[needle/haystack]

I am a birth sisiter looking for my half sister that was born and relinquished by my mother before I was born.

I am a little confused as to why a thirty-nine year old woman (that's how old my sister is now) would never search for her biological roots? Maybe if I heard a few different reasons coming from adoptees I'd have a better understanding in an adoptees perspective.
Thank you.---Cyndi.

I.S.O.
adoptee
DOB 04/01/65
Ottawa, Canada

Cyndi,

are youreally sure she is not looking she may be!!

Also, there are very many reasons why an adoptee may or may not search. She may be very content in her life and is afraid to "upset the apple cart". She may be trying to protect her parents, or is just afaraid herself. One of my biggest concerns was whether or not I had siblings...I wanted to know....I found 2 half brothers on my bmom side, but have not found my bfather yet!! So we will see!!

Good luck!

[MissyJ]

Hi Cyndi,

Please be patient!!!

There are many out there who don't know they were adopted. I only recently found out, and am 45. Some are older than me when they find out. To be honest, I don't think anyone is searching for me. Who knows? Until I receive my NID (Non-Identifying Information) I'm stuck in limbo. Hopefully it will come within the next few months.

Finding out you're adopted at a late age is a major shock to the system to say the least. All the things we thought were truths were instead, lies. Sometimes the birth date and year, or even our place of birth on our Amended Birth Certificates (ABC) was changed. IF we are able to receive any information, sometimes there are "little fibs" there too.

I would suggest that you also register with the ISRR. International Soundex Reunion Registry. http://www.isrr.com Print out the form, fill it in to the best of your knowledge and send it in. They operate on donations, so if you can, send them a little donation. None of their information ends up on the internet, it's all private.

Keep your email address current. There is nothing more frustrating than emailing someone through a link here and have it come back OR receive absolutely no response! IF you have more information, try to post an update. (But watch out for scammers! They can lead you down the merry path. Keep some of the information private! This way you can have something to verify by. Scammers are known to check out all the information and contact the person searching...since no information was kept out, there was no way to verify what they were saying or that they are the actual person being searched for! Post just enough information that will enable your sibling to make a partial match.)

If you have the ability, and can file a sibling waiver and consent for contact, (if they have them where she was adopted) do it. This way, if your sister decides to find out any information, she can have your current address and phone number.

I'm sure the Search Guru will come in and give you the best information on receiving information, as well as those searching in Canada.

Good luck in your search,
Missy

[shirleyville]

Hi, Needle!
I'm 39 (at least for a few more months ), and also an adoptee.
I thought I would reply because there are a number of things that might be happening here with your sister. First of all, why do you think she isn't looking? Is it because she isn't registered anywhere? I notice you are in Canada, and I'm in the US, so I really don't know how your registries work --- but it could be that she has registered in places that you haven't checked.....OR .......I know of MANY cases where the adoptee is searching with different information than the biological family has. Sometimes information is altered, and the adoptee searches all their lives with incorrect birthdates, or false information. One of my good friends reunited with her birthmom and she found out that they had been posting to the same registries for years , but my friend's non-id info had the wrong state and wrong birthdate on it.
Another possibility is that your sister has no idea she's adopted. It happens.......even tho it seems impossible. Back when your sister and I were born, our a-parents were given a whole different set of "thought processes" to deal with, than those of today. Many times they were told to go home and raise their child as if it were there own.....and sometimes, some a-parents took that literally.....and never revealed to their child that they were adopted.
I will also say this.....
I have a birth sister, who is only 14 months younger than I am.....and I also have two birth brothers --- both in their early 30's. None of them know that I exist.....and our mother has denied contact with me. She does NOT want her children to know about me, and can not bring herself, emotionally, to face the situation in any way, shape or form. I understand, and completely respect her wishes.....and part of that, for me , is not contacting her children. I know who they are, and I also know where they live......which, sadly, is about 10 miles from me.......but I truly don't want to go against my birthmother's request. I don't KNOW these people....I have no "shared life experience" with them, therefore, I don't feel it is fair for me to make some sort of "judgement call" in any of this. If she says they couldn't handle the information, I have to choose to respect that.
My three siblings have seven children between them -- and I want to be mindful of the fact that I could totally undo the lives of my siblings, their spouses, and their children, by "outing" myself, against our mother's wishes. Theirs has not been an easy life.....lots of discord in the home -- alcoholism, gambling addiction, poverty, and at one time, they were homeless. I don't know the emotional toll all of that has taken.....and I feel the need to be careful.
I also know some adoptees who simply aren't interested in knowing their biological heritage. Since I have never been one of them, I will let those folks share with you.....
I don't know your sister's situation.....but I thought I would offer up some scenarios for you to at least think about, in the hope that you can come to some understanding for yourself.
If I were you, I would continue to search.....I would give ANYTHING for my little sister to find me!!!
Best of luck!
Hugs,
Sally

