[Russiaknight]

We've had our new 15-mo old son for almost two weeks, home one week. I know there are tons of changes in his life but I'm trying to grapple with the nighttime going to bed routine.

In Russia and for first night or two home I would rock him to sleep at naps and night and he seemed fine with that. For the past several days at naptime he falls asleep in the Ergo on our daily walk and easily transfers to crib - great!

But at night, for past few nights, after rocking with a bottle he just starts to scream and won't stop until I put him in his crib. So tonight after the bottle I just kissed him, placed him in his crib and told him it was time to sleep. I left, he chirped a bit, I went back in a few minutes later and laid him down and told him it was time to sleep again and left. He was asleep in 10 minutes on his own. A part of me feels that letting getting to sleep on his own is continuing the orphanage routine but he does know we are there and he did not cry when I left. He makes good eye contact, mimics, plays, comes to us for dancing and pick-ups so, so far things seem ok - just wondering why he's refusing the rocking to sleep at this point and whether I should do anything about it.

Thanks for any advice

[angelkisses0102]

I am a huge fan of attachment parenting and co-sleeping...so that's my disclaimer!! My feelings are our kids missed out on so much and know how to fall asleep on their own...but have no idea how to fall asleep with love. My kids had no clue it was OK to cry for me...and I did NOT want that continued...so I responded to every single whimper. DD, age 7, was easy...DS, age 5, was not...so we co-slept. It's 'funny' DS (home 5+ years) no longer needs me to fall asleep...but he did when he was younger. DD, who slept alone from the first night, now needs me...and she's home almost 7 years. Like tonight...she 'needs' me so she and I are sleeping together.

Personally, I would 'push' the rocking and snuggling at bedtime and not allow him to even whimper alone...he needs to know YOU are there for him...he learned how to fall asleep all alone in the orphanage...JMHO!!!

Congrats and all the best!!

[sak9645]

It sounds to me as if you are doing GREAT.

Children are great teachers, and if you are well bonded with them, they will communicate their needs and wants.

Your child recognizes when he is sleepy and wants to go to bed. He may love rocking, but when he is really tired, he may value the peace and quiet of his crib. Kids have favorite sleep habits, and it sounds as if you have a child who prefers a nice quiet bed to the movement of a rocker. And if he doesn't have words, he'll tell you so with crying or body language.

Your son is not afraid of his room, or of being alone. That is a great tribute to your parenting, if he can sleep alone after two weeks with you and only one week at home, without worrying that you will leave or that he will suddenly find himself back at the orphanage. The fact that he wants you to pick him up and play with him during the day suggests that bonding is OK, and that he's not just doing the orphanage routine thing.

If your son really wants to go to bed without an elaborate rocking routine, fine. Create some new bonding routines or increase the length of existing ones.

Do some rocking before bathtime, while you show him pictures in a book, instead of after bathtime when he is going to bed. Cuddle time is good ANY time when it happens. In fact, some kids really like a good cuddle and some rocking before they have breakfast; it helps them transition between sleep and wakefulness.

If he doesn't object and it doesn't conflict with your feelings about parental nudity, hop into the bath with him and wash him that way. You can both play with the tub toys!

And now that it's getting warm out, take him to a pool that has either a zero depth entry or wide stairs or a toddler area, and hold him on your lap while you both enjoy the water. Water is great for promoting bonding.

Carry him as much as he'll let you, but recognize that he does need and want time to practice crawling, cruising, or walking -- whatever stage he's at.

Feed him as often as he'll let you, making lots of eye contact, but recognize that kids of his age are going to want plenty of practice self-feeding and enjoying the feel of textured foods in their hands, as well as their mouth. Perhaps he can feed you a cracker, and you can feed him a spoonful of yogurt -- feeding each other is great for bonding.

Get down on the floor a lot. Play lots of games where you roll a ball to your child and he tries to roll it back. Hide objects in a pot with a lid, while he is watching, and let him enjoy "finding them" by removing the lid. Look at him and giggle with him.

Play lots of mirror games, and a lot of games where you have to look at each other. "Where's Mommy's nose? Where's Baby's nose?"

