[tbristow]

DS is 150% boy and is 5.5. We've really had no problems with him since he came home over 4.5 years ago. He started kindergarten about 6 weeks ago and things seem to have gone downhill ever since. He has a fairly strict teacher. Another post has covered the green-yellow-red issue. Our school does the same. The first few were a mixture of green and yellow. Then came the red (usually for not keeping his hands to himself). He told us that in pre-school, the teachers told him to defend himself (if somebody hit him, he was ot hit them back). We didn't find that out until after he spent 4 years there. Needless to say that didn't go over well at the public school. He has now been to the principal's office 3 times over what I would term as aggression. I'm still floored over the need to send a 5-year-old to the office, but whatever... At any rate, we've grounded, taken the tv away, taken carnivals and other things away and it seems to be getting worse at school rather than better (one trip to the principal was Thursday and one yesterday and he was on red today). DH and I are really stressed out and DS is miserable. He was happy-go-lucky and bouncy before school started. I've requested that he meet with the counselor but she has a sick child and hasn't been in.

Just a little history, there is nothing in kindergarten that they can teach him academically. If it wasn't for maturity, I could've sent him straight to first grade and never missed a beat.

I can't quit work (deadbeat ex-DH sees to that) because it's not financially possible. I could try to find a 2nd or 3rd shift job, but that would prevent me from seeing my 13-year-old or DH at all. Private school would stretch us far more than we need to be, but may be an option.

He's not much of a problem at home or I'd give Nanny 911 a try...sigh. I'm desperate!! Have any of you been there? What worked and what didn't?

[Provost21]

Nate was the same way at school. An absolute nightmare! Yes, he also was sent to the principal's office - yikes! Anyway, I would suggest meeting with the teacher and whomever she thinks would be a good fit. When the teacher finds out you definitely want to hear her/his input I found that they work so much better with your child. Thats my case anyway. You are right- taking away things do not work but just makes it worse at home. Nate has gotten better by leaps and bounds. I brought the teacher info to the doctor along with how he is at home and we did choose to start him on meds- that a whole different story though Personally, I would start with a teacher meeting to find out exactly what is going on. I think you will get a lot of feedback from the school on exactly how he is acting and in what situation then hopefully together you can come up with a solution. Best of luck- I know how stressful it is- I said I cannot believe how much stress kindergarten can bring!!!

[Kasey]

I am sure this is all so frustrating for you and him. It sounds like alot of what preschool taught needs to be untaught.
The previous school thread made some interesting points especially about not carrying the punishment over at home if it was handled at school. It sounds like he is so confused and frustrated because how he was taught to handle himself previously in school is now completely different, not to mention he is probably in a more structured environment. I agree meeting with teacher and school counselor would be the way to go. Try to get a really good idea of when the issues are arising, certain periods throughout the day or specific times or following certain activities. Is the teacher consistent in terms of her colors for behaviors. Then try to work out a plan of action with the school. It may be they need to make some accomodations for him I would also try to have talks with your son, non accusatory and supportive, to try and understand what he is thinking or why he reacts the way he does. Does something or someone precipiate his behavior? What does he think is happening and what does he understand of the behavior and consequences?
We had a more issues last year in pre-k at 4.5 yrs and especially in terms of aggression and acting out in the beginning of the school year. The professional we spoke with helped put alot in perspective and we also worked with his teacher and school to help recognize and prevent his behaviors from happening. As he tends to be a little more of a sensory seeker, they made sure to give him those outlets (and actually incorporated the class) before transitioning to sit down activities. I was holding my breath for kindergarten this year, so sure the summer to school transition would be rough but knocking on wood it has been really well and I think a large part of it is because DS knows how to handle himself and his body now.
Hopefully you can get a clearer picture of the whole situation and be able to work together with his teacher and school to get back on track.
Best wishes to you guys!!

[FourAndDone]

I could have written the same post last year. It honestly took until Christmas break for things to get better at my house. The simplest solution I found was to move their bed time back earlier. As it turned out, they were just flat exhausted and the rowdiness was their little bodies trying to deal with being too tired.

Diane
Mom to 3 litte boys turning into little men

[Kasey]

Good point Diane and so true, we keep joking how easy bedtime is nowbecause he is so exhausted from school.
I think it is big if they were in a day care setting prior and used to taking a "nap" or having that rest time to going to school and not having that at all on top of the extra physical and mental activity.

