[Military Momma]

Hello everyone,

I know I've been away for awhile but things at our house got a little crazy. Anyways, I'm back and really on the adoption bandwagon to get DD home.

My DH and DS are all on-board with the idea but now we have to make a decision on weather to adopt an older child or infant.

DS just turned 6 years old. (Can't believe that one!) and we were thinking that it may be better to adopt a girl who is 5 years old or younger? My question to all of you is this...

1. For those that have adopted older children, what obstacles have your faced in your "bonding" issues?
2. Would you do it again?
3. What troubles did you child face with the adoption transition between the institution and home life?
4. What did you do to make it easier for them?

I really appreciate any help you can provide in this matter as we are making sure it is a right fit for our family.

Thank you in advance,
Lisa

[kretzklan]

Hi Lisa -
I really want to answer this and will below. Today has not been a good day for our DD - and a lot of days aren't. I feel like I'm letting it get to me today a bit more, so I'll come back later as well and adjust anything I say here that is more based on my frame of mind than total truth. DS was 7.5 and DD was 6.5 when they came home in 2005...we're almost at 4 years home!

1. For those that have adopted older children, what obstacles have your faced in your "bonding" issues? A million. Both kids have been diagnosed with RAD. Of the 23 RAD symptoms, DD displays 18 and DS2 displays 15...some are different and some are the same. We are blessed in that they are not fire starters, nor do they hurt the animals. DD is a self-harmer and does it on a fairly regular basis. DS2 has physical attacked people in our family and outside of it...including me. I was blind to the issues for 18 months, wanted to pretend it was 'just the beginning jitters' and I did not attachment parent. If I could go back - I would attachment parent from DAY ONE. I blame myself a lot for the fact that I may have made their RAD worse. I wanted them to be independent and have privileges like a normal 6 and 7 year old. That wasn't realistic. DD has MAJOR anxiety/control issues and continues, to this day, to need to be the parent. We are dealing with true life or death thinking in her world. DS2 is a hard nut to crack. He isn't as controlling, but more totally disconnected. I would say at this point, they are still not attached...although in front of strangers they are consistently so...making it harder to get anyone to listen or understand (teachers, friends, family).
2. Would you do it again? I would do it for them. I think our family will make their lives better. I would not do it if looking squarely at me. My marriage has suffered dramatically (barely made it through numerous times), our oldest son has suffered dramatically and changed a lot because of the adoption, my sanity has taken a huge hit. It's hard to live every day with a child that doesn't care if you are there - at all. We've made strides and I celebrate those...but it doesn't come fast enough.
3. What troubles did you child face with the adoption transition between the institution and home life? See above...other basic things is taking care of their bodies - they neither one knew about how to do that and are still lacking when we aren't consistently checking...(more control and anger than true not knowing how, maybe?). We had a lot of food issues (eating out of trash cans when people would throw things away at school, sobbing if dinner was 10 minutes late) and stealing.
4. What did you do to make it easier for them? Not sure I have. We go to therapy for attachment and I have caved and allowed for medication for her anxiety and his ODD/ADHD. I work on attachment parenting every day and do a decent job - but that is not easy for them. Attachment parenting is to keep me sane and not drawn into momentary battles...for DD especially it's maddening to not have someone drawn into drama every second. So, I can't say that's easier for her. It often feels very 'us-vs-them' and in the end some days - I have to win. This is a tough one to answer on this day especially.

So many here have wonderful stories - and those are the people who most often post on these standard forums. I really don't talk about our issues here very much and I know the few others who have tried to talk about the darker side of attachment have been quieted (not by anger or threats...but non-understanding or belief). There are other forums here with deeper information about what can happen (not just from Russia...but foster care and other countries). Every child deserves a family. My children deserve to be here, I just fight the good fight that we all make it through these very hard times. Sorry for being the big downer - but this happens. It does.

[angelkisses0102]

I suggest posting this in the general special neeeds section here, at frua.org chat, and at yahoo's older child adoption groups. Here you will most likely get happily ever after...which can and does happen...but elsewhere you'll also get more stories like the one above. The one above is honestly more typical...but much less shared/talked about.

You will great info from the special needs parents here...the ones who adopted internationally and from US foster care. The transitions and 'issues' often have much in common....other than language and loss of culture...which can be very huge for some.

Older child adoption is not for every family...nor is adopting out of birth order (something we would not do....adopt out of birth order.) I wwould consider older child adoption when that child would be my youngest however....but based on DS's very tough transition...I feel somewhat prepared.

Good luck....

[beckyww]

We adopted Julia, then age 6, from St. Pete in 5/06. We'd done a lot of reading and talking to other parents and got what we expected - she prefered Keith to me (treated me badly), wanted to eat only soft foods w/a spoon, etc. We started working on attachment in Russia. We believe she attached for real after about 18 months home. She was affectionate and loving-acting well before then. But we felt attachment hit at about 18 months.

We had no major issues - nothing off the charts.

I bring up her birth mother more than she does. We have pictures of her in Russia scattered around. She's not insanely interested in Russia - though I expect her to be in her teen years. Then I figure the pendelum will land somewhere in the middle.

