[lillyan_mcain]

No one from my birthfamily is looking for me. I think that my birth mom would have found me by now. I really want to know who she is and where I came from. I have tried everything. I dont have the money to get an attorney. I dont think she cares enough to find me. ....maybe shes dead? if so what about my birth father, brother and sisters? I know I have a brother. Does he even know about me? Do any of them think of me? I feel so lost. I love my adoptive mom but I want to know medical history, where I got my looks who I look like most all that stuff. I dont know what to do. Im about to give up.

If they dont care to find me then why should I care to find them?

[xarmyboy]

Don't give up Lilyan. I know just how you feel. I am searching for my son but every time I log onto this forum I feel that there is hope. Someday he will start looking and I will be right there for him. It just takes some people longer to start searching than others. Perhaps your bmom doesn't have access to a computer right now. I am sure she thinks of you all the time. Maybe she thinks you will hate her for giving you up so she is afraid to look for you. I know that my sons bmom is afraid that he will judge her and she won't measure up to his expectations. There are many reasons why people don't search or put off searching but I doubt that it is because she doesn't care. Stick with it. Good things are worth working for. Good luck.

[Katiebaby]

Don't loose hope sweetness! I felt very similiar to you a few short months ago. I swear I thought I'd find my bmom when I was 18. I'm now 26. Then, I thought it would NEVER happen. Hang in there. Don't give up. I even had those "is she dead" thoughts.

Where did you adoption take place?

[akm]

Lillyan - I don't think you should interpret your birth family not searching for you as a lack of caring. That may not be the case at all. People have a wide variety of reasons for searching and for not searching. My birthmom (who I searched for and found) would never have searched for me. I have never interpretted that as a lack of caring. While it isn't my place to try to explain the reasons she wouldn't have looked, I *can* tell you that it is not because she didn't care about me.

I wish you luck in your search.

ak

[Dragonfly82]

As a birth mother, I never thought I had the 'right' to search or was 'allowed' to . . . I always just hoped and prayed that my son would come find me.

Many birth mothers signed actual documents saying that they 'promised' NOT to search. I may have even signed a document like that, but don't remember.

When I finally tried to contact the adoption agency to try to find him or contact his parents, I was treated like I had lepresy and not a soul at the agency was about to help me. I was treated the same way when I called the court (where the adoption was finalized) and the lady that answered the phone told me to 'get a lawyer' in a very nasty tone (she was unaware that I was 'allowed' to have non-identifying information ~ just amazed me!) ~ I didn't give up and ended up hiring a Confidential Intermediary, BUT many women might have given up at that point.

Many women are afraid of rejection (just like some adoptees), many are afraid that their child will be angry and as I already said, many feel they just don't have the 'right' to search. Some even have husbands that forbid them to search or even speak of their child ~ sad but true. As someone else stated, there are many possible reasons that a birth mother may not search.

Hope this helped.

[feelinglost]

Lillyan,
Hi, I am also an adoptee...don't stop looking...alot of birth moms were told they can't search, or truly don't know how. We have to keep trying. Look on this site and find ways to look her up. You can do it, it may take time, but you have to keep looking. We are all here for one reason or another, not to feel like the only one, looking, searching, advice, learning everything. Keep going...your not alone and you don't "know" she's not looking do you????? Reading some post it took years, and years, some only days...don't give up hope...Dragonfly said it best...I believe bmom's could never forget but do have huge fears, just as adoptees do. Take care, l us know how everything is going.

[frogesa]

My dad gave up a girl before he married my mom and he always thought that when the girl turned 18 she could get her birth certificate just like we all can. He thought it would have him on the BC because he signed one. Little did he know it states the adopted parents on there. I told him and he was all surprised.

[katzoo]

Don't give up hope. That is all we have in life!

I know it gets really frustating. I have been searching for my niece for over 8 years. And a lot of people on this forum are in their 40's and still looking. Some may have just found out that there were adopted. There are people who have been searching 20 years.

You have to put it in God's hands and let him guide you. That's what I do and it gives me peace. I wish you luck in your search!

