[jennycocoa]

My biggest fear with searching for my birthmom, is that i am looking for someone who doesnt want to be found. I have no idea how many birthmoms search for their children, but im afraid that my mother has no desire to find me, or even think about me from time to time. is it possible that to my b-mom, i am nothing more than a thing of the past???? im just not having any luck with my searching, and i dont know how realistic my chances of finding my b-mom are.


**Jen**

[Tenorchick]

Hi Jen,

I read your post and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I think that every adoptee who has made the decision to search has felt the same way at one point or another. When I first found out I was adopted when I was 12 years old, I know right away that I wanted to find my birthparents. I was so optimistic and thought that it would be so easy and that I would find them and we would live happily ever after. After about 2 years of looking around at different reunion sites online and learning about adoption laws, I began to realize that it was much harder than I thought. By about my junior year of high school, I had completely given up hope and thought that it was pointless, that I would never be able to find my birthparents.

Now, I have been reunited for over 1 1/2 years, and things couldn't be better. My A-parents were with me when I met my birthparents for the first time, and we all have a very close relationship now as we are getting to know each other. It's truly one big happy family! When I first met my birthmother, she told me "I knew that you would find your way back to me one day." And I did. She said that it had been the hardest thing she ever had to do, giving me away, but that she knew it was best for me (she was 15 and my father was 17). Both she and my birthfather say that there was not a day that passed that they didn't think about me and wonder where I was and what I was doing. Both of them said that they never would have initiated a search for me. They felt that since they signed the adoption papers, they felt like they didn't have any right to look for me. The didn't want to interfere in my life or make me or my A-parents feel uncomfortable, so they waited for me to come to them.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, don't give up hope. Maybe your birthparents, like mine, think that they have no right to interfere in your life, so they are hanging back, waiting for you to find them. Or maybe they are searching, and you just haven't been able to cross paths yet. You said that you wonder if your birthmother thinks about you...I have to say that I think she probably does. You were part of her for nine months and she loved you enough to carry you and give birth to you and then to let you go. I don't think that is something that she would be able to easily forget.

I'm sorry this post has gotten so long, but I'm a writer and that tends to happen. :-) I just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is perfectly natural and that all searching adoptees have felt the same way. I sure did, and it was a very lonely and scary time of my life. We are here for you, that's what this forum is for, so that we can all lend support and let each other know that we are not alone. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and pray that you find all the happiness you seek!

Lori

[jennycocoa]

what you said makes alot of sense. i never really looked at it that way before- maybe my birth mom is waiting for me to find her. thank you for your reply-- youve given me hope!!!

take care, Jen

[GailLane]

What is your information have you posted your date of birth?
Good Luck

[shirleyville]

Jen,
Lori is right....this forum is a wonderful place to be when you are in the throes of searching! You will be surrounded by a lot of support and many different resources to draw from....many different experiences to learn from.
She is also correct in saying that many times birthparents feel that they have no right to interfer in the lives of the children that they relinquish, so they don't search. Many times, too, people just plain don't know how to search effectively -- especially those from the older era who don't have computers or don't have access to the internet. As hard as it might seem to believe, there are still a lot of people out there who are technologically challenged, or are simply afraid of the computer!! I know MY mom and dad don't own a computer and are terrified of touching mine for fear they will hit a button that will somehow destroy the world! LOL I also know of instances where information at the time of adoption was altered or misrepresented.....one of my friends was searching with information provided to her in her non-identifying information provided by the state, and her birthmom was searching as well, but with the REAL information. The dates and locations were off in the state-provided information....and my friend and her mother were simply missing one another on the registries. My friend eventually hired a PI and when her birthmom was located, she had been searching all her life....she was so thankful to be found.
So as you can see, there are many reasons not to give up hope....you will never know what lies at the end of this journey until you reach it....and you will never reach it if you give up!
I will tell you that there are instances where birthmoms have no desire to be "found" and have no desire for contact -- unfortunately, that is what I experienced. But having said that, I wouldn't change a moment of my journey. The most comforting thing to me that this actually was my journey. For the first time in nearly 40 years, I had some active role in my adoption -- I had a choice....the choice to search and to reach out.
Hang in there.....make sure to use your resources here at the forum for support and to learn. Draw from other people's experiences, and make sure to keep your focus on personal growth. No matter the outcome of your search, if you look upon the journey as one of personal growth, you can't lose!
Keep us posted, okay??
Hugs,
Sally

[Fastdraw]

I understand your frustration. I too wonder the same thing about my b-mother. Everywhere I look it seems like a dead end. Keep your chin up, and hopefully things will work out for you. I wonder often if we are all meant to find out b-family. Then it scares me sometimes if I do. Still want to know. You hang in there.

