[ASHLEYALTM]

I Got The Non Idenifing Info I Know Where She Is But What Should I Do She Didn't Want Any Contact In May Of Last Year But My AdopteD Parents Think I Should Because She And I Need Meet Each Other Before It's To Late!!!!!i Also NEED Some Medical Questions Answered And I Have No Idea Neither Does My Bith Father Tha I Am Even His Sone She Never Told Him!!!!! I THINK SHE HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND

[Amy2U]

Hi there!

You have a right to your biological ANSWERS in life. If you know where your birth mother is, I would write one more letter, explaining that you don't want to interfere with her life, but you want to talk about medical things and some other issues and that would be just fine with you. If she can't MEET you, like my birth mother, (even though it hurts me to death, I do respect that noone knows about me, and her father is 74 yrs. old and that could do some damage), my birth mother did talk to me 2x.

If she doesn't respond to your letter in about 2 weeks. Go to mapquest, on the computer, get directions, and go straight to her house.

That is my opinion. I'm an adoptee, and sometimes I wish I had done it differently, where I wouldn't have had the search agent find her, but if I could have on my own, and then I could have just gone straight to her. But, I wouldn't now, out of respect for what I know.

I don't know if that makes any sense. But, if I PERSONALLY was in your shoes, I'd go see her, and stay at the door until she talked to you, tears and all. I know as an individual, I wouldn't turn someone away who was crying and hurting.

Hope that helps.

[sunnyfromNY]

Could you write a letter asking for your medical information? It's possible that she might reply with her medical background.

So you know your bfather's name? Why did you make that remark about a "one-night stand"? What does that have to do with anything? If you don't believe her, you can have a DNA test done.

[sunnyfromNY]

And I Have No Idea Neither Does My Bith Father Tha I Am Even His Sone She Never Told Him!!!!

I don't know what date you were born, but in the 'old days' - before 1985, maybe - they refused to write the bfather's name on the birth certificate because it was considered 'hearsay'. They didn't want to damage his reputation. The woman bore all the blame for an out-of-wedlock pregnancy... for many women this took a toll on them. Your mother may have known your father intimately or maybe not, but regardless, no one cared! Those women were deserted by their family as well as society. They were told not to speak of the child they relinquished and not to try to contact that child... EVER! Many women did not tell their husband or their other children. She may be terrified of having to reveal her previous history to her husband and in-laws.

Can you write a friendly letter telling her that you don't want to disrupt her life, that you need your medical history... and if she can tell you your birthfather's name that you would appreciate it, so that you can get his medical information also.

Good luck!

[Amy2U]

Has your birth father told you that he doesn't know if you are his son???? Or is that what your adopted parents told you, that your birth mom didn't tell your birth father about you?

I just didn't understand if you know your birthfather, or the man, that is on any info. papers you received.

I would definately do DNA. The man that my birth mom identified as my birth father, I met him in '99, had DNA in early 2000, and he's 100% not my birth father.

Now, mybirth mom only says, "Really!" to her sister, and to me, she just says, "I don't know then."

So, unless a miracle occurs, I'll never know the other half of my identity.

Again, the others have said also, write a friendly letter, but then I'd only wait 2 wks. I'd OVERNIGHT the letter too. It's worth the money, and get a RETURN RECEIPT on it, you know, when they receive it, they SIGN for it, then you will get that 1/2 back and know that it got in HER HANDS.

Then after 2 wks, if you don't hear from her, I'd go straight to her house and wait.

Oh, in the letter, give her your phone number, and address and invite her to call or come and see you, if she can't talk to you where she is.

Make it as inviting as you can, so she can feel safe to talk to you.

[Lisasue]

Hey Ashley:
Just another opinion, I think a letter is a great idea to your bmom. I am a bmom in Canada, and I am also the half sister of a brother I have never met.


My mom came from an era that was very hard on women who got pregnant before marriage. There was alot of intense shame put on them back then. Even when I went through the process in the 80's I was made to feel alot of guilt, shame and disgust.
How ever different times helped women to become stronger and therefore I have dealt with my situation alot differently then my mom.

My mom has suffered for her decision, but it might surprise you to know, that I didnt know of my brother until I got pregnant. My mom never wanted this for her girls, and would have kept the secret for life, however she decided to let me know why she could relate to my situation, and therefore her story came out. So not only did she feel she had to hide parts of her life, she had to re-live them through her own daughter, making her life very miserable, ending in my parents divorce.

You are entering a very sensitive situation, and I can totally appreciate your need and want to know where you came from, etc. Because you dont know the reasons behind your being put up for adoption, the damage could be great to your birth mom. Which inevitably could result in never having contact with her. A letter is the best option, and then possibly finding a third person to help with a reunion. Please understand, that as much as you need to know her, there could be alot of things going on for her too. I met a women at work not to long ago, and she told me how she went to her bmom's home unannounced, no one knew of the situation, and she felt horrible when she found out, that her bmom's husband could not take it, and they wound up divorced as well. Im sure this would not be something you would want. It may not be that your mom does not want to know, or meet you. I could be that she is dealing with alot of stuff, and possibly a past she needs to sort out.

I have met my son, and he did come to me. We had a person connect us and " Its been great!". So good luck to you in connecting to your mom, just remember you want it to be a positive time. Amy is right, you do have a right to know her, however, good or bad, there was something that made your bmom, make this choice for you. There seems to be so much connection now with adoptee's and bmom's, that hopefully your bmom will become more comfortable with everything over time. I know in my family, there is four other adoption stories and we have all connected now.

So again, good luck to you, Just another thought and opinion to think about!

[shadeinfla]

I can only say what I think I would do , I would first try a letter sent certified so you know she has recieved it, if you get no reply and are living geographically close enough I would then just go knock on the door.... not sure if that helps you but... that is what I would do!

Shade