[sunnyfromNY]

HELP! 49 Years Later.....

I was 17 in 1955 when I had my son. His birth was the result of a date rape. Three years later I married a guy I met after the birth and we moved out of town and raised 5 children. My two daughters and three sons are married; all have nice families and are doing well.

I didn’t actively search, because I couldn’t imagine telling my children and grandchildren that I had had a child out of wedlock so long ago. Well, his name showed up on one of the search websites that I looked at almost every day for the last fifteen years.

I was curious as to why he finally searched after so many years. I decided to make contact to answer any questions he might have. He has no questions. He says he just was curious to meet his birthmother.

I went to his hometown to meet him and I loved meeting him. Didn’t meet his asisters or aparents. His aparents are very wealthy; he seems very happy. Not married, no children. So here’s my dilemma; since he doesn’t seem to have any questions at all about his bfamily, should I volunteer information or just let sleeping dogs lie. I did ask him in one of my first emails if he would be happy if he didn’t have siblings; he said ‘no problem - just want to meet you.’ The subject hasn’t been raised since. He says he doesn’t want to pry into my life. I know his bfather’s name but he says he’s not interested in looking for him.

What if a few years down the road when his aparents are gone, he wants a closer relationship than just emails every now and then, what do I tell him and my other children as to why I avoided introducing them to each other? Will he be very upset if he finds out that I didn’t tell him? Is this a case of him having a good life and he doesn’t need more information? We only email occasionally and only if I write to him.

It’s been 4 months and I’m so nervous and scared that I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to alienate anyone because I need my children and grandchildren’s company now that my husband is gone. But time is passing quickly and I have to make a decision. I just can’t imagine bringing this subject up to any one of my children.

Especially since my oldest son doesn't seem to care, and his younger siblings might be overwhelmed to find that he had a better life than they did.

[chris1965]

Hello Sunny, I'm an adoptee who after 38 years finally decided to search for my birth mother. I found her and we first met about 7 weeks ago. The reason why I couldn't bring myself to really actively search for her earlier in my life was I didn't want to bring any major disruption to her life or her family. I believe your bson feels the same way. After I made first contact thru a family friend who had known my bmom (long story)..... I wanted to convey that everything could be on my bmom's complete terms as far as if or when we meet and what degree of contact we have afterwards.. she had a son and I felt if she didn't want to tell him about me..that would be fine. Or any of her family members. I understand that a bmom in this situation has the most to lose. I felt I searched for her and really she was my only concern and desire. I was thrilled we finally met and I too didn't have a whole lot of questions, outside the basics, during our first meeting... I didn't want to spoil the moment. I didn't ask about bdad and she didn't say anything. For me, I don't really have much interest in him right now. But the fact he searched for you means alot.....trust me.

I feel you may have to take the lead on this, as that is the desire of your bson.....have you sent him any pictures of you? If not, get some to him. If your relationship with him progress, you should tell him about your kids... and I'm sure he won't push you to tell them.

For whatever it's worth, it was after my second meeting with my bmom that the two of us really clicked and opened up. It was after that visit she told her son about me and our emails were more warmer and fequent. She'll come up again around New Years to met my wife and kids.

Chris

[Darlyne8212]

Hi! Sunny: You have a tough decision to make----maybe you should think about your children's feelings when they find out that they have a 1/2 brother after your gone! These secrets tend to come out eventually! In my case, when my B/mother told her sons, they felt relieved that they had heard the story from her rather than from a stranger! It took a lot courage on her part but her sons felt that these things happen in people's lives and to live with a secret like this was wrong for all parties concerned.
Your children may feel that it is a blessing to know each other in future years!
Good luck! Darlyne

[sunnyfromNY]

Thanks, your email helped a lot. I really have tried to believe that was the case; that he doesn't want to pry, but I'm beginning to feel that he doesn't care.

I made the 600-mile trip for a second meeting but was left sitting alone in a hotel for a day and a half. When I got back home, he had sent 2 emails explaining that he couldn't get through on my cell phone and would I please call him. My cell phone showed nothing on the caller's list.

On the other hand, he seems very respectful and kind when he answers my emails. Maybe that's the only relationship he wants right now????

