[nickychaz]

My eleven year old son (who is in 6th grade) just came home with a homework assignment. His teacher wants him to research
his family tree and report on it. As an adoptee, I know nothing about my side of the family. Should I simply instruct my son to make something up or should I send a note to the teacher explaining our situation? I'm sure that other adoptees have gone through similar experiences. It just gets me so mad when teachers take things for granted. There are so many adopted children out there that it is just not fair ! I'm sure that the teacher did not mean any harm, but it is still upsetting.

[akcskye]

Originally posted by nickychaz
My eleven year old son (who is in 6th grade) just came home with a homework assignment. His teacher wants him to research
his family tree and report on it. As an adoptee, I know nothing about my side of the family. Should I simply instruct my son to make something up or should I send a note to the teacher explaining our situation? I'm sure that other adoptees have gone through similar experiences. It just gets me so mad when teachers take things for granted. There are so many adopted children out there that it is just not fair ! I'm sure that the teacher did not mean any harm, but it is still upsetting.

From what you post, am I correct in understanding that you are a single mother?

If not, have him research his father's line, if he's in contact with him.

If you are a single mother, yes, I would include a note asking for a different assignment for your child...perhaps instead of a family tree, he could write a short essay on the benefits of adopting a child?

I mean, it seems that the point of this assignment is family awareness. I think it would be a marvelous time to be able to share with kids the GOOD message of adoption.

Good luck hon!

Kristi

[BrandyHagz]

I know this might offend, but keep in mind, this was the late seventies early eighties when this happened.

When I was asked to do that project in middle school, I was perplexed.

I’d lived most of my life in a group home for girls in west Texas, and didn’t really have any family to speak of. So, what I did was created an “Artificial Family Tree” borrowing the idea from the plastic Christmas Trees I was used to having.

I created a “family tree” out of the house parents and girls that lived in the house with me.

I’m not sure if she did the same assignment the next year or not, but I do recall her being a little embarrassed at her lack of sensitivity regarding the issue. I did, however, pass with flying colors.

It is insensitive in some ways…I mean, an adoptee can still create a family tree using his or her adopted family…I think the most insensitive aspect comes when they start talking about bloodlines and the like.

[Howdy]

Since it is a 'family' tree, couldn't your son put down your adoptive parents as his grandparents? Or have you broken off relations with your afamily and don't consider them family anymore?

[Jensboys]

Well I know Lucyjoy (one of the people whom I most respect here on the forums for valuable opinions) has suggested in teh past to simply create one ...

Make up the family tree you wish you had (if you arent in contact with your adoptive family any longer - if you are, I would hope you would feel comfortable using them). Have fun with this project with your son and explain to him that due to the teacher's insensitivity you are being "creative".

I might send along a note to the teacher explaining that ... and saying something like "We really are all Dukes and Duchesses" Good luck with this!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well.... I would think that it was a little insensitive if the teacher knew that a child in her class was adopted or in Foster care and didnt clarify the project to include them....but Im sure the poor teacher couldnt know that a parent of a student was adopted.... I would probably just assume that they would make a tree using their adoptive family.

I think there are a lot of things that children can learn by this project....including talking about bloodlines...talking about names and where they come from and diseases and how they run in families.

Even if you are estranged...maybe you could use your adoptive information anyway. Just so that the fun isnt taken out of the project for your son! I think that the family tree project is mostly a fun bonding thing that kids can do with their parents.....

[kllee4]

As a teacher, I also agree that the teacher may not have known your personal situation. I can assure you that there are a lot of teachers who simply assign the same projects year after year since as a team, they must plan them, it's sometimes easier than to reinvent the wheel each year and certain school systems have that particular assignment as part of their overall curriculum. I do believe that most teachers can become creative in how they assign certain projects and since this really bothers you, I agree that you should speak to the teacher and explain how you feel. I am sure that she will accommodate you and give your son a different assignment.

I like the ideas about being creative with your family tree, but if it really bothers you, then you do have the right to speak to the teacher and do what is in the best interests of your child. This could also be a wonderful opportunity to educate his teacher as well since some, not all, may not have thought about how the assignment would affect adoptees.

Good luck! kllee

[Lorraine123]

Im not sure I understand the problem.... Did the teacher specifically state the "biological" family tree? My daughter was adopted from foster care. And while I will have trouble with any biological family assignments, I would be thrilled to help her create her family tree composed of her adopted family. We are her family. I don't quite get it??? Whats the problem?

[spitzlvr]

I am an adoptee, and I am wondering too. I did the family tree in school, it never bothered me. I HAVE a family, I was adopted into it.

Now, in genetics I had a problem....

But a basic family tree? If the child is adopted, they have one. (IMHO)

Mary

[akcskye]

I may be reading the OP wrong, but I assumed SHE was the adoptee...so "the buck" per se, on knowing the lineage on her side (at least bio, anyway), stops with her.

If that is the case, of course the teacher would not realize the emotional impact of the assignment to her child, because, from what I gain, he is NOT adopted.

Teachers are normally filled in on whether a child is adopted or fostered through the school's counselors, so the teacher can be aware of certain behaviors that may happen.

So, if there were any adopted children in that class, there could've been a chance she would've handled it differently than she did.

