[thanksgivingmom]

I wrote this for my blog, but figured I could try it out here too.

I stare at this blank screen thinking about Safe Haven and what I want to write about. I realized recently that a lot of people know about Safe Haven in theory, but not necessarily in practice.

I lived Safe Haven, and while I have been looking to connect with other women that have used Safe Haven, or similar laws, I haven’t come up with much. Maybe it’s because women that use Safe Haven aren’t sitting in front of computers all day. Maybe it’s because women that use Safe Haven are trying to live the old school “Don’t think about it and you’ll get over it” – which we know isn’t true. And maybe it’s because women that use Safe Haven feel a unique kind of shame that keeps them quiet. Most of us hid our entire pregnancy, so why wouldn’t we continue to hide now?

While I don’t want birthmother horror stories to become a competition, because many of us have our fair share, and it doesn’t get us anywhere, I believe that Safe Haven birthmothers are a particularly silenced group.

Clearly, I am not terribly silenced. At least not in Cyber space.

And I do NOT profess to have the ability to speak for all Safe Haven birthmothers, just this one! But as I was looking into information about Safe Haven, both before AND after placement, I found very little information other than what the basic law was for any given state.

So, I offer you, ask a Safe Haven birthmom!

Seriously, ask anything. I’m a pretty open book, especially when I don’t know who it is I’m talking to.

thanksgivingmom@hotmail.com

Maybe your questions will give me some ideas about how to focus my Safe Haven thoughts…because right now, they’re all a little jumbled. And if it’s okay with you, I’ll be using some of the questions and the thoughts they provoke as part of my blog.

So please, if you have any questions, I will answer you to the best of my ability, and if I don’t have the answer, I will try to find it for you.

And please, note that there is a warning attached to this forum, that this is not the place to debate Safe Haven laws. If you want to do that PM me, and I’ll chat with you, but this is for support.

Thanks!

[loveajax]

TMom, I think it is great that you are doing this....

Right now, though, the only question I can think of is: who should I pick for my "pick one" pool for Sunday (I am very shallow)?

Actually, a question I have is, knowing NOW what you know and having experienced what you have experienced (isn't hindsight great!), would you have preferred to have worked with an agency/professional or somehow "selected" your DD's a parents? Did you ever think to do that during your pg? Did anyone know that you were pg? (I know your family did not). Thanks. I think you are totally brave and thoughtful and kind (I know you don't want to hear the brave part, but I really think about what you went thru and feel that way).

[shae961]

great job. I think its great you are talking about it. I know as an adoptive mom safe haven is great. I did not adopt my daughter that way but I would adopt one if I could that way.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks Shae - I got a little distracted from my writing about Safe Haven because of my face to face I got to have with DD's Mom, but I plan on getting back to it once work does down next week, and once I slowly descend from cloud nine!

[krajewskim]

First of all, thank you thanksgivingmom for putting Safe Haven law and its participants "out there". You are right, they are such a silenced group. We are fost/adopt parents that received our county's first Safe Haven baby and are in the process of adopting him. This is where more praise and prayers come in. We are in an open adoption with the bmom of our older child (H is 8). She stopped writing about a year ago, affectively closing the adoption. It saddens my heart and H's. We pray for her. We also pray for baby M's mom. We don't even know her and we are so proud of her. It must have taken all her strength and courage to do what she did. It would have been so simple to have an abortion and we are so grateful that she didn't. All we know is that she is a high-honors college student and that birth dad is "unknown". We know she took care of herself while she was pregnant. We guess (and it's probably wrong, but it fits what we were told by DHHR) that most high honors college students don't sleep around and that she either knows who dad is and doesn't want to tell or she really doesn't know because she was drugged and/or drunk at a party and raped. We think she didn't believe in abortion, but making "a plan" with an adoption agency was too painful, so she placed through safe haven. Does this even sound plausible? I would love to have an open adoption with her once we finalize, but is it violating her right to privacy because she placed through Safe Haven? I was thinking of putting an ad in the paper telling her thank you and that we love him and that we'll tell him that she loves him and that we'll leave our contact info at DHHR - always - if she wants to find us/him. Should we try that or should we just forget it? I imagine her sitting in a dorm room crying - her heart breaking. I know it's no where near the same, but DH and I are infertile and I've miscarried a lot of babies over the years and I know how much that hurt me. I can't imagine carrying to term and the hurt that must be there - even if you still believe the decision you made was the correct one for you and the baby at the time. I imagine her little heart must break at times for the aching want of her little angel. Sometimes, I hate adoption for that reason. I wanted to be a mom more than anything, but it's like organ transplant, I know that for me to get my wish, someone else must go through unspeakable pain and heartache. All I could do for H's mom was promise her that I would do my best to love him enough for both of us. Does anyone have any ideas about our bmom and how/if we should try and find her after we finalize? Sorry. I didn't mean this post to be so depressing. :-) Hope everyone had a blessed thanksgiving.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks for your questions! It's late-ish right now, so I know I won't be able to address your questions as best I should, but I wanted you to know I read your post and I will definitely respond in depth asap.