[Noreen T]

Needle, I am also an adoptee in Ontario. I am 49 1/2 years old and just found out that I had been adopted. Your half sister may be in the same kind of situation that I was in up until a few months ago.

Have you contacted the Adoption Disclosure Registry in Toronto and got the forms to be added to the Search and Disclosure Registry?

Also remember that Ontario is still a sealed record province and I am sure you are running up against all the same road blocks that I am trying to find my real mother and any information.

I just found out today, that non identifying information is NOT a copy of the records on file with the Children's Aid Society who handled my adoption, with the identifying information blacked out, apparently, some SW will go through the microfilm records, extrapolate information and then complete what they call a "Summary" and that is what I will be sent. Processing time is 8 to 12 months because they receive 100's of requests a day apparently. I was told that is good because it used to be as long as 2 years for a request to be processed.

The Children's Aid Society is also exempt under the Freedom of Information Act.

I am so tired of seeing adoption as being the bee all and end all because some young, usually unmarried woman finds themselves pregnant. Too bad they don't take the 1.4 billion dollars they make in year and use it to keep these families together. After all the reading I have done over the last 6 months I firmly believe that adoption causes life long pain and should be the last solution, not the way it is being protrayed now.

Noreen

[needle/haystack]

I want to thank dpen6, Missy, Sally, and, Noreen for your replies.

In my search I have found only cold shoulders, by the CAS (children's Aid Society), and to those of whom I sent letters of complaint, and made phone calls to, in hopes to find some relief in my efforts. Nothing I have done has been to any avail to me.
CAS wants me to wait the entire two years before sending me my non-id I've requested. I made the request back in May 2003.

I have registered with the Ontario Adoption Disclosures in Toronto, And I've registered and searched and posted on sites like this one. I've even put an ad in the paper. I don't want to depress anyone else here but I've found that my search efforts have only made me depressed, just by seeing how some people, like those with the CAS can be so cold and unforgiving to those people that are searching for answers.

Ohhh, how I wish one of you caring ladies could be the sister I am searching for. Since I have begun my search this is the only place I have found that I feel that there are people I can relate to and can relate to me.

I grew up with two brothers, no sister. I've always longed for a sister, and when I was told that I have one it set off a light in the darkness, a warm glow that seemed to comfort me....as if it was something I always knew and I believe that is why I felt the emptiness before I found out about my sister. I always felt like a part of me was missing. I don't want to set myself up for a disappointment, maybe those are just my feelings, not hers. I don't want to put any pressure on her either...I am aware of the fact that she has a family that hopefully loves her and raised her as one of them and I pray that she is happy where ever she is...I just wish I could become a small part of her life...an extended family member.
I'm sorry for going on forever like this I just feel so happy that someone out there can understand what I'm feeling.---Cyndi.

