[cvalda]

I wonder how young is too young for a boy to hit puberty? The "new" boy I am currently guardian for turned 11 in June. He was adopted in 2008. The family that adopted him thinks that there was an error (whether intentional or not) and that he is really 2 years old (based on ages of other siblings, they think the birthdate was switched to make him younger/more adoptable.)

They noted that they found him engaging in self-pleasuring activity last year, when he was ten. (Thankfully he was doing this in private and not around or with anyone else.) Around this time he was also spending a lot more time in the bathroom. Also, bodily changes (hair growth, etc) make it seem like he should definitely be older than we think.

He is fairly obsessed with my 16 year old daughter, and we've had to lay down some pretty strict ground rules so he knows what is and is not acceptable. He talks about girls all the time. Since he was adopted when he was almost 7, he didn't start kindergarten until he was 7, so right now at 11 he's in fourth grade (where typically the kids are 9 at the beginning of the year). If there was an error on his birthyear, he could biologically be 13 years old. THis is concerning to me when he's talking about cute girls in his grade, since they are all 9 years old. This is going to lead to a lot of frustration for him, I think, with his female peers not being as mature as him/not on the same level as him, and I'll have to be extra vigilant with him in his peer relations.

My own adopted boys all matured at typical ages. I'm wondering if this can really happen this early, or if there is an indication that he is older than his adoptive family was told. I wonder if there is a way to determine this medically?

[Jensboys]

There are ways to determine this medically (teeth and growth plate development in bones) but it is also very common for kids adopted from several African countries. I have many friends with kids from Ethiopia for example that were up to FOUR YEARS older than the age given on their papers. This was confirmed when birth parents were found in later years.

Honestly, I think I would consider having his age readjusted on his birth certificate if it can be proven, and trying to do an adapted education program to get him placed with same age peers sooner rather than later.

Saying all that, my 1 son entered puberty at age 12 quite fully.

[sak9645]

The age of puberty has been declining in the U.S.

Today, medical experts say that a boy has premature or precocious puberty if any of the following develop before age 9:

1. Armpit or pubic hair
2. Growth of the testes and penis
3. Facial hair, often first on the upper lip
4. Muscle growth
5. Voice change (deepening)

With girls, premature puberty is most commonly defined as having any of the following before age eight, although some doctors are saying that it may be normal for African American and some Caucasian girls to have them at age seven:

1. Armpit or pubic hair
2. Faster growth
3. Breasts
4. First period (menstruation)
5. Mature outer genitals

In short, it is not unusual at all for an 11 year old boy, whether born in the U.S. or born overseas, to show signs of puberty, although many boys will mature later. And masturbation is not uncommon among boys of that age, either. Moreover, many 11-12 year old boys, though certainly not all, develop some interest in girls or at least in magazines that depict naked or semi-naked women.

I'm 67, and even when I was a child, boys in the 10-12 age range were sneaking looks at such magazines. And a few "bad apple" fifth and sixth grade boys were flipping up the hems of girls' full skirts, so that their slips, and sometimes their underpants, showed for a couple of seconds. And a few girls teased the boys by purposely spinning around while wearing a full skirt with a stiff crinoline underneath, so that the skirt would rise till it was almost horizontal and slip and panties showed. "Spin the bottle" was occasionally played at sixth grade parties.

Today, unfortunately, with puberty occurring at younger ages, and with different moral and behavioral standards, there ARE even more kids trying out pre-sexual and sexual behaviors in middle school and earlier. An article I read discussed the fact that oral sex was fairly common among kids in middle schools, nowadays, and my guess is that it started even earlier among some of the kids.

My guess is that what you are observing in the child for whom you have guardianship is normal puberty for an eleven year old, and that the boy is not actually older than his stated age. HOWEVER, my guess is that, at the very least, some inadequate parenting or orphanage care may have occurred in his past. He may not have a good sense of what is appropriate conduct when dealing with all of his bodily changes and brand-new sexual feelings. The good news is that he has at least some sense of what is inappropriate, in that his masturbation occurred in private. It will be up to you and your spouse, if you are married, to educate the boy and help him become a well-adjusted young man.

Physically, start in a very innocent way by buying him a man’s deodorant. One of the first signs of puberty in many boys is perspiration odor. I’ve taught ten year old boys who were beginning to smell like goats, and a man teacher had a session with them about showering daily and using deodorant. Believe me, the boys really took to the idea, as they wanted to be seen as “real men”.