And congrats on your Safe Haven baby

[thanksgivingmom]

Krajewskim, sorry it took so long for me to get back to you...I'll try to respond to some of your questions though!

Originally Posted by krajewskim

All we know is that she is a high-honors college student and that birth dad is "unknown". We know she took care of herself while she was pregnant. We guess (and it's probably wrong, but it fits what we were told by DHHR) that most high honors college students don't sleep around and that she either knows who dad is and doesn't want to tell or she really doesn't know because she was drugged and/or drunk at a party and raped. We think she didn't believe in abortion, but making "a plan" with an adoption agency was too painful, so she placed through safe haven. Does this even sound plausible?

I can't speak to what she was thinking or where she was mentally with placing this way. She very well could have known the birthfather, not known the birthfather, dated the birthfather. Just because she didn't divulge at placement doesn't mean that she doesn't know and won't share that information at a later time. I think that making a plan with an adoption agency isn't necessarily that it's too painful, but that it makes it real. And for me (getting my Masters during pregnancy) and maybe for your child's birthmom, focusing on school was priority to making yourself DEAL with the pregnancy and placement. Not necessarily good reasons, but just a shot in the dark there.

Originally Posted by krajewskim

I would love to have an open adoption with her once we finalize, but is it violating her right to privacy because she placed through Safe Haven? I was thinking of putting an ad in the paper telling her thank you and that we love him and that we'll tell him that she loves him and that we'll leave our contact info at DHHR - always - if she wants to find us/him. Should we try that or should we just forget it?

I never would have taken the first step towards opening the adoption. DD's Mom left me a letter at the hospital and the SW called to let me know and tell me that I could pick it up if I wanted to. She put the ball in my court and let me know how to get a hold of her. It wasn't until that moment that I realized I wanted desperately to see my daughter through her life, even if only in pictures, and to know about her life, even if only in updates.

I would be concerned about the publicity of a newspaper however...how long ago was his placement? That might make a difference in if I would be responsive to it. You could post on websites like this that you are in search of her, that way only people related to adoption (presumably) will really be looking...if she's an honors student in college my guess would be that she definitely has access to computers and the internet and might be accessing support sites herself.

I'll let you know if I think of anything else. Good luck!

[krajewskim]

Thanksgivingmom,

Thanks for the reply. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I ended up breaking my ankle last weekend and my mom had surgery this week. Wheew!

I like your idea about not going through the newspaper. I was concerned that she might have hidden the pg. and that her parents could be local, see the ad, put 2 and 2 together and get very upset with her. She doesn't need anymore stress than she's already got! I also liked the idea your adoptive family had about leaving a note at the hospital. I forgot that the hospitals have social workers, too.

I wasn't going to leave anything until we finalize. Our state is still a little jittery when it comes to open adoptions, but I really think they can do everyone in the triad a world of good if people's hearts are in the right place. So, by the time I left the note at the hospital or started searching here, he will probably be about a year old. If I may be so bold to ask, when did your DD's family contact you? Do you think a year is enough time? I guess, especially if I leave messages here, it gives her the option of responding when she's ready. Where are the most likely websites she would be, or in other words, besides here can you think of anywhere else I could post? My heart just breaks for her. I think of her and come close to tears. The not knowing has to be sooooo hard. Thank you again for all your opinions and information. The "experts" who usually dole out information to AP's only know what the research says. It's nice to have information from a real "expert" who's lived it and really knows what they're talking about, even if it is only one experience in a sea of many. Thank you again and again and again.....

