[thanksgivingmom]

So I gave this forum a week or so before I started a thread to see if anyone else would come out of the woodwork. As far as I know I am a.com's "Resident Safe Haven Birthmom." Any others out there? Lurking around maybe? Any Aparents that have adopted a Safe Haven Baby? (I would LOVE to hear from you too).

It has been my expereince, that the way in which I, (we?) placed is a unique one and I know that there are many things I share in common with other birthmothers on this board, like our love for our children and our desire for them to find happiness. My "plan" was not like thier plan though. And while it may not seem like it to some others, it was in fact a plan. I knew that I would utilize the Safe Haven Laws in my state from fairly early on in the pregnancy.

For me, admitting that I used Safe Haven was very challenging. Like it was a step down from being a birthmother that chose her childs parents and went a more traditional route with an agency or through private adoption. That the stigma would be that I was so unstable that I couldn't even get it together enough to have my baby in a hospital. Many of the women here know me, and know that this isn't true, but it was hard to deal with at first. If you don't want to share your Safe Haven story openly on the forums, please feel free to PM me. It might be that I'm the only one on here, but if not, please let me know.

[Mommy24]

TG~ I just love you girl!! (((hugs)))))

[luvmylittlegirls]

Hi Thanksgivingmom,

I have a question.... and if it's too personal please feel free to totally ignore it, but I was wondering why you chose Safe Haven instead of the other more common ways of placing your baby? You said you made this decision early on in your pregnancy... which factor/s made it more appealing to you? Again, if this is too personal (and it IS clearly none of my business, unless you choose to share) please just ignore me I'm just curious.

[thanksgivingmom]

I'll share (although be prepared for it to possibly be completely irrational).

I was fairly blindsided by the pregnancy (as many of us are) and was doing quite a few things to ensure that pregnancy would not occur, and then it did. I largely tried to deny the pregnancy very early on as I was finishing my masters program. I always kind of knew I would not raise this baby. I can't really explain it, but I was just in this crazy combo of shock and denial.

The one thing I absolutely knew was that if my family got involved I would raise the baby. I would love to raise her, really, but (and I know this sounds selfish, or it does to me) but I had just about killed myself to get through undergrad and grad school in six years and was still (am still) living at home and just wanted to get a job and establish myself and thought I would never get anywhere...

So, since my family could NOT in my mind know about this pregnancy I didn't figure I could do the whole find an agency, go to the hospital, have the baby, etc. That there would be a paper trail, that someone would find out, call my house and accidentaly talk to my mom. So I researched Safe Haven Laws in my state (Safe Surrender here). I checked that the hospital closest to me (where I was born) was a SH site. I made my plan. I would leave the house when I went into labor, say I was staying at a friends house. I would have the baby (I didn't think clearly where I guss, a hotel? I know, what was I thinking!) and take the baby to the hospital. If it took longer I would say my friend was having a crisis and stay longer.

As it turns out, I went into labor late the night before Thanksgiving. I helped everyone cook in the morning, then went to my room, and then my family left my house, I stayed home saying I really didn't feel well. A couple hours later I gave birth in my bedroom. I cleaned up as best I could, wrapped the baby up in a blanket, and drove the few blocks to the hospital with her on my lap. I stayed at the hospital for awhile (not very long, a little over an hour probably) and drove myself home...

I realize this was more than what you asked but figured I would just put it out there. This is pretty much just the basics of the story as factual as I could make it. I just knew that at the hospital, she would be well taken care of, and that's all I ever wanted for her.

Looking back, I realize that I probably could have done the whole agency thing in secret, but the whole hospital thing really freaked me out. My mom works contractually at the hospital where she was left and knows EVERYONE there, so I was really afraid of being found out that way...like I said? Logical? Possibly not, but maybe I can pretend to blame it on pregnancy hormones...

[InBlindFaith]

(((TG))) I know you can't be alone. Maybe others haven't figured out yet that it is safe to talk about it.

Love you Sis!

[mom2GRLC]

I have a couple more questions if you don't mind just out of curiousity.

1) When you were living with your parents didn't they suspect a pregnancy because of your growing tummy? Or did you just hide it very well?How can someone not know? Especially if they're giving you hugs goodbye and stuff? Did anyone suspect or ask you anything?

2) Weren't you scared to have the baby all by yourself? No medicine, no one there to help you in case something went wrong? How did you know exactly what to do and when? Did you cut the cord yourself or just let the hospital do it?

I just found out I am pregnant and I can't imagine how scary it would be to go through labor and delivery all by yourself. How did you make it through? What were your feelings after you left the hosptial?

