[amy126]

Hi all,

we are still in Moscow, and will be traveling home on Saturday, we are having a bit of a time with our new little one who is 20 months, and I was hoping that someone could help us out if they had ever gone through this.

When we made our 1st and 2nd visits, our son was very stand offish with my DH. We attributed this to all women taking care of him and he not being used to having a male present. Usually by the end of the visits, my DH was at least able to play with him, so that was very encouraging.

Well we have had him 3 full days now and he screams everytime my husband comes near him. No one can touch him, except for me. The lady at the restaraunt was wanting to help me take his coat off and he screamed, I can't take a shower and leave him in the main part of the room with my husband without him screaming the ENTIRE time. I know that this is only day three but since he would seem to come around by the second visit or so and those were only 2 hour visits, I am beside myself that he won't even let my husband play with him. Has anyone gone through this? If so how did you go about helping your child get over this anxiety?

Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate it.
Amy

[angelkisses0102]

Perfectly normal...his whole world has been rocked and he is clinging to you for dear life. In the orphanage he still on his turf...now NOTHING is familair or 'safe.'

Give him time, do not force it, and try to remain calm so he doen't pick up on your anxiety. Practice attachment parenting...carry him in a carrier if you have one...and really just give it time. Maybe shower while your lil' guy is sleeping...

Now, not to scare you...but for us...DS rejected DH for a very long time and it crushed DH at the time. Now, they are best buds...but it did take quite a while....and it exhausted me.

Hang in there and just know it will get better.

[mommyto4]

Hi Amy,
Your little guy is stressed and greiving this behavior is common for pi children. He has lost everyhting that was familiar to him. Actually it is a good sign that he is showing preference to you and signs of attachment, don't be discouraged. This is the beginning of his attachment to you, the mother. It is most beneficial for these children to attach to the mother first then they can more easily attach to other significant people such as the father. This adjustment period can take some time. Best wishes and God Bless.

[votemom]

yes our daughter kate had this issue. she wouldn't go near my husband for several months.

if you think about the intense anxiety that your little boy has, it will help you deal with it. put yourself in his shoes, and try to imagine how frightened and desperate he is.

and be thankful that at least he is going to you!!

that week in moscow about did me in. don't lose hope. things WILL get better. getting home and getting good solid sleep in your own bed does a world of good. the jet lag alone is enough to make everything seem worse.

keeping your expectations low helps too.

i'm excited to see pictures when you guys are home and a little more settled!

[Kasey]

Ditto to what everyone else said. Just try to imagine being in his shoes. While it is hard for you in terms of showering, etc.. work around it and give him what he needs which is you.
It may take time or it may be quick, but just hang inthere and be patient.

[MamaChinch]

These little guys are dealing with so much and they can only work on attaching to one parent at a time, encourage interaction with your DH, but don't force it. Maybe bubbles, pushing a ball back and forth will help get in some play time together....
He WILL come around, this is perfectly normal, be glad about that! HUGS to you all !!! (I ened up taking a bath with dd and then later on brought her into the shower with me.)

[cindyc]

Would it help if you show lots of affection to your husband, to visibly demonstrate that your husband is an "okay" person? (We had to do this with friends when my little guy came home - make a production out of shaking hands, smiling, and letting him know that a new person was a friend and not threatening.)

Hang in there. Prayers for getting through this!

Cindyc

[papedge]

It was funny while in the Samara airport Emma was in LOVE with her daddy we were 6 hours delayed in the air port what fun!!! the next moring in Moscow she wakes up and all you know what broke loose I could not leave the room or she would scream bloody murder I had to take a bath so she could sit on the floor and see me fast foward 1 week she was back in LOVE with her daddy. give him time


Kimberley

[Ktates]

Totally normal. Our DD actually cozied up to DH much more than me during our visits. Once we took her out of the baby home it was the complete opposite. Every day we had her spend a little time with DH but I had to be out of sight and earshot. She would initially scream/cry but then after a bit would calm down and play with him. It got a little bit better every day. Big difference by about 3 weeks - at least the screaming stopped! Check through some of my old posts.

But really - you aren't alone. Hang in there though - I know it's hard on your dh and hard on you as well. It does get better!

[sak9645]

What your child is doing is very normal.

Bonding to two new parents at once is very difficult for a child. Many, if not most, newly adopted children bond to one parent before the other.

Some children, naturally more mellow, may not have the intense reaction that yours is having. However, reactions like your son's are very common.