Julia is a treasure. I'm 53; Keith is 48. If we were 10 years younger, we'd bring home another 6-year-old in a heartbeat. Actually, truth be told, Keith would do it now. But not me. I'm done. Has nothing to do w/Julia - has to do w/my age, we have one in college and two more coming right along toward college before Julia hits it in 2019. By then, we'll be totally broke, and wearing ski masks into convenience stores, I'm pretty sure.

Our first trip was in 2/06; second in 5/06. My blog has a lot about Julia's acclimation after we got home. Adopting her was the best thing we've ever done as a family - and make no mistake, when you have older children and you bring home a school-age child, it's the whole family that does the adopting. I couldn't have been more proud of how my original three welcomed #4.

Becky
This Reminds Me

[ddlucy]

Our little guy was 4 when we brought him home. He spoke fluent Russian. He cried all night the night we took him from the orphanage. Took us almost 3 days to remove the orange knit tights the orphanage had him wearing when we got him. He finally stopped crying in the morning, and picked up English in less than 6 months.

We would do it again in a heart beat.

Our little guy did stay back in Kindegarten last year for maturity reasons, but so did 2 of his friends. His kindegarten teachers all agreed that his "academics" were fine - but felt his maturity would warrent him staying back. It did help, and we are happy we did it.

When we met him in the orphanage - we knew right away he was a.o.k. It was the way he interacted with the orphange workers and with us. He played with us, laughed, kept eye contact, seemed coordinated, even sang a song or 2 for us.

He came home to an older brother and sister (11&13 years older) and it has worked out fine.

I am not a trained doctor --- but when you meet an older child in an orphanage, there are some "trouble signs" you can pick up on, that you could not pick up on in an infant/toddler.

I can appreciate the debate and stories over adopting "older children", but not all "older adoptions" end in rough situation.

Work with your agency - make it clear to them what "disabilities" you could accept or tolerate --- and what you can not. I've seen domestic adoption and foreign adoption couples take home children - they just were not ready to take in.

I would vote in favor of adopting older children.

Our neighbor would too. A year after we came home from Russia - they came home with a 7 year old Ukrainian girl. This little girl shows no ill signs of the orphanage either.

[GCS]

We adopted a three year old (which I do not consider to be an older child but fits your criteria in under 5) in 2004.

The first year was very difficult. He had a hard transition, PTSD, and was pretty sickly in general. I would say it took a good 8 months for us to start to really bond and we very much attachment parented and regressed him.

Today, he's doing pretty well. School this year is a real struggle for him but it may be his new teacher and 2nd grade at this school is notoriously tough. It may be that he will have difficultly learning from now on and will need special services (again). Its a little too early to tell but it has not been a fun few weeks.
Your questions:
For those that have adopted older children, what obstacles have your faced in your "bonding" issues? Bonding took time and patience and tenacity. But I would confidently say we are in a very good place with attachment today and have been since about the 2 year home mark.

Would you do it again? In a nano-second. But I've BTDT so its a lot easier for me to say this. I expect it to be harder than it was last time. Maybe I would be pleasantly surprised. I would not adopt out of birth order and my youngest is 5 right now. For me I would probably look at 3-4 year old as being the "right" age for our family. I would hold the child back a year (Kindy) to regress and bond. Also I have a network of specialists and sites to get what I need now. I would not be coming into this so green. (fyi, I did not think I was green before. I didn't know how much I didn't know - if that makes sense.)

What troubles did you child face with the adoption transition between the institution and home life? I was not able to parent him the way I had dreamed I would parent my children. He needs structure and I can not give him an inch. I wish I could have been more laid back with him. My friends think I am terribly strict, but that is just what he needs from me. He had health issues and needed to have surgery right away. He had trouble gaining weight and growing. He needed OT and speech therapy but was not affected enough to qualify for EI so we did all of that out of pocket. We are lucky to have good insurance. He learned English quickly. He was pretty much fluent by 6 months

What did you do to make it easier for them? Boy, I don't know. I do know that we are so lucky we attachment parented from the get go. The therapist thinks that this helped with his PTSD which often goes along with AD but in his case seemed to be more from his abandonment at 2 years old. I think being a SAHM that first year was key too.

Here's the thing. He is our beshert - he was destined to be our love - of this I have no doubt. We are with him through the thick and the thin. But I can't say with any certainty that we are out of the woods. 5 years home this November and he is 8 years old but I can not tell you that all will be well. I can say that we are prepared to take things as they come and be the best parents for him we can so that he can have the highest quality of life. We are hopeful. But we do not feel the confidence with his future we do for our DD adopted at 5 months old. Is it because of their age at adoption? I can't say for sure. Those 3 years of poor nutrition, lack of stimulation and early trauma certainly didn't help him. She has a lot of benefits coming home at a much younger age. But there could be other factors at play here.

[Military Momma]

I really appreciate all of your comments to my questions. I know that it's not easy to post such a delicate situation on the boards like this and I really do appreciate the honesty and integrity that you all have gone through.

I know that if we were to adopt an older child that it isn't going to be all roses but I wanted to make sure it was something we as a family could handle.

Voni - I will pray that your journey will be lightened and when your children are a bit older, I'll bet they appreciate all you are currently doing! Hang in there!!!!

Christina - I also plan to be a SAHM that first year. I think that is key!

Becky - Thank you! Cute photo and I'll check out the blog!

Again...thank you and I will be sharing the information with the family to make sure this is the avenue we would go.

Lisa