[lila55]

Hi,

I furthered my search about my birthfather after being told by a relative that I was better off not knowing him.

My instincts have always served me well, and I've kept an open mind about most that has been set before me in my life, but I was not prepared for what would be disclosed. He was indeed in trouble most of his life, but I can't even bring myself to put his deeds on paper. Just imagine the worst a man can do to another man, woman or child ( or all three) and he's done it. It was confirmed that he is still extremely dangerous and powerful at 70 years old.

It sickens me to think of him and what he has done all his life, and I thank God that he was not a part of mine.

I have closure now, but could need some support. It was a dream that crashed hard and fast..........thanks.......lila

[Hval]

It's what everyone fears, but must still be ready for...
news that you DON'T want to hear.
BAD NEWS.

If it can be said, now is a good time:

"thank you for adoption.
Thank you for giving me a better life!"

Hopefully, you can be content with closure and move back to the life that you have been living with the thought that your life is, in fact a good life, with fate dealing you better cards than your birth parent.

I know that there are many loving people here that have open ears and open arms to offer the kind of support that you might need.

For my part, suffice it to say, that my thoughts are with you!

You are not alone!

H.Val

[feelinglost]

Hi Lila,

Just wanted to offer you some support and comfort.....Know always that you are safe here to say and feel anyway you choose. This is a wonderful forum for all members of the traid. Well at least now you know?...maybe better than wondering all the time....remember anyone can have a child, it does not mean that they are a parent. It's a very good thing you were adopted!!! I know it hurts...for that I'm sorry....post anytime, talk about anything you want...we are here, listening and willing to help in anyway we can. You take care, let us know how your doing....PM me anytime.....We have somethings in common...Robin

[RiverGal]

Lila ~ I am sorry that things didn't turn out to be as you would have liked them to be. I know it must have been like a hot iron searing your soul to hear the terrible news ~ like the breath was knocked clean out of you.

As Hval said, thank goodness for adoption. Your life would have most likely been a nightmare if you had grown up with that man. It's so heartbreaking to have to find closure in such a painful manner, but at least you have the answers.

Thank goodness you had love and nurturing away from him.

I'm sooooo sorry.

~Deb

[lila55]

Thank you for being here. I've had time to let all of this sink in, today. Discovering the life-path my birthfather chose was terrible, but I am me, and his sins were never visited upon me or my family. As an adopted child, I always searched for that missing piece to fill the "mini-cavern" inside of me. In meeting my birthmother and learning of my birthfather, closure can come.

I've got adult children, 21 and 18, who will never know of him (not that they have ever been curious about my birthfamily) or what he did, if I can protect them from this knowledge.

My birthmother, though I've chosen, at this time, not to have contact with, is just an hour away (so are my half-siblings) so maybe one day things will change with her and me.

As I write, I am relieved that the search is over and the healing begins.

Luv Ya......Lila

Please write if you have a chance. I still could use lots and lots of friends who understand.

[RiverGal]

Lila ~ It sounds like your head is in a good place; with a little time, I'm sure your heart will follow.

I know, years ago, I had this wonderful vision of my birthdaughter finding me, leaping into my arms, and telling me she understood my decision to relinquish. It hasn't worked out that way ~ but as an adult, I have come to realize that life isn't always a fairy tale.

Just keep moving forward and never lose sight of the goodness that does surround you. You have friends right here who will support and encourage you through the low moments.

You are special to us!

(((HUGS)))

~Deb

[katzoo]

God bless you Lila! God doesn't make mistakes. For whatever reason he chose this man for your father, we'll never know, but know that you were wanted by God.

[skinnylou]

Dearest Lila,

I cannot even imagine your horror. Adoption is indeed a blessing for most of us.

I spent this weekend with a aquaintance who did foster to adopt. The child is a percocious, blonde haired/blued doll. She is happy and pleasant. Her story she was adopted at 18 months. She has had one major surgery to temporarily repair her shoulder that was so badly torn it was at risk for permanent deformity. A more detailed surgery is pending after 5 years of age to hopefully permanently repair the shoulder. Her birth father jerked her by her arm at 1 mos. multiple times on different occasions. The aquaintance also adopted her older brother who has learning difficulties related to oxygen deprivation.

I truly believe God provides and does try desperately to protect those with no defense.

I will keep up with this thread to watch your journey in healing.

(((((HUGS)))))

[Wind_Rider]

Hi Lila,

You seem sickened yet fufilled and relieved at now knowing.

Congratulations for getting to the point where you wanted to get to in the search. My condolences for perhaps your loss of expectations and further experience. Is the man incarcerated of walking free?

The sharing of your story helps ground my expectations about my search for my Bfather. My 1/2 Bbrother also had found his Bfather yet was rejected without a meeting. This certainly is a wheel of chance we spin when the search is started.

It is a good thing that you are safe and so is your family. If your children ask about their Bgrandfather are they really better off being sheltered from the truth? When does sheltering become lying? Would the knowledge really harm them?

Has the knowledge harmed you? Only you know the answers. If it is too much to consider right now please pardon my curiosity brought out by this situation.

Thank you again for sharing this unique situation, this story really helps round out the wealth of this site.

Respect.

[feelinglost]

hi Lila,


You seem to be doing OK.....I know it's alot to take in, understand, and accept. I'm sorry that this knowledge has caused you pain, now the healing begins. It's funny how your kids (and mine) have no questions about my bfamily, or anything else. I thinks it's apart of their lives, common, that they just accept it. You have many, many friends here are willing to help you through this difficult time. Stay in-touch

[NewlyScotGirl]

Our children help keep us grounded & busy no matter what bad news flows our way -- that's a huge help during times like these. My two, close in age to yours, were never "curious" about my searches or what I found, which was a litle dismaying at times. Many times they were puzzled by my seeking. Older son said "You are exactly the same person to us, our mom, regardless of what you'll find out about your background" and to them, life was as simple as that.