Megan

[thanksgivingmom]

Megan, I'm sorry to hear about your broken ankle and your Mom's surgery! I hope you're both okay!

My DD's Mom left the note at the hospital when DD was four days old. I contacted the SW directly and we had communication through the SW until after finalization. After finalization we had a face to face.

Please, if you come up with ANY other questions feel free to ask them! I would rather have people be able to ask thier questions and be able to discuss things than not be able to.

[stelleshope]

Hi Thanksgiving Mom!

I'm new to these forums, (my husband & I are a potential adoptive family) and reading your story as well as many of the posts on this site by moms who've chosen to place their baby for adoption has been very important for me. We have three natural daughters whom we've raised with the attachment parenting style. Having these parenting experiences starting from each of their births has made me very sensitive to the importance of keeping mom & baby together---whenever possible. I've learned a lot about the pain that a mother feels when this isn't possible, thanks to you & others who are brave enough to share your stories. For a time, awhile back, after reading the book, The Primal Wound, I was even questioning whether it was right for us to even be attempting to adopt. Isn't it better to try to provide whatever helps a mother might need---if possible---so she can raise her child herself? Fortunately, we are part of a very small agency who follows this sort of philosophy (which is part of the reason we're still waiting 3+ years later). (This is reflected in the fact that our attorney's fees for the entire adoption are in the hundreds rather than the thousands and tens of thousands I see everywhere else.)

I'll cut to the chase. Your posts are making me wonder if it is best if we look to become adoptive parents only if a mother decides to place her baby through the Safe Haven laws, as this situation is one in which her decision is made by herself presumably without coercion by others who stand to make a profit from that decision and is a way to show support for loving moms who choose a safe place for their baby, whom they are unable to care for at that time. (I don't mean to imply that every agency is coercive and looking to separate moms & babies, I just mean that going this route would necessarily prevent that possibility.) What do you think as a mother who chose this route? If we do go this way, could we still possibly have an "open" connection with the child's natural mother, if she so desired? (I am very interested in such a connection for the sake of the mom & especially the child involved, whom I feel deserves this for the sake of his or her psychological development.)

Thank you so much for your courage to speak for those who may feel voiceless and thanks for your consideration of these matters.

--Stelle

P.S. I also don't mean to imply that adoptive parents seeking a child in another way is in any way "wrong"--just that other ways might not be the right choice for US.

[Daisha]

I have a question and a comment...first I just wanted to say that Safe Haven is in my opinion probably one of the BEST laws ever passed!! I just think that is was inspired. It gives scared women an option that she wouldn't otherwise have.

My question is (and I have wondered this for quite a while)...how do adoptive parents like my husband and I get our names, etc. out there to be eligable to adopt a baby placed through Safe Haven?

In a couple weeks...we will have a current homestudy (this will be our second adoption)...so, what steps do we take from there?

[thanksgivingmom]

Daisha, I'll PM you some of the info I have re: how DD's Mom became her Mom! I've written some notes below re: some of the downsides of Safe Haven placements as well. Best of luck in your journey, whichever way it takes you!!!

Stelle - While I wasn't coerced into my decision, that's not to say that ALL safe haven mom's aren't. Some may be forced to place by thier child's bfathers, some may not be in safe situations and be placing for thier survival, etc. The social worker at the agency my daughter was placed through is CONSTANTLY reminding parents not to look at A (my daughter) as the model of a Safe Haven baby/placement. They can be high legal risk because there is no TPR signed. They can be high legal risk because of birthfather issues. They often have a high risk of the child being drug/alcohol exposed.

My situation wasn't a risk in any of those situations, but many are. It was a wonderful miracle that my daughters adoption is now open, at her Mother's suggestion. I would never have followed up and asked for an open adoption but she reached out to me and left a letter at the hospital. It was by complete chance that I even returned to the hospital to see DD, many first mothers that place through Safe Haven do not return (at least that's my understanding from the sw's I have spoken to).

Thanks for the questions!