IOS Adoptee
DOB April 01 65
Ottawa, Canada

[shirleyville]

Cyndi,
I will be your "big sister" until you find your path.....deal?
I want to share something with you, just to give you a small piece of reality.....I always wanted a sister, too, and when I found out that I actually had one "out there", who is only 14 months younger than I am, I felt this little "spark" of excitement....even tho I knew our mother didn't want contact, and that she didn't want her children to know about me, it still made me feel good, just knowing she existed. I wondered about her, and I wondered about how many times our "paths" had crossed over the years. I graduated in 1983 and she graduated from our "rival school" in 1984, so we were, quite obviously in the same place at the same time on numerous occasions...and probably still are, to be honest. We live in a small, rural area, and have been ten miles apart all our lives......
I wondered what it would have been like growing up together, so close in age.....and thought about all the things we would have shared....all the "sister" stuff.....you know what I mean!
Anyway, one day, I went to the local library, and I looked her picture up in the yearbook from her school. The moment I laid eyes on her, I felt like I was looking at this lost girl -- like someone who had been kidnapped and locked up in a well, with no way out. I didn't know why I felt like that -- it was just a look in her eyes. It haunted me.
When I had a conversation with my birth cousin about my sister, Debbie, she clued me in on what her life had been like. My sister was raised by our mother and her husband as if she were the biological daughter of our mother's husband, but indeed, she is NOT ....as a matter of fact, she might very well have the same father as I do.....but no one knows. Poor Debbie had NO IDEA that this man was not her biological father until last year, when she was 38 years old! Apparently, she attempted suicide over it.
Growing up, my sister was a bitter, angry, sad young lady.....she was in "gangs".....she was into drugs.....she was violent and carried out violence on other kids. She smoked and drank and she barely made it out of school. Apparently, she was like this from a very, very early age.
In contrast, I was the "good kid".....I never smoked or drank or did drugs....I was a straight "A", Honor Society Officer......I got a scholarship to college......I was the student body vice president.....the school mascot.....the editor of the newspaper and yearbook.....you name it, and if it was something a "good kid" did, I did it.
I am telling you all of this simply to illustrate that just because she is my sister, it doesn't mean we would get along today. I don't know how it would have been if we had been raised together.....I don't know if I would have fallen into the same kind of lifestyle that she did or not. Chances are, I might have.....but then again, I can say that if I were the same kind of person that I was, and we were raised together, she would have been someone I couldn't STAND! It would have been hard being me, and watching my sister take a totally different path.
If I am who I am because of the environment I grew up in, I can understand why my cousin says that my sister would absolutely hate me today. She said that my sister, as well as my two brothers, are bitter, angry people who feel the world owes them for all they had to endure growing up. She said they haven't known a happy, stable day in their lives........and to find out that I exist, and to find out HOW I've lived all my life.....they would be extrememly bitter and jealous. My two brothers are alcoholics (like their father), my sister is married to an abuser (like her "father", and none of them hold decent or steady jobs.
My caution is that you never know what life's circumstances do to someone......and just because you are related to them by blood -- because they are your "sibling", doesn't mean you will like that person, or vice versa.
There are gazillions of warm, happy, wonderful sibling reunions.....and I am not at all trying to discourage you.....I just want to make sure your expectations are in check. I don't want to see you build up expectations that might or might not be realistic.
I will stick with you thru out your journey, and help you with emotional support all that I can........you can count on all of us here to be with you.......so lean on us, okay???
Hugs!
Sally

[MissyJ]

Cyndi,

I'll also be your big sister.

It's too darned bad that the powers that be don't understand what they are consigning us to when they make the laws.

I'm not going to say more because of the anger I feel about the system, especially in closed or sealed cases. I just think it's a shame that they (once again, those people in power...we should vote the jerks out!) choose to ignore the basic fact that you can adopt all you want, but that does not make the child the flesh and blood of the adoptive parents.

Here's wishing and hoping and praying for all of us searching.

[needle/haystack]

It's kind of sweet, in these posts of searchers, we've "adoped each other" If you read my other posts you'll find my poem, "what a sister means to me".

I wish you could have found your "happy ending" from your biological family, but I'd be happy to be your "adopted little sister"! Why not. If we can write about our lives, and cannot control what the future brings us, then...why not write our own "happy endings".

You sound like a very wonderful person that got a raw deal in life, yet you're not bitter about that and I admire you for that.

I'll try to touch base with you as often as possible,( sometimes things get a little chaotic around here with the kids (three girls and a boy!) Thier ages range from 3 1/2 to 13.

Thinking happy thoughts---Cyndi!

[needle/haystack]

I must have been typing while you posted. Looks like I have two "big sisters". Thank you so much. We'll have to keep each other updated as time progresses, and pray that there will be good news in the future to celebrate together!---Cyndi.

