[Waiting_for_my_baby]

We just got back from meeting the little guy that was referred to us. He is a doll too! We have a little issue & I'm looking for some advice or anything really. I received an upsetting email when we got home from our IA Dr. She thinks he is high risk FAS. I see parts of where she can say that, but us being with him we don't really feel that. Trust me, I have educated myself on this syndrome, but I'm no dr.

So were any of you told this about your referrals? If so, how did you decide & how is your child today? We would really appreciate any help you could give us. Thank you so much.

[amyfk]

HI,

I am sorry to read about your disappointing news. You should only accept a FAS impacted baby if you feel ready to parent one.
Our first referral from our agency was deemed highly likely to have FAS. We had an IA doctor from home look over the medicals and the photos etc and she was so sure that this child had FAS that she didnt sound encouraging at all. Mind you she didnt tell us not to adopt, but she wasnt positive in the least.
From the Head circumference size(and based on the HC charts) to the growth of the baby in general(she had failure to thrive and wasnt growing regularly either) and from the facial features, the doctor was pretty certain we had received a refeerral of an FAS baby. The doctor gave us something to read of a photo of the face and the probability of the child having FAS based upon facial characteristics. The main one being the philtrum above the lips but I think there were others too.
Ironically just as we handed in our dossier we got the referral ofthis beautiful baby(and she was adorable). Usually you have to wait for a girl baby referral even back then, so there was something probably fishy going on in that other families rejected her and her referral was passed down the liine. I do wish that a family who felt comfortable with her needs would have stepped up to the plate to adopt her. I dont know what happened to this little girl.
You have to be honest with yourself. You may want to read about FAS here and on FRUA. Someone on Frua recently published avery candid account of what it's like to raise an older child with FAS. You have to know what to expect and feel that you can realistically deal with the financial, emotional, and medical ramifications of adopting a child with FAS. Only you can assess that for yourself.
Wishing you the best,
Amy K, NJ

[Kasey]

Has the doc seen everything from your trip, all the pics and video?

I think you need to have a phone chat with the doc and find out what areas concern her the most and provide her with any additional information.

If you really feel this is your child, would you consider a second opinion with another IA doc?

I think as Amy said you have to soul search and figure out what is best for your family. There are many parents who went into adoption expecting one thing with their children and ended up with something completely different and they wouldn't change a thing.

It sounds like you feel a connection with this little one, so the extra research and second opinion may be in order.
So sorry you are going through this, lots of thoughts headed your way!

[MissDaisyofTexas]

Hi there...can you get a 2nd opinion from another IA doc? Some are more conservative than others. I know how hard this must be!

[ddahl]

While I am sure you are totally shocked by this email, I guess I am shocked that your agency would have you travel to meet a child with (possible) FAS as well. Although a lot of FAS kids have "normal" lives without a lot of issues. Without all of the details, its hard to advise. I believe its much easier to turn down a referral you have not met and held and are already starting to love. My God, what do these agencies think we can handle????

I would send everything to another IA doctor right away. Get as much additional information as you can. There are also doctors in Russia that can, for a fee, go to evaluate the referral in person. It will be worth it to have the information whatever you decide. There are varrying degrees of FAS. Can you accept those degrees if your referral tips the balance on one side of the FAS spectrum or the other? These are all questions you will have to be brutally honest with yourself about. Now I am going to tell you two short stories....

Our referral was evaluated before we traveled so we had a pretty good idea what to expect going in. When we met him, he was perfect. When we went back for trip two, he was a total emaciated wreck. He was thrashed and had lost a very signifigant amount of weight. Had we seen him in this condition on trip one we would probably not have accepted him on trip one and it would have broken our hearts but we knew emphatically what we were prepared to deal with and what we were not prepared to deal with.

Second story.... We have since discovered that our son was exposed to many things in utero and that he was not a full term baby. We know now that he was born either in the last week of the 6th month or the first week of the 7th month. We discovered, back at the hotel, that the base of his spine has a small sacrael pouch. He was likely born days after the opening to the spine fused otherwise, he would have spina bifida. You can imagine our shock at the first poop diaper change to discover what on first inspection appeared to be an opening into the body. My point is that no matter what information you think you have or don't have, more will always be revealed. Just as with biological children. There are no guarantees as you know.

For me, even knowing what I know now about my sons beginings and possible future struggles with a variety of premi issues, possible FAS, possible whatever, I am blessed that he is mine. I have found a new level of what I am prepared to deal with by having no prior notice on what to prepare for. We are totally punting here and it has and is all working out as planned. I send you my prayers that you find peace with your decision whatever it is and that you take time to listen to your own heart. To love a child is the greatest thing we can do and if you don't end up taking him then you must trust that you are making the right decision for you. I am just going to say it so if you have to say no, say it. No regrets! If you say yes, same thing, no regrets. Either way I would respect your decision and applaud you. Only we can know what we we can handle. Just a thought....Take care!

