[nugget]

Lets see if I can type what has happened.
Tuesday, after looking for 6 months I found a half brother. He was adopted, as was I. I contacted him. I got his email from a post he had on a different site. He put it there 3.5 years ago at the age of 36. I told him I thought I might be his half sister and asked him if his name was "R". He replied. Yes it was him. What did I want? Told him I wanted to share with him the same information that I had on birth relatives. Back and fourth emails. One time he wants info, the next time he is content. One time he tells me a bit about himself and that he would meet me but only for my benifit. The next time he does not want to know anything personal about birth family just medical. Last night I emailed him that I have a contact for his birth father so he can get his medical as he wants to. Then told him the medical on birth mom is brief as she too was adopted.(I did not give him any history or the fact that she died when he was 8). This morning I wake up to this email from him.

Wendy,

You know, this whole thing is a bit silly. Your (our?) mom doesn't know her
medical history beyond herself, so that knowledge is fairly useless. And
I'm sorry because it seems you've put out effort for all of this, but I've
lived almost 40 years of my life without knowing anything and this is a bit
too much drama. Nothing personal, but this hasn't made me happy or relived
or anything but a bit depressed...and who needs that.

You can have the satisfaction of knowing your search hit pay-dirt, so to
speak...ya found me. But I'd just as soon not take it any further, so I
will not be calling Judy, she has no consent to be divulging addresses, etc.
I would prefer not to be contacted by anyone for any reason, unless my
real dad was Bill Gates and he feels so bad about things he wants to pass
off a million or so bucks my way. I won't say no to that. Otherwise,
please cease and desist all contact, phone calls, emails, missives, etc.
I've got a family even if they're not genetically related. Thanks.

Please guys help me out here. The only contact I have for him is email and you see he asked me not to contact him at all. Please be honest in what you think I should do but please be gentle, this is really painful for me.
Thanks
Wendy

[FL_GirlByProxy]

(((Wendy))) ~ You must be horrified by his email. I'm so glad you've posted here. I'm a birthmom, and yet I've got some thoughts. Feel free to dismiss anything you feel does not apply.

I think he is not letting this information into his heart, not bringing it in deeply. I think he is protecting himself. In doing this, he is coming off as standoffish, and rude, but I don't think that this attitude is his ultimate intention. He probably is feeling down or depressed about whatever is surfacing, and does not know how to deal with it.

Here is what I would do, and please, anyone out there with better suggestions, please bring them forward. I would email him one last time, with all of YOUR contact information. I would let him know that you feel he may change his mind someday, that he may want to know you, and that you don't want for him to have to search the way that you did. I would let him know that you are not going to email him after this last email, as he requested. And lastly I would remind him that it will never be too late, should he change his mind about contact with you. By reaching out with a patient, sincere and loving post, he may re-evaluate his last post to you, and his feelings. Anyone out there, please feel free to disagree, as I'm just going with my gut here. Wendy, you are in my prayers.

[nugget]

So put something to the effect:
Per your request this will be my last contact. Would like to give you my contact information should you change your mind ever in the future. .............
I want him to know that Dottye (our birth mom ) died in 1973, when he was just 8. Do I tell him that or no? My other thing is : Is he doing what I used to do to everyone? Let me see if I can make you go away too?
Mind you I will not harass him. It hurts and I am so angry because it's not like I hunted him down or anything. I just don't know.
Wendy

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Wendy, first off, I would see who else here posts to you today, you may get more advice that will help you with this, and it may be better than mine. (That has been known to happen, LOL).

Secondly, sitting on this for a day or so is a great idea. Breathe and get your thoughts in order. Sometimes strong emotions make us react so differently than we normally would.

Thirdly, in composing your email, if that is what you decide is the right thing to do, my advice is to make it sound more personal, not businesslike. (Please don't take any offense) If you sound more like family, he will view you more like family, IMO. I know you haven't talked to him or met him, and that makes this all so very difficult, but IMO, I would try to reach out as if you are writing a close friend. Ask him if he really meant that he doesn't want to hear from you anymore, and that this surprised you very much. I would not give him any more information, i.e. that your birthmom died in 1973. That is really sensitive information. It is my hope that his contact with you continues, that you become closer, and that there will be a right time to tell him this.

Your last question, about distancing, I feel can be so much better answered by another adoptee. I think you are right, but I'd like to see some adoptees post to confirm this.

Keep the faith, Wendy. I'm glad you are here!!

