[snuffie]

I have been searching for my bdad for quite a while now. My bmom had passed away before I found her - so I couldn't ask her any questions about him.
Even though I realize she may not have told anyone about me I can't help but think that she would have confided in a good girlfriend.
I spoke with a classmate of hers and tried to be very discreet. Just a daughter requesting stories about her mom. But this sounded too "fishy" and I ended up telling this woman who I really was. She was very nice and gave me the name of another classmate whom I recently contacted and now am waiting for a reply.
I am feeling bad that in order to conduct my search my bmom's "secret" has to be out in the open.
This whole process is soo difficult. Trying not to hurt anyone (even though she has passed away.)
Anyone have any thoughts or ideas?

[6boysrus]

I know exactly what you are feeling..
My situation was that my mother came from poland on visa , had 2 children, placed bothof us and got married and went back to her homeland.
I am very fortunate to have been placed with a polish family, so I completely am absorbed in my heritage, the polish culture and society.

I read an article yesterday in a omline polish newspaper that spoke about adoption and how it is stilla "tabu" subject in Poland. No one talks about it, they dont have forums like this over there, thoughthey do have open records. In Poland they dont tell children at a young age.. its always a very hush hush topic..

In our search, which has turned International now, I have always suspected that she left to go back to Poland to run away from her secrets. I would bet that 99%, her family to this day doesnt know.

I absolutely Honor that.. she has the right to privacy and she has the right for me not to turn her world , her marraige, her life upside down.

So i know what you mean about being discreet! I've been thinking for the past few days about this very subject and talking to my Aunt about it. (My entire family are immagrants, I and my cousins are first generation here in US.) My Aunt understands too the stigma or lack of that goes along with adoption in Poland. She says just jump in and contact her (once I find her, if I do).. but I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT if I feel that it will ruin her life or compromise her life in any way. That is not fair to her or her family at ALL!

At least that's how I see it. As much as it is MY desire to find her and meet her and know her, I can't let just my feelings prevail in this. It would be completely wrong to force myself upon her or to contact her and say.. hey remember me.. Im your long lost daughter.. you know, the one you gave birth to in Chicago?

The approach for me would have to me MUCH more sensitive than that. If we find her, I will not contact her directly but contact a priest in her parish to make the initial contact with her. That's just the way it MUST be done(esp in Poland)-- once I am completely sure that its her.

So what you are going through, I can totally relate. It's the hardest thing to be discreet..lol To be gentle, not to give too much information, to be respectful etc..

But in the long run, what's really driving is us the love we have for our birthmothers, we have placed them ahead of our own wants.. Which is ironic, because thats the exact thing they did for us..Placed us ahead of their own wants.

You are doing great, keep on the road that you are going and follow your heart. You will know what to say to these people that are crossing your path...

I'm sorry your seach ended without you ever meeting her. If its true that we are similar to our birthparents personalities, your Mom had a HUGE heart and a lot of LOVE in her!!

Von

[angelesther]

i think that the feeling is somewhat the same in searching for any birthfamily. i have leads on my maternal grandmother but i am not sure if i want to pursue them. i am not sure how much my birth mother told her family and i really dont want to show up and say "hey, im the baby that she never told you she had" i think that that could cause a lot of damage and that is somthing that i am not willing to do. my greatest wish is to know her but my fear of disrupting her life is holding me back. if i was in her shoes i would not have keept it a secret, but if she has then i am not sure how to pursue it. i could not risk hurting her just to satisfy my longing to know her.

[snuffie]

Von thank you so much for the encouragement. It is so hard to know what to do.
Although everyone with the exception of one person has been happy that I "showed up" it still is so hard to know what's waiting on the "other side." Thank you also for your kind words. They made my day!
Angelesther I know what you are going through. Is your bmom deceased or have you tried contacting her? I think one of the hardest parts of this whole thing is trying to put oneself in the other persons shoes. But there is also the chance that they have been awaiting contact and may be wondering "what took you so long" Although I have spoken with a birth mom who did not tell her mother about placing a child for adoption I think in most cases our birth grandmothers do know. And may have thought about us all of our lives too.

[angelesther]

no i dont think that she is deceased, i just havent had much luck in finding her current location. i think that she has married though. my only lead so far has been through her mother, and i havent even really pursued that except to see that she is still at the same address, which is amazing that she is. thank you for the encouragement as well! hopefuly i will get up the courage to make contact and i pray that you are right.

[6boysrus]

snuffie..
I have some good news on my search.. There is an organization in poland that I spoke to over the phone this morning and theyare going to help me in finding my/sisters mother. I can hardly believe it.
Anyhow.. When I was speaking to the lady this morning.. I was explaining to her how I did not want to disrupt my mothers life and asked if they in fact did find her, if they would pass along a letter from both me and my sister so that if she wanted contact, she would kow how to get in touch with us.
I told my sis (joanne1968) that we need to get started on those letters because I am guessing that they are going to be able to track her pretty quickly.. Poland does NOT have unlisted numbers- the white pages arent avail online though (privacy laws) and our mother isnt in "hiding". Hoping that she didnt divorce.. lthough if she did.. it wasnt here in the states-- it would have been in Poland- those records would be simple to obtain because they can trace her to her Surname.

I thought of you today when I sat down to start putting together this letter.What do I say? What do I call her? Should I tell her my life story? Should I just stay simple in thought..

I decided to stay simple and begin by telling her that I do not want to change her life or turn her world upside down. I want to let her know that I have such respect for her for chosing my life over hers. I want her to know that appreciate that love, that I had great parents, that I grew up Polish in an immigrant family and on and on and on.
Although I could write a novel to her, I think keeping it simple to catch her attention and let her initiate the contact if she'd like to. I wnt to tell her everything in person-- not over the phone, not in a letter.
If they find her pretty quick.. Im already thinking of updating my passport.. I have lots of family still in Poland and I wouldnt mind the visit, it's been 20 years since I was there last..

Anyhow, sorry for the novel.. just wanted to let you know I thought of you today and the conversation we had about being "discreet"
Yvonne

[dpen6]

Yvonne,

I was just cruising around and reading threads. This thread caught my eye. Keep us posted on what happens. You sound very sensitive and gracious.

I wish you lots of luck on your search.

Snuffie,

It is scary to think one is just barging in...those lingering judgements do remain in this world. I don't know what to tell you....but hoping you find what you need to. I don't beleve that you are doing anything wrong by just asking. Your not yakeing out ads in the paper, ...some questions..quietly......I think your on the right track.

Good luck

Donna

[6boysrus]

Thanks Donna...

I and sis(joanne1968) will be SURE to post when and if we find anything out from the Polish search.

Hopefully if there are other adoptees out there who have birthparents who went back to their homeland, this will give them a little bit of hope that there are ways to track them down

Thank you for the kind words and for the encouragement!
Yvonne

[snuffie]

thanx Donna
I needed to hear what you had to say!

[FatBirdy]

Hi Snuffie,

Tough call on what to do. However, I tend to agree with Donna - it's not as if you are telling the world. You are not telling to 'out' someone or be spiteful. You are genuinely seeking answers for yourself....answers that you deserve to know!