[GoddessDanu]

My niece is apparently being bullied at school. A group of girls constantly make fun of her, push her, and do other stupid things. My sister thinks the solution is to enroll my niece in Karate classes so she can learn to defend herself. I just don't think this is the answer. I feel like they're teaching her that violence is the answer to her problems. I told my sister that I thought she should be having meetings with teachers, parents, and other staff and try to find a solution. She thinks I'm not supporting my niece and is now mad at me.

Is Karate the answer to being bullied or would you try another alternative?

[MamaS]

I think you are both right. Karate might give your niece self-esteem and a little "toughness" but it is not an answer to bullies. Your sister should go immediately to the teacher and the principal and file a complaint. Bullying is a federal offense and no school wants it on their record.

[GoddessDanu]

I didn't know it was a federal offense. I found this link:

Pathways Courses - The ABCs of Bullying

[devildogwife]

I agree with MamaS. I think both are great and that your sister has found part of the answer. She'd be remiss to not notify the school though.

My new brother is currently being bullied at his high school and my parents are already working on this with his school counselor and teachers. He has also been in martial arts since arriving in the US and loves it. It does help give him some much needed self confidence and should the situation arise, he does need to know how to defend himself.

[Bamamom07]

We're also having a problem with bullying. My neighbor, who I would like to maintain a friendship, has two sons. The little one is no problem, and our little guys play together daily. The almost ten year old though, often acts like a punk. He'll go from playing great with my kids one day, to throwing rocks at them the next, with no provocation. Or when one of them starts over to his yard to play, he may yell at them to get off of his property. It's totally random. I've been dealing with it by telling my kids to have nothing to do with him, don't talk to him or listen to him unless he is ready to play nice. He's the one with no one near his age to play with if he cant play with my kids, my kids have each other and are content to stay away from him. However, they do have to ride the bus together. I've talked to his mom about this best that I can. I really think it's coming from his father, who seems nice on the surface, but I think is probably bullying and disrespectful to their mom in front of the boys. The child has told my kids before he doesn't care if they tell on him, he doesn't have to listen to me or his mom. My eleven year old is much smaller than him, but a fiesty little thing, and has been displaying some really out of character self control to not jump on this kid and try to beat him up. Yet, the neighbor dad thinks my kids are the aggravators and his son is innocent. The boy also has a lot more material things than you'd think family can afford, he is obviously spoiled. I'd REALLY love to hear more ideas on this!!

[GoddessDanu]

Bama, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with bullying. I feel like it's become much more common now than 20 years ago, or maybe it's just me. I was bullied at school for being the fat girl but I always ignored them. That's not to say it still doesn't affect me today. I hope you find a resolution to your kids bully soon.

[crick]

I don't know that there are more bullies these days but I do feel they are more empowered. Back in the day, you could defend yourself more and fight them if need be. You could have the "I'll see you after school pal" and not get suspended. You also didn't fear the weapons as much as we do now. One other aspect that has changed imo, is the parental and community involvement. One can't tell a kid not their own "Hey knock it off!" at the park without the fear of being sued, and then let's face it...we have a lot more uninvolved parents than before. We also have more parents who do not discipline because omg...that will hurt their child's feelings. (Obviously there ARE good parents out there, so don't get me wrong)

Unfortunately, one of the byproducts of our "new age" bullying prevention/education programs being taught in school is that the victim is often MORE powerless than ever. If you follow the steps they tell you to, and there's a lot of them, and nothing is resolved, all that is created is even more attention on your child and the bully throws that in their face. "Ha! I TOLD you not to tell and see...NOTHING HAPPENED!" and on it goes. If you do end up physically doing something about it, you will likely end up suspended due to the "no fighting" policy that so many schools have. So kids learn it's just not worth it, see that the bullies have all the power after all, and they stop reporting it.

This at least is my experience having dealt with this for the last 8 months with my 6th grader. Not until we involved the police and filed a report did the kid stop his antics. The school touts itself with a "Zero Tolerance" policy and they do all the classes etc., but it's all talk talk talk. When it comes down to action...they shut up all the sudden, claiming "confidentiality" and nothing gets done. Maybe we just have a bad school, but I know from talking to many others about the issue, that our experience was not unique.

