[MollyMo]

Hello all, we finally have our new son placed with us. He is 8 and is a very good student in school - HOWEVER - he hates doing homework to the point that he is flat our defiant. We spent one hour last night waiting for him to do his assigned reading to us with threats of grounding or no games or toys with his response being "go ahead". I am open to suggestions on how to handle this. He will do his homework most of the time, but not without getting downright angry about it while he does it. He claims that "I learned all of this at my old school". When I quiz him - he is right - he already knows it all and is bored with it, but the teacher says that he has to complete the assignments to stay in sink with the class. HELP!!!!!

Molly

[lucyjoy]

What's the worse thing that can happen if he doesn't do the homework?

With my 9 year old, I have him shower after dinner and then it's homework time. If he doesn't want to do it, off to bed. If he chooses to do it, then it's snack time and usually a few minutes of play time with mom.

I figure homework is the child's responsibility. If he needs my help, I'm available. The time slot is available for doing the homework as well. If he chooses not to, then the school has consequences for that.

If he hasn't been with you long, he may just be pushing your buttons to get a reaction.

[scandi]

My 8 year old was the same way. He pushed the envelope on all school work - at home and at school. His reason behind it - he wanted to see if I or the teachers were going to give up on him as everyone had done in the past. Once I showed him that I wasn't going to give up on him it is really no longer a fight to get the work done. In school he had learned that if he pretended he couldn't do it they would eventually do it for him. He is now doing the work in school because the school this year did not fall into that trap.


If possible you might want to find out his past school experiences. It might help to give you an idea as to what the underlying issue is. Also, it might not hurt to ask him. My son could always do the work as well he was just chosing to fight the battle to see if he could win - and that I would give in.

The last foster home my son was in would give into his behaviors and pick him up from school whenever he acted out - he did this alot. It was much more fun to be at home and play.

just my experiences

[mallory4]

Some things you could try:

One is to have a family meeting and sit down with him at a time that is not homework time, so there aren't any angry feelings or frustration involved, and ask him what he thinks the plan should be, since the school requires him to do the work and everyone is unhappy with how things are going now. He might come up with some good ideas.

Something that worked with one of my kids ( a daydreaming dawdler) was setting the timer, so they know there is an end point to the homework session--if they aren't done in half an hour (or however long would be an appropriate amount of time) then they just have to turn it in the way it is, and accept the consequences from the teacher.

Don't know what the tv/computer/gameboy situation is for him, but I know some of my friends have gotten homework hassles out of the way simply by saying "No gameboy until homework is finished and checked" and voila! their boy does the work. I don't think this would help if the work is too hard for him and he can't easily do it just by making up his mind to do so, but from what you are saying it seems that motivation, not ability, is the problem.

You might also try changing the time when homework happens--some kids do better and quicker if they work before dinner and know that dinner won't arrive until the homework is finished, checked and put away, and that leaves after-dinner time for playing and family time. Other kids really need time after school to de-stress and get renergized and will work more efficiently if they wait until later before starting.

Last but not least, you could try rewarding him. I am not one to reward kids for things that really they should be doing of their own accord, but if he really isn't struggling with the material and it is just too dull for him, I don't think there is anything wrong with adding some external motivation. If he enjoys TV or computer time, he could earn segments of time by completing his work quickly and/or without complaining. Or if he needs a more immediate reward, he could have a treat (A couple of cookies, a few M&M's, etc.) for every subject that he completes in time and without hassles.

And, last but not least, you don't say how new he is, or what his life was like before, but obviously he could be having issues with adjusting to a new family and a new school, and it may help him just to have that acknowledged and sympathized with. We moved to a new area when I was in grade 5, where all the work was stuff I had learned in my old school in grades 3 and 4, so I remember just how annoying it was to me to have to redo it. I was a big pain, too, and I hadn't just got a new family in the bargain.

I hope things only improve with time.

