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  #1  
Old 11-06-2012, 08:51 PM
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RonneyKay RonneyKay is offline
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22 years ago and he is searching for me, I'm a birthmom

Hi Everyone,

I joined today because apparently this is a touchy subject unless you have been in this situation, it is really hard for some to understand.

So, thanks in advance for reading. Long story short...

I gave up "Joshua" (no longer his name) 22 years ago this month. I was at a very rough time in my life. Newly divorced, 2 other children, and right after my divorce I made some really bad choices and my kids did not live with me at the time, so they don't even remember they have a "brother" (if i can even call them siblings, is that okay?) Anyhow, they dont remember...

I always knew this day was coming. It was always stuffed in the back of my mind.

so fast forward to today. 22 years later. I have been married for 20 years, very stable life, much different than who I was 22 years ago. I received a message saying the boy I gave up (I don't think I can call him my son can I? I think that is rather presumptuous of me) and his Mom are trying to get hold of me.

I am very excited at this possibility. Nervous, so many emotions. I guess they have been looking for me for a long time. I am happy, confused, shocked... So many things, I can't pin point one emotion. But I can say, I am thankful this day has finally came...

Now onto another situation. None of my kids know. The older 2 do not remember. I have wanted to tell them for the longest time, but always figured "I would cross that bridge when it came" Well, I have approached the bridge.

I guess I just needed someone to "listen" Advise is appreciated, especially if you have been through this before. Do your other children know? Your husband? (my husband knows and is supportive of any decision I make)

Thank you for reading...

Love and Blessings
Ronney K.
Phoenix, AZ
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  #2  
Old 11-07-2012, 06:01 AM
4EverBlue1993 4EverBlue1993 is offline
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I can so relate.

I wrote a message with a quick over view of my situation a little while ago and I back clicked and it all went away. I will do it in a quicker format and hopefully we can support each other through what to me has been nothing less than a shameful existence.
I got pregnant @17 had my daughter @18. Only my BF and the guy who helped me get pregnant knew. He disappeared. I hid my pregnancy for reason I can get into later. I gave birth all alone on 04/20/93 at 7:30am. I abandoned her. There is no nice or right way to say it. I will get into that more later. There are alot of things I want to share about my story if you are interested. I do understand all of your feelings. I feel alone even though I know that I am not. I am looking to give support as well as receive support. My daughter found me 2 yrs ago. I have spoken to here on many occasions but am utterly petrified to meet her in person. Please let me know if you are interested in sharing all the details of our stories. Have a blessed day,
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  #3  
Old 11-07-2012, 06:39 AM
Dickons Dickons is offline
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RonneyKey,

Yes your children are are your son's siblings and it's fine to call them that.

Yes it is okay to call him your son.

No experience with this side of if: I am assuming your husband already knows as you don't mention that. I would just approach your children that you wanted to tell them many times (assuming you did), but you knew there was also a chance your son would never reach out and how that would make them feel. I would have your husband with you showing support if that is possible.

As to the reunion - expect the unexpected. Expect emotions that overwhelm you and make that all you think about. You may find your reunion becomes your focus too much and those close to you to feel left out - prepare against that, and understand their feelings are real too.

Take your time with the reunion - be brutally honest if you start feeling overwhelmed and ask him to be honest too. What type of relationship you have will be different than what you have with your children for two reasons - you have no shared memories and he has another mom whether that relationship is good or bad or inbetween...

It's called a roller coaster for a good reason. There are some wonderful mothers on this board who should chime in with support in the next day or so...listen to them - they have been there.

Just enjoy...

Kind regards,
Dickons
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  #4  
Old 11-12-2012, 05:41 PM
L4R L4R is offline
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RonneyKay,

I'm really excited for you.

He's definitely your son, and he's a sibling to your other children.

HOWEVER, you're right to be cautious when using those words with him. He may or may not think of you as his mother. He may or may not think of your children as his siblings.

I am an adoptee, so I cannot give any advice to you about telling your other children. But, I am thrilled that you are planning to let them know.

I hope that everything goes well for you.
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  #5  
Old 11-13-2012, 10:03 AM
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RonneyKay RonneyKay is offline
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UPDATE:

So Saturday night we chatted on Facebook. My 2 sons (who he DOES consider brothers), and he was EXTREMELY EXCITED to find out he has a sister.