[ChristiBender]

Wendy... I am a 40 year old adoptee in good reunion with both my bparents. I grew up with a brother - also adopted. I am hoping that because of my situation I might be able to help you a little.

First... I like Proxy's advice about giving him one more email with your personal info. I DO think you should tell him that his mother died. I just think he has the right to know that.

Second... as to the tone of the letter. I am a person that has had some success in "mirroring" the tone of other people's communication. He was direct and businesslike.... I would encourage you to be the same. He will HEAR you better - because your tone will be familiar to him. That doesn't mean you can't express to him that you would like to maybe hear from him again.

Third.... you say you are hurt.....? While I understand as an adoptee - because we all want to be "accepted"..... is there something SPECIFIC about him that hurts you?? I am curious here.... and I feel I can't address your "pain" without knowing more of why it is there.

Fourth - it is ALWAYS important to know that we are responsible only for our own actions... not the actions (or feelings) of another. He is making choices. That is his right. Now you can make some. That is your right. Make the ones that will help you to feel as good as possible about yourself. In the end you sleep with yourself at night and you deserve to feel good about your bed-fellow!

From knowing my brother... I would have to say that I am not completely surprised that a man would react this way. Oops.. that sounded bad. Sorry... I mean a woman could react this way too.... but I know that I wouldn't be surprised if MY brother acted this way. I think it is a defense thing. It is a protective thing. I also know that my brother VERY rarely ever thinks about the fact that he is adopted... let alone about the people that gave him life. It just isn't on his radar. It isn't a "personal" thing... it is just that to him his family is the people who are AROUND him... who KNOW him... who SHARE his life. He has no need to medical info... he thinks that his doctor will figure out anything that comes up. He is content without the search, the risk, the knowledge, the complication, the drama. He is also a wonderfully kind, loving, sensitive, loyal and devoted brother, son and father.

Not everyone feels the same need to search.

Not everyone is comfortable feeling emotionally vulnerable.

Not everyone is able to walk the path of the searching/found/reunited birthrelative.

Perhaps he just can't do that - at least at this time. And if he can't..... would you really want him to?

[6boysrus]

I was recently reunited through this site with my sister. We both grew up as only children and are currently searching Internationally.

Niether of us ever grew up wondering who our birthfamily was, we both have been completely content.

Speaking for myself.. (and Joanne.. please post your thoughts here as well)-- I am thrilled to have a sister and my father is thrilled for me(mom died 9 years ago).

But truly there are some adoptees who it just really doesnt matter where they come from or who their "blood" relatives are. I dont think that's in any way abnormal or there is a sense of anger or resentment in their thoughts. They are confident in knowing who they are and were raised in knowing who they are. Just because one has another "set" of family out there, doesnt mean they feel they belong with that family or that they owe them something.

His letter seems to me that it really doesnt matter to him that you are his sister and that he has siblings. He knows who he is and has come to terms with that and accepts it for what its worth to him. Though it is extremely unfortunate that you have to face it with such great difficulty-- it does seem very unfair.

I surely am not going to tell you what to do in your case and perhaps his situation will change over time.
I just wanted to point out the fact that to some of us it never really mattered where it was we came from. Matter of fact- I think now Im more interested in pursuing seeking our birthmother out of curiosity yet I expect absolutely nothing. I dont plan to gain "roots" I am strongly rooted in my families culture & heritage which happens to be polish as both my birthparents were. I never lost that and I am fortunate.

I do agree to give it some time.. write an email in a week and at least give him your contact information. His initial rejection may turn out to be a wonderful reunion, but by all means give him the space and the respect he he wants. If you push him you'll loose the possibility of reuniting.

Yvonne

[lindsaydawn]

Dear Wendy,
My name is Lindsay and I've just been through a bit of a nightmare myself. I understand how hard that can be for you. Personally myself I was just smothered to death by birthmom. She called me over 60 times in less then two weeks and I was so terrififed I ran like the wind. Anyways, my own advice is....take if for what you can....I would maybe let him gently about your bmom and just add that you will always be there if he needs you...leave your contact. He sounds as if he's like myself. Afraid to jump. Very sensetive to that. He sounds like he's been VERY clear so I woudn't push. The more you push the more they run. If he sees you giving more info that he didn't want to begin with it may just be another imprint that his boundaries weren't or will not be respected. Maybe give him some space. You never know, maybe that's all he needs. That's all I needed and when it was not respected it really hurt the relationship. That's only my own opinion. Make sure you do what is comfortable for you. I'm very sorry that he was so defensive but who know's what he's been through. For your sakes, I really do hope that in time whatever you decide to do that he comes around. I wish you all the best. This site is amazing we're all here to be supportive. I was given good advice the other day....when someone does something that really hurts you...try your best to imagine every other possibility as to why they are doing what they do. Maybe it can spare some feelings of yours.
Lindsay

