[D28Bob]

Although my adoptive parents were always open about the fact my sister and I were adopted, it was a subject seldom discussed (and they knew nothing about my origin anyway.) But the feeling I always got from society was that searching was taboo - it was something only crazy, sick people would do. It made it emotionally VERY difficult to even mail the papers to the court.

Since I got seriously into my search, I am finding that many people still feel this way. Most are just amazed at the barriers in our way, but can't understand why we would want to know. This ignorance and misunderstanding is a prime reason why it is so hard to get legislation opening records - the belief that women who have children out of marriage are sluts and want to hide it, I guess. Any ideas how we can reverse this?

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by D28Bob

Since I got seriously into my search, I am finding that many people still feel this way. Most are just amazed at the barriers in our way, but can't understand why we would want to know. This ignorance and misunderstanding is a prime reason why it is so hard to get legislation opening records - the belief that women who have children out of marriage are sluts and want to hide it, I guess. Any ideas how we can reverse this?

It IS ignorance and misunderstanding, and unfortunately some of that ignorance and misunderstanding even divides members of the adoption Triad.

Some think only "angry, crazy adoptees", or those who were abused want to search.

Some think the ones who DONT search are "angry, crazy adoptees". It's a personal choice, and I feel, a RIGHT for us to know where we came from.

This is my answer to the misunderstood, when they say things like, "Oh, my...how do your paents feel about this?"

I tell them "for me to NOT want to know where I came from and NOt want to know my natural family goes against EVERYTHING my adoptive family taught and feel about love."

The one barrier (and very POWERFUL lobbying group) that baffles me is the pro-life movement. They detest open records for adoptees and strongly fight any legislation to open records. Their myths have been debunked time after time, (here's an article, there are so many out there)
National study backs open adoption records

Unfortunately, money talks...I just write congress, or whomever else will listen.

Good luck with your search. Ive learned to be very selective with whom I share this journey...they most likely will not get it.

[stinky_kitty]

I have come to look at it as one of those things that some people just "don't get" no matter what. I don't think that some people can wrap their heads around what it is like to be adopted.

[smcd_fmr_attorney]

I'm not adopted and I COMPLETELY understand why you'd want to search. I would if I were in your position. I'd have questions and I'd want to see if people looked like me, etc. Maybe I understand because my mother is adopted? Still I can't imagine passing judgment on someone when you have no clue what its like to be in their situation!

Best of luck in your search!!

[wishfulthinker]

I do not share the fact that I'm adopted and searching for my birthparents with anyone except my husband and children. The reason I don't tell people about this is because first of all, it's a personal thing and I do tend to be a somewhat private person by nature. Another reason is that I guess part of me is afraid that people will react as if this is some highly contraversial thing I'm doing - something "Jerry Springer" like & they may look down on me. That whole situation would be upsetting so I simply avoid it by not sharing my story with others.

I did however tell my closest friend recently and she was shocked that I'm not able to simply request my birthparents' names and get them. She couldn't believe that adult adoptees have to jump through so many hoops attempting to get the names of our parents. She is not a part of the adoption triangle and yet she said that if she was adopted she would want to know who her parents are too. She was very understanding & I was comforted by that. She does have a heart of gold and is also a very smart woman (this is why she is my closest friend). So I'm thinking that the response received highly depends on the person.

Maybe in time, depending on how this long-winded search of mine pans out, I may choose to tell others. I think it would be a good think to "break the silence" of adoption and the unfairness of sealed records for adult adoptees. For now, it's nice to be able to share in these forums with people who are far more understanding than the general public.

[dpen6]

I was talking to a coworker yesterday morning about this subject. I could tell that she was trying to get it but was having trouble. She said she could not underestand why they just didn't give us the records without the names being there. My comment was I felt we deerserved to know our name at birth, that we should have completly open records and that when others names are sealed, like hers(she is very proud of her maiden name, very much into heritage) then I will concede mine being sealed. She said ...."I guess when you put it like that I see it differntly". I told her how when my brother when in front of the judge and got his orginal name how the judge threatened to throw him in jail if he made any contact....ummm..just because he was BORN he was treated as a criminal! How my sister stood in front of the judge and was made to feel like she was doing something wrong because she wanted HER information, HER name, HER BC. How I felt I needed to beg the judge to get my informantion, even though she was very good about it I still felt like "please sir can you spare me a dime" kind of feeling I as I stoold in front of this women who decided that there was nothing there to hurt me....(I was almost thirty, can I figure that out for myself).

It is very much ingrained in our society that everyone else knows what is best for us because we don't have the ability to know....it goes from out aparents(even the best ones), to our bparents, friends , family and general society.

I do see it slowly changing...peole are starting to see the implications of shutting keeping someones idenity from them with the false thought that it is protecting others.but it is very slow.

[bothsides]

I don't even like talking about this with anyone. I get so frustrated. It just amazes me that people are so blind to this and cannot wrap their heads around how wrong it is to have the most basic of information kept from people. I love that even with all of the studies that show 90+% of birthmothers want to be contacted even if they don't search themselves we still shouldn't have access to info. Anyway, just wanted to share my frustration too...

[Longtimewaiting]

As a bmom I would love to see that all adoptees be given their birth names. Until some very public official or someone that is "important" comes forward and makes this their cause, and campaigns to hell and back, there will be no change.

