[mikiment]

(Posted this on another forum without much response.)

Hi, folks! Trying to decide about the fall as our little guy and girl will be starting kindergarten. They are not twins and aren't biologically related (one month apart in age.) Thoughts/ideas as to if they should be separated into different classrooms or stay in the same room and why?

Some general info/background: We've deliberately worked hard NOT to automatically "lump" them together as "the kids" re: the whole "artificial twinning" concept. We take them out separately for one on one time with each parent. While they participate in several joint activities, we've deliberately sought out some separate activities as well to help them develop their own personalities & interests. Yet they are very close and thoroughly enjoy each other's company and companionship. I don't want to separate them arbitrarily if there isn't a good reason to do so as they are good friends and would like having another known "friend" in the classroom. (They won't know ANYONE else at their new school this fall, plus this is their first "formal" education away from home - we've done pre-K at home this yr.) When they are placed within the same class right now in several situations (MOMs morning out, Sunday School class, Awana class), they enjoy being together but don't end up hanging out together to the exclusion of other children. They usually end up playing with different kids, often doing different activities, but like to "check in" with each other periodically, according to their teachers.

Certainly, it would be easier for ME if they were in the same classroom from the standpoint of MY classroom involvement (i.e., room mom, field trips, dealing with same teacher, etc.) but my first concern is for them. I know their preference is to stay together. Currently I don't see either of them being "intimidated" by the other or in each other's shadow, but I do want them to "blossom" individually.

Not sure which is best...ideas and rationale, please? Naturally I'll be talking with the school/teachers about their ideas on the subject when we go for kindergarten prescreening in roughly a month. Although they are both a bit nervous, they are also tremendously excited about school and I want to keep it that way (excited, not nervous, heh heh.)

Also, if there are any teachers/educators who could share info, I'd greatly appreciate your perspective. Thanks.

[saj]

I have two in third grade. We have always had them in seperate classes. It has always worked well. This year they are in seperate regular classes but share a class in enhanced reading. They do just fine in there together. I don't really know what I was afraid they would do if they were placed together. Being together helps with the homework issue and it is a little difficult "working the class Mom thing" because of seperate "home rooms, but doable.

Good luck

[momraine]

Our district has a policy to separate kids in the same family. Last year my neice lived with me and she and my son were in the same grade. They were in different homerooms, but since reading was done by levels they were together for that. The only problem we had was they felt a very strong need to tell on each other for every little thing. For field trips (my sister was working) usually the classes were together. The class that needed me most would get me for parties and such.

[DPline]

My younger two are six months apart and because we held my son back this year, they will be starting kindergarten together this fall. I have been struggling with the same question. Since I have an older son in the school already they know the school and the teachers and a lot of the students, but they still tend to lean on each other a lot when they are together (they really act like twins) so I am torn. For me it would be so much easier to have them in the same class, but I can't decide what would be best for them. Or if it matters. And our kindergarten teachers and principal say it is up to me. They have been in separate preschool classes the last two years.

I am glad to see the responses and really looking forward to others!

[k8c]

I'm an elementary school teacher and auntie to twins.

Our school is small, with only one class per grade. We have twins in kindergarten and triplets in first grade. Neither situation is ideal.

The twins are too dependent on one another--the boy has learned very little, relying on his sister to take care of him. His sister has been hampered as well--spending time taking care of her brother when she should be learning herself.

The triplets are a handful. They have a hard time changing their behavior from home (where they fight for mom's attention and are very loud and physical) to school--where the shouting and physicality are not appropriate. They aren't this way with other children, only with each other. What they need most is to be in different classes.

My gut reaction is to separate them. I know they are virtual twins and not biological ones, but they face similar issues. I think they will do better and learn more apart than together. They'll still see each other at lunch, recess, etc.

