[kdk545]

I posted this on another adoption forum, but I wanted to come to you guys too and see what the advice/experience is here........

My husband and I are 95% sure we are going to have our son repeat kindergarten for the next school year instead of sending him onto first grade. (He will turn 6 in late June). The are several reasons for wanting to hold him back: 1. He has been diagnosed with mild/borderline ADHD, so focusing and staying on task are a huge problem for him and have been for this whole year. 2. Our school district is facing severe budget cuts so class size is already going up from 20 students now to 24 in the fall (and maybe up to 28!) 3. The workload and homework load in today's first grade classrooms (at least in our district) is staggering. He is already struggling with his kindergarten homework load now and typically poops out before finishing all his centers every day.

I will say that it was my idea, and not the teachers, to retain him an extra year (our school just happens to be kind of anti-retention). My son is working on grade level because he is bright and we work with him every night at home, and also because he (must!) always have the teacher or a parent volunteer sitting right with him, right next to him, constantly keeping him on task and focused. Left to his own devices, he wouldnt get half of the work done.

But my concern is, because he is on grade level, wont he be bored with the work they are doing during the first semester? In other words, he is now reading on par and knows his sight words, but at the beginning of the year they will be doing the sounds of letters and all the numbers all over again, the stuff he already knows. (Perhaps a lot of it will be forgotten over summer?) I have heard so many parents rave about about their decisions to give their kids (mostly boys) an extra year of kindergarten, but what about this potential boredom issue? How was that handled in your experiences?

[kretzklan]

Have you talked to your school about this yet? I can tell you that almost all schools are VERY anti-retention. There is a 'scale' they fill out that tells whether or not it's positive for a child to be held back and it puts a lot more emphasis on social and emotional well being than academic. If he's at grade level, you could have a huge fight on your hands. Especially if he's ok socially. Even with ADHD, they may not want to do it. I have a kiddo that was switched from 1st to kindie when she first came home. So, she was fully 6 (turned 7 in May) of her kindie year. She is so much older than most of the kids. It's not a big deal usually...but her birthday is coming up and she doesn't want us to say how old she is...it can be embarassing. Also, what about the effect of the kids knowing he was 'left behind' - even at that age it can stigmatize. That said, I'm all for giving kids more time, but it can cause boredom and if his issues are already that he can't/won't focus...can you imagine if he's doing it all over again? Perhaps looking into a 504 which can adjust his homework requirements and classroom expectations (even to be more stringent). I have 3 kids on all three spectrums. My oldest is the youngest in his class and I wish I had simply kept him home an extra year - but I wouldn't have held him back. He was supposedly ADHD in kindie - 1st - but no sign now and I believe he was just bored even then (he started kindie at age 4). DS2 is exactly in the middle and he doesn't do great in school - but we continue to set our expectations high. And then, DD, which I've already talked about.
Sorry - you didn't want a book...but I would really think about this. It's a lifelong decision...

[k8c]

I'm a primary grades teacher.

I have never heard a parent disappointed that they held their child back. Never. I have had many, many parents who wished they had.

Kindergarten is an excellent time to repeat a year. I haven't seen any stigma attached to it. In fact, when I taught first grade and the kiddos were all mentioning their kindergarten teachers in a mine-was-better way. "I had Mrs. X. ""I had Mr. Y." They were silenced--in an awed, respectful way--when one little girl replied, "Well, I had BOTH." lol

I've taught in public, private, inner-city, prep and international schools. Retention in early grades is not something that carries a sitgma. Teachers do know how to spin this.

One more thing to think about--is your primary reason to hold him back ADHD? That won't resolve itself with another year of kindergarten. If he has that diagnosis, then other measures need to be taken.

If, however, this is not an actual diagnosis but his is just "squirrely" and emotionally immature, an extra year could be a great benefit.

Talk to his teacher and listen to what she has to say. She should be able to give you some good insights.

Feel free to pm!
Kate

[GCS]

I wouldn't let him stop actively learning over the summer with the fear that he is going to be ahead. A decent school knows that kids come into kindy at all different levels. My preschooler is going into kindy this year and is already reading and writing at the same level a child would be leaving kindy. There is one in her class reading at a higher level. I trust our school to keep her challenged and I will be keeping her in a reading program this summer. There will be a lot to do and there is no reason to assume he will be bored. Also he will leave kindy with confidence in his abilities which is very important.

I would schedule a meeting with your teacher to discuss your concerns about his interest level and see what she/he has to say.

I know you are not asking for advice on whether or not to hold him back, but as K8C says I have never heard anyone regret holding a child back. I have heard more times than I can count how a parent wished they had. You know your child better than anyone. If this is what you think you need to do than its the right choice for him.

My son is should be the oldest in his class. The cutoff date for school here is Sept 1st and he has a Sept 1 bday. There are at least 3 kids in his class older than him as they were held back. And honestly you couldn't tell the difference.

Good luck!

[BethanyB]

If your child were struggling academically than I would say in a heartbeat to hold him back. However, if he is working on grade level and reading on grade level, why would you want to hold him back?

