[cyd]

I feel my bson, found me, but actually lied in his correspondence - To make me feel he wanted to keep contact, after out reunion he has withdrawn, and now is doing EVERYTHING completely opposite to his letters and emails....

I accepted him totally, I told him and still do love him unconditionally - whatever he does, but why the lies?

Bmom here is hurting now.

[eek40]

Cyd,
I am so sorry you are hurting right now. I am not sure if I can help or not but I am an adoptee in reunion for about 4 months now, so its still pretty new to me. Reunions seem to go in stages, but I think it varies for everyone. I know that its hard for me sometimes because I sometimes dont know how I feel, it was so important for me to find my Mom and now that I have her I sometimes think..Now what. If you can give him some space, write him an email or letter that explains that you will always be around and will respect his need for space, then let him regroup a bit and go from there, if you ever need a friend to talk to email me at eek40@aol.com
Aimee

Originally posted by cyd
I feel my bson, found me, but actually lied in his correspondence - To make me feel he wanted to keep contact, after out reunion he has withdrawn, and now is doing EVERYTHING completely opposite to his letters and emails....

I accepted him totally, I told him and still do love him unconditionally - whatever he does, but why the lies?

Bmom here is hurting now.

[FatBirdy]

I doubt VERY MUCH that your bson lied to you. I think he told you what he felt at the time - reunions are filled with so many UNEXPECTED emotions - I would guess that it all just got too much for him and that is why he backed away....not becasue he lied.

My bmom has done the same thing and to say that she lied to me or trick me would assume that this was premeditated - and I don't think it was. When we first met and she told me that she loved me, never wanted to let me go again and that she wanted to scream to the world about her 'new' daughter - I believe that is what she truly felt at that time. Unfortunatly, now, my bmom told me that she in fact does not love me and she doesn't want me to be a part of her life. It's scary becasue this is a very comon phenomena. You should keep your eye out for a post by the Searchguru - talks about the stages of reunions.

[cyd]

Thank you for your reply

Yes, perhaps you are right, and his feelings have changed. It is 6 months now since he found me and he specifically asked if I would like to keep contact in his 2nd email to me.
After we met, we returned home to his country and I have only had about 4 contacts with him.

I feel he has disrupted my life so much (my feelings really). I want to also be able to withdraw from him now and try and handle the hurt. But because I told him I love him and accept him - and also I would give him space, I won't withdraw.

He said in our first email that he was getting married next year. Then when he met me he said no he was not. I suspect he is, but does not want me to know or even contemplate being there!!!

He blamed his aparents for not wanting contact, but having spoken to his amom, it was actually him.
So he has lied, but maybe just to protect himself and not to hurt me perhaps????

My heart is longing for him.

cyd

[FatBirdy]

I think it just got to hard and he is taking some space.......he didn't lie about it - he is just living one day at a time - one feeling at a time. Reunions are so very hard. Even you can understand - even though you love your son and your heart is longing for him - you still want to run away. I am however so glad to hear that you are resisting that feeling. I wish my bmom didn't run away from me. Man, I can't begin to tell you how much that hurt for my bmom to run away from me.....again. I am sorry to hear that your reunion isn't going very well - but I thank you for being a bmom willing to work on the issues and stick it through thick and thin!

As for the lying about the possible wedding and what not - although I don't agree with lying - I think he feels between a rock and a hard place. I suspect he is trying to protect everyone's feelings....so try not to hold this against him. Especially regarding the wedding - this is his special day - and if this reunion really is so painful for him I can imagine that is why he does not want you at the weding - it's not about you; rather, it's about him and his inability to deal with the reunion issues at hand. On his wedding day he will want to focus on his new bride and not his bmom or aparents...ya know what I mean?

Good luck to you on your adoption reunion journey. It's a bumpy road so hold on tight!

[Jackiejdajda]

cyd wrote..I feel he has disrupted my life so much (my feelings really). I want to also be able to withdraw from him now and try and handle the hurt. But because I told him I love him and accept him - and also I would give him space, I won't withdraw.

I think you have done everything right.. You/we can withdraw and handle the hurt.. Its allowed I know I suppressed a lot of my hurt when I relinquished my son..

When I met my son all those feelings came at me like an express train.. I believe it is grief.. Grief that I had repressed all those years ago..When the son or daughter becomes a real person I think some of us finally come to terms with those feelings.. Finally feel them..

Thats a good thing.. Or it was a good thing for me..
What happened to some of us was wrong.. I did not see my son.. I was told to just forget.. I was not given any kind of outlet for my feelings.. No one validated what I was going through..

I needed that validation in order to stay connected with my feelings... It took me years to finally come to terms with what happened. Its a journey to me.. A journey back to myself..
Who I was before the trauma of the birth and the relinquishment..

I told my bson that I am here for him.. I also let him go again..
I relinquished him a second time..

Now we have a relationship that is based on equality..
We very slowly get to know each other..

Jackie

[l-thompson]

I don't believe in my heart that your birthson would intentionally lie to you...I tend to agree with Fat Birdy, he is possibly just trying to protect everyones feelings.

Six months into reunion is still very early days and he is maybe doing what I call the egg shell dance. He is still finding his way, possibly not sure what to say and what not to say and caught up in all the emotions that reunion brings to the fore.

From what you wrote in your post is there a distance between you as in physical kilometres?........if thats the case, it takes just that little bit longer to get to know each other....its very hard communicating via emails and phone calls. Body language is important when we communicate with people and more so when it comes to expressing our thoughts and feelings on a personal level. It can be very hard to express yourself when its words on a computer screen. With email too you tend to read sentences over and over again and maybe read more into the words than what was actually intended.

Reunion is hard, it really is a test of ones commitment, understanding and patience. I think its wonderful that you have let your son know that you love him and accept him. I guess that means regardless of the circumstances.

I am so sorry that you feel hurt at this moment .

[marni01]

sorry!
I just really want to look at my mom- oh that's where I came from. I've been looking for 25 years...