[adoptedval]

My parents recently told me I was adopted. I'm forty years old, and never suspected this. They aren't really forthcoming with information, but I'm slowly piecing things together. Not sure where to go next.

A brief synopsis: I was born in Florida, but my apoption was finalized in NY. The adoption agency, which was located in NY, is closed and the agency who is supposed to have my records transferred them to the NYC Dept. of Family and Children's Services. I'm waiting to see if they can find them, but they didn't sound hopeful. My mother told me today that the adoption papers say my first name was MEEHAN, but something tells me that could be a last name???

I have the forms to register for Soundex and the Florida Reunion Registry but I'm a littel scared to send them. I'd rather get NON-IDENTIFYING info first.

Any suggestions? Or has anyone had success with the Dept of Family and childrens Services in NY? What about having a last name on adoption papers, isn't that unusual?

Thank you in advance.

[kdecrow]

Hi Val~
I'm so sorry you learned at such a late age that you are adopted. Kinda blows your world apart, doesn't it?

Take some time for yourself. Do some reading. Here is a link that may be helpful. God Bless you.

Late Discovery - Home

[bakerjw]

Wow. I hate to hear of adopted parents doing this to their kids. Like Kde said, take as much time as you need to work through what you are feeling.

Since the state of New York was involved in your adoption, they should be able to provide you with your non identifying information. I was adopted in Illinois and the non identifying information from the adoption agency came from their records and the state had a different set of records. So I believe that the state should have some records. If they do not then you may have a shot at a court petition.

A lot of us adoptees have known about our adoption all of our lives and have come to some conclusion as to whether or not we want to search for our birth parents. It has taken time for some of us to make that decision as it is not one to be taken lightly so I can understand your fear of signing up for a registry in case someone is looking for you. On the flip side a lot of times people search and wait not knowing if their birth mother or birth child is still alive and that they are healthy and happy. Signing up for a registry at least gives them the opportunity to at least know that much.

Again I am sorry that you found out late in life.

Do your parents have your adoption papers? As for not being forthcoming with information, the cat is out of the bag. they should come clean on everything that they know or papers that they kept.

There are a lot of good people here with good advice. Ask away.
Best wishes.

[Dickons]

Wow, I just cannot imagine the emotions that must happening to you right now. Feel free to vent or ask any questions of us that you feel - none of them are wrong.

Sealed records are your new reality and you will find many of us who strongly disagree that as an adult those records are kept from us. First off if the state is not hopeful then they are hoping that will make you go away. They have them and have been mandated to ensure there safe keeping. If they cannot find your non-id then I agree you have a chance to get a court to open the sealed file.

I do not know what you are feeling about your parents keeping this secret but at the time of your adoption many parents were counseled to keep it a secret, never tell...and over the years it becomes harder and harder to tell that secret. Just know that at the time of your adoption the understanding of the ramifications to the child were not known and your parents are not unique in choosing not to tell you.

You also now need to tell your doctor(s) that you are adopted and any history they have used is useless. If a doctor thinks xyz runs in your family and you actually have abc running in your family you are at risk for mis-diagnosis.

Keep in touch.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[adoptedval]

Thanks, all, for your messages and kind words. You bring up some good points, I appreciate it.

Val

[sum1son]

How are things going, Val? If you're ready and willing to tell...

[adoptedval]

Hi - Thanks for asking. I kept meaning to post an update here. It's been quite a whirwind! It turns out it was much easier to get my identifying information than my non-identifying.

The adoption agency and the city of NY lost all of my papers, there was no trace of me!

From the information my parents gave me, I found a wonderful Florida search angel and she was able to locate my birth mother very easily. My sister called her that night and she told my sis that she had been searching for me for many, many years and had left letters with the adoption agency several times. A week later we "re-found" each other through ISRR - the search and reunion registry. She registered in 1992, I believe. She is very nice woman and has been more than I can ever ask for.

I have such strong feelings about the adoption laws in this country. It makes me physically ill to think someone destroyed all records related to me, and even more so that no one cared or could be held accountable for their actions. I was lucky and found everything I was looking for (and then some!) My heart aches for those who are still searching.

My life has changed so much in five months, sometimes I still can't believe it, but I am ok and really at peace with the whole situation. I hope I can do some good with everything I've learned, not sure how yet, but I'm working on it!

Thanks for reading!

Val

[Dickons]

Val,

Good to hear that a) you are doing okay, you must have a very strong inner core, and b) you have been successful!

Adoptees and their records is something that needs fixing and changing the laws surrounding closed records for life would force the adoption agencies to actually take care of our records. It is shameful how many adoptees find out all their info was simply trash to the agency.

Just by vocally supporting open record laws and telling others about your experience is a start in helping all adoptees of the future.

Good luck and hope to see you post often.

Kind regards,
Dickons