Kristi

[nickychaz]

Thank you to everyone who responded. Let me get a few things straight. No, I am not a single mother My son does have a father and we do know the history on his side of the family. The problem is that I do not have much information on my side of the family and the assignment wsa to trace back both sides of the family tree as far as posisble.

I'm sure that it is different now, but I was adopted in 1968 when there was still a alot of shame involved in adoption. My adoptive parents were ashamed that they were unable to have another child, after their only son died, and adopted me out of desperation. Their families were against the adoption and my adopted father did not want to go through with the process. The only reason that he did go through with the adoption was because my mother pressured him to do so. None of my adoptive family wanted any relationship with me and I never knew any of them. As a result, they were never talked about in front of me and to this day I do not even know my own grandparents names !
My adoptive father left when I was young and never contacted me again. I only learned his full name when I sent away for my own birth certificate. I know next to nothing about my adoptive family and even less about my biological one. I do not know their names (other than the mother, father, and one aunt. I do not know where they were born, I do not know what they look like, I know nothing !
My adoptive mother is living in another state, has remarried, and her husband does not know about me. I contacte her a few years ago and she begged me not to call her again. She is afraid that her husband will find out about me and leave her just like my adopted father did. Part of the shame stems from the fact that I am the product of a date rape. It also always bothered her that my mother is a Jahovah's Witness and asked that I not be raised as a Methodist (my adoptive parents religion) As a result I was never christianed and my mother stopped going to church (something she blames me for)
As you can imagine, my son does not know any of my adoptive family and I don't want to hurt his feelings by explaining that they are embarresed by him.
I am thinking of having him write a paper on searching for my birth parents. I have been searching for many years and have always been honest with him about it.
Oh, by the way, I also am a teacher and would never assign something that might be hurt a child's feeelings. Teachers should realize that children come from many different backgrounds and that sometimes they are less than perfect. My son can not be the only child that has been in this situation.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well instead of having him write a paper on searching for your birthparents....since the assignment was to research as far back as possible, why not have him research his dad's side and then have your side end with you and then in parenthesis next to your name put 'adopted-no more information available.' I wouldn't think that the teacher or anyone else would need any more detail than that.... I dont think this HAS to be embarrassing!

Good luck! I hope you get everything worked out.

[akcskye]

Originally posted by numbr1dbcksfan
Well instead of having him write a paper on searching for your birthparents....since the assignment was to research as far back as possible, why not have him research his dad's side and then have your side end with you and then in parenthesis next to your name put 'adopted-no more information available.' I wouldn't think that the teacher or anyone else would need any more detail than that.... I dont think this HAS to be embarrassing!
Good luck! I hope you get everything worked out.

I second this numbr1. You took the words right out of my mouth.

I am sorry for your situation, nicky, but I just want to re-empasize that if none of the children in your son's class are adopted or fostered, then of course the teacher probably felt comfortable in handing out the assignment.

It's not the teachers job to know the personal lives of every one of their student's families, unless there is something in their home that is cause for alarm. You're a teacher, you know this

I am, however, concerned with the message you conveyed.

I hate that you were subject to such hostilty with your adoptive parents, and I don't blame you for not keeping in contact with them.

However, what you said

As you can imagine, my son does not know any of my adoptive family and I don't want to hurt his feelings by explaining that they are embarresed by him.

Your son, as you pointed out in your post, is not the issue of why you and your a-family are at odds. The mom wanted a replacement for her deceased child and the father went along with it. And then finger pointing and stuff went on...but your son had nothing to do with it.

Please do not shift the blame to him when it's your a-parent's fault they did this...not YOU or HIM are to blame.

I mean NO offense by this, but that statement concerned me.

Best of luck to you,

Kristi

[nickychaz]

I realize that it is not a teacher's job to know the personal lives of each one of her students, but I do think that a teacher should be perceptive enough to realize that there might be a child in her classroom that is touched by adoption.

I am really amazed that no one is able to understand my perspective on this. Imagine an eleven year old boy standing up in front of 33 of his peers and admiting that he does not know his own grandparents. You are all adults and you were asking me why I simply did not use my adoptive parents information. What do you think that a class full of pre-teens is going to say ?
Children can be cruel.

I have never told my son that his adoptive grandmother is ashamed of him. I would never do that, even though I realize that it is the truth. I thought that this website is the one place that I can be honest, but no one seems to understand. It is a bit frustrating !Surely I can't be the only adoptee to have a situation like this. I would like to reemphasize that it was not my decision to break off my relationship with my a mother. It was hers. I am simply honoring her request. As for my father, he left when I was five years old. It was hardly my fault.

[BrandyHagz]

Ya know, my son has had occasions when he has had to give information about our family make up, and he’s never received one ounce of trouble from it. I am what most would consider an orphan, his biological father sexually assaulted me, and nine moths later, my wonderful son was born.

I think that in today’s society, every family has its own structure. It’s not how it used to be, with one mom and one dad and a ton of devoted close-knit family members. Some families have one parent, some have four, some have two dads while others have two moms.

My son has no one to put on his family tree…I take that back, he has me and my husband whom he calls dad. For all intents and purposes, I am an orphan…that’s just the way it is.

Its not something to be ashamed of or make a spectacle of, just complete the assignment the best that you can, and move on…if your that ashamed or worried about what others will think, make it up.