In the warm weather, if your child is going to be outside, you'll want to use plenty of sunscreen. So make it a bonding exercise. Massage the sunscreen into arms and legs and back, almost as if you were doing baby massage. Let him put a little sunscreen on your legs.

Get your son involved in making funny noises with you. Make a "raspberry" sound, and see if he tries to imitate it. Point to the picture of a dog and say "WOOOF" and see what he does. And so on.

Just about everything you do, all day, can be structured to promote bonding. So just because your son wants to fall asleep in a crib, don't think that you can't develop a deep and secure attachment.

Also, remember that, with children, sleep habits change on a regular basis. For a couple of weeks, your child may insist on falling asleep alone, and may sleep soundly all night.

Then, just when you think you're blessed with an easy kid, he'll insist on rocking and scream when you try to put him in his bed. Or he'll wake up every two hours and want to be held. Or he'll refuse to go near the crib and want to sleep in your bed. The one thing that's predictable is that he will change, over and over.

Sharon

[MichiAmy]

My little 2 1/2 yr old daughter (home now just over 2 months) does not like to be rocked either. I think that any attention in the "going to bed" procedure in Russia was negative attention (received only if they were being bad). So I believe she still associates being held and rocked with getting in trouble.

I have found other ways to snuggle her before bed. Since she's a little older - we'll sit in rocker together and watch a Baby Einstein video before bed. We'll read a book together with her in the crib etc...

She doesn't mind being held and snuggled other times -- but bed time seems to make her think she's in trouble.

[votemom]

that's a tough one.

kids that get their rest at night are kids who can cope during the day. and that counts for a lot.

that being said, i think i would TRY the rocking at night. i wouldn't make it long and miserable, but just maybe incorporate it into your routine.

maybe, once he comes to expect that it's part of the day, and that it is a happy thing, he may begin to embrace it. and if he does start to embrace it, you can lengthen the time period as he relaxes and enjoys it.

you may need to really persevere for a few months before you see some changes in his reaction. that's a hard reality, but in the end it will be so worth it.

good luck!

[Russiaknight]

Thanks everyone...I feel very conflicted on this one so obviously I think it's an issue. I tried the rocking at naptime today and although he refused and cried after about 10-15 minutes he finally fell asleep. So I think I'll slowly keep working at it as suggested.

[Kasey]

My youngest came home at 13 months of age. We had done co-sleeping with our oldest who came home at 5 1/2 months of age, lots of snugging and rocking, but he was so young, so easier.
Maks was totally different, sleep times were very stressful, he fought it all rocking, snugging, co-sleeping. So much so, he would cry and scream and several times throw up. I didn't want him to go through that, so we tried a routine of just hold on lap, facing me, slow rock, having his bottle and then I laid him in his crib and sat with him. If it tried to touch him, he freaked, but I sat there and sang softly and would keep putting him hand in there to caress his arm or back. Slowly he let me do this without freaking. Each week the rocking time and snugging time got a little longer and alittle less stressful.
He did alot of sooner with my DH then me, he attached much more quickly to him. As stressful as it was, I knew it would get better and it did.
While I think co-sleeping is great, if it is freaking the child out so much, it isn't worth it, we just had to find what worked for him.
Naps got better much quicker then night time I would say. By about 2 months home, he even would let me take a nap with him, which was great.

Sounds like you are doing great, keep it up!

[pwnort64]

My son also came home at 15 months. We built a bedtime routine then that we still pretty much follow even though he will be 6 in a few months.

Our bedtime routine starts with a bath (now, many times a shower). When he was a baby, I would then lather him up with lotion and get his jammies on him. I still help him put his jammies on, even though he is quite capable of doing it on his own. Then we spent time in the glider reading stories and talking about our day. Now, we do that snuggled up in his big boy bed. Lastly, I would give him a bottle and rock him quietly. However, I always put him into the crib while he was slightly awake. I felt that it was important for him to be able to fall asleep on his own. For the first 2-3 months that he was home, I would continue to sit in his room until he was fully asleep. To me, this gave him the comfort to know that I was there for him and would provide for his needs.