I guess I'm wondering if I tell my other children, would he be inconsiderate to them also. Would I be revealing myself for no good reason? I feel like I should work out some kind of relationship with him before I get the rest of my family involved.

I'm happy to hear that your meeting with your bmother went well both times and that she felt comfortable enough to open up to you. Your experience gives me hope.

Originally Posted by chris1965

Hello Sunny, I'm an adoptee who after 38 years finally decided to search for my birth mother. I found her and we first met about 7 weeks ago. The reason why I couldn't bring myself to really actively search for her earlier in my life was I didn't want to bring any major disruption to her life or her family. I believe your bson feels the same way. After I made first contact thru a family friend who had known my bmom (long story)..... I wanted to convey that everything could be on my bmom's complete terms as far as if or when we meet and what degree of contact we have afterwards.. she had a son and I felt if she didn't want to tell him about me..that would be fine. Or any of her family members. I understand that a bmom in this situation has the most to lose. I felt I searched for her and really she was my only concern and desire. I was thrilled we finally met and I too didn't have a whole lot of questions, outside the basics, during our first meeting... I didn't want to spoil the moment. I didn't ask about bdad and she didn't say anything. For me, I don't really have much interest in him right now. But the fact he searched for you means alot.....trust me.

I feel you may have to take the lead on this, as that is the desire of your bson.....have you sent him any pictures of you? If not, get some to him. If your relationship with him progress, you should tell him about your kids... and I'm sure he won't push you to tell them.

For whatever it's worth, it was after my second meeting with my bmom that the two of us really clicked and opened up. It was after that visit she told her son about me and our emails were more warmer and fequent. She'll come up again around New Years to met my wife and kids.

Chris

[chris1965]

Sunny, I'm sorry to hear that your son was a no show for a second meeting, expecially after you had made a 600-mile trip. I'm a bit surprised a 49-year old man would pull such a stunt. I may be wrong on this, but to me that is a tell-tell sign that he hasn't told his aparents about him finding and meeting you. And until he does, your relationship with your bson won't progress much. Sadly, some adoptees leave thier parents totally out of the loop when they begin to search and do so in secret and some, like your son, get lucky and find themselves face to face with the living, breathing woman who gave them birth. Then they feel terribly guilty about it and back off...... it's not that they don't care.
I was fortunate in that while my parents didn't really encourge me to search, they were always supportive and that helps in my new relationship with my bmom.

I assume you would want a closer relationship with him? If so, you may have to encourge him on this because it will be very slow going for a while until he opens up with his afamily.

Chris

[Renda]

Sunny,

After reading your post, I think its better to be honest with your children, they are adults so can understand more, and it does seem better to tell them yourself.
As for your son, maybe its better just to let him know that you are there if he needs you, and then the contact is up to him, it may be that he is worried about telling his a parents. As chris said though it means a lot that he searched for you.

I too found my b mother, and am happy not to meet her what I know is enough to satisfy my curiosity, once I found her that was enough, the search over.

It may take him longer to want more, everyone is different so I think the best thing is to leave it open for him.

It would be better to tell your family about him though, just so there are no secrets, that always feels better.

I wish you well,

Renda

[sunnyfromNY]

I don't live near any of my family. They would have to be told through an email or phone call. It's unlikely I could reach each of them before one of them called a sibling to tell them what 'mom' had done. Too many kids, too little time...unless I do a conference call....and even that would be a problem because they live in different time zones.

So I spoke to an attorney to get help with telling them; he told me I would be foolish to tell my younger children. That made me a little angry. I then decided to tell my bson about my younger children and find out whether he was interested in contacting any of them. That's when my bson stood me up and now I'm conflicted. Am I doing things backwards?

Those two experiences really upset me. I intended to speak the truth at first.

I feel like he searched for me so he shouldn't be backing away from getting involved. Yet I feel drawn to him and very much want everyone to know each other. I'm proud of my children.

I've really made a mess of things.....and it's Christmas. Maybe I should put this all off until after the holidays?

I feel that a conclusion to this is close. One thing I like about this website is that there are so many happy reunions.

[Renda]

Sunny,

Don't be so hard on yourself, you have not messed anything up, these situations are not easy to deal with and you are doing your best.