If he has ADHD you should be able to have an IEP for him which would enable him to either have extra help staying on task from a classroom assistant. The ADHD is not going anywhere and you will have the attention problems again the next year.

And if he IS doing well, and is left to do it all over again, he probably WILL act out more and be less attentive because it will be boring for him.

I am a first grade teacher and again, I feel that if the child is struggling and doing poorly, holding back a child may be best but from what your telling us in your post, it does not sound like that would be best for your son. Does he have an IEP or a 504 plan?

[ddahl]

" My son is working on grade level because he is bright and we work with him every night at home, and also because he (must!) always have the teacher or a parent volunteer sitting right with him, right next to him, constantly keeping him on task and focused. Left to his own devices, he wouldnt get half of the work done. "

I would not hold a child back that I could write this about. The ADD/ADHD will likely always be there. Keeping him back won't fix that. Additionally, most if not all kids that age need partnership to get the work done and I think the point of homework is to have parental involvement. Frankly, I am amazed at the amount of homework my niece got in Kindergarden and now first grade. My sister is at it every night. My niece is not ADD/ADHD but has some comprehension issues with sequencing, math and those types of things. The school she was at recommended holding her back and my sister declined. She is now a great student in the first grade. She is reading and writing but continues to struggle with math concepts which she is receiving an IEP for and counseling from the school district for the busy-ness she sometimes exhibits. My opinion is while the world may need math majors, it also needs poets and writers.
I say push him on, he is on grade level after all. I will tell you that we had a very tough year last year and I thought I would be making this decision myself at some point. This year we got a new teacher who is a real stickler in the class room.... I hated her. Turns out DS loves her and miraculously he is working above where the bar has been set. He is busy and squirrely and all the stuff that comes with boys but under her reign he is a model citizen. He gets a sticker almost every day ( a huge thing when you are 5). I would find out who the teacher is going to be and have him evaluated for an IEP. They are highly trained to assist with these issues. I also worry about the self esteem issues. If he is on grade level then he is smart. How will he feel? He may be a bit emotionally immature but his capacity to absorb what he is learning and being able to sit still long enough to complete work are two totally differet things. Eventually he will settle down.
Good luck with everything. Its so hard to know what to do.

[angelkisses0102]

Address ADD/ADHD seperately...although I am a firm believer in retenetion. I am holding DS back this year and I do wish I would have held my gifted DD (IQ of 130+) back. NOTHING, NOTHING makes up for social and emotional immaturity...and the dent it makes in self esteem is not worth it. While DD has finally evened out in 2nd grade I so wish she did not have to struggle to get to this point. Social and emotional maturity is way MORE IMPORTANT than ANYTHING else...no contest!!! I regret so much with my DD...and will NOT have those same regrets with DS...he is being held back...no questions asked. It is the best gift we can give him...no parent who holds their child back regrets it. NONE!!!

DD is now medicated and it is a 'miracle'...but it is a totally seperate issue from everything else.

Good luck!!!

[Shesalmost18]

I would trust your intuition on holding your son back. You know your child and was is best for him.

I wish that they would have held my FD back a year in kindergarten. Yes she has ADHD but was also very emotionally immature. I think that the extra year would have given her another year to be nurtured in kindergarten before she had to buckle down in first grade.

The only thing I would do as a parent is probably go to a new school so he does not get teased by the other kids in first grade.

In Pacific Palisades, a very wealthy area in Los Angeles, many parents hold their kids back another year in kindergarten. They think it will give them an advantages in sports and when they are older.

My godson is very bright but because he went from a public kindergarten to a private school, he had to repeat kindergarten.

[Bamamom07]

You can always use the excuse of wanting to have more time to do sports if you want something for the kid to tell others. I almost had my oldest boys skip a grade when they were 6 because they easily could have, but I didn't want them being so much younger than their classmates years later. Now they're grown, they joke about how they wished I would have held them back, as they were late bloomers and would have been really good in sports. Especially when they noticed how many of their private school friends were held back in 8th grade to have more time to grow and improve in sports.

[BethanyB]

Held back in EIGHTH grade to have more time to improve in SPORTS?! You have got to be kidding me. I'm sorry that is just ridiculous.

I wish people would just keep their kids home from school (Kindergarten) an extra year if they really want the "advantage" of an extra year. Some of this stuff is just crazy.

IMHO it is never good for a child to be held back unless he or she really needs it. If they are struggling academically or are lacking maturity wise, that is one thing but some of this stuff I am hearing is just crazy.

