[becky26]

I need advice, hopefully also from parents with older adopted children. I am finally getting around to do dd's life book (home for nearly three years...). When I did DS's life book, I never faced this challenge because I have no information on his bio mother. But I will try to do a birth mother search soon - next on my list... As for my daughter, I have a copy of her birth mother's passport, including a little picture. Should I include this picture in her life book? We are open about the adoption, but I am not sure whether she should have this picture always so available at a young age. She is three years old. I am also a bit hesitant because I have no picture for my son at this point. I am not sure how he would handle this. Any suggestions? Thanks!

[kretzklan]

I say yes...especially since you are open. She's still so young that it will simply become part of the story, part of the book. I've included DS2's sisters photo in his book - and my DD has none. Is that hard for her? Yes...and when we really get to looking at books and stuff it's hard for her to understand. DS2's sibs still communicate with us through letters and I include all those as well with translations. I think that book should be what the name implies - a lifebook and without the woman in that picture - there wouldn't be life, right?

[praying4rlittl1]

Popping in from the Guate board. I say yes, include the picture. We are in a similar situation. We have a picture of my daughter's mom in Guatemala. She is able to look at in whenever she wants and also to talk about her mom. When I make her lifebook, it will be in there.

However, my son's mom died so we have no pictures of her. It's difficult, but he has extended family in Haiti that we keep in regular contact with and have pictures of.

So one has a picture of their mom, and one we have contact with (hopefully we'll have contact with BOTH families some day!). I think the most important thing is to never "hide" anything and to continue to be open to what they need to talk about.

[beckyww]

Perfect time to include - while it's just "something" and not "a big thing."

Becky
This Reminds Me

[justmp]

We have made contact with both of our kids birth moms and they have had access to the pictures since we got them when they were both quite young. My logic was that if it were always available, it wouldn't be something that they had to wonder or ask about.

Feel free to shoot me an email when you're ready to take the next step and I'll share our experience with you, if I haven't already.

[votemom]

i would, for sure.
when i talk to my girls, i talk about how they "grew" in xxxxx's tummy, and then later their dad and i got to come to russia and they are now our daughters.
i have not referred to them, as yet, as their birth mothers or first mothers.
but, i would most definitely include a photo if i had it. what a precious gift for your child to have.

[N.Gwinn]

I can certainly see this one from both sides and understand the confusion on your end. I think that I fall in line with the rest of the posters, though. Go ahead and include the picture, now. She will see it as a fact now, or as a secret you kept from her later. I have a friend who was adopted and the adoption was a secret. He thought he was a bio child until he was in his 20's and it is the secret that did the damage he struggles most to forgive. I know that you are very open about the adoption, and it is just the physical picture you are thinking about, so it is not nearly as big a thing.

[MominPA]

I understand your situation. My oldest I have information on his bio mother, but my youngest I have nothing including his actual date of birth since he was a fondling and I will never have any information for him.

I would include the picture since it is part of her life. There is no reason not to provide her with something since you can't provide your other child with the same information.

[kfoster]

I did put a picture of our son's birthmother in his book. He is almost 6 and has always been interested to know about his heritage. I think it is a good idea to include a picture if you can. It is part of their story.

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Becky.... I have completed a search for my daughter's birth family (a year ago). My DD knows that I requested and hired a man to search, but she does not know yet that I have results. Long story short.... some professionals that I have consulted with thought that a search was good, but said to give my DD the information alittle at a time. Sorta spoon feeding. She is home 4 1/2 years, and is 12 1/2 years old. She is emotionally delayed, along with FASE, ADHD and learning disabilities. She is doing sooooo wonderfully, that I am now waiting for her to ask again. No matter what, by the end of summer, I will be giving her the information. She knows that her mother died when she was only 5 months old (alcohol poisoning), and she remembers her father and a very mean and abusive aunt. She worries about her father and grandmother being cold and hungry each winter.

To your question.... I have all ready and waiting, a beautiful scrapbook. The searcher was able to get 2 pictures of her mother, one at about 10 years of age, and the other is her working (union of sorts) picture ID. I have also purchased 2 beautiful matching frames for them. I figure that her scrapbook would hold her Russian family photos and history (as much as they would give up) in the beginning, and then the second section would be her American family and life.

I was conflicted at first when I requested the search, and then again when I saw the actual photos of past and living relatives. BUT, this is her LIFE, and she soooo deserves to know and to be able to see, and she will remember some of it, since she is in some of the pictures from when she was very young!

I plan on embracing what ever she wants to do with the photos and information, though it did take me some time.

Every child and history is different. Only you, the parent knows what is right for your child.

Blessings.................. A in NJ

[becky26]

Thank you all for your responses. It is good to hear from adoptive parents who speak from experience! As most of you suggested, I did include the bio mother's picture in DD's life book (yet to be completed...). I am not sure when I will show it to her. I don't think that DD (3 years) is too interested at this point. But I know that DS (5 years) will be totally surprised/confused/excited/??? about the picture. I will definitely start the search for the birth mothers very soon. Thanks again for your input!