It is very important that your husband NOT show the slightest sign of rejecting your son, or being angry, when your son acts as he is doing. He may, indeed, feel slighted or hurt, but he really has to avoid taking his son's reaction personally.

Your husband should try to "court" your son, with your help. Let your husband be the one to give him dessert at dinner, or a snack that he likes. If your son wants a certain toy, let your husband be the one to hand it to him. When you go to the playground, let your husband push him in the baby swing, even if you must stand nearby so he doesn't get too anxious. These little things will help your son realize that Daddy makes good things happen.

And do some things together. Perhaps both of you can sit on the floor and roll a ball between you. If your son is interested, have Daddy roll the ball to him.

At bedtime, have both parents at hand, even if he chooses only to sit in your lap, for now. Gradually, have your husband show him the pictures in a book while you sit there.

Gradually begin leaving the room for a minute, while Daddy is with your son. Tears may flow at first, but your returning and leaving will soon become commonplace, and you may even be able to go to the bathroom in peace.

All in all, attachment to the second parent WILL develop, unless there are issues of abuse or neglect in your child's history; then, obviously, there is more to fear of your husband than simply the need to bond with one parent at a time.

And you may find, several months down the road, that you have quite the Daddy's boy, and that YOU may occasionally be the less preferred parent.

Sharon

[ddahl]

TOTALLY NORMAL! He has lost everything and is in a trauma situation. While you and your husband have gained everything, your son is entering a total meltdown stage. He has lost sound, smell, tastes and textures he has been familiar with for his entire life. The fact he wants you is totally wonderful! You are establishing trust and he is opening the door to let you in. Let DH help by supporting you. Chances are when he settles in at home you husband will need to pry him off like gun from a shoe. We went through this exact situation and now DH and DS are two peas in a pod. It happened very very quickly. If you ned a shower and baby can sit, put him on the floor of the shower with you. Your closeness with him will set the tone for secure attachment later in everything he does. I am sorry for your DH but rest assured its perfectly normal. I myself had to take a bath tub bath with DS because he screamed and screamed about me leaving the room. To be honest I wanted to run screaming from the hotel myself but we survived. Sending you hugs!

Have DH cover his face with a blanket while you all sit on the bed and do peek a boo, it might help. Also the Russian nannies at our baby home did not say peek a boo..... the caid "coo koo" ( like a bird cooing) in the same sing song tone as peek a boo. Have DH say things to him like:
"here-ashow" wich I am typing in english say it like its ok baby ""hereashow" and also say "DA VAI-DA VAI" These a gentle words to sooth baby.
Just some thoughts and I know you will all be fine!

[momtolee1993]

We brought our daughter home at 16 months from the Philippines, she had to be with me 24/7 and would not go to her Dad for a month...this is very very normal and understandable reaction. What we did to help build the relationship was I would walk into another room close by..as soon as she would start to cry my husband would pick her up and bring her to me. This helped build trust...he never tried to play just carried her to me and I would say "what a nice dad" ect... One year later she loves him to pieces :*)

[momraine]

Both of my kids bonded first to one. My dd was young and she only wanted me for a long time. Dh had a tough time, but the things that helped were watching her big brothers once we got home play with daddy, and he would do things like wheels on the bus games with her legs while she laid in my lap and peek a boo and other things. Also I made sure to kiss and hug him a lot in front of her. DS was another story, he decided when we got home that he didn't want a mom only a dad, and that took some time. He felt like he had already had enough moms but no dad. LOL It was very, very hard on me, but now he tells me he loves me. We were being silly the other day and I joked about leaving him in the store cause he was too expensive (he told me he cost four million dollars) his relpy was that as his mom it was my job to love him forever so I could not leave him there. I told him he was right and it felt so good that he understood that.

[amy126]

Thank you all so much for all of your suggestions and replies, you don't know how much it means to me to hear your stories and how they are very similar if not exactly like ours. I think I just needed some encouragement and that is exactly what you all provided for me. You guys are awesome!!

Today was a little better, we had a total melt down about the stroller, and I think everyone in Moscow now knows that Ben does not like the stroller hahah!!

All in good time though, his smiles and hugs to me, make it all better, even though I think it should be the other way around.

I love this group!!!

[momraine]

Be prepared for him to hate the carseat when you get home. I remember bringing dd home, my inlaws picked us up in two cars (cause they had our boys and we lots of luggage) so dd and I were in a car with my fil. She screamed all the way home! I was so jelous he could just turn off his hearing aids. She totally hated the car seat for the first few rides.