[N.Gwinn]

Four years ago, before we even brought our son home, I posted a thought that after we did bring him home, I wanted to hire someone to find his birth mom so that I could write to her every now and then and let her know that her son is loved and happy. I got a huge response from many of the posters saying, "Please don't do that! It will jepardize the fragile relationship that Russia and the US already have, and possibly keep future adoptions from happening." I took that advice and never gave it much more thought. Recently, I discovered that some people do have contact! There are apparently searchers who can be hired to connect birth families and adopted families. This brings up a ton of questions:

1. How many of you do have contact with the birth families of your adopted Russian children?
2. How much did it cost? How long did it take?
3. What was the response from the birth mother to hear that the adopted family was searching?
4. Is there any chance that the birth family, once knowing where the child is, could change their mind and want the child back... and have any chance of getting him?

Thanks for any info you might have.

[Kasey]

I know we have spoke briefly about this, but here are my answers:
1. How many of you do have contact with the birth families of your adopted Russian children?
we have contact with both our children's families

2. How much did it cost? around 750 for first search (searcher actually went to region, shared costs with other families). second search done via phone/email was 75.
How long did it take?
1st: around 6 months because wanted to wait for group to share cost of travel for searcher
2nd, 1 week.

3. What was the response from the birth mother to hear that the adopted family was searching?

surprise, unsure at first, but then very willing to discuss and expressed happiness and relief to know and to see how well the boys were doing.

4. Is there any chance that the birth family, once knowing where the child is, could change their mind and want the child back... and have any chance of getting him?
I am sure they could change their minds, I know a part of both our boys biomom's would have liked to have things turn out differently, I struggle with that at times, but glad we have found common ground and can have an ongoing relationship.

There is no way they could get them back.

[momraine]

I did a search too. Most of my answers are the same as Kris's above. We found dd's birth parents. They had told the rest of the family that she was stillborn. The had purposely placed her in an orphanage that did adoptions to America. They cried when they saw the pictures. Her father said he was ashamed and embarressed that both he and his country were not able to provide for her what she needed. On-going contact seemed to be painful for them, so I am keeping the information so that dd can contact them when she is older if she wants. They sent pics and video of extended family.

[N.Gwinn]

Kris, thanks for all your info. in pm's and on the forum. This is just all such surprising information to me. Lorriane, do you think that they were careful to protect the secret that the bio parents of your child were keeping? I would not want to hurt anyone if I did decide to search.

And, to anyone else who has contact, please let me know what your experience has been. My husband and I are really struggling now with what to do. We did not think it was an option until now. He is afraid to innitiate contact and upset the banana cart, so to speak. I think that it is important to do. I believe that my son's birth mom would feel some relief to know that her son is loved and happy. On top of that, he has two older bio siblings out in this world somewhere. It would be nice to know where they are and if they are OK.

[Jen_in_OH]

Our children have same bio mom. We did a search about 1 year ago with Mary. Her searchers found bio grandma and some bio aunts and uncle. Family was shocked but happy to hear about children. We have pictures and a letter from family. My children have that information and I think it has been helpful (sometimes sad, sometimes confusing, but overall a good thing).
Bio mom could not be found, but we learned of a bio brother. We are in process of looking for info on bio brother. All of this to say, it can be an emotional experience, but we do not regret it.
Good luck in making a decision that makes sense of your family.
Jen

[stephw3boys]

We searched but were unable to find anything (used one of the women I learned of thru this board) - so we did not have to debate contact or anything. I never want my DD to ask why I did not try, so I did.. for her sake..

[waiter]

Have done a search using Anna/Ruslan. Time frame depends on when they are going out and I think it is kind of up to you as to when you would like it to be done. It was successful and I have more information than I ever expected. I'm now trying to figure out how to answer the questions THEY have. They want to have ongoing contact. If others have advice as to how to do that- what to share, what not to share, I would appreciate your advice as well. I always felt that I would wait until my child was older but now am glad I did the search earlier. I don't think we would have ever gotten everything I have if we had waited until my child was an adult.

It is a hard decision and comes down to what you already know and how are you going to answer the questions your child will have about their past. I had too many I don't know's and wanted to at least try to help her know the truth. For me it was easier to do before she "understands" so I can present it as appropriate and in small pieces. If you want to pm me feel free.

[amyfk]

I have decided to wait until my child is old enough to decide if she wants us to do a search. She is only 3.5 now and doesnt ask much about her adoption to begin with. If she wants it later on, then we will move ahead. Sorry I cannot answer your further questions but good luck to you.
Amy K, NJ

[Kasey]

Amy-the only thing I wanted to add in terms of what you said, and I totally respect your opinion, is I used to think the same way then I had a co worker who was adopted from Korea. Her mom always wanted to search, but my co worker didn't want her to. She was ready to search as an adult and did only to find out her biomom had died several months early. She shared with me how much she regrets not doing it earlier and how she still struggles with "just missing" her. She does have a relationship now with two bio sibs that she is grateful for, but she is the one that encouraged me to do it while the trail was still hot so to speak.

[ddahl]

Searched in 2008
Located Birth Mother in less than 2 weeks
Cost varied for us as the searcher had to trace her to several regions (aprox$1000.00)
Now have contact, video of biological family, sibs grandmother etc. Contact is welcomed by them. Overall an amazing experience. We used Mary and her team and I highly recommed although predicting an outcome for any search is slim, I just liked their professionalism as well as their support.

Good luck! I agree with the above poster... the trail is easier to find the hotter it is!

[ddahl]

3. What was the response from the birth mother to hear that the adopted family was searching?
they were terrified that the searcher was lying and wanted something else from them
4. Is there any chance that the birth family, once knowing where the child is, could change their mind and want the child back... and have any chance of getting him?

Of course they want him back, its evident in the phone conversations and in the video. It would be impossible for that to happen. Although secrety it worries me.... I do not know why.....

[momraine]

OUr searchers were very careful to keep the secret. They did pictures and videos of dd's brothers without them knowing what it was for. They interviewed the birth parents privately, on video. They also said that there had been a notice in the newspaper about our dd's adoption. We had no idea. But, they did know she had been adopted and gone to America.

[yonah221]

I like the way you got your birthparent information. How can I go about using that same person(s)? What was the cost to you?

I have 2 kids from Krasnoyarsk, Russia. They were both in KR 7 orphanage. They are not siblings and I'd like to be able to find their family and at least have some pictures of the family for them.

[momraine]

I'll PM you.

[stephw3boys]

My dd is from Kras too!