[HappyMomAnna]

OK--maybe I am uptight and too controlling of my children? We have taught our 6-year old how to dial 911 and her own phone number as well as Grandma's and to me this is really the extent of the phone use I find acceptable for a Kindergartener!

On Wednesday our Kindergarten daughter came home from school with a consrtuction paper made book caLLED, "My Phone Book" Inside she had written classmates phone numbers. I totally understand this was most likely an activity for working on writing numbers and understanding how phone numbers work.

What really get me is that the teacher told the 5 and 6 year olds that' "now you can call your friends anytime you want to."

Personally, I don't really WANT my daughter calling friends 'anytime she wants to.' I was rather irritated when our daughter took the cordless phone to her room and shut the door and wanted to call a friend.

First I said, "No, if you make a call to anyone--you make the call with my help." So we dialed the friend -- who was not home at the time but, her mother said she would call back when she got home--For the REST of the afternoon I had a 'crazy-6 year old' running for the phone each and every time it rang! (Which is also not acceptable behavior in our home).

Then at 7:30--which is in the middle of our bedtime routine--the phone rang and it was the little girls mother--I resentfully got my daughter to the phone and the conversations ended up with my daughter pitching a fit because the other child's mother had to get on the phone and tell my daughter that her daughter was 'too shy' to talk right now!

To be honest this activity completely disrupted an entire day and evening in our home. Ended with negative results and had our 6-year old telling us that we had to agree to break our own rules because some Kindergarten teacher thought it was a good activity!

What age is normal for parents to allow phone use. I do not remember using the phone until I was about 11 or 12. I do not remember my older children using the phone at least until the 5th grade except is very rare circumstances--like calling another Scout to find out when the next meeting was....

Maybe I am uptight but, I don't see any reason for 5 and 6 year olds to be talking on the phone. What are they going to talk about the Kitty?--and how sucessful can it possible be if one child isn't even able to talk on the phone--and isn't it the parents right to decide when telephone use is proper?

[PinkRibbon]

I don't see a problem with talking on the phone, withing limits. I think it's a great way for kids to learn to socialize and gives them feelings of being independent.. The phone is a privelege, not a right, as far as I'm concerned. You can set time parameters etc.
So what if she's just talking about the kitty or barbie? I'm having trouble understanding what abut her using the phone is upsetting you?

[echaos]

Hi Anna, I would have to agree that this is too young for casual phone use. Are you going to speak to the teacher? Is it possible to get a list of upcoming lessons from the teacher to preview so that you aren't blind sided like this?

[HappyMomAnna]

What upsets me is that this is my home--and I do not feel the teachers should be telling my child what they can or cannot do in it.

I am also upset because we do not allow our children to run and answer the phone everytime it rings--to be very honest I cannot stand it when I call someone and their child answers the phone.

We have bussiness and our phone is part of it. The last thing I want is a 6 yo answering an incoming call which is business related.

What's next her own screenname and internet access?

We do have rules about the phone use in our home. They are really simple rules. Mom and Dad answer all the calls. And if we need to call a classmate we have the school roster to look up the numbers.

What upsets me is that I do not believe 6-year olds need to be sitting around chatting on the phone. Ther are far more important things to do in life.

Recently on another thread a parent was upset that her daughter could not seem to manage dinner--and getting ready for bed in the evening because she spent her time on the phone with a friend....and she was only 7....

I personally do not see the need for chatting on a phone at 6???
With a child this young it is NOT her chatting it is me standing there trying to convience her that it is not OK to take the phone off her ear and talk to me about the negative conversation.

I don't see yacking on the phone as a skill building exercise?

Also--I don't need my 6 year old feeling independent yet.

[spaypets]

Anna, I'm with you. Chatting on the phone is for older children. I think it's acceptable for children to call each other to ask if they want to come over for a play date or some other sort of appointment. But talking for the sake of talking is a waste of time. We will probably permit it within parameters when my daughter is 10 or so.