Can't you do the safe heaven thing while still giving birth to the child in the hospital?

[Free_to_be_me]

I just wanted to let you know that even though you might be the "Resident Safe Haven Birthmom" you're not alone. I'm glad you are here.

I'm also happy that you feel comfortable enough to share your story. It's an impressive one and I think it shows a lot of strength. Your posts have given me a lot to think about as far as different ways to make adoption plans and safe haven laws are concerned. I appreciate that...

[thanksgivingmom]

I don't mind answering questions, and if I do, don't worry, I won't be offended and will let you know.

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I have a couple more questions if you don't mind just out of curiousity.

1) When you were living with your parents didn't they suspect a pregnancy because of your growing tummy? Or did you just hide it very well?How can someone not know? Especially if they're giving you hugs goodbye and stuff? Did anyone suspect or ask you anything?

I didn't really grow very much until the last couple months. I had a boyfriend (not A's bfather) up until mid Sept and he never noticed. We weren't sleeping together or anything but it was summer and he saw my stomach and he hugged me often. Then I started to gain weight and I wore a lot of sweatshirts. One person that was a customer in my restaurant said "So are you in a womanly way or are you just getting fat?" I called him a name I cannot say on the boards and walked away. Other than that no one even out in public asked, no usual "how far along are you?" situations. I also was looking for a job at the time and was kind of depressed that nothing had worked out so I blamed some weight gain on that.

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

2) Weren't you scared to have the baby all by yourself? No medicine, no one there to help you in case something went wrong? How did you know exactly what to do and when? Did you cut the cord yourself or just let the hospital do it?

I was sort of scared I guess, not for me, but for the baby, but just knew we would get through this. I tracked my contractions all through the night and the next day, how long they lasted, how far apart they were...I didn't even take an aspirin when I was in labor. I knew I was REALLY close to a fire station and a hospital and that I could get us there immediately if I had to. I gave birth (apologizing to her the whole time for some reason, like I was hurting her) looked at her, said, cry, baby, cry. She started to cry right away and I scooped her up and hugged her. I cleaned her off, cut her umbilical cord and clamped it with a clip I had next to my bed ready. I guess you can learn a lot from the internet...However afterbirth was not part of my research...(Sorry if thats TMI!!!)

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I just found out I am pregnant and I can't imagine how scary it would be to go through labor and delivery all by yourself. How did you make it through? What were your feelings after you left the hosptial?

Can't you do the safe heaven thing while still giving birth to the child in the hospital?

Congrats on your pregnancy. I guess I had many months to prepare to do it my way. I wanted peace and quiet and serene and very calm and that's what I did. I didn't scream (okay, maybe once)...I just knew I HAD to make it through so I did.

Even if I could have used Safe Haven at the hospital I wouldn't have because of my Mom situation (it's in the above post).

I never even got sad about doing it alone until recently. I secretly LOVED that it was just me and my daughter. That I held her first and saw her first, and that nobody told me it was a girl, but that I saw her and knew. I heard her cry first and I swear I saw her smile first that very night. I held her while she fell asleep first, and selfish or not, I don't share those moments with anyone but her. And I will never again be able to say that, so I cherish that time with her.

[thanksgivingmom]

BIG hugs and thanks to Roni and Momchelle too! My big sis's rock

and Free, thanks for your kind words.

[browneyes0707]

TG, you know I told you this, but I wanted to share itso EVERYONE could read. My friends and I were discussing adoption the other night, and one of the girls said she had a lot of respect for Safe Haven moms, so I told them your story and they both said they give you so much credit for your strength (one of my girls is a recent mom was well, so it meant a lot as a b-mom tyo hear that!)

I too had a pregnancy I kept secret (for me , Mom,to answer your question, I carried fairly small, even though my DD was over 8 lbs at birth. I ran into b-dad at 6 months, and he had no clue I was still pregnant. It was during the early 90's leggings and big sweatshirt phase. I was also away at school , so I only saw my family on breaks, which were not often)

But if there had been safe haven laws at that time, I probably would have opted for that as well, except I would have delivered in the hospital (does that mean it's not safe haven?)

I was matched privately, and the a mom did everything she could to make sure the identity of b-dad and I were safe from our families learning before I wass ready to tell them.

[lahdh4]

(((TG))) I know that you are probably not only one out there but might just be the only one to talk about it and I am glad that you are.

[rsbg]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am in awe of your strength (to deliver alone, with no meds, to make sure your baby was taken care of and to tell your story). I am sure there are others that have utilized Safe Haven, but I would assume not many know there is a safe place to discuss it. Again, thank you for sharing your story.