[MenloAve]

Oh, how confusing for him. He is following the rules he was taught and now getting into trouble. Maybe, you can spin it a bit that he is learning something many people don't learn until they are older - everyone has different rules and you have to figure out what they are and then play by them. Use soccer, basketball, etc as an example. Each sport has their own rules just like each school, each house, etc. His job is to learn them and then play by those rules. You are his coach and you will be there to help him learn them.

Meeting with the teacher is essential. But before you do that read - yes the whole thing - the behavior matrix. You will probably find like many of our parents that yellow isn't anything to be concerned about. At least at our school it is almost given if they have to remind your child of a rule.

The consequences at home can be different than what you listed and more directly related to helping him figure out how to conrtrol himself. So if he brings home yellow - no consequence. (Maybe he is escalating at school once on yellow because he already knows he is in trouble.)

If he brings home orange. Think like a coach would if a kid didn't play as good in a game. You don't ground, you move bedtime earlier (since he needed more sleep) and add extra protein to breakfast the next day (I've been told to do this to decrease stress.) You can tell them that as their rule coach you are making a special breakfast to help them concentrate better.

Reds or calls to the office I still think need to be recognized at home - but maybe in a different way. Perhaps instead of saying no TV you just do no TV because instead you- as the coach are calling a practice. Practice how to handle whatever happened at school and how to manage it (use a skit or other active way to practice), practice breathing exercises - early bedtime, read a book about sharing, more protein for breakfast, etc.

When on green have a celebration at home. Not because he was on green, but because he did such a great job learning how to control himself and follow other peoples rules. -IE he won the game!

Ask the teacher to always send home an explanation of the problem and their recommended solution. That way you can practice the solution through skits and role playing.

The teacher and the counselor should be able to put together a plan for you and your child to help at least keep them out of the office.

Good luck!

[angelkisses0102]

I'll be honest here...I believe that a lot us who adopted infants begin to see the effects of their early lives once our children are school age.

Has your son ever been fully evaluated by someone familiar with PI adoptees? The statement 150% boy raises some red flags to me...what exactly do you mean by it? Because if he is a very active, inattentive, wiggly child (both of mine are outside the realm of normal activity wise) there can be various reasons why...besides simply being a boy. Remember he is in a class with other boys, yet his behavior is showing up as an issue in the classroom. ADD/ADHD, sensory issues/being overstimulated, auditory processing issues, visual processing issues, unresolved attachment issues, trauma/anxiety, or even a medical issue, etc...all display very similiar traits I would relate to 150% boy.

My DD (8 and in third grade) is true ADHD (highly impulsive) and has minor sensory issues...she needed to be medicated beginning in second grade because she was literally wiggling right out of her chair. She has alwways been at above grade level in everything...but she is delayed in both social and emotional development. This is actually more important in the early elementary years than learning...IMHO.

My DS (turned 6 this summer and is repeating Kindy due mainly due to social/emotional immaturity) displays ADHD-like behaviors along with sensory issues...he too is highly impulsive as well. For highly impulsive kiddos...they have no idea what they are doing until they have already done it. They can NOT control their behaviors until the underlying issue is addressed...whatever it may be. DS requires being in a high functioning 'special needs' classroom to allow him and his classmates to learn. No amount of discipline/punishment would ever have changed his behaviors until we understood the why's of them.

DS has other issues that are in play here as well...he was diagnosed with moderate to severe juvenile rheumatoid arthrits in April of this year and has serious vision issues...also uncovered in April. Both of these play a role in DS's behavioral issues (which are actually very minor...but again he is in a smaller classroom with a very experienced teacher and aide.) We now believe he has been in pain since July of 2007...so of course the poor kid couldn't concentrate or sit still (his arthtitis is in his toes, knee, hips, shoulders and elbows.) He also couldn't see very well...so he would again look like he was having behavioral issues. Now that we are addressing the arthritis and vision issues...he is doing so much better.