[sborgstrom]

I am finding that many people still feel this way. Most are just amazed at the barriers in our way, but can't understand why we would want to know. This ignorance and misunderstanding is a prime reason why it is so hard to get legislation opening records - the belief that women who have children out of marriage are sluts and want to hide it, I guess. Any ideas how we can reverse this?


I read this post and I will say that I am a search angel and was not adopted...I do however understand the need to want to know why as well as for medical history...

[Ravencadwell]

Nobody can understand what it's like to be adopted unless they are. For me I feel that I have to search. I've been angry and depressed for over 20 years and no amount of therapy is gonna help that. I think I need to find the answers in my past, and fill in the holes as it were. I need the complete picture.
What makes me angry now are the people who know nothing about adoption who think they have my "best interests" in mind when they tell me that I shouldn't be allowed to search or to have the answers. The agencies charge you exorbitant fees and try to justify it by saying that it takes time and $. Well I doubt that anybody doing the searching is getting $100 an hour, so somebody is making $$ off that. Also I feel that it's a deterent to searching. Not to mention that all the info they give you is "what is in the best intrest of the adoptee and everyone involved", so you have no guarentee of getting anything. And how do you know that what you got was even true? How do you know the agency is covering something up? I feel that the whole process is an insult to my intelligence and disrespectfull of adult adoptees in general.

[safety]

Originally Posted by Ravencadwell

Nobody can understand what it's like to be adopted unless they are. For me I feel that I have to search. I've been angry and depressed for over 20 years and no amount of therapy is gonna help that. I think I need to find the answers in my past, and fill in the holes as it were. I need the complete picture.
What makes me angry now are the people who know nothing about adoption who think they have my "best interests" in mind when they tell me that I shouldn't be allowed to search or to have the answers. The agencies charge you exorbitant fees and try to justify it by saying that it takes time and $. Well I doubt that anybody doing the searching is getting $100 an hour, so somebody is making $$ off that. Also I feel that it's a deterent to searching. Not to mention that all the info they give you is "what is in the best intrest of the adoptee and everyone involved", so you have no guarentee of getting anything. And how do you know that what you got was even true? How do you know the agency is covering something up? I feel that the whole process is an insult to my intelligence and disrespectfull of adult adoptees in general.

Holy cow, I contacted the agency wehere I was adopted through and they wanted $150/hr to do a search!!! I told them I don't think so scooter!

[NateMassachusetts]

My adoptive parents always get this reluctant tone when I bring the subject up. I think they have this deep seated, and illogical fear that I want to go back to my birthparents, which would never happen.

So I do know that feeling.

[JPDakota]

I get people who think I'm crazy and uncaring and all kinds of things because I don't have any interest in searching. What I don't get is why people feel like they have to express their opinion about it if they aren't involved. And no offense to anyone here, but "I'm not an adoptee, but if I were....."? That kind of sentiment totally does not get it done. It doesn't offend me, but it sure is annoying sometimes.

[Lynard1210]

Hi Bob . . it's your My Space friend replying here . . .i really think there is a conspiracy in the non-adoptee world . . . they are out to get us! No, seriosly. I think the problem is a total non-understanding of what it feels like to have no roots - to have no knowledge. They cannot fathom it and if they are empathetic enough to slip into our shoes, they still listen to what they see and hear in the media . . the way things are slanted, sensationalized . . instead of looking at this as a civil and human rights issue.

Nobody questioned Alex Haley's right to search . . .(or did they?) He is my hero . . Roots was one of my favorite show growing up and it gave the general public an awareness of how geneology is a desire on every human being's part - not just those people who did not make the choice to be separated from their roots.

If a non-adoptee could live in our world for a week, they would get it. Really, that is what it would take.

[Lynard1210]

Originally Posted by Ravencadwell

The agencies charge you exorbitant fees and try to justify it by saying that it takes time and $. Well I doubt that anybody doing the searching is getting $100 an hour, so somebody is making $$ off that. Also I feel that it's a deterent to searching. Not to mention that all the info they give you is "what is in the best intrest of the adoptee and everyone involved", so you have no guarentee of getting anything. And how do you know that what you got was even true? How do you know the agency is covering something up? I feel that the whole process is an insult to my intelligence and disrespectfull of adult adoptees in general.

Hi Raven and all other adoptees on this board. Having to pay my agency $500.00 was a deterrant for many years. I was angry and determined to do it on my own. I petitioned the court and was denied. I searched on my own for years. But when I reached a dead-end in my search, I decided that I had to play the game to get what i wanted. The game included paying that outrageous fee, going along with the ridiculous rules about what I can and cannot know (i was lucky i had a great social worker), trying to distract myself while i waited for news (and realizing and accepting that this was out of my hands now!). It had a pretty good ending in that my birthmother granted her permission for an exchange of information and later even signed the paperwork for me to get my original birth certificate. It resulted in a reunion, but I have to say that Maury and Oprah just don't get it in that at least for me, the reunion was not the ultimate goal . . .it was having my information. I was actually forced into a reunion in order to get it, but again, i had to play the game to get what i wanted. It sound callous, but that is how i look at it. I'm somewhat dissapointed with the reunion end of it, but I can't be happier knowing the narrative of my life. It has helped me to move on from standing in one spot and focusing on the here and now instead of always wondering about the past.