[amyfk]

Hi to theList,

Earlier today we went to a Jewish New Year's Party. I ended up meeting another lady there who adopted a boy domestically through the foster care system.

After the party on the way home in the car I told Joanna that this other little boy was adopted. She asked if he was from Russia. I said "No, some kids are adopted from Russia, some from the United States and some from other countries." I also mentioned that some kids grow in the bellies of the mom they live with and others grow in other womens' bellies(birthmothers). Joanna and i have had discussions about adoption before. She doesnt go into depth about her adoption, but earlier today and once before she asked me point blank "How do babies come out of the mother's belly?"

Basically I was floored. She will be four on Halloween Day. I have gotten the feeling before that Joanna may be a gifted child. But this was not what I expected so far! I just sorta said, "We'll discuss this when youre older."

Any advice on how to tackle this one with a child so young? I figured Id have to deal with this at some point, but with a preschooler? Any advice especially from child psychologists, development experts would be appreciated.

I will pick up my messages tomorrow evening.

Thanks in advance,
Amy K, NJ

[kakuehl]

Tell her in simple terms and don't get too detailed - something like "there's a special tube called the vagina that they come out when it's time." Be as matter of fact as possible, just as you were when you talked about how some babies are adopted from different places and some grow in the mother's belly. (Ultimately all babies grow in some woman's belly! LOL). My daughter was about 3 when she asked why she and her brother looked different and she didn't have "one of those." I told her boys had penises and girls had vaginas. (Unfortunately she went around for a short period of time asking people if they had a 'gina? Luckily, most people didn't know what she was saying.)

[MamaChinch]

This has been accepted by my four year old:
There are different "tubes or holes" in a woman's body:
The pee-pee hole, the baby hole and the poo-poo hole. I use the correct terms for each. When the baby is ready, after it has grown for nine months, (it takes that long until the baby is big enough and ready) it comes out the baby hole and the woman is at the hospital and the doctor is there and helps to makes sure everybody is healthy.
Mine bacame fascinated by the whole umbilical cord thing and there was another discussion about that!

Children cannot really conceptuallize how a baby comes out of woman's tummy. These have been seperate discussions than adoption with my dd. She gets that some families have babies born from tummies and some families have babies from adoption.
Answer the questions she asks, no more, no less. I really think it's a physical question, they do not understrand the vagina expanding to accommadate a baby coming out. Explain it simply and she might be satisfied. I learn to first understand what it is they are questioning. We sometimes freak out because we understand the WHOLE process. Right now, it appears she just wants to know how the baby gets out of a woman's tummy.
Good luck!!! It's always frightening when your child is asking questions you are not ready for!!! BTDT!!!

[Kasey]

My oldest had asked first at 3 and then 4 and it usually coincided with a friend having a baby. It always caught me off guard so I usually just told him that the doctor at the hospital helps. That seemed to be enough. Although he did ask how they get in a mommy's tummy and I just said it was something that can happen when mommies and daddies are older and love each other. He then said to me, wow D and J (our friends) love each other alot, they have 5 kids!
At 4 when he asked again he wanted more details, and kept questioning it, so I think I said something like A mommy and a daddy make a baby by holding each other in a special way". Then he wanted to know what that special way was, so I told him it was something you learned when you got older like mommy and daddy.
He is very curious about everything and while we use correct terminology in terms of body parts and have had discussions regarding our private parts, I dont think he is ready for anything more detailed. It is common for preschoolers to start to ask these questions and notice the difference between boys and girls. I know my friends all have said their 3 yo have asked the questions to and we all compare notes. It is nice when the short simple answers suffices and they are back playing!
It is hard sometimes though to keep things simple!
Good luck!!

[bromanchik]

I read my kids "Mommy Laid an Egg". It is accurate and simple.

[sak9645]

We're pretty easygoing about the discussion of parts of the body.

When Becca was somewhere between three and four, she asked me whether Mommies had to be cut open so that the babies could come out of the uterus.

I explained that most Mommies don't need to be cut open. Most babies come out through a special hole in their bottom, called the vagina. But once in a while, if there is a problem and it's hard for the baby to come out, they do a special operation called a caesarean section to take the baby out.

Becca asked if she had a vagina, and I told her that all girls and women have a vagina, in case they have a baby someday, and I explained where it was located.

That was all that she asked for a couple of months. And then, one day, while I was driving, Becca said, "But, Mommy, how does the baby get INTO the tummy?"

And that was a whole 'nother discussion.

Sharon

[tigger44]

I think it's common for our kiddos to ask these questions earlier than most, because we're discussing the issue of adoption, growing in another woman's tummy, etc. with them earlier than most "traditional" families do.

As others have stated, I answered the question matter of factly, simply, and DD accepted it fine. When she asked "How'd the baby get in?" I answered "There's a special way God designed for that." And she was fine with that, for now.