Best!
Kate

[FourAndDone]

My two are 3 months apart and started kindergarten this year. I put them in separate rooms and they have each done well. They really relied on each other before, but now have their own friends, as well as some of the same friends. They see each other at recess, lunch and in after school care. I think separating them was a good decision as it has allowed them to grow, each in their own way and there is not competition among them at school.

They have a set of twins in their class that were not separated and I know the teacher is having behavior issues with them. Could just be the kids ....... who knows.

Diane
Single mom to 3 little guys

[MamaS]

Separate. They need a break from each other. Different classrooms will provide different experiences and that will give them something to "share" when they are together.
Yes, it will be harder on you, but it is worth it for them.

[kretzklan]

Just my two cents - I worked at a school for 6 years and both these sets of multiplies happen to be in DS1's grade level. Set one are twins and their mother has always kept them together. Last year, when one decided to not play a sport - I thought they would all combust. They'd never had a time to be separate (they were very into the same things...so I'm not blaming mom). I see them now in 7th grade and they really rely on each other still. The other's are triplets and mom seperated them from day one. I remember calling and asking them all to come over for a playdate and she said "no, your son has to like one more than the other 2...he should only invite the one he likes the best - they are all different"...so she valued that greatly. To this day, they are in separate groups at school, take different classes and are at very different levels in both school work and extracurricular activities!

[votemom]

it seems like kindergarten is the perfect time to try it and see. i have two non-bio kids, six days apart, so i think i can understand a bit of your dynamics.

after a year of kindy, you'll have input from the teacher and your own observations and then when first grade starts you'll know better what is going to be best for them.

(at least this is what i'm planning on doing! for what it's worth...)

[Binny]

I was a teacher for years before deciding to be a SAHM. I only had tiwns once in that time, and the school always separated them at the parents request. I taught 4th grade, and they did well apart imo and played together some at recess, but not always. I am adopting two girls this summer and the oldest will be in the same grade as my youngest bio son. We live in a school district with a very good school, but only one class per grade and it is a pretty large class. So, for 8th grade both will be in each others classes for most of the day. I know realistically though that is it only for a year and that in 9th grade they will have more options. Still, I am curious like yourself to see how it goes. If I had a choice, I would choice for them not to be in the smae classes too often so they can grow independently.

[ocracoke]

I think I would agree with the idea of separating them. They have been together all their lives and giving them a chance to learn independence would be good. Plus it could double their friend pool. I had several twin friends growing up. Those that were treated as individuals grew up more secure in who they were and developed their own personalities. Those that were treated as a set seemed to have a dependence on the other that was in some way devastating to one twin when the other broke away (like going to separate colleges). My daughter has a set of twins in her class at day care. They are dressed the same every day and have their hair the same. They only play with each other, are delayed in their speech and social skills. And they are not fully potty trained yet -- they are almost 4. I think if these girls were given more independence they would advance faster in their environments.

Samantha

[GCS]

It is not an option at our school but if it were I would separate them. We have twins in both my kids classes and I think it would have been wonderful for them to have had their own identity in each class.

Not an educator, just my thoughts!

[mikiment]

Thanks to everyone for their responses/ideas. You've made a lot of good points, and I really appreciate it.

I also reread an article by Patricia Irwin Johnston, who strongly discourages "artificial twinning" (understandably so), and makes these points in particular:

"As your children grow, support their close friendship but discourage what could be their inclination to become “twin entwined” as exclusive friends who are frightened of separation from one another.

Give serious consideration to planning from pre-school forward to separate your children in school by more than just different rooms and teachers for the same grade. There are two ways to do this: you may decide to hold one back from the beginning (boys in particular often benefit from starting formal kindergarten at 6 rather than 5) or, if the cognitive development of both children makes it in their individual best interests to start school at the same time, you might consider sending them to separate schools. "

OK, all due respect, I'm not sending them to separate schools or holding one back unnecessarily when both seem developmentally ready for school(!) But it DOES seem to underscore that it is very important for both to be fully supported and treated as separate individuals -- and I can see that it COULD be too easy for them to become overly dependent upon each other during school, or be lumped together inappropriately as a "unit" (i.e., the "Smith" kids) if they are within the same classroom. (sigh - guess I better get my roller skates prepped, lol.)

