[heidibay66]

Hey, if an adoptee cries alone, does it make a sound if no one is there to hear it? Kind of the old, if a tree falls in the forest, kind of thing. If you are an adoptee and you do cry, post here...we are in this together and I don't want your cries to go unheard.. Waiting patiently with my coffee until someone hears me...

[EZ2Luv]

Most adoptees have conditioned themselves not to cry. I know for me it was like why even bother to cry, it don't make a difference. The first 3 months of my life was spent in an orphanage where I was never hugged or held, not even to be fed. It was all bottle propping and an occasional diaper change. Even if I did cry no one would have been there to comfort me.

EZ

[heidibay66]

I was in a foster home for the first few months, atleast that is what I was told..I was also fed stool softner my whole life. I am sure you asking what this has to do with anything..well, I was told "that because I was not able to bond to anyone the first few months of my life, that I developed psychological constipation.." so my adoptive mother would shove stool softners down my throat..Maybe I am still crying because I didn't like that?? Who knows..
We all hear so many stories here..
You are not alone..Do not condition yourself to not cry. There are steps to a grieving process and whether we want to believe it or not, we are grieving something that we lost..
Everytime I cry, I hear myself saying, "why not me?" Why isn't anyone looking for me? All these people on here, hundreds of thousands, and none for me..I have never had anything hurt me so deep in my soul.
Go ahead and cry, you have a right, you also have a right to ask, "why not you?".
I started this thread to let you know that I understand and I hear you whether I am standing in the exact same forest or not..You are not alone..Take a few minutes everytime you search to cry..atleast you are here and atleast you know whatever you know..there are those of us who were never told and to me that is not better..We need to know. I met people who didn't find out until they were older, way older, how that must feel to be at a point in your life when there may be no help to searching..and to find out you are not who you thought. Atleast you know..So cry, then take a deep breath and be thankful.

[ReOcB42008]

Yes - someone hears- even if it is only ourselves! g~! I too have problems with all emotions - maybe it is from being given away - maybe from being raised by a cold, manipulative adoptive "family". I don't know. All I know is the only people I have ever been able to be completely open and loving with - truly myself -were the day care children I taught and the kids of my friends. Around adults I always feel fake (read "Am I Happy?" in the adoption poems section here that I wrote under my birthname). Thank you for reaching out, Heidi AND EZ - it DOES help to know others are going through some of the same stuff that I am! Hugs - MJM (birthname)/ReOcB42008

[locoMoto]

I stopped crying by the time I was ten. Some things are just too deep.

[heidibay66]

I don't know that we ever stop crying. Maybe the reason that we cry about other things so easily, if we do, is because we are so-o-o-o on the verge of crying about being adopted the we let it out and pretend it is for something else. I have noticed that since I started my search I have a lot of ups and downs. I actually thought it was hormonal, but maybe it isn't. Maybe it is just my sad heart waiting for the tears of joy when I meet my original family. Maybe it is the tears I want to let out for my search but the strength I thought I had is just crumbling down and the tidal wave is coming. I don't know.
I tell people that I am really ok with being adopted, but I am beginning to think that I have gotten really good at lieing.
We are not alone, we are here together. If families can not be healed by being found, then we will find a new family and fill it with all the people effected by adoption. thank you all for being my family.

[sweetpea012607]

I found out I was adopted at age 8 and almost literally haven't stopped crying since. I cry for the loneliness I feel inside, I cry because I don't know him, I cry because my Daddy is not my father. How can I stop crying? Two words: I can't

[heidibay66]

oh, sweetpea.. we all cry with you..don't ever feel that you are not loved..being adopted has nothing to do with whether you were loved or not. Being adopted simple means that you have two families..The ones who raised you and us, the other adoptees and birth mothers here with you..We all feel what you are feeling..That is why we are here. We all want to fill a gap that seems to be missing. So until you find your family or until you are ready to not cry, our shoulders are right here..

[sweetpea012607]

I got an email from my birth mom yesterday and I haven't stopped crying since. I haven't even left the house....
Does she not love me as much as she loves her other daughter (my older sister)??

[heidibay66]

What did the email say?

[sweetpea012607]

ever since I met my birth mom and we've gotten to know each other better she said she would be there for me and that she loves me the same as she loves my sister. I asked her that if I ever invited her to something of mine if she would come. She said she would never miss it for the world and that nothing could keep her away.
I have a Christmas play Sunday night and I invited her to come over a month ago. I get the email yesterday that she isn't going to come because her family has made plans for that night. But aren't I part of her family, aren't I her daughter?? She promised... does promises not matter to anyone anymore???
I'm so very sad. I just wanted her to be there to support me... for the first time in my life she could be there for me but she's not going to. How do you think that makes me feel? How do you think that makes her look? It looks to me like she could really care less.

[ReOcB42008]

Sweetpea - Have you met your bmom face to face yet? Also - why not videotape the concert Sunday night so she can see it and then make arrangements to see it together afterwards? Good luck Sunday night anyway! We're rooting for you, hon! Hugs - MJ (ReOcB42008)

[winter444]

Ever since I received a photo of my bmom at the age she had me I have cried every single day, I just break down wherever I am, there's a hole inside of me and I don't know if it will ever go away.

I love my amom so much, she's the best but there's a huge loss that I feel.
I am actually so over crying I just do it!!! Let it all out and go on with the day til the next time. It all hurts so very much.

I cry over not knowing who my father is, will my other siblings ever know about me....

[heidibay66]

Holidays are hard for anyone in the adoption triad. Sweetpea, maybe she does have plans and I know it hurts. Maybe she is torn because she wants to be there for you but things are conflicting. I know it is hard for me when one of my kids has a thing and the other one has a thing at the same time. With all of the holiday tasks it is hard for anyone to make the decision.
When I read you post I kept thinking about one of my girls( I have 5 but the twins are hard)she keeps telling me that i go to her sisters stuff more than I go to hers and that her sister never gets in trouble and I must hate her because I seem to favor the other one. I can tell her it is not true a million times over and she still doesn't believe me. Maybe since you are just starting the relationship it is just hard for you to understand the original families dynamics. maybe she has other parts of the family that are pushing her to be with them or making her feel guilty. I have told my girls that I do the best I can and that I don't mean to favor one over the other and it is my responsibility to damage them as little as possible and kick them out of the nest. Maybe with pressures from others she chose to go to the other thing because she thought it would cause less damage. I think you should tell her that you are hurt but that you understand and would she like a video tape(very good idea by the way) maybe when she sees it she will realize how much she wanted to be there for you and how much she has missed already. I know we would love to see it if you can load it up online. Mydeo.com is free and they give you a link or you can run it on a site of your own. I would load it up for you on one of our other sites, it is called image2reel.com . We use mydeo and they are on the site in their own viewers. I can give you a page there to show her the video. I would do that for any of you, I was thinking of shutting down the business but I would be happy to use to help all of you communicate.
anyway, sweetpea, we are your family too and if we could come to your play we would, but we would love to see a video.

[sweetpea012607]

MJ (ReOcB42008)


The play last night was video-taped and I'm trying to get a copy of it. I want to surprise her after Christmas by staying the night with her and my sister.

I met them all face to face July 5th of this year, I just thought that she could be there for the one thing that is important to me. You know?