[momraine]

Well, I do live in Texas where football is almost worshipped and so we have boys who are kept out of school an extra year so they will be bigger for sports by dads who are sports crazed, but none held back later for that reason.
My oldest son is one of the younger ones in his class. He is now almost at the end of tenth grade, he is doing very well both academically and socially. My second one started K in one state and then we moved and he didn't meet the cut off, since he had already started K I didn't want to put him back in preschool so I kept him home a year. Turned out to be a great year for him and I. We didn't do a lot of academics because he was ahead, but he wanted to learn about cooking and gardening so we did. He was also my most lovey dovey kid so I really enjoyed all that one on one time with him and at the end of that school year when I went to Russia to get his sister we didn't have to worry about him missing school. He is one of the older kids in his class, known by most of the teachers at the most mature and is a straight A student. Dd is the youngest in her class. Part of the time I think I should have held her back, but socially she is fine and she did fine grades wise until fourth grade. This year she had some trouble, mostly it was just that she needs a little more time for each concept and because of state mandated testing her teachers had to move on. According to her teacher a third of the kids (some older and some younger and most in the middle) are also having trouble. The revamped curriculum just put too much information in too short of a time and she doesn't test well or do rote memorization well. (ie: vocabulary words)

My youngest came home at six and a half, it was the middle of the school year. He has the same birthday as my oldest. I had a choice of putting him in the middle of first grade where he would be age wise or putting him K. Since he didn't speak English I put him in K. He is very immature emotionally because of the time in the orphanage. Academically he is doing very well now in second grade. His math is well above grade level since math was not affected by the change in language. He is one of the older boys in his class, though there are a couple older than him who were held back either in K or pre-K. He is the least mature in the class though and the smallest. He does get a little bored academically now that he is really good in English and he reads well. Last year he kept trying to find ways to get out of boring work. This year his teachers are better at keeping him challenged. Anyway, all this to say that every kid is different. Talk to the teachers and think about all the reasons and then make your decision.

[Bcelli]

There have been past discussions on this issue because it is one so many of us struggle with for many of our children. More than I would have guessed of my fellow parents at our school have held their children back for one reason or another and I have rarely heard a negative comment about the results. With that said, my husband is 45 years old, holds a Masters+ and still views himself as a kid who got held back in kindergarten. His was for social reasons, not academics. Some kids adapt well and it doesn't phase them. Some kids carry the self-imposed - and sometimes peer-imposed - stigma the rest of their lives. A classmate of our older son scored well on a recent test and I heard a girl in the grade comment, "Well I hope so. He's been held back twice. He's had three years to get it right." Thankfully, he wasn't around when the comment was made, but I cringed at the thought it might be repeated when he is.

Our younger son was diagnosed high-end ADHD during the summer between kindergarten and first grade. He didn't have too much difficulty with academics, but maintaining an appropriate social demeanor was hit and miss - mostly miss. Now on proper meds and nearing the end of first grade, he is making straight As and is praised for voluntarily helping struggling classmates with their studies when he has completed his own classroom assignments.

The struggle to get to this place has been exhausting and years in the making. And oh so worth it. Holding him back would have laid a burden on his spirit so heavy he may never have been able to lift it. Choosing to persevere and endure the embarrassment of our child's behavioral issues has given us all a payoff we could never have imagined.

Whatever you choose will be the right decision for your family. Prayers for a great end result and the patience to find it.

[cmmandjam]

i work in education and have always been told that no one ever regrets holding their kid back. our son just turned six and will start Kindergarten in the fall. hopefully he'll be with the pack instead of always trying to catch up for the rest of his education. by the time he starts school he will have been home with us for two years. i always think that you should trust your instincts, you know your child best!

[ddlucy]

We held our son back in kindegarten last year. His teachers and we agreed that he was a little imature and that he had the potenial to be a leader, but was more of a follower at the time. He was physically small for his class too.

So despite the fact he was on or slightly above grade level --- we kept him back.

This year, the maturity problems have gone away and he is a class leader (and a socialite). Physically he fits better too.

Our son was 4 when we brought him home --- so that had some impact on the maturity issues.

In the end, it all worked out. There were some rough sleepless nights --- but we did the right thing.

[mommytoEli]

my son has adhd something awful, and that, in combination with a teacher unable to assist him and an admin unwilling to help led to him falling behind. i pulled him out of kindergarten this year and have been homeschooling him. for him, he is not doing a better job focusing just because he is getting older. he is doing a better job working because he is getting the attention he needs and i happen to know how to work with adhd kids (former teacher). so he dances while adding, and often sings his guided readers, and i have to sit RIGHT next to him while he writes to keep him on topic....but i let him dance and sing, and i do sit right there, and with those accomodations he is EXCELLING. actually, we finished the k standards last week, so we broke open the grade one books this past monday. he is doing SO well.

anyway...i tell you this long story because holding your son back may not magically make his adhd better, but having a good teacher who is willing to work with your son may make all the difference in the world. if he is not behind, i would talk to the principal about teacher choice for next year, and if you are really concerned, i'd ask for a 504. if you want to chat more about what this is, pm me. my dd had one for a few years and it was a LIFESAVER! i think you are right....your son will be bored....and i don't know about your adhd kid...but when MINE is bored .....THAT is when all the trouble begins. lol!

in the end, trust your mommy gut and do what is best for your son, but i really do encourage you to talk to the admin and see if they can help you with some other alternatives as well. good luck!