[Alycia Sevier-J]

well, I found him, talked to him, and he was cool and excited at first, then it hit him, that his family found him. Now he wants to hold off for a while, he said he needs time to come to grips with this, like it's a disease or something. What could I do, I told him it was cool, if he needs time to deal, there is nothing I can do but allow him that time. Now I feel rejected. I know it must be hard, but he is not the only one that has been cheated. We've both been cheated in our own way. I hope he can learn to handle this soon. I want my brother in my life. Anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? It would be greatly appreciated.

[dl]

thesearchguru posted a phrase that I find so true and inspiring:

"the burden of patience falls on the person who initiated the contact, whether that person was the birthparent or the adoptee. When you contact someone, you take them by surprise. Whether it's a positive surprise or a negative one, chances are that person will need time to adjust."

Please show your brother patience as well as yourself. Good things will come to those that wait ~ and are patient!

Best of Luck to you ~ and your brother!

[snuffie]

Aah Patience. Such a small word but such a difficult thing to have!
Your brother must be so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings right now. But if you give him some "space" and he works everything through he may be find that he wants you in his life as much as you want him.

[shirleyville]

Alycia,
It's SO hard trying to guage the reaction of those we have successfully located......you really have no idea how they will react, if at all. In my case, my birthmother desired no contact, and she never responded to my letter, or reacted to me in any way.
I think it is a postive, in your case, that your brother at least was interested in speaking with you, and that he felt comfortable enough to be honest with you.
Give him the time and the space he needs -- as hard as it may seem. If you don't, you run the risk of slamming the door shut permanently! I know it doesn't seem "fair" or "just", since you so desperately want a relationship with him, but you really have to be patient and let things evolve on their own. It's his "right" to set the pace......you've got to let him!
Best of luck! Keep us posted, okay??
Hugs,
Sally

[thesearchguru]

If after a reasonable amount of time, 6-8 weeks, you still haven't heard from him a simple Hallmark Card, i.e. "Thinking of You" is a good way to let him know that you are available when he is. I wouldn't include any other correspondence other than your signature and contact information (just in case he lost it). You don't want to put any pressure on him but you do want him to know that he is very much in your thoughts as he considers contacting you within his comfort zone.




Email:
California Website:


Other great websites to check out:
http://www.adoptionchat.com
http://www.adoptionlists.com
http://www.adoption.com
http://www.adopting.org
http://registry.adoption.com/

[boey]

Hi Alycia, I found my brother almost 4 years ago. The one thing I wish that I had have known then that I know now is PATIENCE, sorry to yell that out, but it is so important. I wasn't patient then, and was very intense. But he put up with me. We don't live closeby, and the relationship isn't as I would like. But we do have a connection, a bond and a relationship that I can live with. I love him, and he loves me, how cool is that ??????? It's been a long road, but one that I would travel again. As suggested, if you don't hear from him after a couple of months, a nice thinking of you card would just let him know that he's in your thoughts, and that you are out there for him. Good luck !!!!!!!!

[Alice53]

HI Alicia,
I have recently had a very similar experience. I found and was able to meet my brother. After several hours of conversation on the phone, I couldn't help but wonder how this felt to him. It took me 5 years to actually make contact with him. I realized that during that time period I was allowed to process the whole thing in my oun psyche. Our brothers did not have this time and may need a while. Patience is a virtue especially in a situation like ours. In my case, I was the only surviving relative that my brother now has. Just when he was feeling alone in the world - I popped into his life ! Pretty cool for us both !
God bless,
Alyce

[StevieGirl]

For many of us searchers, we have been thinking about searching for a while, doing research, reading others' stories on the net, etc. For me, it was a couple years before I actually went for it.

So that gave me a couple years to prepare.

The person you contact has had a reunion explode in their face. They did have time to prepare, to weigh things out, to think about reactions, expectations, feelings, etc.

So they need the time AFTER the initial reunion to deal with these things.

I know you're excited! You're ready for him in your life. But now you have to step back and let him get ready for you in his life.

It's so hard. When I first contact my bmom I wanted an e-mail in my box from her every time I checked my mail (which was every hour at least!) But I realized I had to learn patience, because I was driving myself insane.

If you can busy yourself with something else, do it! (Reading, a project of some sort, join a crafting class or something).

The speed in the beginning can make or break a reunion. So if you want him in your life later, you have to step out of his for now. You'll probably be going crazy, but it will be worth it. Trust us!

[Alycia Sevier-J]

thank you guys for all your support and suggestions. I am very excited that I found him and I keep myself occupied and keep this one thought in my head: I found him, whether he is ready or not, I found him and know how to get hold of him if at all necessary. I know he is ok.
That keeps me ok.

Thanks again everybody. I hope you all have as good of luck in your search as I have had in mine. I wish you all the best in your reunions.

[Seven]

I can relate to this situation and again to the other postings. I too found my birth family over three years ago. And yes as exciting and promising as it look it can have it's pit falls. When I first made contact with one of my brothers ( I have 5) birth brothers, I was so overwhelmed with the idea of finally having a family. You see I grew up in an adoptive home as an only child and lost my amom at ten and my adad at 20 so I was basically alone.

In the first contact with my brother I went through a mediator, which I recommend. This initial first contact was done by letter and faxed to the mediator's office. Within a few days of the first letter I had his phone number and address and the go ahead to proceed with contact. I will say that as elated and excited as I was, I was terrified of rejection and of course the fact that I now had to deal with the demands of being a sibling. My husband did me a favor and made the first phone call for me to ensure he was interested in making contact by phone. They spoke for about 30 minutes and then 10 minutes later my phone rang and there was the voice and the man I so desperately wanted to hear from.

At 37 and having lived my entire life alone with no family the adventure of a life time began. I will say it went very quickly, within 5 days of the intial phone call my brother who I only just learned exsisted was at my door. Fear, shock and possibly a sense of danger filled my body. I had to make the choice with out any warning as to his arrival. I will say the five days we spent together proved to me that you must in a reunion make serious and wise choices. Not always easy when your filled with the anticipation and and desire to have this piece of you that was missing within your grasp. After a few months of working through our feelings and emotions I thought we had a good start to a life long relationship. I didn't anticipate that he would have resentment and anger towards me since I was adopted and he wasn't and spent his entire childhood a ward of the province. Let me say when you finally do make contact take your time. You have spent all this time wondering and waiting and now again you must take the time necessary to establish a relationship based on mutal understanding and want. One may want it and the other may be checking it out and making serious consideration based on their own needs and desires. My brother wanted contact but if I didn't meet his standards and requirements and if I didn't give him what he called unconditional love then I was shoved out of his life... forever. Today I have no relationship with him and we don't speak and have no contact what so ever.

This broke my heart, but when the opportunity came to have reunion with another brother I took my time, and gave myself space to accept and truly analyze the situation and the monumental demands and needs of those around me including this new found brother. We spent many hours emailing and occassionally speaking over the phone and finally after 6 months I took the chance and went to see him. I have the best relationship with him and I can honestly say that I have what I so desired a brother, a friend and a part of my family.

In all of those searching and wanting and waiting I wish you the best. You had the courage and the stamina to seek them out and find them, now take that courage and give yourself the strength to be patient and wise and educated about what you truly want and need in order to make the reunion a fullfilling experience for your sibling or birth family member and most certainly yourself.