That everyday wisdom helped me at the end of my search & put the difficult stuff in perspective, yanking me back to the real world. I know it hurts. But it's not you, and never was ... he touched your life briefly and left. End of that story. End of wondering about him. Now you can direct that energy back into your own life & your own family. It felt sooo good for me to do that ... hoping you'll feel better soon, too. Take care.

[Missy M]

Hello Lila...I am a reunited B-mom who can relate to your story in another way. When I ~met~ my daughter 2 years ago I told her what I knew; that her B-dad was currently serving his 3rd prison sentence, this time due to attempted murder of a police officer. (He shot at the officer during the execution of a warrant for his drug-related activity.) I told her I knew this only because after she and I made contact I wanted to be prepared for her questions so I'd asked, called the prison chaplin explained our story and gotten his contact info. I gave her his address and inmate # and insisted that I had no desire to communicate with him. I deliberetly did not share any of the gory details of my past life with him. I knew that as an intelligent woman she would make her own determination as to whether she should allow him to be a part of her life, and I didn't want to "bad mouth" her dad and negatively influence her.
Within weeks after our first meeting, (we lived only 2 miles apart) she wrote him a letter, sent him a photo and asked to be put on his visitation list. He did. We live in Dallas, he is incarcerated 280 miles away near Houston,TX. She arranged to drive down one Sunday and I agreed to ride with her for support but only if she promised not tell him I was outside. She told him anyway...Big Red Flag.
She "met" him and they had a two hour visit. After the visit they began writing almost daily and she sent him money and childhood photo's. Unbeknownest to me she also gave him my address, phone number and several pictures of me too; one as I emerged from the hot tub scantily dressed that she surprised me by taking.
Later after several unwanted phone calls from him I learned that she was entertaining fantasy's of having the 3 of us become this magic family...despite the fact that I am happily married with 3 other now grown kids. She BTW is 31. She was giving him money weekly and details of the times we shared; and their visits had now progressed to contact visits on the picnic grounds at the prison. Still later I learned that he had an upcoming appeal hearing that could possibly reduce his sentence and with time served could bring him out within the next 9-12 months. I was mortified. She'd also complained that during recent contact visits he'd become very touchy-feely with her and he'd made inappropriate comments about her breast size and how "they" reminded him of mine...he'd also recieved a demerit for holding her (this 30 year old related stranger) on his lap during a visit; and yelling at the gaurds that she was his daughter and he'd never held her before. He made it seem so normal and he felt she "needed this fatherly contact;" her A-dad died when she was 11. He latched on to that right away.
I knew then what I needed to do; what I should have done. I had to protect my daughter.
I drug out the box that I sealed 30 years ago...in it was the photos and newspaper clippings along with the trial transcript from his first prison sentence; the one he, his best friend and brother recieved for beating, sodomizing and raping me and leaving me to die in the locked bathroom of a seedy motel while I was 7 months pregnant with her.... HIS firstborn.
I shared ALL of the details and also that his abuse (the above was the final time; not the first; there were many) was a major factor in my decision to place her. I did everything to protect her from him then and I did so now. I told her that the reason he ignored her request for info about possible 1/2 sibs from him was because his 2nd prison sentence was for molesting 2 of them.
I had to burst her bubble and end her fantasy before it became her nightmare. I wasn't too worried as long as he was caged, I felt his attitude along with his constant begging for $$ would push her away; but when the contact visits started and later the possibilty of an early parole came up I had no choice but to tell her.
He is a menance to society; he will never change, most molesters don't, but he is also a con man and he was slowly wrapping her around his finger and pulling her away from the people who cared for her just as he'd done with me when I was 16 and he was 28. He is, despite what he isn't, a very charming, likable, BUT manipulative person. He has to be in order to aquire new victims. But its a facade. It hides his true identity and nature. She has ended all contact and the prison forbids him to write or call me.
I posted to say I understand. I know how painful this revelation was for her and in that I can relate to your pain. Sorry this is so long and so personal, maybe I needed to unload.
Just know that others here share your pain and are here for you. You are not alone. Also never forget that you and he are seperate beings....He is what he is but you simply are not what he is. Feel free to pm me anytime you want to "talk" privately....Best Wishes>>>MissyM

[lila55]

Dear friends,

After the initial shock of discovering that my birthfather is a sick, evil man I learned that:
*I am me, a child of God, not the offspring of someone's
evil...

*That I was blessed not to have been a part of his life, or my
birth mother's life

*That real love is born in the heart not under the heart (mama
always told me that)

*That closure is coming rather quickly, and that what I thought was some missing piece in my life was simply curiosity. I realize that a man or woman I never knew could hold no relevance in my life, though I thank them for letting me live.

I have a wonderful husband, two loving, compassionate children who I adore (one fighting for our country), a wonderful mom, a dad I miss dearly who died two years ago, and a 2 year old "bundle of joy and mischief "grandson.

I'm on a new journey now........................Lila

Please keep in touch

[feelinglost]

Lila,

So glad to hear that you truly are doing well.....I'm glad that your closure is here and your healing has begun. You are very right on all points!!!! Your family sounds wonderful, please know your son/daughter fighting for our country is my prayers and wish for a very fast return. (lost my dad 10 years ago, the hole will never be filled). Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing on your new journey!!!!

[Missy M]

"I have a wonderful husband, two loving, compassionate children who I adore (one fighting for our country), a wonderful mom, a dad I miss dearly who died two years ago, and a 2 year old "bundle of joy and mischief "grandson."


And you deserve them all...Be Happy...MissyM