[Waiting_for_my_baby]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. We are exploring all of our options and ofcourse doing more research on FAS. This is one of the hardest decisions we will ever have to make. Our family and friends have watched our videos and are as dumbfounded as we are. He is really just a smart kid, listens so well, follows directions, interacts with the other children so well. I think in our hearts we know what we need to do, but my brain is kicking in & I just want to be educated on this. He is small for his age, but he is very porportionate. He falls into the the lines of all charts I have looked at. He barely falls in them, but he's there. We are considering a second opinion as well.

amy- Thank you for suggesting the FRUA website, I was able to get some great info from it, as well as searching through old posts on here.

miss daisy & kasey- Thank you for the advice. Yes we did fall in love with him.

ddahl-Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your words really touched our hearts.

[ddahl]

One other item I wanted to add was no matter what we see or have evaluated, there is just no information like being able to see the birth family. We did a birth family search and our son could be an identical twin to his bio-sister who is 1 year older and also if you look at his eyes, at first inspection it could look FAS-ish but his bio grandmother is of Kazak descent and she has the same eyes. Thank God we have seen her and know the eyes do not show FAS but rather DNA.

I am attaching pics from our referral, first trip, second trip, home 1 year and home 3 years. DS was 17 pounds at 18 months and wearing size 9 month clothing. He was on the charts by a milli-smidge... Look at him now! What a huge differnce food and a bath make!

[pwnort64]

You don't indicate specific features or reasons the doctor suspects FAS. But I'll share my story.

I received my referral which included a 3 minute video and a 3 sentence family/medical history of a 12 month old little boy. The video had no sound to it. I forwarded all that I had to my IA doctor and then met with her personally at the end of the week.

When we sat down together, we watched the video and she pointed out all of the things in the video that were signs of an on target development, things I would never have known to look for...like reaching for things, pulling himself up on the side of the playpen, turning his head to look when something made a noise. She concluded her review with the words that she felt like it was an excellent referral with the exception of the head circumference. She said that if the head circumference were accurate, she would put the referral in the high risk category...but what she saw on the video developmentally didn't match the head circumference.

Ah, what to do now? I realized that there was no way I was going to get updated measurements...so I had to do some deep soul searching and listen to my heart and my gut. They both screamed at me to accept his referral.

When I traveled a few months later, I measured his head myself and confirmed the teeny, tiny head circumference. But other than the number on the tape measure, there were no other red flags. He was small for his size and barely on the charts for anything when I brought him home.

Today, my son is 5 and in kindergarten. His teacher has recommended that he be tested for the gifted and talented program as he is ahead of many of his peers. He is loving and charming and funny and bright and exasperating...the same as every other 5 year old. Oh, and he still has a small head and is in the teen percentiles for height and weight.

At the end of the day, you have to make the decision that feels right for you and your family. But depending on what exactly the doctor is seeing, sometimes a number is just a number or facial characteristic is just genetic.

Good luck.

[amyfk]

Dear Waiting,

I wish you the best with your struggles and your decision. If you need to talk, PM me and Ill give you my email. Im sure we've all been there on this board and we can all relate. The decision to accept/pass on a referral was the most difficult part of the process for me, more so than the wait, the paperwork, etc. So I do understand.
Amy K, NJ

[Ebadge90]

My only suggestion is to make up your own mind. No matter what any doctor, family member or poster from this board says, the decision is solely yours. If you feel like you have connected with this little boy, and you feel comfortable adopting him, do it. If not, don't.

[proudmommyof 2]

We have the sweetest son who is severely impacted by FAS. Our youngest is full-blown-features, microcephaly, developmental delay, the whole nine yards. He's perfect.

We weren't looking into adopting kids with SN. We were looking for the healthy, young as possible referral. Our oldest is 8 now. No red flags during visits, typical delays. He does now go to special ed. for reading and math. He's dyslexic, and gets OT. He'll be fine, though, I think. I think he'll need spec. ed. for a couple of years.

We adopted #2 from Russia 3 years after #1 came home. We didn't have an IA doc look at his referral. And I'm not sorry. He was 6 months old at the time we received his referral. We got a call a week before we were set to travel for trip #1, at age 11 months, that something was wrong with him, but the agency wanted us to look at another child. At the time they thought he had cerebral palsy. Really, he was classic FAS at the time. But we were in love.

Am I sorry? No way! We ended up with the sons we were meant to have. I never intended to be a mom to kids with special needs, but we welcomed home the boys' sister almost 2 years ago-a now 6 year old princess from Korea with cerebral palsy. Never did any of us SN moms go into this intending to become SN moms, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

You can look back at some of my old posts and see that it was a struggle to accept with Tommy at first, and that I went through denial, then realization that something was wrong, and found our way to FAS. If I could "fix" the kids, I would, but right now I think they are perfect.

[proudmommyof 2]

Hey, ddahl-Dixie-your little sweetie has coloring just like mine.

BTW, Tommy puts his two middle fingers in his mouth to suck on them too. I've never seen anyone else do that before. That is his going to sleep clue!

[momraine]

My little sister used to do that to get to sleep too!

[MamaChinch]

I also say get a second IA doc to review your information on this little guy! Your heart will lead you in the right direction!
Good luck!

[cmmandjam]

our IA doc said he would not rule out FAS because of facial features. our coordinator then warned us to reconsider and not take this litely. when we brought photos and video home to a local IA specialist, he thought the first doc must have been confused and stated that our little guy showed no signes of FAS. a second opinion might serve you well. go with your heart. good luck!!!