[Anna Bethke]

As both an adoptee and a birthmother, I want to know what gives a birthparent the right to keep silent about having given up a child for adoption? I have been searching for my birthparents to no avail -- I would think that my birthparents would have told someone who would think to look for me.....it's not the child's fault that circumstances forced a birthparent to make the decision to give their child up. I cannot think of a single reason why birth records should be kept closed and adoptees be forced to wonder who they are and where they came from, sometimes for the rest of their lives. I applaud the birthparents who come forward and say that they made a mistake and want to meet and have their current families interact with their birthchildren they gave up. And I am appalled at the ones who are contacted by their birthchildren, and tell that child that they don't feel the same for them as they do for the families they have now. Shame on you, you should have used contraception. Stand up and face your "mistakes", and work on fixing the problem. Having sex is an adult decision, be adult now and treat your children with the respect you should have given them all along.

[BrandyHagz]

I think a lot depends on the time and place the adoption took place.

My adoptive mother gave birth to twins in 1959, and because of a nasty family argument, the whole family came to know about them.

Years later, my adoptive mom has no real desire to search, because she feels like she would intrude on their lives. I, however, have made contact with both of them, and neither knew they were adopted. In the end, no one wants anything to do with anyone…

There are far to many variables in adoption, search and reunion…

[Whats Up Doc?]

Hi Anna!
I felt compelled to write this. I know you feel "out of sorts"
I hope that in time, that you can forgive your birthmother.
She made a decision to have you adopted. I don't know why
but PLEASE give her the benefit of the doubt.
I am currently searching for my brother who was adopted before
I was born. My Mother has ALWAYS had a pain in her heart for giving him up. I am sure that your Mother in her heart of hearts
has always loved you. Please try to forgive her and then you will
start to heal your wound.
Please do not judge a man, until you have walked a mile in his
shoes.
Take care
Sincerely, Alison
e-mail allie0401@hotmail.com

[jomar4]

Hi Anna, As a birthmom searching for my two children, I do
understand what you are saying. Nothing about adoption
is easy for any side, if we listen and learn from all sides.
As wait I can help myself by learning about the many complications that arise. Many of us have been lied to so
much, with no help, just to be condemned. As I try tell my
story to others and watch them, I wonder how I can ever
begin to think mine may want to find me. How can I tell why
they were put it this situation, and to ever begin to understand
that I do love them.
jomar4

[kimmykj]

HOW COULD YOU FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T DESEARVE IT. I AM GOING TO BE 42 THIS YEAR AND NOT SO MUCH AS A LETTER. I EVEN WENT TO DCFS THEY OF COURSE WANT MONEY. MY GRANDSON HAS SPINA-BIFIDA I MAY HAVE CANCER AND STILL NOT EVEN A LETTER. AND NOW THEY WANT FORGIVENESS? THANKS KIM

[Missy M]

Originally posted by Anna Bethke
As both an adoptee and a birthmother, I want to know what gives a birthparent the right to keep silent about having given up a child for adoption? I have been searching for my birthparents to no avail -- I would think that my birthparents would have told someone who would think to look for me.....it's not the child's fault that circumstances forced a birthparent to make the decision to give their child up. I cannot think of a single reason why birth records should be kept closed and adoptees be forced to wonder who they are and where they came from, sometimes for the rest of their lives. I applaud the birthparents who come forward and say that they made a mistake and want to meet and have their current families interact with their birthchildren they gave up. And I am appalled at the ones who are contacted by their birthchildren, and tell that child that they don't feel the same for them as they do for the families they have now. Shame on you, you should have used contraception. Stand up and face your "mistakes", and work on fixing the problem. Having sex is an adult decision, be adult now and treat your children with the respect you should have given them all along.

