[3inCO]

Hi. I am a mom to three children who are adopted. My children were all adopted as newborns. My oldest son will be eight this month, my middle son just turned five and my daughter is 18 months.

My concern is with my eight year old. He has always been a bit high maintenence, even as a baby. He is very bright (was reading well at four), and has always been extra sensitive. He has had some fears most of his life. He always was sensitive to different smells, itchy clothes, tags in his clothes etc... We have always worked through these issues and in general he has been a serious child, but has also had a silly and happy side too.
He can also be very defiant and has always had the ability to argue his point.

He has always enjoyed school. I teach pre-school and so he went for three years and then Kindergarten and first grade. This year he is a second grader and it has been such a hard year for him. His principal died in the early part of the school year from cancer, he was 37 and had 5 year old triplets. This was very upsetting to the whole community and my son took it terribly hard. Even before the death, he had been having nighmares and could not get through the night without screaming for me. He now becomes nervous and cries every morning when I drop him off. He begs me to walk him up to the school. I have talked with his teacher and there does not seem to be anything different happening in the class. He tells me he does not know why he feels this way. He has other issues such as fear of high, open spaces. Water was a fear, but he tackled that with lessons.

I had him see a couselor this fall. It did not go well. He would not open up with her, stating that all was getting better and she really did not seem to be able to draw him out. We gave up on that, for now and with her anyway.

I know that many of his behaviors are anxiety disorder related. My mom and best friend have this and I have had my moments in the past. I have ordered some books to try and work some of it out and will present the problem to his pediatricain at his check-up this month. Curently, his brother is sharing his room and that has stopped the nightmares. Although, I feel guilty that it is not fair to brother, we are all getting much needed sleep and little brother loves being in there, I know this is just a temporary solution.

Sorry this was so long, I guess I just needed to vent. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Like I said, he is very smart and I think when he hears about something ie: a death, the war etc... he processes lots of thoughts, but is still only a little boy and cannot process the emotions of it all. I try to limit what he sees, reads etc... but it is so hard. I want him to enjoy being a child and I feel badly for him. It has drained all of us. Any suggestions would be great! Thanks for listening.

Becky

PS: I have considered that the loss of the principal may relate to adoption issues. Fear of losing us????? Maybe I am looking to hard for an answer.

[lucyjoy]

I would suspect he is afraid of losing you or maybe of dying himself. This very well could be the cause of his sleeping problems or nightmares. Try another therapist. I usually don't like play therapy, but I did take one child to a play therapist that allowed me to observe and it was very enlightening. It was clear what he was fearful of with the first few sessions of play. You may wish to try that.

Also, you may wish to have him assessed for sensory integration problems. This may account for the sensitivity to clothes and smells.

[HappyMomAnna]

My second grade school teacher died just before Winter Break and it was a big---thing in my life. Back then the schools didn't offer grief counceling and we all just went on......I could hardly deal with it!

I had nightmares all the time---and cried for fear my mom and dad would die somehow. I could hardly go to the sitters for fear there would be a car accident. I thought my parents had cancer---a brain tumor---or would accidently cut their head off..... I worried nigh and day about these things for a long time.

As an adult I believe I would have been greatly helped had my sensory integration problems been addressed. Instead by thrid grade my liberal teachers had well labled me.....and may have in fact set my life back 5-or 6 years. I am not sure that my problems as a child were sensory but everything I understand about these issues leads me to think this was the case. My socks could not have lines in them---my hearing was and still is painful at times--I hated to be touched---to this day I have high smell levels and according to my doctor I am a rare person who actually has a smell of the hormone released when we wake-up. It is gross but for about 30 seconds when I am starting to wake up I get this smell like metal and dirty cleaning rags.....I can tell the difference between Pepsi--Coke--New Coke--RC and Diet cola just bay smelling it! (Was really handy when I was a Waitress)

I was and still am over sensitive to EVERYthing---I have to be careful to avoid depression.

What would have helped--I believe ongoing therapy with time to trust would have made a big difference.

[3inCO]

Thank you for your quick answers. I know we will have to try counseling again. I am hoping his pediatrician can point us in a good direction there. When the principal passed away the school did some counseling. My little guy is reluctant to share his feelings with anyone but me. I am happy he trusts me, but I sure don't have all the answers.

I read the book "The Spirited Child" which does address some of the sensory issues and the sensitivity issues. As a preschool teacher I have worked with kids who have serious sensory integration issues and I have used my little bit of knowledge to help him thus far. Much of the sensory stuff he seems to be ajusting to as he ages. I think being sensitive AND a boy is probably extra hard. Everyone still expects them to be tough and strong.

I remember being a sensitive child as well. It just seems like the world is a much faster moving and scarier place than it was then.

Thanks again!

Becky

[kamamsm]

Not only have I heard about this, I've seen it in my child. He has sensory intregration disorder. It is very treatable and certainly hasn't stopped him. Knowing what it was really helped me! Now that i understand I can prepare. Example- learning to read was an ordeal because he could stand the feeling of paper. I lotioned his hands before he held the book (each time he read) and soon he'd got over it. While your son may have anxiety it is possible that what your seeing is an overblown reaction (sensory driven) to a death. Children with sensory problems usually are way over the top in how they deal with things. The first time my son noticed that it gets dark outside ( we were in a resturant) he freaked out! Lol!

[nancynic]

Hi,

I have a dear friend who is a therapist who works with children. She has a wonderful warm manner, a fantastic sense of humor and knows how to play even as an adult . She uses play therapy with children - sits on the floor with them and they play together so the children don't feel like they are being watched or 'analyzed'.

It takes time to build trust but the results are so important when the issues are about loss, grief, abandonment etc.

Best of luck to you and let us know how it all goes.

NancyNic

[Lorraine123]

3inCO -

When I was reading your post, I felt like I was reading about my son. He is 16 yo now, but has had these exact issues all his life. Everything described him to a T - high maintenance, extra sensitive, fears, arguing, sleeping problems, clothing problems.

I was a young, inexperienced mother when he was born. I thought lots of love was all a child needed. In hindsight, lots of therapy was what he needed and he didn't get that until a few years ago. He now has a serious anxiety disorder. He takes anti-anxiety medication, but even with that he has a lot of issues. I have found that his fears change over time, so even if you conquer one, a new one will emerge. My son's current fear is storms and he is terrified to leave the house if it is raining

My son would go to his therapist and yes them to death and state that everything was getting better. The therapist would believe him and dismiss him... It was a vicious cycle. I have had therapist tell me that I'm a overly critical mother because I would tell them that he wasn't getting better.

Anyway - Don't give up. Don't take it lightly. Don't assume its a phase. Help him get the treatment he needs.

[politicog]

I would advise a visit to a neuropsychologist. Many of the things that you mention about your son are consistant with a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder) especially the sensory issues, clothes tags, etc, and possibly in combination with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Roger