to shorten it as much as possible.

I am an adoptee and found my bmom in 2004.

Everything went really good, emotional, but really good! Bmom was in recovery at the time I found her and I know Gods hands was guiding me due to the timing.

Bmom was ready finally ....(had not been up until then) to deal with the situation. We talked once a week for several months and I even flew out to CA to meet her. Everything went GREAT!

The only problem I started having was when it came to my kids. I felt she was trying to create a relationship there that I was not ready to force on my kids. I sheltered my children from the whole process as much as possible, even though they have always known I was adopted and I didnt grow in Nana's tummy I just felt that my situation was just that, my situation, I did not want my kids to have to feel like they had to accept this "new grandma". I felt if any relationship was to develop then it had to be on their terms and they were old enough to decide if they wanted to explore a relationship with her or not. To this day they have NEVER asked about her! They know I found her and who she is. They know I went to meet her and they have met my baunt and some cousins, but have NEVER expressed any intrest in my bmom. It is possible that this is due to them being VERY close to my aparents! Maybe they feel like if they acknowledge my bmom that they would be turning their backs on Nana & Papa. They are just too young to separate the issues, and yet too old for this to be normal 13,11, 6 & 8months now (make any sense?)

With all that being said, that was not why we stoped talking. I went through a bad year, losing a child (stillborn) followed by another tough pregnancy with complete bedrest. I am the type of person who shuts down and shuts evryone out when I go through emotional issues. The only two people I talked to during that time was my amom & my best friend. Other than that hubby took all the calls.

Now its been a LONG time (over a year) and am not sure how to make contact again. I fear I have hurt her and I suppose I am just chicken. Also, it would be a long conversation that I just dont feel up to....what does that say about our relationship? My hubby keeps saying the longer I wait, the longer the conversation will be...and I know he is right...but I just cant make myself make the call. I know she has not called because I think she does not want to intrude. She has never been pushy in any way!

I guess I am just trying to sort these feelings out.... I know part of it is that the Honeymoon stage is over, but I cant help feel like there is more to it......AAARRRGGGG I wish I knew myself what I was feeling.


Anyhow, thats my situation

Any two cent therapists out there?

[Lish71]

I have been in reunion with my bmom for 2 1/2 years. Everything is great. We talk on the phone every day and I try to see her and the rest of my birth family on a regular basis.

What I have been told......

My mother was dating my father (a/k/a the sperm donor). When he found out that she was going to have me, he immediately said that it was not possible that she was going to have "his" baby. Needless to say, his family tried to give my mother's family money to have an abortion. My mom's family would not hear of that.

Well, my bfather stopped dating my mother and started dating her cousin. My mother's cousin and the sperm donor got married and had a daughter. I located my 1/2 sister and my grandmother called her. She basically told my grandmother that I am not her sister but merely her cousin.

So the sperm donor does not want to have anything to do with me nor does my sister.

I have seen the sperm donor on two occassions and both times he has turned as white as a ghost and left the building he was in (Home Depot). I honestly don't think he knew who I was.

[kakuehl]

Let me add my story to the mix of this thread. My bson was born on my 21st birthday (in 1972) and officially placed with his adoptive parents 3 weeks later. We reunited last October (2005) on the eve our our joint birthday as a direct result of this site. He had registered 5 years ago but never checked back. I've tried to find him over the years and found this site in Sept. '05. I actually contacted his adad by e-mail in September (one of the scariest things I've done).

Reunion has gone well thus far. We talk on line frequently and have met several times. I was invited to his daughter's 1st birthday party as were his aparents. (It was the first time I had met his amother.) My other 2 children have welcomed him into their lives; in fact their relationships have developed more quickly with him and his wife.

We may still be in the honeymoon stage, but so far things have gone well. In this day and age, children tend to have lots of grandparents in their lives through blended families; so far we all see this as enriching our lives by having more family to love and be loved.

I suspect one reason this has gone well is that bson is 33. I don't think either of us have unrealistic expectations of the relationship and are simply letting it develop.

What has been amazing to me is the old nature/nuture discussion come to life. Bson's presonality fits very well in my family; he says he's never quite fit in his afamily. He found my picture on my webpage after his parents told him of my contact and said he finally found someone who looked like him. My husband and I both see and hear a lot of his bfather (now dead) in him. Some of his gestures are uncannily like his bfather's. My other children think he looks just like me.

Reunion, like the rest of our adoption stories, is a roller coaster ride. I read many of your stories and feel your pain (and wonder what's ahead in my own reunion story).

As a pastor, I like to teach my confirmation classes that sin is breaking relationships (with God and each other). As a Christian I believe that my task is to work at building relationships with God and others. The whole reunion process is about building (and rebuilding) relationships. Not an easy task, often, but definitely worth the roller coaster ride in my opinion.

I also believe in something called kairos. This is the greek work meaning the "right time." In my case, at any rate, so many factors came together at the time my bson and I reunited that had we found each other even 5 years ago, I don't think things would have gone as well.

Blessings!
Kathy

[adoptionsearchblog2]

For Shannon

Two cent therapist - okay, I'll bite on that!

You hubby is right the longer you wait the harder it will be. Don't want a long call, can you write? Or tell her you only have a certain amount of time to talk? What does that say about the relationship? Maybe you need to go slow, tell her how you feel.

Of course you hurt her! And yes, you probably are fearful. But, don't let it stop you. Can she add anything positive to your life? Some part of you wants contact or you wouldn't be talking about it.