Anna...speaking on behalf of the birthmoms who for whatever reason haven't been found; lets try and keep it in perspective. Years ago adoption was this big dark secret that was thought best hidden. Women were told to say goodbye forever and just walk away and never look back All they had was the words of adoption professionals to guide them and consequently many were terribly misled. Often times women were hidden away and forced to place in order to be allowed back into the family home. There are so many reasons why someone isn't able to be located as well as why they didn't tell. The person might have simply had no one to tell. She may be dead now. She may have been in danger when she placed. Its a mystery that we can't solve on our own.
I also have trouble with b-parents who deny contact when found, but I don't catagorize them all as one. These are very different situations. I must say that not all b-moms were teen b-moms. Adults also place and for various reasons. There were instances when contraception failed. There were instances were there was no decision made; perhaps the child was the product of rape, or incest.
I say don't bash a man until you know his story; all of his story. I can not speak for whomever you seek, but I hope you'll keep an open mind until your questions are answered. Good luck in your search...MissyM

[Jackiejdajda]

Anna Bethke wrote..I want to know what gives a birthparent the right to keep silent about having given up a child for adoption?

I understand that I am replying to a birthmother as well as an adoptee..

I have thought long and hard on this.. I have argued and discussed this particular issue many times..

I have corresponded with women who do not want their secret told..

The conclusion I keep coming to is they do not want to go into the pain.. Maybe the grief..
The people that handled adoption in the sixties and seventies knew nothing about the human condition..IMO
Some of them made sure the woman or girl did not see the baby.. Told her not to make a scene.. Told her she was guilty as charged and she had better make it right..
Some women may have internalized that.. Taken it to heart and then just stopped thinking about the baby or child..

I spent over twenty years buried in the secrecy.. I know how hard it is to come out of.. So hard to admit I was broken up about the loss of my first born.. So hard to go into the crying..

If you can't feel your own feelings (cry) then how in the heck can you understand the feelings of others?

Jackie

[Anna Bethke]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You mentioned taking a look at the situation from the birthmother's side -- as I said before I am also a birthmother. I understand what it is like to be on that end of the adoption. I see what you are saying about back in that day girls were told what to and to ignore how they felt and thought about it--I just know that I would have (and did have) the guts to ignore what "they" said. I don't see how anyone can shut off the kinds of feelings a birthmother develops for her child in utero. I know that if I had had my daughter back in the 70's like my bithmother did, and was told to keep quiet about the situation I might have done that at the time--but you can only hold your feelings at bay for so long. It's like a lake that people keep dumping trash into -- you can push it down for so long, but eventually it will come to the surface. And I am aware of some of the situation of my birthmother, she was young (still in high school) and my birthfather married someone else when he found out she was pregnant to avoid any responsibility to either of us. Granted, she probably got flack from her family as well, but you'd think that if she's strong enough to make a decision to have sex, she'd have also been strong enough to face the responsibility of the consequences. I'd also think that at least later on in life she would wonder about me and do something about it. Thanks for listening....

[RiverGal]

Sweet Anna,

There are many of us on the other side of the fence. I have tried for years to remain visible and easy to track in the hope that my bdaughter would look for me. I've read numerous posts which speak of agencys, CPS, adoption counselors, etc...I know nothing of them, as ours was a private adoption. The afamily "promised" that they would be sure to turn all information to over to my bdaughter to her at the appropriate time...instead, they changed her name, moved across the country, disappearing to God knows where. My bdaughter is now 32 years old, and may be asking the same questions you are now. I have no idea what she does, or doesn't know.

In those days, "the dark ages," the only counseling offered to us was the slamming of a door. Knowing the pain that you feel is very real to me, because your post could mirror the way she feels...and I have no way of knowing. On the other hand, maybe they kept their promise (which would be the only one) and she has not chosen to connect. Then maybe no one ever told her that her afamily is not the family she was born into. Like I said, I have made it very easy for anyone to find me.

I hope you get the answers you are seeking, and I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I wish I could say, or do something that would ease the misery, but I know that's not possible. Still, I am soooo sorry.