If he fussed during the night, I always checked on him.

However, at naptimes, I kept the routine much simpler. When we was still on a bottle, I did give it to him in the glider and rock him a bit, but then placed him in his crib to fall asleep on his own. During this time, I usually did not stay in his room until he fell asleep.

He's been a great sleeper all along. He attached wonderfully. If he had exhibited any issues, I might have felt the need to co-sleep or rock him to sleep or do something different, but for us, this worked well and continues to work well. We both look forward to our routine each night and to spending those last few minutes together before he drifts off to sleep on his own.

[ddahl]

We forced the holding nd rocking because we felt he needed attachment parenting. I agree that the night times were not good at the baby home. Sounds like you are doing everything great. Keep on rocking mama! WE rocked our rocker until the arms literally fell off..... I loved those days... now we do snuggle time... Its the best!

[N.Gwinn]

I remember reading lots of posts about how it was important to rock our newly adopted son to sleep in order to create an attachment. He simply would not be rocked. Like your son, mine needed to be rocked with a bottle, and then put in the crib to fall asleep on his own... and rest assured, he is very attached. This did not harm him.

I simply changed what I did to create attachment. One reason that the rocking is so important is because of the all-over touching. I started making it a point to exagerate the cuddle time we had during the day to make up for the lack of cuddling as he fell asleep.

[Ebadge90]

I think your child will let you know what is the right way. If they scream while rocking, don't rock. If they don't want a bottle, don't give it to them. Since day one at the hotel in Siberia, we put our son in the crib and he slept. He still does, home almost 3 years. It certainly hasnt seemed to damage the attachment that we have as a family. He knows that sleep time is sleep time, and together time is together time.

I do have a question to those that still co-sleep......when do you stop?

[votemom]

how's it going russiaknight?

[Kasey]

Ebadge-
For our oldest most of our co-sleeping was a nap time. If he awoke during the night once I went back to work, I just bought him in bed with us. which seemed to be about once a week at that time. Then around the time we were adopting our youngest, our oldest became more clingy especially during travel, so he slept alot with us. Once his brother was home, he seemed to sleep half the week with us and half in his bed. not a great habit to get into, because bedtimes then became a hassle. by this point he was home 3 1/2 years, So we got firm in terms of how many times he could get out of bed for questions. I gave him 3 tickets to get out. That worked. now they only sleep with us if someone is sick or scared, we don't send them back to their beds if they get up in the middle of the night. mainly I am too tired to deal with it and it is easier to just let them in. But that doesn't happen too often.
I think the longer it goes on the harder to break. my friends' 8 yr old (bio) still wants to sleep with them, so someone has to lie down with her to go to sleep.
we just did whatever worked for the kids and us.

[Russiaknight]

Hi all,

Thanks for all the comments! Now that he's been home a month and we've had a variety of going to sleep experiences, I think the crying and screaming is mostly just fighting going to sleep/overtiredness and not opposition to rocking. About a week and a half ago I put him back on formula at night and most of the time he falls asleep rocking with the bottle. The other night he finished the bottle but wasn't quite over the edge yet and cried a little but then put his two fingers in his mouth, looked at me while we rocked and slowly drifted to sleep. Last night he was not really that tired...we just rocked and tried to make faces at me until EVENTUALLY he fell asleep. Tonight he fell asleep with the bottle.

So all in all going pretty well!

[N.Gwinn]

Yea! You are getting him to fall asleep in your arms!!!!!!!! Oh, you and he are lucky. It is a beautiful experience. I am glad you both get to know it with each other!

My son is the king of snuggle, but we never got to the point of him falling asleep while I rocked him, which is OK because it has not affected his attachment. However, until I had my bio daughter, I did not realize what a great experience I was missing. There may not be a better feeling in the world than having the heavy weight of your sleeping child against your chest.

And I guess that is the point of forcing the rocking with our little babies from Russia. If we don't force it, they don't even understand what it is that they are missing.
I am glad you stuck with it.