As for the grandchildren deal, your children are her grandchildren too, and it is unfair of you to pretend otherwise, (remember you asked for the 2 cent therapist). Of course you do not force any one to have contact, but sounds like maybe your attitude may have rubbed off on your children. As for them asking to see her, how many children ask to see grandparents, let alone ones that they don't know. Let her me a grandmother - what's the harm? Of course she wants to know them. Is there a need to "shelter them" for her. Will she harm them? Is she a terrible person? If not, please let her know them. It can be good for them and her - and maybe even you.

[lookingfr fam]

Jan~

Thank You for the advice! Your check is in the mail

I agree with you completly, just like I agree with my hubby! Now I just need to do it! I know I will....Just when?

I have NO bad feelings towards her at all! Like I said EVERYTHING was going GREAT! Like I said the ONLY thing that felt "weird" was the whole "grandma" thingy, which really is just MY issue, not hers or my childrens. It is TRULLY ALL ME!

Perhaps I should also say why I sheltered my children from the whole process......My birth mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She was just leaving recovery when I found her. I had also done a background search on her that gave me reason to be concerned. Yet I still searched her out and was ready for what ever was to come. I knew I could handle where ever she was in her lifes journey, I just didnt want to expose my children to someone who could possibly hurt them emotionaly. So I kinda made this whole thing a "no big deal" thing and let my kids ask questions they may have had (which they never really did) They knew everything I was doing and I kept them updated when a new family member was found, but they just never expressed any intrest. Perhaps in time they will though (note their ages above).

Now that I think of it, they dont ask about or talk to my in-laws either. I guess their relationship with my aparents is probably the a-typical one, and the others are just normal.

Funny thing is, I mentioned this to my amom (she just asked last night if I spoke to bmom lately) and she stated that she draws the line with the kids too (then again she does not like to share them with my in-laws either ) However, that said, she says she could never withhold me or the kids from bmom, because without her she would have never been blessed with any of us!

So bottom line is....I NEED TO CALL!!!! Plain and simple! Perhaps before the weekend is over!

See your two cent therapy did work

[kune]

spete
You have been offered some great advice on this thread. The most important IMHO was offered by Kakueki....

The whole reunion process is about building (and rebuilding) relationships. Not an easy task, often, but definitely worth the roller coaster ride in my opinion.

Oh...so true!!!!

And Trust. Somehow you have to build up trust between the parties. Again, not easy to do as it takes time, but as in any good relationship be it adoptive or otherwise, we all give a little of ourselves to the other in the early days, and it builds as the relationship develops. By taking things slowly and remaining committed to making it work we are investing in a solid connection that will hopefully endure.

Ann

[mrosey]

Shannon

I can totally understand why you stepped back. My children are 13, 10, 7 and 4. They are a big concern in my reunion journey. I have felt the same way as you are feeling, although I haven't "stepped back" as of yet. My oldest seems to understand the most. I tend to always think he "should" understand a lot of things...then I realize that even though he's the oldest, he's still a "baby" when it comes to the emotions of something as deep as the reunion. I do know that he has expressed to me his concern for his grandmother's feelings, especially in the beginning. He was very upset. My children are all very close to both my mom and my in-laws. My dad passed away 6 years ago. My oldest remembers him the most. It's funny, I just recently spoke with my birthfather for the first time. My oldest picked up the phone recently when he called. (I have caller id) He never picks it up when he sees my birthmother's name. Although my oldest has settled into the fact that my birthmother and I have a nice relationship and nothing has changed with his grandmother, I'm convinced that he chose to pick up the phone when my birthfather called because he doesn't consider my birthfather a threat to my dad, who is no longer with us. He is still protecting his grandma on his end. The only thing I can do is ease his fears that my mom's feelings are protected and we just gained a little more love in our family, we are not replacing anyone or anything. Children love the constants in their lives. It makes them secure. It is very hard, the whole thing. Our children are our first priorities in life and knowing what is the right or wrong judgement call at different times in the reunion can be very hard. I wish you luck and strength and if you ever want to talk, I'm here!!! We will muddle through together!

mrosey

[kakuehl]

Shannon,
I do understand the shutdown/shutout part of your story: when I was pregnant with my bson I shut every one else out. Years later one of my friends said of that time that I looked so unhappy/lost/upset he wanted to come up and give me a hug. I really wish he had; but I recognize that I had placed an boundary around myself that said keep away. I'm glad you could talk with your amom (and friend); losing a child and then following that with a difficult pregnancy is an incredible budern to carry alone.

I think that you could contact your bmom & basically share with her what you shared with us (minus the concerns about grandkids.) Ask her how she deals with overwhelming emotional pain now that she's not drugging herself with alcohol. You may find you have something in common!

Blessings as you take that roller coaster through the next climb and fall!
Kathy

[adoptionsearchblog2]

You are most welcome! The drug/alcohol issues do have a huge bearing on your reluctance to have her around your children.

Best of luck! None of this is easy, huh?

[Linzy1]

I found my birth family 20 years ago. What I found was not pretty,but yes,yes, I would do it again. The need to "know" was so strong. Everyone needs medical history,and has the right to know what nationality they are,and the right to look into birth parents eyes at least once. My biological sister and I are inseperable!! We have know each other 14 years now.We moved out birth mother near us two years ago after a lifelong yearning for her,but its not working! We both now pretty much want to end the relationship. Long long story! My birth father is a horrible man that I have nothing to do with,but still glad I found him and saw him. I have 8 (or more) 1/2 siblings from him but his second wife forbids them from seeing me! these are grown people! I also have a older full brother,sister then me,and then my baby sister who is so close. We would like to write a book,our story is long interesting and I think would help other adoptees realize what they could be up against and probably go threw.