DS has an IEP...which allows him the accommadtions he needs to learn...while allowing the other kids in his class to learn as well. DD has nothing (no 504 or IEP) but I work with the school with her. They did a child study on her in Feb of 2008...it involved six professionals amd DH and I...and then we all got together for a couple of hours to discuss the results. We then worked with our own doctors, the school, her teachers and devised a plan that allows everyone in the classroom to learn. I have a close relationship with both kids teachers. In fact I just got a email from DD's teacher today regarding 'our' plan for working with DD on her social struggles that are starting to reappear. Nothing major, yet, but the teacher knows I must be involved immediately or they could spiral out of control.

So I guess my long winded point is it's probably time to dig a little deeper to figure exactly why he is struggling so.

Oh and both my kids are known in the office at school...I think that for many kids the change of environment helps them...and allows the teacher to teach...everyone.

Good luck...it's tough but once things get better (and they will) you will appreciate it so much!

ETA~ We looked at private schools and they would have actually been much worse for us. DS had a little girl transfer into his class after the first week of school because the private school that was certain they would be fine with her...wasn't and asked her to leave. Actually, she is no longer in DS's class even...her needs were consuming 80-90% of the teacher's time...so she was moved to an even more specialized classroom setting. I should also note, we are very lucky to have a great public school...like DS's high functioning special needs multi-age classroom and DD's true multi-age classroom (a great option for busy and intelligent kiddos.) I know not all public schools are the same...we just got blessed with this one.

[pwnort64]

I am dealing with similar issues. DS is 6 and started 1st grade this year. He did kindergarten in a private montessori school that he had attended since 18 months. So this is the big transition year for him that kindergarten is for most other kids.

Our color system has 5 colors...start at dragon, then green, blue, yellow and red. As far as the "color" of the day, the agreement I have reached with my son is that for green and blue, there will be no consequences at home as he had to deal with whatever the consequences were while he was in school. However, he DOES need to be open and honest about what the infractions were that caused the color change so that we can discuss it and review the expected behavior. It took him a while to believe that this was the case, but now he will come home and tell be "Mom, I was blue today because I did X and Y." Then we discuss X and Y and how he might have handled himself better. And the discussion is over. It's not too stressful for him, helps him know that the expected behavior at school will be reinforced and supported from home, and keeps me in the loop on what's going on with him and what's in his head.

However, separate and aside from the color system, his teacher has called me to tell me that he is having anxiety that exhibits itself as anger towards the other children. He has yelled and screamed at them, he has tried to hit the teacher, and he exhibited some self-destructive behavior.

I am so grateful that the teacher can look behind the actual behavior to see that there is something else going on other than him just being "bad". She called me during the second week of school and asked to bring the counselor in to work with him. I was beyond thrilled to have this kind of help. He meets weekly and at other times as needed and they are trying to determine what is behind the anxiety. It may just be a matter of settling into the new routines of a new school. It may be some perfectionist tendencies. Or it may other things that we just aren't sure about yet.

I also just placed a huge order with Amazon for books on helping children deal with stress. A couple are for me to read, and then there is a handful to read with him to help give him some coping techniques. Time will tell how this will play out.

I would say to keep working with the school and particularly get the counselor involved.

[saranbr]

We had very similar issues last year with DS in K. His circumstance is a little different as he came home at 4.5 yrs and was English delayed, but the behavior sounds very similar. Things started okay for the first week and went straight down hill from there to the point he was destroying things and got suspended a total of three days by Christmas.

I supported the teacher/principal/psychologist 100% at home, made behavior charts to correlate with theirs, disciplined at home, etc and things continued to get worse. I would have taken him out but he refused/refuses to learn ANYTHING from me so that was not an option if I was to maintain sanity. He worked his way through the system-- behavior chart at the table-->extra aide in the classroom-->behavioral aide assigned specifically to him and then finally got put in a self contained special ed behavior program where he has done very well. He is due to transition out of that soon since being in since last Feb. It really came down to the fact that they were not adequately consequencing him at school and he was not connecting the consequences at home to school so he'd be horrid there, come home and get consequences all evening at home. When he got into the behavior program, we stopped (per teacher policy) all discipline for school at home and the teacher quit calling about behavior and just handled it. Once he knew the teacher was serious he shaped right up. You may need to step back a bit at home and let the school know that home intervention really isn't working and they need to get some consequences going.

As an aside, I don't think private school would have helped. My DD will be going to private as it is my preference, but DS had to go some place that had a program in place for extreme behavior/attachment type kids and it is the public system that deals with most of the foster kids, etc.

[angelkisses0102]

OP~How's it going?