And be patient with the boy if he wants other grooming supplies, as well. Yes, eleven year old boys may start wanting a particular brand of soap, shampoo, or deodorant, as well as to start using mouthwash. And they may take long showers and tie up the bathroom. Take him shopping and, without breaking the bank, let him pick out what he wants. (Hint: A lot of boys want to buy AXE deodorant, because they see it on TV, but it’s really strong smelling and you probably will hate it.)

Intellectually, make sure that the boy has a real understanding of puberty and sexuality. Given his background, he may have learned a lot of misinformation from other kids. While talking is important, look for some reading material that is easy to read and geared to preteens and young teens, and that addresses issues of anatomical changes in both genders, emotional changes, and so on.

Augment discussions of the facts of life with information on your family’s values. As an example, you may teach your children not to have sex before marriage, but the child for whom you have guardianship may have been in a community where girls as young as 13 had babies. He needs to know what’s OK in your family and in your community.

You may also teach your children that “no means no”, in the sense that a person should never touch someone without his/her consent, and certainly should not initiate sexual acts with a person without his/her consent. Make sure he knows that this is a major rule in your house. He may NOT try to hug, kiss, fondle, or otherwise touch your teen daughter, no matter how beautiful she is – first, because it’s wrong to do that to anyone without consent and, second, because, while he lives with you, he must treat her as his sister, and sisters are strictly off-limits.

And, though I hate to have to mention it, listen carefully to the boy, and be alert for any indication that he was sexually abused. While your son’s behavior seems pretty OK for a kid who hasn’t had a lot of family discussions about healthy behaviors during puberty, if he seems truly obsessed with sex, your daughter, etc., this COULD be a sign of sexual abuse. If you are permitted to take the boy to the doctor, within the scope of your guardianship agreement, talk to the doctor about your concerns, both about your child’s age and about whether he may have experienced sexual abuse.

I expect that the doctor will reassure you that the boy is developing normally and is probably 11. However, he may agree to refer you for some testing. Bone and tooth studies are basically useless, especially in kids from foreign countries where poor nutrition and other factors can affect bone and tooth growth. The studies also tend to associate findings with a very wide range of ages. Moms who have given birth to their children, and who had bone and tooth studies done for other reasons, were often quite shocked when the tests made the children seem older or younger by as much as two years. Those Moms knew, to the hour, when their kids were born! They were there!

There are, however, some tests that may help your doctor figure out whether any interventions to slow down puberty should be undertaken. These include various hormone tests, which identify problems in the testicles, adrenal glands, hypothalamus, etc. It can be worrisome for a child to have early puberty, because growth often stops after puberty; this can be an issue if the child is already quite short. In addition, there can be some merit to slowing puberty if a child is experiencing emotional problems because he looks and feels different from other children in his class.

The doctor can also talk to the child about sex and sexuality, and get a sense of whether the child may have been sexually abused. If the boy has experienced sexual abuse, whether by other children or by adults, it will be important for you to involve mental health professionals who can help him recover and help you raise him.

All in all, my feeling is that you should forget the age issue and parent the child at the level of development that is appropriate. Consider finding a private school with multi-grade classrooms, for example. A room with 4th, 5th, and 6th graders may be perfect, since he will LOOK like some of the kids, and function like some others. He can read on a fourth grade level, but looks like a sixth grader, so he won’t be set apart.

As to bothering nine year old girls, that is something you will have to work on with him. Most likely, unless he has shown signs of sexual abuse, he won’t care about pre-pubescent girls at all, and won’t bother them. But if you are worried, take him to counseling and also enroll him in well-chaperoned activities that attract girls of his age.

Sharon

[DPline]

I work part time in a 5th-6th grade school so the kids range from 10 to 12 in general. And then I also have a son who just turned 14. There is a HUGE range of when they hit puberty and how quickly they develop when they do start. I see 10 year olds well on their way into puberty and there are kids my son's age who are just really starting now in 8th grade.

Like Jensboys son, my own son was well into puberty by the age of 12 and had definetly started by 10-11. (Hair, voice change, body oder.) He just turned 14 in Sept and could easily pass for 16 or 17 bassed on his development.


I have also found I can usually peg the kids who have older siblings or looser households and have been exposed to more at a younger, regardless of their physical development.

I would definetly have the medical testing done if you think that his age could in fact be incorrect, but based on what you have said I personally am not seeing it as that abnormal. Just really hard to parent!!

Good luck!!