[ka3003]

My husband was adopted when he was born and knows nothing of his birth parents. I often think - because of the way he behaves - that he feels angry for being rejected. I want to find his birth parents but he believes it's pointless. I think he fears rejection. Should I try to do this on my own so he doesn't know? What if i do find the birth parents and they want nothing to do with him? Would it be possible? Where do i start?

[paigeturner]

I would not go behind his back to try to find his history. Instead, why don't you spend some time on these forums reading about other journeys. There are many spouses of adoptees that participate here that may help you find perspective.

I also believe that it is a mistake to embark upon a search with any expectations either positive or negative. As an adoptee, your husband deserves to know his biological, geneological and medical history if he wishes to have it, apart from a relationship with his biological parents.

Good luck and welcome to the boards!

[ka3003]

Thank you for your reply. What other options are there? Should I post a message with his birthday and birthplace here?

[paigeturner]

Sure you can. You can go to the search and reunion boards and post on his birth year, birth state and adoption agency.

But, why not let him know you're doing it?

[ka3003]

I think he is worried about rejection. I so want to help him though.

[lisa138]

i would star by letting him know that you are not doing this to hurt him,do you have kids?or want kids? he needs to know. was he adopted private or through dhs,that's where you start.

[ka3003]

I don't know he doesn't want to talk about it, he shuts it all out. He is 43, I am worried time maybe running out, his birth parents could be in their 60's. We don't have kids together but he does have a son from his previous marriage.

[bakerjw]

Your heart is in the right place and that is admirable. As a 44 year old adoptee who decided on his own to start looking for his birth mother, I will add my 2 cents and that is to not get too involved.

It is such a personal issue and men seem to be a little more angry about everything that has occured. If your help can bring him to the point where he interested in finding his bmom, then that may be a good thing. If not, do not meddle in it.

My wife meddled in my adoption a bit and it hurt our relationship in a major way. Again. Just the opinion of a guy like your husband.

[dpen6]

I come from a family of 4 adopted kids. Alll but one has at least gotten a name. The one that didn't is my younger brother. He has no interst in finding his biofamily and does harbor some anger. I have briefly talked to him about it and he shuts down. His wife has talked to him about it and he shuts down. He has made only a few pointed comments about his biofamily that reek of pain and hurt. Don't tell him I said that because hewould deny it!!!! I talked to his wife about it and she was fearful of "opening up a can of worms" meaning him having to deal with his deep feelings without him having any control over it. It could get scary and dangerous to him if he is not ready.

I would not push it with your husband....if he is ever ready he will let you know.

[ka3003]

Thank you so much for your input. Still, I don't understand why men struggle so much with this issue? Isn't it possible that his parents were just far too young to handle parenthood? They wanted the best for their kid so they opted for adoption. Maybe my husband wants to think the same but underneath he is worried that it is something else (i.e. he is the result of a rape) and that would be a lot worse? The reason I want to help my husband is because he has a lot of anger and I think it comes from being rejected by his birth parents. Of course I mean to do good, last thing I want is to anger him even more. Wouldn't you ever regret not finding out where you came from?

[wishfulthinker]

Being adopted is a very personal thing. It is subjective - everyone handles it in their own way. Searching is an extremely personal decision. There are a lot of adoptees who do not want to search and this should be respected. I believe that it is very wrong to search for an adoptee's family behind their back, even if your heart is in the right place.

Your husband is an adult and needs to make his own decisions. As his wife you should stand by him and respect his decisions, even if you don't agree. You should never go behind his back and meddle in his birth family history. I know that if my husband were to do that to me I would be extremely distraught. The breach of trust would be something that would likely destroy our relationship.

[billnchrismooney]

i am trying tofind my brother and i think your husband should know that your doing this and he shouldnt worry about rejection either because just like me they may be looking for him to.i have been looking for my brother for about 10 yrs and still havent found him because i have no last name all i know he was suppose to have been adopted in ca in el centro and the guy who adopted him was either a parole officer or a detective so tell him not to give up if this is really what he wants

[Drywall]

ka3003...your note says your husband was adopted. The best place to start is the court where the adoption was finalized. Some one in that court records system will tell you what the requirements are to gain adoption information. If the records are sealed, you may only be able to get non-identifying info.

I wish you the best.

[never_good_enough]

ka3003,

For many of us men our adoption info is all that we have privately left. Having a wife, Amother, g/f do anything with it is "another woman messing up our life". It's the absolutely worst idea to go where you are not wanted right now. I speak from experience.

[BethVA62]

I'd avoid the angry man cave completely.

With my husband I drop off treats and leave things for him to look at and read at the entrance of his cave, and then run like hell and hide.

Sometimes the books and articles come flying out of the cave in shreds with a deafening roar.

Sometimes they get hung on the wall.

It's very dangerous in many ways!
Never ever go in there unless you are invited!

And if he does give you the chance to enter, just listen and watch and observe all the stuff hanging on the wall, so you can know and understand him even more.

good luck
be brave