[Longtimewaiting]

Adoptees and Bparents both desperately need help. As a bmother I know that I want to find my daughter. Unfortunately Im living in a dream world, I want to believe that all will go well and she will want contact, and we will live happily after.

This website has opened my eyes. 1) I now am trying to face reality in that there is a 50% chance that she will not want any contact with me at all. 2) I have waited 32 years, I have waited patiently, I want contact with her. I did not want the adoption. I was forced into it, I was deceived, I was lied to by the adoption agency. I was not given all the info that was needed to make the right decision for both of us. 3) I am not alone, other bmoms have had similar experiences. 4) I am emotionally drained from the feeling that I have been punished for the past 32 years because I had a child at the age of 18 and was unwed. I still dont feel comfortable talking to anyone about her, this is the only place that I can vent, cry, and regroup my feelings and emotions. And I do thank all of you for it.

[doinit4me]

I so heartedly agree with all of you! I am an adoptee from MN through LSS. I can't tell you how many times in my life I have wanted to do "the search" but at the time it was so very expensive and there are no guarantees that they will be able to find anyone. It's just so frustrating when you know that someone has a file on you and all they have to do is pull it, look to see what information may be in it, make a copy and send it to you.
Recently I sent in two requests to MN Dept of Vital Statistics. One was for a certified copy of my birth certificate. (I misplaced mine years ago.) The other was for a search for an affidavit of disclosure/non-disclosure. I received the birth certificate back. I didn't expect to get the name of my birth parents but what I got back floored me! It was a piece of letterhead with only the information that I had sent to them. No time of birth, no weight, no length, not even my race! Anyone could request this (if they had someone to notarize it) and pretend they were me! (And we wonder how illegal aliens can get fake documents!) I guess the main reason that I got so upset is that it didn't look at all like the copy that I'd received long ago from my family! As far as the affidavit info, I'm still waiting on that. Everyday when I go to the mailbox I feel sick to my stomach. Will it be there? Was it signed or not? Will I still have to go through LSS?
Then there is the adoption agency. They sound very nice when you are on the phone with them. And I realize that the people on the phone didn't make policy but how can you charge someone $125 for non-identifying background information regardless of what was put in the file? Not to mention another $60 for any non-identifying medical info. All they have to do is pull the file and make copies of whatever they have and mail it to you. It's not like they are doing a search for the bparent(s) to get the information. Then they charge you an additional $625 to do a search. (They also include counciling but I live in IL not MN.) Like everyone has stated...we are at the mercy of those who have the information. They have the power, not us. When I wrote on another thread about this someone stated that it was like being in the witness protection plan. I agree except we have no prior knowledge of who we used to be.
There are just so many road blocks. In my case, my amother (father passed 2 yrs ago...he was the only one who supported my feelings) is totally against the idea. She feels that I am "hurting her feelings" if I search. So not the issue. I have waited 40 years to search. (Partially out of fear, partially because of the cost and partially out of the desire not to hurt her feelings...that is another story all on it's own.) Financially, it is a drain...a 14 yr old in braces and high school, an 11 yr old on basketball team in a catholic school and a 2 yr old. My father & father-in-law passed away 2 weeks apart from each other leaving mother & mil in positions where they needed financial help, ailing great aunt...the list goes on and on. Emotional issues. These vary day to day. One day I am ready, the next I am scared as hell. Everyone who knows me think I won't be able to handle it if I find out it's too late or if they want nothing to do with me. I'm not so sure. I know it will hurt but I still think it's a chance I have to take. Support...I have some but not enough. My best friend is also adopted. That was actually what started our friendship. In 7th grade, a "friend" of ours called me illigitimate and this girl came to my rescue. She was also adopted. We've been best friends ever since. She, unlike me, doesn't really have that "need" to find out. My adopted sister is like me. Sometimes the need to find out is there, sometimes not. Right now she is in the "needing to know" phase so that helps but she works so much that we aren't able to talk like I'd like to. My husband tries to be there but he really doesn't understand. He errs on the side of caution. He plays devils advocate with me and it irriates me to no end. Believe me he has made some comments that have had me yelling at him. It's just not a subject that we can talk about. How do you explain to someone why you should have the right to information?
I cried when I got my "birth certificate" and told him it made me feel like an un-person. Even a cabbage patch doll's birth certificate has more information on it! Why can't people realize that this isn't just a "whim"? It's something that we think about alot even though we don't talk about it alot. The decision to locate your biological family is not something that you decide to do willy nilly. It's a scary, frightening, emotional thing that for some takes many, many years to decide to do. Then when you do "finally" make that decision, it can take years to find even a scrap to give you hope. Men and women in congress are making decisions that affect millions of people without taking into consideration all parties involved. I can see not allowing people under a certain age, access to the information. But after a certain age, you should be able to get information on yourself. They can't say that it is a no-no to be entitled to information that, if you were born after 1977, would be entitled to today. What makes births before 1977 so much more secretive than now? What gives them the right to say "now it's ok to give the information out but it's not ok back then"? Why is it, if we petition the court to unseal our records, that we have to hope and pray for a sympathetic judge? What makes one case more "special" than another? If it's ok in one instance, it should be ok in all instances.
Anyway, this has become much longer than I initially wanted it to be. I'm sorry for the book. Guess I've just had a lot to say for so long and no one to really talk to about it. (Believe me when I say there is much more!) Anyway, if there is anything that I can do to help the cause, let me know. I am a stay at home mom (with a 2yr old) so I have some time. Good luck to all!
Sincerely,
Lori