[Nina Hernandez]

Yes Jen . Don't give up no matter what the out come. I adopted my daughter in 87. and i am searching for her. so dont give up. I think she would want to find you.

[GailLane]

What if? Did anybody ever read the what if book? Fear and what if would have kept me from many things in my life. I am not saying be nilly willy all over the place, but taking safe chances never hurt anyone. Call write a letter e-mail as long as it is legal and moral what the heck. Never assume your b-mom doesn't want to just meet you see you. Imagine I as a b-mom I long just to see she is healthy. My daughter born 6/20/1985 in Sewickley, PA. I called Catholic Charities once a week and also the court house in Beaver County just hoping there was a hit on her file.
Please don't dwell and let this consume your life but, never give up and live on what ifs or fear.
If you have a good heart most chances are somewhere deep with in you is a part of your b-mom and you are feeling the same way.
Just have patience and be safe.
Gail

[kersey19]

I recently reunited with my daughter in December. I did not search for her for the reasons outlined above -- I didn't want to interfere in her life unless she wanted to meet me. For 21 years I thought about her -- especially at different milestones -- birthdays, graduation, start of college. I always hoped that I would know she was healthy and was raised by a loving family.

The decision to place a child for adoption is not easy and one that comes with guilt and fear. I had always hoped that my daughter would look for me. When I received the call I was filled with fear that she might not like me, that she would be angry -- similar feelings an adoptee has going into a reunion.

The reunion experience has been amazing. It's a rollercoaster of emotions -- but I wouldn't change one moment including her birth 21 years ago.

I hope my story gives you some hope that your birthmother is interested in knowing you and your story. Good luck.

[BrandyHagz]

Jen,

Several months ago, there was a post very similar to yours. If you’d like to read some of the response there, I’ll link it here in this post.

Do birthmoms even remember you?

I’ll also repost what I said in that thread

I always hate responding to these types of posts, because I always seem to be the one to post the downside. First, It’s important to remember that every birthmothers experience is different. I am a birthmother, and I know for me it would impossible for me to forget the birth of my daughter…not only that, it would be hard for me to not think of her every day…but I don’t speak for all birthmothers.

I know first hand that there are birthmothers out there who have gone on with their lives, putting the pregnancy and adoption behind them. There are birthmothers that never feel the hurt and pain that is reflected here on the forum, so it’s up to the rejected adoptee’s to “ground” these types of threads.

There isn’t a person in the world that can tell you how your birthmother feels about your adoption, except her. Just keep your expectations in check, and you wont be disappointed when you contact her.

The forum is a great place for information, but it is not representative of the general population. Obviously, birthmothers who have no desire to search or reunite are not represented here on the forum.

I truly wish you all the luck in the world for your search, and I hope that you have a wonderful and successful reunion.

[jennycocoa]

you all make extreamly valid points-- and i appreciate every word of your messages. it is true that there are so many "what if's" in life, and only time will have the answer. If my birthmother is anything at all like me, then i strongly believe i am in her thoughts. its just hard, wondering, hoping, and wishing for something that may or may not happen. i do know that i am not going to stop my searching, because this is something that i need to do for myself.

my thoughts are constant...
i wont give up though

take care~ Jen

[kersey19]

Brandy's comments are excellent. My daughter's birthmom told me that she kept reminding my daughter that if I chose not to meet her it has nothing to do with her. That I would miss out on meeting a wonderful person.

Each birthmom's experience is different as is each adoptee's experience. Keep the faith and remember that whatever your birthmom decides will be about where she's at and not about you.

Good luck!

[blankenb4]

What is your birth date?

[jennycocoa]

10-5-85

[MuyLaBonita]

I wanted to reunite SO BAD!

When I finally found my Bmom she wasn't at all what I expected. But I do know and always will know that she thought about me every day. She says that from her experience that every Bmom thinks about the child(ren) she gave up. How could you forget, it was the biggest dicision ever made by them!

I really believe that you will find one another, whether she inniciates contact or you do! Keep your chin up!!

Good Luck!!