[momm2be]

I would speak with the teacher. If he is bored, maybe the teacher needs to challenge him more, rather than get him in sync. Why slow down or do repetitive work.

Homework was miserable in our house until our recent school change. Now she required to do it at aftercare before she can play. This is the new aftercare's rules not mine, though works towards a happier evening for us.

[lilybugs]

1. Give a break with no pressures after school before homework.
2. Follow through and TAKE the things you threaten to take.
3. Off inaminate rewards for SUCCESSFUL homework with no fit, 20 mins extra til bed, computer for 20 min in school week, something he enjoys.

Just some ideas. Maybe he is brainweary, are there any ld's?? Modified homework (not so much) may be helpful. You would need a 504 for that at the very least if teacher is not cooperative. Ihave modified homework in my youngest son's IEP.

[dadfor2]

we finally have our new son placed with us.

hi molly

a couple of thoughts i had, the biggest being that homework for this child is not in his prioty. He is 'finally' placed with you.

you have more impotant things to do at this stage then homework and battles. He needs to feel safe and heard.

talk to his teachers and explain that you need time to bond and the homework is a battle and that will not help with attachment and bonding.

in the end, whats more important, a child that is attached to his family, or if his homework is done?

if the teacher insists that he have homework, then the teacher should be more then happy to stay after school and do it with him or she/he can find a tutor or aid to help him IN SCHOOL.

most likely your child is far behind, or will be, but he will catch up once he feels settled in. he is only 8!!!

now with that being said....i do have some ideas that has helped my children. (just to make it clear, i dont think a newly placed child has 'education' as his main priority, so i would advice to do more 'loving' then 'battling' at this stage.)

i went to michaels art supplies store and got picture boxes.

each kid has one. I put all kinda of things in it, like pencils, erasers, stickers and things like that. ITs called their 'homework' boxes.

i sit them down, one at a time. NO TV on anywhere....usually the other one is in the bath.

oh, heres the biggy...in their homework boxes is 2 little candy bars.

they get these little candy bars when they finish. YOu can give one to them for just sitting down, and the other when they are finished. or you can give them half way, or you can give them both at the end.

this has worked well with my kids to stop the tantruming around homework.

another thing you can try is use a timer, and this is used to just get in the habit of sitting down and doing something.

set the timer for 5 min, and when it ggoes off, homework stop,no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!

if its too long, try 1 minute..the goal is for the child to just kinda sit still and make that 'homework' space.

anyway, one other thing to point out, that some kids have problems with homwork with their parents because of self estemm issues. They dont want to show the parents what they dont know. Even if they know, they dont want the parents to know...it just triggers so much for our kids.

'will you still love him and want him if he doesnt know the answer?"

he cant be too sure.

behaviors are a childs language...he doesnt like to tantrum, just as much as you dont like to listen to, but he doesnt have the words yet.

so, i say 'the heck with the homework' you have more important things to do with him then if he can add at this point.

congrats by the way.......these kids are so complex, but i think if we keep educating ourselves and talking to other parents, and get these kinda issues 'out there', we just might find it easier to deal with.

[mrsred]

Molly, looks like just about everyone is saying a lot of what I was thinking. Namely that homework is not the greatest priority right now.
You will probably have better results by letting him own this problem. After all, who has to suffer the consequenses of it not getting done?
At our home the children do have a choice as to whether or not they do their homework at home. Of course, if they don't do it at home their teachers make them stay in at recess to do it. So, it is definately in their best interest to do it at home.
With our 7 yr old, who really, really hates to do homework I figured out that the problem was not so much that he hated to do the homework as that he couldn't concentrate to do it with bro and sis around but he hated being isolated. So when he is doing his homework the other two have to be either in their rooms doing their own, or upstairs doing something else, the dog goes outside and I sit at the table reading a book. I occassionally will glance over and comment on what a fabulous job he is doing, and he will cheerfully finish his work!