It sounds like your son may not be ready for meeting his siblings so again I feel the best you can do is dont pressure him and leave him to his own time.

Meanwhile you could open up to the family, just tell them as it is so that they dont expect to be all sat round the dinner table with him just yet.

I know as a mother you would like them all to be together, but in realization there is a possibility that it may never happen.

Better to open up to your children, you may feel better having done that and just been honest with them about how things are with your b son.

Perhaps it might be better left until after xmas, to give yourself a break from it.

You'll do what is right for you I'm sure,

good luck with it all,

Renda

[nachelle]

Hi, I am also an adoptee, the best thing you can do for yourself, son and your family is to be honest with everyone. I could not imagine being in your shoes and holding that inside, that has to be a big weight on your shoulders. Only my opinion but I believe that your children have a right to know about your son he is part of who you are and there should be no shame on your part or your sons. He may seem to not show interest in the others but if you ask me an adoptee does not start a search if there is lack of interest, and he be scared to let down his wall for fear of hurt or possible rejection its how some of us deal with this. Although he grew up wealthy, money does not replace your birth roots thats always with us. Please take it slow and yes I would wait till after the holidays. Good luck and all the best to you and your family.

[chris1965]

Sunny, I don't see in any way that you yourself have made a mess of this....it's your bson that has the cold feet. I admire you that you have made the effort to meet him halfway, so to speak. Have you told him about the circumstance of your preg? That may have been a little hard for him to take. You may have to let him have some time and space. Please send him a nice Christmas card, OK?

By the way, leave that attorney out this situation! They're the ones who have really 'made a mess of things' when it comes to adoption. What do they know?

Just my two cents worth.

Chris

[sunnyfromNY]

You're right, I should never have talked to that attorney but there was no one else at the time. I really screwed up my courage and thought he might be able to give me some good advice about how to approach my family. As it turned out he only made me wonder if I should tell them at all.

One nice thing that happened to me today was that I got an email from my bson that wasn't a reply to one of mine. It was to ask me how I was and to talk about the weather, but I felt that some progress was taking place.

Do you think he's old-fashioned and has been raised to not discuss his feelings because if I mention anything personal, I don't get an answer. As soon as I ask about cars, boats or planes, he sends a long email. But nothing personal.

Yes, he knows how and why he was given up for adoption. He didn't ask. I told him. And since his aparents gave him the information to look for me, that's not the reason he's wary.

Anyway, I'm going to visit a couple of my kids for two weeks. If I tell them, I'll let you all know how it turned out. Thanks to everyone for all your advice - I appreciate it.

[sunnyfromNY]

Told them. They think I'm wrong on all of this, can't believe I even contacted bson and want nothing to do with him. He's quite a bit older.

Now bson is getting more and more distant. I don't see the point of telling him since it looks like he's going away.

Guess I should be happy that he's had a good life which I am. I think this is all too much work.

[Renda]

Sunny,

You have done the right thing by telling your family about your bson, they may have had a quick reaction though and not really had time to think about it, its up to them though, you have told them and that was fair.

As for your son, he may be distant but he knows how to contact you if he wants, so don't worry anymore, you sound very fed up with it all, its time to move on for you I think, you have done the very best you can, but if you keep it the main thing in your life it will get to you in the end, so hold your head up and rise above it all, and get on with your life , just remember you did the right thing.

Hope you don't mind my down to earth reply, don't mean to upset you.

~take care~

renda

[InionGrinn]

Don't forget, this is about YOU ...I know it must be very important to have your other children's support but don't let them change your mind for you.
You sound so discouraged! I am so sorry that things didn't go well with your other children...but I hope this isn't the thing that makes you close the door forever!
I think that perhaps your children need time to adjust to this news...I can't imagine that they would totally want nothing to do with your birthson at all...maybe at first it is a shock but maybe all they need is some time to let it sink in.
We're here for you here, I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

[srchin']

Sunny,

I agree with Chrissy you shouldn't let anyone else make your mind up for you. Take your time and take at your pace.....he knows how to reach you and I also believe like everyone else that they haven't had an ample amount of time to properly digest this new info. It will work out exactly how it's supposed too!!!! Hang in there!!

srchin'