Will let you know, but after reading this article and everyone's comments and talking to my pediatrician, I'm now leaning toward separate classrooms. I'll wait to talk with the school admin/teaching staff next month, but this is how I'm thinking at the moment.

Thanks again for all your input!

[MkMw]

We have twin boys (fraternal) who are in 1st grade.

They have always done everything together - same room, we had an AuPair for the short time I worked, then I was home with them. We went to all our activities together AND I even dressed them alike pretty much all the time, they on their own began dressing differently more often at 4, and now while they have completely different "styles" will occaisionally wear the same t-shirt at the same time. They have always had their own strengths, weaknesses and difference. People who saw them on a regular basis never had any problems telling them apart, and rarely referred to the them as twins.

They were in the same 3 year old pre-school class and 4 year old class. When it came time to start talking kindergarten I asked how they interacted during class when I wasn't there...And, was told that they rarely played together but would often do a quick "brother check" to see where the other one was. Not going across the room or playground, just looking around noting their presence and moving on. Because of this we decided to keep them in the same k-garten class (full day k-garten) and separate them in 1st grade. There was another set of twins (b/g) in their class, they did separate 3 year old class because the little boy was overly dependent on his sister, but were back together for 4 year old class and their parents were planning on keeping them in the same k-garten class and separating them in 1st grade as well.

They did fine in k-garten. The issues they had in k-garten had more to do with the dynamic of the class as a whole not because of their "twindom". I had some separate issues with with the school and "parted ways" for 1st grade, but had we stayed at that school, they would have been in the same class again.

I understand not forcing your kids to be clones of each other, but I truly think forcing them too far in different directions is just as harmful. Why discourage a close sibling relationship as long as it is not unhealthy? I would talk to their future k-garten teacher(s) to how they feel about siblings in the class room. Our school has been great, they have recess and lunch together, and when they need that extra brother time (usually the 1st week my husband is gone) they will send one to the other's classroom for a "station" at some point during the day.

My kids currently play on the same teams and the same sports. I know it won't be that way for ever, but I can tell you for right now it is way easier. They will start to determine what it is they want in the next couple of years, and we'll worry about it then. Part of them being on the same team is because for the last 2 years for Ihave been a "single" parent half the time and there is no way fro me to be in mor than one place at a time.

Also - about holding one back. I wouldn't do it. Andrew wears glasses and so some big kids on the bus decided he was the smart kid and James was the dumb one. It took me 6 months to undo that. Academically both my kids are doing well, but as the youngest in their class I think it would benefit them to be held back, one more than teh other. BUT we will talk to their school next year (another new school - 3 in 3 years) and see what they think. They will both repeat 1st grade, or both advance to 2nd. I won't split them and risk one being labeled as dumb.


I know that articial twinning is different than "regular" twins ...but well -there ya go! My .02

[proudmommyof 2]

My kids will be in the same room for Kindy next year. I have to agree with the above poster for my kids-they don't really interact, but they do "sibling checks". At first, it was problematic (they've been in the same spec. ed. pre-K for 1 1/2 years), b/c Tommy thought his job was to entertain Claire. That has worn off.

Our situation is different, however, as both of my kids will have assistants, and will have specialized eduation in place (K is 1/2 day, but kids with multiple disabilities sometimes do a full day program). I think that being together, at least in Kindy, will help them. They don't rely on each other, but one thing that does happen is that Tommy doesn't have the terror of school when Claire is there (he cried and cried when starting pre-K). Also, claire is a good translator for Tommy when he is frustrated and trying to tell a teacher something. Other than that, Claire plays exclusively with girls, and Tommy teams up with boys.

You can always put together or separate in 1st!