Of course, I come from a household where we'd throw out our phone if we could get away with it. DH hates it when anyone calls -- it's always a disruption as far as he's concerned (I'm talking about calls for him).

Anyway, I'd have a talk with the teacher. I would be furious with her in your shoes -- I certainly would consider the spreading around of our phone number an invasion of our privacy.

[HappyMomAnna]

spaypets-- I agree we have used the phone for things such as callng for a play date--and R.S.V.P's for birthday parties. That I have NO Problem with!

But, to have kindergarteners make a book called, "my phone book" and encourage casual calls is to me outragious.

echaos-Great idea I will ask the teacher to let me know of any future activities that require HOME participation. I think that is only proper.

I certainly think that 10 or older would be much safer for this activity. Just what we need is some older boy giving our little girl his number or for her to randomly start calling numbers she sees on the sides of cars or in the newspaper or Lord knows what else!

[Jensboys]

Anna - our oldest son attended public=school kindergarten and was also sent home with a phone book of his friends and told to "practice". I HATED it and also nipped it in the bud ... now saying that I have four boys so its a bit easier. This part of kindergarten cirricumlum was not repeated with our next two when we transferred them to private school.

In our house, kids dont answer the phone (unless specifically directed to by a parent - I dont know about you but I HATE having to talk to a friends 3 year old when they answer the phone every time!). Rarely, and for special circumstances can they call a friend but the reality is if they want to arrange a play date, the mothers still have to talk, so mostly they will ask me to call so-and-so's mom to see if they can play. Also, if they have been in school all day with their friends and are going to see them the next morning they DO NOT NEED to be talking on the phone at ages 5,6,7,8,9,10 or 11!!!.

Also, for me anyway, its a measure of security. I wouldnt let my children talk with strangers unsupervised on the internet, so why should I let them answer the phone to strangers? I dont know about you -- but I have had a few prank calls in my life that would freak out a child.

Also, and probably this is my own thing, is that our boys birth family has our number and although they call very infrequently, the boys DO NOT want to have direct contact with them yet (history of abuse etc) and if it were to happen "accidentaly" I know it would terrify/traumatize them. The boys, of course, know they call and are interested in the conversations but DO NOT want to talk yet -- and I dont trust SOME of the members of their birthfamily to respect that. (some of course would be wonderful!)

[HappyMomAnna]

jensboys Thanks I am so glad I am not the only one who feels this way!

I am going to end up being one of those parents the school hates! But my goodness lets get real here!

PinkRibbonAmy I understand teaching skills about independance but, in some ways I think our society has gone way off the deep end with this. Besides we have only had her for a year--the last thing I want is for her to feel independant. She had that the first four years of her life and those are exactly some of the issues we are working on--SHE NEEDS TO FEEL DEPENDANT on the loving care and protection we have to offer her.....when she is 16 I will work on the independant issues.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I think I am a bit more open on the independence issue than most.... my daughter is 6 (almost 7) and does sometimes call friends, she uses the internet (with supervision of course..) and basically I try to let her make her own decisions about most everything (some of my friends dont even let their kids pick out their own clothes in the morning...I wouldnt dream of buying her clothes without her there to approve....LOL).

I do however agree with your beef with the school system...I did not have the same issues in TX that I have had in AZ.... boy they sure hate me...and I have no problem making it very clear to the teacher that I am the parent and she is not!!! When did teachers start thinking that they can call the shots.... they actually taught my daughter's first grade class to swallow pills...using shelled sunflower seeds..... This of course leads to her wanting to not take the childrens medicine, but the grown-up one which is too high of a dose...

Sure I told her that....but wow...who asked them to teach my child such a thing.....I dont remember learning that at school!

[reneetaylor]

My daughter is going to turn 7 in May, and she is allowed to only answer the phone when asked to by her dad or me. As far as her calling her girlfriends, we don't have a big problem with it as long as she keeps it short and does it only when we have given permission. It is definitely a privelege, and in my opinion, it does allow her to feel more independent. Even with the knowledge that we don't make a big deal out of it, my daughter has probably only called her 2 best friends about 3 times in the last year. We also let her call her grandparents and her cousin who is one year older than she is.