My suggestion is nip it in the bud as soon as possible. With the neighbor situation, I would not allow my kids to play with that family at all. If the boy comes onto your property, film him and make sure he knows it. Tell him you'll contact the police if he trespasses again. Extreme? Possibly, but if his parents are not doing anything about it then the law is your next step. If he causes issues on the bus, call the bus dispatch and report it. Do they have cameras on the bus?

Goddess - I think karate is a good overall sport and if there's an interest in it, it's great. But if it's only for self defense, it's not really going to be all that effective because #1, most karate instructors drill it into their student's heads that they cannot use karate on other kids, and #2, it'll be months before she has any real skills to use for defense. What will she do in the meantime?

Your sister needs to document in WRITING every incident and be as detailed as possible. Just the facts, no emotions. Instead of saying her child is being bullied, she should say "harassed". Regardless of the federal mandate that requires schools to have preventional programs, steps, mission statements etc. not very many states actually have specific laws against bullying. Most DO have laws against harassment & discrimination though. (Violence usually means weapons and other unsafe methods which bullying does not necessarily fall into the same category as)

If she doesn't want to go the school route and it's more about teaching her dd how to handle situations, I highly recommend a "Peer Relations' class. Often therapists will have little support groups with kids facing the same issues and give them real life tools to resolving conflicts. This is more for the child's self esteem, meeting other kids so they know they aren't alone, empowering themselves etc. Not necessarily going to solve a specific bully issue, which will likely need parental & school involvement if it doesn't stop.

[ocracoke]

Is she being bullied physically? If so then I think an adult needs to step in and take control -- meetings with the parents, school, and who ever else. If she is being bullied with just words -- well I still think adults should step in. My daughter started Tae Kwon Do last September. I have noticed a huge change in her. She is happier, and more confident. Martial arts really emphasize that you do not use your skills aggressively. And you use just what you need to to protect yourself. The instructors at my daughter's Tae Kwon Do studio have high expectations for all the students. They really drill in self esteem, self confidence, and independence. This may help the child being bullied and lessen the chances of being the target of the bullies. But if a bully has chosen their target they may not let go so easily. The adults in the school need to know what is going on and try to put a stop to it. But martial arts may help the child feel more capable and confident in caring for themselves in those bully situations (even if it is just walking away). I think your sister and you can work together to make both things happen for your neice.

Samantha

[Rainbow mom]

My son and daughter took karate for awhile and one of the bully proofing techniques is simply to raise your hands in the the air and yell "STOP IT" as loud as possible . Hands in the air tell the authority figure you where not "hands on" STOP IT" brings unwanted attention to the offender. Offenders thrive in secracy and hate being called out.

[Bamamom07]

I'm afraid if I use the filming and no trespassing route, I'll only make the problem bigger. The boy's mom and I are friends, she frequently keeps my four year old for me, and my four year old and her four year old are each others only playmate besides siblings. I very much want to remain friends, and figure out a way to encourage better behavior out of her older son. On his good days, the kids all play together, and he has the benefit of having fun with a bunch of kids he likes. But at least as often, he just acts like a jerk. One day,as a kindergardner boy got off the bus, he says, "look at that little boy and his color. I can't stand his color. I don't like him". My kindergardner child, who is the SAME color, came in and told me and was all upset. "I guess that means he don't like me and my brothers either!" It can be such totally stupid, random things like that. Often, he'll lurk in the bushes and just watch the kids play outside. They always notice, and ask him why is he spying on them. He'll deny it, and run off. Tell his mother, and she doesn't believe it.

Next month I'll be changing my work shifts so that I'll have more afterschool time with them, and be able to watch more closely, so it's not as much their word against his. I've seen what he does enough to believe my own kids, and his parents believe him. I hate to think I have to call his mom everytime I see him act out. I realize his dad is the biggest problem anyway. Since he works a lot, he's not home when these things are going on, and when he is, he can't deal with extra kids at his house anyway, and keeps his son home. So he never sees him interact with our kids. He's a really nice guy when he's around, but I'm REALLY suspicious he bullies his wife in private and is teaching his son his ways.