[ocracoke]

Originally Posted by briteyez45

HI I think you all have started something that we need to seriously work on getting these records opened up . If the other party doesn't want anything to do with them that's fine . But at least give everyone the chose to find out where they came from, who they are, and if there are any serious medical problems that might need to be known. BTW Im from Indiana was born May 26, 1962 @ St. Marys Hospital in Evansville. and Indiana is just as bad as not giving any information The only information that Im getting is very little and that is from here on the Internet. MY question is my birth mother might not even have a computer if by chance she did want to find me so if they don't open these records some of us may never know our parents
BTW it seems that my records somehow was lost to since the lawyer has died. So I can relate with your frustration
Sherri

Sherri,

Indiana is horrible about records! In my personal opinion, of course. I was 5 years old when removed and 7 years old when placed. I KNOW everything on my original birth certificate. I am already in reunion (failed). Both my bparents are dead. And I am still not entitled to my original birth certificate. When I decided to locate my bsiblings (all also adopted out) I contacted the DSS (or whatever it is called) for assistance. I was told that siblings do not have the right to search for each other. I have their names (adopted) and I knew DSS had more information and they wouldn't help me. Then in early 2006 I asked for a copy of my birth certificate (not the original) so that I could adopt my daughter. I fought with them for 4 months before I got a copy of it. In the process I was told that adoptee birth certificates are stored in a special place so that there is no chance of an error being made and it being released to the wrong person.

Samantha

[Mrs_Tammy94]

If I could only express my fusration about Indiana Laws I would of set a atomic bomb down. (just kidding) I can't believe how these laws have effected some many people. It is unfair in a country of the free. Don't make me laugh. It is not right how some people can play GOD with my file. I don't believe anything I hear from a adoption agency or state. I am trying to figure out something for myself on finding my son.

[heidibay66]

This winter has been so weird. I am sorry for not keeping you up to date. I haven't heard back from Brian( our friend in the band) yet, and believe it or not I am still sick. I just can't seem to kick this stuff this year. I am getting there though I am not giving up.
Thanks to all that sending stories and I would love to hear more.
Heidi

[heidibay66]

ok, so back to the subject for now while we wait for a call back.
I have sat here for the last 15 yrs wondering whether my parents are alive or not. That is so hard for me. I pray that they are but what if, because my records are sealed, I finally find them and they just passed away. I don't get angry easily but I would be and who would I blame? Myself, for not looking harder? My adoptive mother for keeping me from looking? The agency who wouldn't give me the information? The state for having sealed records? Which one do I get angry with until I am ready to forgive? I just feel that not knowing anything is hard for anyone and that the laws should allow certain information to be passed on so that no one is to blame.

[susieloo]

Hey Heidi...Have ya still got the throat thing. My daughter is still struggling with hers...might be getting tonsils whipped out. Have to try to make appt with a specialist tommorrow. Scary stuff.
Had some good times with my bdaughter over our summer hols...but oh my god so much self doubt still on my part!!! I think I am my own worst enemy.
Thoughts...Susie

[paigeturner]

Bastardnation is planning a rally in New Orleans July 22, 2008 in front of the convention center. New Orleans is hosting the National Conference of State Legislatures annual meeting. This would be an excellent opportunity to make your voice heard.

[Raichel]

Dear Heidibay66, So glad you found your mother. I have been searching for my daughter for a long time. She was born in Iowa, May 18, 1972. Hope your reunion was a good one.