[Noreen T]

Cyndi, check out Joe Soll's site at adoptioncrossroads.

He has a bunch of links to Canadian stuff, Parent Finders they have a group in Ottawa, Canadopt.

His book Adoption Healing is really good too.

Noreen

[needle/haystack]

Please tell me where I can find that book. I've been looking in the library and book stores but can't seem to find very many books on adoption, reunion,and, searches. I am not a fan on buying via internet.---Little sister Cyndi.

[dl]

I am a little confused as to why a thirty-nine year old woman (that's how old my sister is now) would never search for her biological roots?

There are many adoptees that grow up as part of a very normal, loving family. They are secure within their family. Having joined their family through adoption instead of birth made no difference to them or their family. Many do not necessarily make a decision NOT to search, it simply does not even occur to them TO search. They are simply living their life within their reality.

I recently met my biological Father and two biological half-sisters. They are nice people and I enjoyed meeting them. As both my bioHalf-sisters and myself are middle age adults, it would have been very unrealistic to think we would actually feel like sisters. The fact that one shares a biological connection does not replace the shared common experiences and the lifelong knowledge of siblings.

Dr. Phil did a show on reunions and offered the following advice:

· Think about the reasons you want to reunite with your parent, child or sibling. Remember, they have a family and so do you. You can't turn the clock back or expect to fill the role that you have not played all these years. You are adults, strangers with genetic ties, coming together to build a relationship. Be realistic about the role that you feel you can play in their life and vice versa. ·

You must go into the reunion with realistic expectancies, not fanciful hopes. If you make someone out to be perfect, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. People get hurt when they have unrealistic expectations, and those expectancies are dashed. These unrealistic expectancies can set you up for failure. It is not what happens in people's lives that upsets them, it's whether or not what what happens in their lives is what they expected that upsets them. Don't allow yourself to think that everything in your life will suddenly be resolved overnight once you reunite, or you will be let down.

· A reunion is an event, but the relationship is a process that needs time to unfold. You have to really work to build a relationship and you have to be patient. Start out with the goal of finding something that is comfortable for everybody, and don't put any pressure on yourself.

· Allow a natural evolution of things to take place. Like all relationships, expect your relationship with the person you have reunited to go up and down. Your best chance for having a good relationship long term is to take it slow and move at a measured pace. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Be patient and let it unfold naturally, so that it will be lasting. You don't want to do anything that would cause this coming together to separate you again.

[Noreen T]

Cindy I went to the Chapters store in town they did not have it either. I ended up having to get a friend of mine order it online at Joe Soll's site because I don't have a credit card.

I was able to get Chapters to order Journey for the Adopted Self and Primal Wound they did not have either of them in stock at the store either.

Another one that is only available online is Growing in the Dark by Janice M. Baer

http://www.ilibris.com/GrowingintheDark/html

it contains some really interesting factual history of how adoption evolved into the multi billion dollar industry that it is today as well as the myths on how records got sealed.

Hopefully Marilyn Churley will get some support for her Private Members Bill #14 and it will get through parliament this time and records in Ontario will get opened.

Noreen

[needle/haystack]

I guess maybe I sound as though I have unreal expectations.

I'm just sharing my "hopes" NOT "expectations" with those that are willing to do the same.

If everyone didn't have some sort of hopes for a possitive out come then nobody here would have begun a search in the first place. Some are just looking for answers to questions without a reunion, others want a full fledged relationship.

I started this thread because I have family and medical history info. that I am readily willing to share, and I can accept if that is all my sister would want from me. My curiousity comes from wondering why she would not at least wonder. On many occasions I've read stories right here on the Adoption Forums of adoptees just wanting at least some family/medical history.

I'm not looking to replace or displace my sisters afamily, quite the contrary, I pray that she is and always has been happy with her family. I'd be lying if I said I never wanted to meet her. But I will respect her wishes whatever they may be.

Everyone has thier perspectives and I wanted to share mine and hear yours. An adoptees perspective is what I wanted to hear and I thank everyone that replied to my thread.---Cyndi.