K

[Neysa]

Lil,

I have been searching for over 20 years. You think you feel lost, I do too. But I can't give up. I have to keep going because there is always that chance. Not to mention, the example you set for others (especially if you have children) that giving up is ok. We encourage children to never give up. Keep trying until they succeed. It is hard, but for the most part it doesn't take much effort to spend a few hours here and there to search. What do you have to loose? Nothing. What do you have to gain? Everything! Think about it.
Neysa

[shirleyville]

Just because you don't find someone from your birthfamily actively searching for you, doesn't mean that they don't want to be found by you....or that they aren't thinking of you.
Many times, as hard as it is to believe, people don't have computers or access to the internet. Some folks -- especially older ones -- aren't comfortable with the technology. Many birthmoms feel (as others have stated) that they haven't the "right" to search -- some fear they will be met with rejection. There are many, many reasons why you aren't running across one another. One of my good friends, here at the forum, found her birthmother after she hired a PI, and she discovered that her birthmom WAS out there searching, but that the information my friend had been given was altered from that of the real information. Her birthmom was searching, using the real date of birth and real location of birth, while my friend was searching with a different date and place.
I don't want to mislead you by making you think that all birthparents want to be found -- that is not the case -- but I wouldn't give up hope until you find them for yourself and hear that first hand. Making an assumption at this point could be cheating you and your birthmom/birthfamily out of many happy years together!
Hang in there!
Sally

[anita cubero]

dont loose hope, i didnt know these sites existed or else i would of started my search along time ago,any way im searching for my niece she was takened by hrs in 1980-1982 her birth name was lisa marie cubero.

[filterantrim]

Don't ever give up hope! I am a birth mom and a searching adoptee. I found 3 of my sisters. and am still searching for my 3 brothers. When my child becomes old enough I hope she will search for me. I have never and will never forget about my 1st and sometimes alot of the times people really don't know where to start or if they should. on the other side she may think you don't want to know her? keep searching!

[Juscuz]

Lilly sweetheart, I too am a bmom, and never knew these sites ever existed. It may not even be that your bmom does not care, it just seems like most of us that we were *not supposed* to search. We open Pandora's box of the unknown. It is scary, and it's exciting at the same time. The challenge - the fear of the unknown.

Hang in there, it wasn't I who looked but my bson, and he found me, thank god, because I was scared shirtless of the outcome, but fear not, for it was all for nothing.

My bson is a tremendous child whom I love dearly. I know that given the time, you too will come to find and love her as well. Hang inthere, step by step, we will conquer.

Aloha,


==================
bmom of Justin
Reunited Dec. 2003
glorious moments are thee......''

[Tenorchick]

Lillyan_Mcain--I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and pessimistic about finding your birthfamily. It wasn't so long ago that I was having these same feelings and wondering if it was ever going to happen. But it finally did and I am happier than I ever imagined I could be. And when I met my birthparents for the first time, I realized that it happened at just the right time for all of us.

But most importantly, I learned that there was not a day that went by that they didn't think about me and wonder where I was and what I was doing. And there wasn't a day that when by that they didn't love me. Neither of my birthparents searched for me. They both have said that they felt that when they put me up for adoption they gave up the right to interfere in my life. They both hoped and prayed that I would find them someday, but they decided that it wasn't fair for them to try and search for me. They didn't want to make me or my adopted parents uncomfortable, and so even though it was the hardest thing they ever had to do, they waited until I finally found them and then welcomed me into their lives with open arms. I'll never forget what my birthmother said to me the first weekend we spent together..."Girl, I always knew that you would find your way back to me." It may have taken 22 years, but I did, and she never gave up hope.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm sure that your parents have not forgotten about you, and perhaps it's not that they don't care. Remember that they probably have a lot of bottled up emotions too, and that maybe, like my birthparents, they just do not want to disrupt your life by suddenly showing up. Perhaps they are waiting for you.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Best of luck to you in your journey!

Lori

[dl]

Does the person you are searching for ~ that you have NOT FOUND yet ~ KNOW that YOU are looking for THEM?

How could they?

How can you say that you KNOW that NO ONE is looking for YOU simply because THEY haven't FOUND YOU? You honestly have no way of KNOWING whether they are looking for you or not.

In many situations the bioParent has even less information to begin a search with than the adoptee. I've read a post from a reunited bioMom and an adoptee that had both been searching for years. The bioMom had sent a notice to the adoption agency to release her information if the adoptee ever searched. The notice was never put in the file.

Please don't assume what you do not know.