[shadeinfla]

First agree with fl girl by proxy , send him one more email. i am wondering was this just this past Tuesday that you fiound him? if so, then maybe he needs time to adjust to being found? even when someone wants to be found, actually being found is something that can take time to absorb.... he may have fears... to me and it is just me what i read between the lines is he afraid of the truth , the line about Bill Gates makes me think he fears knowing exactly where his genetic lines come from,,, so maybe give him some time,,let him think , email him one more time like fl g by proxy suggested and then see where it goes...just my two cents worth...


Shade

Originally Posted by nugget

Lets see if I can type what has happened.
Tuesday, after looking for 6 months I found a half brother. He was adopted, as was I. I contacted him. I got his email from a post he had on a different site. He put it there 3.5 years ago at the age of 36. I told him I thought I might be his half sister and asked him if his name was "R". He replied. Yes it was him. What did I want? Told him I wanted to share with him the same information that I had on birth relatives. Back and fourth emails. One time he wants info, the next time he is content. One time he tells me a bit about himself and that he would meet me but only for my benifit. The next time he does not want to know anything personal about birth family just medical. Last night I emailed him that I have a contact for his birth father so he can get his medical as he wants to. Then told him the medical on birth mom is brief as she too was adopted.(I did not give him any history or the fact that she died when he was 8). This morning I wake up to this email from him.

Wendy,

You know, this whole thing is a bit silly. Your (our?) mom doesn't know her
medical history beyond herself, so that knowledge is fairly useless. And
I'm sorry because it seems you've put out effort for all of this, but I've
lived almost 40 years of my life without knowing anything and this is a bit
too much drama. Nothing personal, but this hasn't made me happy or relived
or anything but a bit depressed...and who needs that.

You can have the satisfaction of knowing your search hit pay-dirt, so to
speak...ya found me. But I'd just as soon not take it any further, so I
will not be calling Judy, she has no consent to be divulging addresses, etc.
I would prefer not to be contacted by anyone for any reason, unless my
real dad was Bill Gates and he feels so bad about things he wants to pass
off a million or so bucks my way. I won't say no to that. Otherwise,
please cease and desist all contact, phone calls, emails, missives, etc.
I've got a family even if they're not genetically related. Thanks.

Please guys help me out here. The only contact I have for him is email and you see he asked me not to contact him at all. Please be honest in what you think I should do but please be gentle, this is really painful for me.
Thanks
Wendy

[nugget]

[quote=ChristiBender]Third.... you say you are hurt.....? While I understand as an adoptee - because we all want to be "accepted"..... is there something SPECIFIC about him that hurts you?? I am curious here.... and I feel I can't address your "pain" without knowing more of why it is there.

First, thank you all. I do think I will "mirror" his tone, I feel that would come across the best.
Hurt. I am hurt because when he first said just medical information I replied saying ok let me know when you are ready.
Then he replies telling me what he looks like as well as an offer to meet him. He said "My wife has family in #### and I could meet you there. Know this would be for your benifit only as I have no desire for any relationship with anyone from my birth family."
Please know that I didn't tell him anything like "Our bmom was a wonderful person " or " Oh big brother I'm so glad I found you".
The hug hug kiss kiss is justy not something I do in real life. I come here for the support I need, in my every day life I usually keep people at an arms distance aaway. That's just me.
I am still conflicting as to if I should tell him Dottye died. My reason to tell him would be to answer a question that he never asked. "Why is a sib contacting me rather that my bmom?" But if he never asked it should I tell him? I will not push, I do not need more people in my life to get hurt by either. My goal was and still is to find my other sib and my bfather. My goal was to give them the same information that I received. And now I am aware that at this point he is not interested in the whole "Bmom liked Daisys and didn't like to cook" stuff but I did want to get him the medical and medical contact for his bdad as that is what he had requested in his posting.
Keep those thought flowing guys! It's keeping me from reacting!!
Wendy

[srchin']

Oh Wendy.....I can't imagine how you must feel about all of this.......(sending good thoughts your way ) I feel that an e-mail back would be good and I would keep it how ChristiBender said "same tone" as he portrayed to you. I think if it was me (just an opinion) I would go ahead and tell him that b-mom has passed....He may be worried that he is about to be bombarded with "new" family. Just a thought..... Change is scary!!!! My younger brother helped to convince me to get over my fear of searching and now he won't even register with the state (and he already knows that his b-mom is registered there and is waiting for him) It's just not top on his list of priorities. I do think it's kinda a "guy thing".

srchin'

[RiverGal]

I think Christi hit the nail on the head when she said all adoptees don't have a desire to "reunite." Sounds like you bro may be one of them. It appears he has moved ahead with his life and is content in his reality.

