[JLFTLF]

I'm not really sure where to start. My husbands sister was taken when she was 1 year old by the department of family and children. We believe and the adoption records confirm that one of his dad's sisters called them. Now it isn't their fault she wasn't given back and was adopted out...but to make a long story short it was out of spite.

I have been searching for Tina for many years, every since I married into the family. Mainly for my mother in law. It has always been very hard on her, a void, many of you I'm sure know the feeling, emptiness I am talking about. But also for my husband. He is 13 years older than Tina and took care of her when she was a baby. I found her. Last month.

I had many reservations about telling mama about her, my husband and I live several states away, mama lives with my brother in law.

I wanted to meet her first, see who she was, talk to her. I was adopted too and I have wonderful adoptive parents and biological parents...but it can get complicated. They presumed it would be a "homecoming for her" (another whole story) Anyway, my husband insisted we not hide it from them, tell them right away, let them decide what to do. So against my better judgement we told them. Within two hours my brother in law was making a 4 hour trip to pick Tina up and bring her home to live. (she agreed) She has always felt like she was lost, missing something, a little confused although in her words had wonderful adoptive parents.

The first few days went great, I started to worry less, made them promise not to overwhelm her by calling everyone we ever knew. Guess what? They called everyone. Everyone. People we haven't seen in years...the people who had her taken away...They all came to visit. Overwhelming!

The rumor in the family has always been that the middle brother and tina actually had a different dad, Tina's mom and a brother in law were said to have had an affair (really getting complicated) no one has ever confirmed and he is now gone but that would make some of their cousins actually half brother and sisters. Needless to say, a few of these cousins (who we don't see very often) came to visit and talked Tina into going to their house. They have now convinced Tina they are her brothers and sisters and that who she thinks her "real" dad is, isn't really her dad, etc.... now she's mad at everyone and really confused. I don't blame her. How can i explain to her that this is the reason we don't participate in that side of the family. She was already confused and overwhelmed, now she doesn't trust anyone.

If the uncle was really her dad, he wouldn't have raised her, had she not been adopted out, My husbands dad would have raised her just like he did the others and she would have never been around this side of the family, just like none of us are.

Our immediate family keep to ourselves, brothers, sisters, mom and dad. There are a lot of trouble makers in this family and we try to avoid it all. Now Tina is being sucked in...I know if things keep going she will be hurt...How do i make her understand, we want to get to know her, she's an adult she needs to make her own choices, but she is so vulnerable...Not sure if any of this makes sense...very mad and confused right now.

I also feel responsible for her, I found her and then threw her to the sharks, I am 800 miles away...should i ask her to come and visit us, and then take her back home to her adoptive mom and dad? The are very supportive of her search, and her.

In some ways i understand her, being adopted myself, but in other ways. My amom and adad are my parents. They raised me, would do anything in the world for me, my bmom and bdad are wonderful too, i love them, have a relationship with both, but a different kind. She seems to want her "real" family, a family of her "own" which i don't understand. I never went through that...sorry for the long post...just not sure what to do. Any thoughts?