We encourage our daughter to be independent and we want her to be able to take care of herself in certain situations. That includes being comfortable speaking on the phone, so she isn't one of those kids whose parents have to come on the line and say that she is too shy to talk. What if there were an emergency and she was too "shy" to call 911 or to call a relative who could come help?

Renee
Mom to Mariah and Aidan

[Jensboys]

I would be HORRIFIED by the pill thing!!! wow!!! Here, now, we cant even get them to teach our kids how to tie their shoes (a big joke among my friends and I is how our kids all have those "elastic laces" that self tie because we all thought the school system would teach them!)

I wanted to add that my kids will call grandparents or aunts and uncles (with our supervision) but being boys would much rather keep at whatever game their are playing ...

[HappyMomAnna]

reneetaylor I completely agree with teaching 911and our daughter has and does know how to call Grandma's. I agree those are important skills.

The developing independance issue is one I intend to stay off of right at this time. The older ones are very independant and therefore I am rather sure I did OK with my skills there...I didn't encourage or teach independance to my little ones. To me that is something they learn as they grow. And--I am not sure HOW independance teaching works with Attachment at this early stage.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I agree totally(with Renee)! I try to extend that to a lot of areas...I want her to be capable and independent so that as she gets older and ultimately when she becomes an adult she will be able to do anything that she wants without having to depend on anyone else! Girl Power!!!

[Xanny]

Let me weigh in with the teacher perspective:

Not that I understand why this was taught in kindergarten. It sounds way too structured to me, anyway.

HOWEVER, I would be very careful when you talk to the teacher, if I were you. You can joke about it, but if you become the parent everyone hates, they'll just stop listening to you. The best way to get what's best for your child is to work in partnership with the teachers and the principal at your school.

So I would start by asking why she did the lesson--what was the educational objective? Then explain what happened in your house and why it was difficult for your daughter. Frankly, teachers care about as much about you being inconvenienced as you care about them being inconvenienced. They don't want to piss you off, but they also consider it's your job to spend time with your kids, help with homework, and set your own limits. However, if you explain that your daughter tried to call a friend and was very disappointed when first she was not home and later, she was not able to come to the phone because she was too shy (a sign that she is not developmentally ready for chatting on the phone) that will have a better chance of getting through.

Finally, don't go there angry. Unless you feel your child was physically hurt or your religion was violated, NEVER go to school angry. Like anyone else, teachers shut down when they're confronted in an angry manner. You won't get a positive resolution that way, and you might get a reputation for being a crazy mom, which means nobody will ever listen to you again. Also, ALWAYS start with the teacher, when possible. Weigh any issue seriously before taking it to the principal. Make sure it's important enough to be worth risking your reputation at the school, and possible unpleasantness to the teacher that can get passed on to your child through bad moods and general insecurity in the classroom, if she feels her job is threatened or the principal is looking over her shoulder all the time.

Just some tips from the "other side!" Good luck, and let us know what happens.

Xanny

[HappyMomAnna]

I really am not concerned about teaching independance to my daughters--My 19 year old is by far the most independant young woman I have ever personally known in my life..... And I picked out her clothing until she was in High School! In fact she THANKS me for teaching her the skills of selecting clothes and of making good choices....

I think there is a fine line between teaching independant thought and skills and allowing them to rule the roost.

My 19 year old lived in my home under MY Rules and we did butt heads a number of times.....she was always told when she pays the rent she can be as independant as she would like to be....Last June she got a job, and apartment, and pays her own rent while attending her Sophomore Year of college. She is regeistered to vote with the 'other party' and has selected values, and ideas that are not shared by me.....It is her choice and that is what I call independance.

Children learn to be independant thinkers when they understand the thinking involved. I raised my older ones with the notion that 'These are My rules and Values--this is Why--and your are permitted to establish your own.'

The simple fact that they left my home with the clear idea of one set of standards and feelings is exactly how they were able to define their own.