I'm sorry for the mixed messages that you have been getting...first he wants to meet, then he doesn't...he's interested, then he's not. Must have you feeling a little dizzy.

LeeAnn's suggestion that you send a final email with contact info is good. That way he is aware that the door is open for future contact, yet you are not being emotionally batted back and forth. I also think you should disclose the info that birthmom is deceased.

Good luck in finding peace. Remember that his lack of interest is not a personal rejection of you, just his choice in dealing with his reality.

(((HUGS)))

~Deb

[ChristiBender]

Nugget.... ok... to clarify a little. You are hurt because he is fickle. Is that about it?? I know that sounds like a huge oversimplification.... but when I boil it all down it sounds like that.

You sound like a person who values consistency... and he surely hasn't provided much of that!

You said that you wanted to give him the medical info. You have done your job well and passed along the info for him to achieve as much of that as is possible. Whether he does it or not isn't your responsibility, choice or business. (sorry to sound harsh..... eek....I hope you understand). Take a break... pat yourself on the back and know that you have done a good thing. And... he may use that contact info.... you just can't know..... can you?

Then it seems that his offer to meet (for your benefit) and his later change of heart about that is painful for you. I think that makes PERFECT sense. It might "feel" like a rejection..... and I guess it is - to a sense - although not a real "personal one". He hardly knows you.... so how could he reject YOU?? I think he is rejecting the idea of the "people that gave him away"... and you are in that bunch.

Maybe it will help to remind yourself that you are not done looking. There are other people to find. He is but one part of the puzzle and surely entitled to his distance... just as you are distant in your "real" life. Maybe that runs in the genes! *wink*

I think it is the clashing of the "hope" for something warm and welcoming and the "reality" of him not wanting anything... anything at all. And.... probably the fact that you have done a lot of leg work - which seems sorely underappreciated - isn't helping either.....

Doesn't it just taste like bitter lemons sometimes...... ?? This process of growth and self discovery....

[nugget]

That's not over simple, that's pretty much it!
I never gave him the "contact" information for me (except email) or the birth father. Never gave him any names at all either. I take it personal as an adoptee being "rejected" but I totally get it. It's like wanting to know something but not wanting to know. I wanted to find my bmom, I did not want to find her dead.
Anyway, I will send him one final email. Please help me out on this one:
"R" Per your request this will be my final contact. I would like to leave you with my contact information should you have any questions in the future.
Wendy blahblah
1000 happy trails
peace usa
I would like to let you know that the reason I contacted you and not the woman who gave birth to you is because she passed away in 1973.
Feel free to contact me in the future
Wendy
Does that sound ok?
Wendy

[JerseyJK]

Reading through all the suggestions I find most to be in agreement that one final email is a good idea. I'm in that camp as well.

Personally though, I think the info regarding your bmom being deceased comes off as something of a "parting shot". I know you don't mean it that way, but sounds a bit like "OK, you won't talk to me I'll go away, but by the way ... "

Seems to me he requested no info, so if I were in your shoes I'd leave it with your contact info and nothing more. He said he doesn't want to know anything about his bmom, so I'd respect that.

Just my opinion.

[krielly]

IMO.......Please don't advise him his bmother passed away via email.................

For one, I don't think it seems as though he is interested in any info. As much as this conflicts with how you are feeling, it's his choice and no one should take that away from him. I don't think it's fair to "push" this type of information on him.........Like another said.....he has contact info, if he changes his mind and wants to pursue any of this, let it be HIS choice. PLEASE!!!

Secondly, if you MUST tell him, I think it is a pretty BIG thing to be telling someone in an email........

Sounds like, at least at this point of his life, he just wants to let all of this go.........this doesn't mean he may never change his mind, but for now, it needs to be up to him. Please respect this.

I DO agree that sending a final email is a great idea. You could let him know that the door is always open. I really fear that if you tell him about your bmother, when he has said he doesn't want info, you may just close that door, and that would be so sad.

sorry..........JMO........