[amyfk]

HI

Thanks to youall for your input. I didnt have time to write back until this evening. I had a busy day.
I am not sure as of age three whether to tell her the baby comes out of the vagina yet? Or just use a simple term as the baby hole?
I went to the public library and asked the librariand for any books. The kiddie books were either vague or specific. I didnt know which way to go. The parenting books talked in third person and didnt talk directly on what age to use what terms etc. They were also dated. I was hoping there was a book out there more current and telling parents which way they should go.
I will look for Mom Laid an Egg. They didnt have it or the librarian didnt give it to me.
Im also thinking of calling the adoption social worker to ask her opinion on what to do. I just dont know what age is too early to start.
And Im afraid of what you mentioned Sak, once they find out how the kid comes out, they'll want to know how they get in....LOL.....I figured ID deal with this at age 7 or so......
Thank you all. Ill read over your ideas later again when I have more time to digest it all.
Amy K, NJ

[mcanvasback]

Well, personally, I try not to overthink this stuff. It's small potatoes imo as every kid will want to know ths stuff eventually. Isabella has not asked yet but as she approaches 4, I expect it any day, as is normal. She has just not seen anyone pregnant yet.

As with the other, posters I plan to keep it simple. I think a good rule of thumb is to just say as much as you have to to satisfy the immediate questions.

My bigger concern is explaining why she didn't grow in my tummy, and why she doesn't have a daddy, and how she grew in someone else's tummy if there is no daddy....etc etc.

Intellectually I know the right words to say but it's hard for me to think about saying them. She knows she was born in Kyrgyzstan, that she lived in a 'house' with lots of other babies and that Mommy brought her home on an airplane. That's it so far.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread.

[jenbmom]

I'm in agreement with folks here, and pieceofmyheart describes the situation and response very well. Just about every child that I know if, including my own (both adopted and not), asked how babies are born by the ages of 3 or 4. It's really common and we just answered very simply and made it no big deal. Our DD knows she didn't come from my belly since it "got sick" and she knows that a woman in Russia gave birth to her. We talk about it anytime she asks and keep it really open and easy. That type of approach allows the converation to get off to an easy start. And....there will be many harder questions than that along the way!

[pwnort64]

I agree with the approach of a simple answer. She's not looking for the long, scientific/medical explanation of how a baby is born. Just the simple answer that there is a special hole in the mommy's body where the baby comes out. At least that's how I answered the question a few years ago and it satisfied my DS.

Mel...if you don't already have it, go get "I Love You Like Crazy Cakes". It's about a single mom that adopts from China...we adapt it our own story, but I think it covers the "single" aspect of it great. We just substitute the right gender and country as we read.

[amyfk]

Hi

Thank you all for your help. I want to keep it simple as well. I just wonder if I tell her there is a hole in the mom's body where the baby comes from she'll ask where. My kid is very swift.
Today we were driving in the car and she asked me "Why did Michael Jackson die?" I told her he did bad things to his body. I think once before when it happened I told her he took too many pills. So she asked me today why he took too many pills.
She is too inquisitive.
My social worker is probably out tomorrow as she works for Jewish Family Services and the big Jewish holidays are this weekend.
I will call her next week to see how to specifically couch it.
Thank you all for your help,
Amy K, NJ

[mcanvasback]

Originally Posted by amyfk

Hi

Thank you all for your help. I want to keep it simple as well. I just wonder if I tell her there is a hole in the mom's body where the baby comes from she'll ask where. My kid is very swift.
Today we were driving in the car and she asked me "Why did Michael Jackson die?" I told her he did bad things to his body. I think once before when it happened I told her he took too many pills. So she asked me today why he took too many pills.
She is too inquisitive.
My social worker is probably out tomorrow as she works for Jewish Family Services and the big Jewish holidays are this weekend.
I will call her next week to see how to specifically couch it.
Thank you all for your help,
Amy K, NJ

This is also the age where they start to talk about death. Isabella asks about her Grampy, then a few months later she will ask the same questions again.

I am just curious - not judgemental - how does Joanna know Michael Jackson died? Isabella wouldn't even know who he is - she doesn't watch regular tv, just her dvd's. That is just what works best for her/us. I miss my Good Morning America, but there you go. Again, just curious, not judging.

[Kasey]

I agree, they are so curious and inquisitive at this age from their bodies to death. You have to stay on your toes. I never know what they will ask me next.
In the spring we lost both our dogs within 2 months of each other and the amount of questions and discussions we had about death (some of the things they asked amazed me), had me joking with DH I would rather be talking about sex with them!

[votemom]

if she presses on the "hole" topic, i'll tell you what i said to my kids:

"there is a special opening on a woman's body that is for the baby to come out. the baby grows inside a special home called a uterus which is next where the food goes in a mommy's tummy. when it's time for the baby to be born and leave the uterus, the baby comes out thru that special opening that opens up big enough for him/her to come out."

if she asks where the opening is, just tell her the truth, between the mama's legs near where the pee pee comes out, but no pee pee gets on the baby.

if you discuss God with your child, it's a perfect time to talk about how cool it is that God made a mommy's body this way and that He keeps the baby safe inside her body until just the right time, and then He makes that opening just the right size for the baby to come out.

obviously, at 3, she's only going to take in what she developmentally can understand. she'll probably ask again when she's a little older.

just my two cents - i was raised in a home where nothing was ever explained or discussed, so i'm a big believer in telling the facts when questions are asked.

and for me, the explanations always went very easily - much more easily than i anticipated.