Debra

[Anna Bethke]

I really appreciate your reply, Debra. I wrote my first post in anger, and after I read it later I realized that I would probably get a lot of flak for some of the things I said. There are so many wonderful people on this site that are so supportive. I sure wish there was someone on this site that knows of my biological family (any of them) and let them know that I am looking. But there are so many variables.....all I know is what I know, from my "fixed" birth certificate that claims I was born in Wake Co. NC, and that my birthday is 3-21-78, and what I wrote above about my biological parents. And then I read that Catholic Charity adoptions are famous for changing the real birth information, and that birth records were sometimes changed. So I am at a standstill, I have checked well into all the NC resources offered on this website, and I have no idea where to go from here. I'm at a point in my life where all of this has welled up and I'm finally willing to face it and deal with it, and I'm seeing a psychologist to work on some of these issues. I couldn't have been placed in a better adoptive family....I love them very much. But I can't help wondering about my biological mother......and I can't help being angry at her for giving me up even though I've been through being a birthmother myself and know what one goes through. I don't know what to do.....

[Mary Anne Y]

anna you made some ggod points birthmoms should make them selfs now if a birth mom dont want anything to do with the child they gave up they should up date any med info they at least should give us that... you said you gave up a child can your child find you we should be able to now whear we came from wish everyone the best

[Mary Anne Y]

anna you made some ggod points birthmoms should make them selfs now if a birth mom dont want anything to do with the child they gave up they should up date any med info they at least should give us that... you said you gave up a child can your child find you we should be able to now whear we came from wish everyone the best

[NikkiLGA]

I am a reunited adoptee, but sadly my b-mom passed away 26 years ago. First, I want to say that I am sorry that many of you are hurting.

I do not understand where all of the anger is coming from. I was born the year Roe vs. Wade, and you know what, I was thankful that Liz ( my b-mom) chose life for me. I always wondered about her, fantisized that she was happy somewhere, married possibly with other children. I never wanted to disrupt her life. One poster said "how can I forgive someone who doesn't deserve my forgiveness." All I can tell you is that if you do not forgive, bitterness seeps up into your heart, and its a neverending cycle. Many do not know what their b-mom's went through. Why should they be condemned by their child, when society, etc., has condemned them enough? I know when I was born, my b-mom was sent across town to live with relatives. She did not have support from her intermediate family. Then, social workers and our society told her, push your pain under, forget what has happened. She grieved for me as one grieves for a deceased child. Imagine leaving the hospital with empty arms because you had no support, no other options.

I love her and thank God for her, even though she isn't here to enjoy the reunion with me. She never forgot me. I learned she did search for me, and I have been in a happy reunion with her family, my family, for 1 1/2 years now. Oh, yes,I could choose bitterness towards them, but I choose love. God brought my reunion together to restore joy. I pray He continues to do so. I pray He brings peace to each of your hearts, and gives you wisdom concerning the one who chose life for you instead of the other alternative. I just finished a really good Bible Study "Lord Heal My Hurts." by Kay Arthur. The beginning of healing is when we chose to forgive. Also, I recommend "20 CHoices Adoptees Need to Make" by Sherrie Eldridge (Eldredge).

Best wishes - NikkiLGA (my story is at adoption.com, June 17, 2003, emag, "He Did This for Us.")

[Anna Bethke]

I understand what you are saying, because I am also a birthmother. I know exactly how it feels to go home empty-handed. I also know what it feels like to carry a child for 9 months and literally watch the adoptive parents walk out of the hospital with her. I also can't wait for the day she wants to meet me and ask me why I did what I did. I will be glad to tell her, to face up to what I did and to talk about it. I will be terribly sorry if that day never comes where I can tell her about me and where she came from. So I do know what she went through, and if I got even half the strength and courage I have from her side of the family, then she should be doing her best to find me as well.

[NikkiLGA]

Anna,

I hope and pray that day comes for you because it will truly be a day of healing for you and your child.

NikkiLGA