It feels so liberating to be able to talk about this openly. However, one thing has struck me. He talks to his brothers and sister all the time, but rarely reaches out to me. I don't think its intentional or anything, if that makes sense. I am glad he is getting to know his brothers and sister (he definitely DOES consider them siblings, which is awesome)

but suddenly I'm feeling kind of "left out" I knwo that its my hang up... but still... Does/has anyone felt like this?

Thanks,
Ronney
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  #6  
Old 11-13-2012, 10:21 AM
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JustPeachy JustPeachy is offline
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I didn't have this issue in my reunion because I never had other children and my reunion with my son was just between the two of us with no other family members involved on either side. Having said that, it is perfectly normal to feel left out, and I know I would be feeling the same way as you under the circumstance. You are taking the best approach realizing this is "your issue" as you say, and I would recommend taking your son's lead on this and work through the feelings you are having (many other feelings will arise, as well) with a counselor or adoption support group, or in discussion here with people who have been there/done that. Reunion brings up a whole roller-coaster ride of feelings and it can easily get overwhelming. I would try to gently carve out some one-on-one time with your son (and YES, by all means you can refer to him as your SON, but before you call him son in person to his face, make sure to discuss with him how he prefers to be addressed - my son is fine with me calling him "son," other adoptees are not at all comfortable with it and that is OK too).

Good luck to you! It's an exciting time for sure, but know that you need to pace yourself and take time to process the strong emotions that will come up. No matter how prepared you are, you will still be blindsided with a lot of feelings. So take care of you as best as you can right now.
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Old 12-07-2012, 09:38 AM
tinaeilene tinaeilene is offline
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Thumbs up Perfectly Natural

I ran across your post and I can see this is weighing heavily on your heart, which is completely understandable. Just know that their bond being stronger in the beginning is perfectly natural. It is easier to relate to your own generation and to open up and bond with them faster. He may have grown up as an only child (not sure if you mentioned whether he had other siblings within his adoptive family) and if so he probably spent a good portion of his childhood wishing for siblings. This will cause a wave of euphoria when his dreams are finally a reality. Though he is probably ecstatic to have found you he grew up with a mother so to him there was not a completely empty void there that needed to be filled. You and his adoptive mother hold different spots in his heart but it is still the same family unit in a sense. Also the fact that you are a generation ahead of him may make it slightly harder for him to open up and show the same emotions and bonding right away. He also may feel that it will upset his adoptive mother on some level if he bonds too much with you. These are all perfectly natural and understandable fears or concerns when it comes to meeting a birthparent and trying to find a happy blend of two families. With time he will realize that you are not there to replace his other mom and that she doesn't feel threatened by your presence and that it is ok for him to open up and form that everlasting relationship with you like he is doing with his siblings. It is great that y'all have found each other and this is the beginning of an amazing journey. Try not to let this cast a shadow over the joys of being reunited. When it does seem overwhelming talk to your husband, he is already your support in this situation, don't be afraid to lean on him during these times. It is wonderful that you have him and your family during this time. Just remember that as confusing as this is for you or if it feels like it is a difficult time, your birthson is probably even more overwhelmed at the moment. He is much younger and may have questions running through his mind that he is afraid to ask and scared to hear the answers to. He will bond with his siblings and that will strengthen the bond he has with you. Let God work his magic and all will fall in to place. (I realize your post is about a month old and some things may have already changed drastically--hopefully they have for the better) Congrats on your reunion and best of luck with this new journey in life!!!
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Old 01-01-2013, 05:20 AM
JavaMonkey JavaMonkey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RonneyKay
UPDATE:

So Saturday night we chatted on Facebook. My 2 sons (who he DOES consider brothers), and he was EXTREMELY EXCITED to find out he has a sister.

It feels so liberating to be able to talk about this openly. However, one thing has struck me. He talks to his brothers and sister all the time, but rarely reaches out to me. I don't think its intentional or anything, if that makes sense. I am glad he is getting to know his brothers and sister (he definitely DOES consider them siblings, which is awesome)

but suddenly I'm feeling kind of "left out" I knwo that its my hang up... but still... Does/has anyone felt like this?

Thanks,
Ronney

I'm on the other side of the equation... just beginning a reunion with my birth mother and (hopefully soon) brother. I'm very eager to speak with my brother because I think it would make communication easier with my birth mom. I am having difficulty crafting letters to bmom without knowing who she really is inside. I don't want to write too much and overwhelm her, or too little and make her think I don't care. She might be feeling the same way about communicating with me. We're so closely related; but, we're also complete strangers. My hope is that through my brother, I can get a sense for who she is and that will make the communication easier.

Perhaps this is what is going on in your situation as well.
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