[birth_mother]

So should I tell the birthfather that I will be involing him and his family when I begin my serious search or just let my son surprise him?. Which could rish my son getting hurt feeling. The birthfather may get things in the mail or whaterever I'm not sure, his name will be posted on the internet reunion databases and with searchs such as adoption.com. He may want to be reunited but I don't believe his wife wants him to. Who do I think of here, myself, my son, the birthfather, his wife and family.
For myself and my son, I don't care, but I wouldn't want my son to be rejected by his birthfather.

But it is all about the adoptee I think. Not the birthfathers wife.

[Daydreamer1984]

yes, you should tell your child's birth father that you are searching and if he wants to get involved let him, if not that is his choice as well. you should get his permission before you just post his name and other info on any website though.

[carmentb]

I persoanlly don't think you need to involve the birthfather. The only thing my son's bdad was involved in was when I needed him to fill out paperwork at the adoption agency about his medical history. If your son wants to contact him, great. That's just what I think. I've kept in contact with the family and the only thing, so far, is T wanted to know what his bdad looked like. He only has pictures of me. I didn't have any, so I wrote and told him about his bdad and what he looked like, etc. I feel if the bdad is ready and wants to share that experience with HIS family, I think he should make that decison on his own. If you have to bring him into it and you still have some sort of contact with the bdad....just mention that you are going to search and ask him if you can include his name in the search. That's just my opinion...I'm excited for you! Good Luck and best wishes.
Carmen

[krielly]

I'm not sure why you feel you need to involve him and his family????? I definitely would not post any of his info on any registry or website without his knowledge/approval!

You yourself said:
"But it is all about the adoptee I think. Not the birthfathers wife."

JMHO, but if you want to search for your bson, that it between you and your son. If your son then wants to search for his bfather, or needs your assistance with that, you can cross that bridge when you get there. I hope you are not offended, but I don't think that any contact/information sharing between the bdad and adoptee is really about anybody but them.

Sorry, I don't mean to offend you, and I hope this doesn't sound too harsh!
Again, it's JMHO!

Karen

[shellypurdin]

I agree with the above posts. I wouldn't even get the bfather involved.

My situation is different. I have remained friends with the bfather all these years.

[FauxClaud]

Well, I'll be the dissenting opnion.

I think it's a good idea to give the father a heads up. You don't need permission, so to speak, but it eliminates any surprises. If he wants to be involved, then great. If not, then at least he is given the chance to "get ready", mentally process the idea, and maybe he can get his wife in line. You will also have a clue then of what your son might face if he does want to know his father...prepare him for rejection etc.

I also don't hink that you need to get his permission to post his name. Yes, you can include that bit of info in the heads up, but you DO have the right to find your child and IF that info helps you find him, then so be it. After all, it does take two to tango and I don't think it's fair that he can make it harder on you by negating permision.
Truth is, he fathered a child. And the child has a right to know that.
Good luck on your search!