[MustangLippy]

Anyone else viewed the trailer for the upcoming 20/20 feature on foreign adoptions?

ABC News: Watch '20/20' Friday Nights at 10 p.m.

Anyone else get the feeling that this may be another sensationalized piece based on this preview?

The 11 year old little girl has been home 1 week and the parents wonder why she's crying all over the house and "learn" that she's displaying RAD tendencies? After one week??? She's been ripped from everything she knows and is in a house with total strangers (who are following her around with a video camera by the way rather than trying to interact with her) and they wonder why she's not all smiles?

I suppose we'll have to watch it to see how it unfurls. I hope its not another story where they find the most ignorant APs they can possibly locate and then present their story as gospel.

It's Nov 28th at 10:00pm

Angela

[angelkisses0102]

This story (at least one of them if there are more) played out over the past three years on frua.org...the family which disrupted was VERY well informed....although they had a truly horrible agency. It was a very long, hard, and sad story. The family that did the new adoption also is extremely well informed...and working very hard to heal the little girl with RAD...their second older child adoption of a true RAD little girl. The Ranch For Kids (where the little girl ended up between placements) also posts on occassion at frua.

The hope from all of the three mentioned above is for this being an educational piece...it has been delayed several times already. Of course, it is 20/20...but if the story is told properly and truthfully...it will be an eye opened for many.

[Kasey]

The trailer is quite sensational and I really hope not the way the story should play out, especially given the fact that the Ranch for Kids is a great alternative for kids in crisis.
It is a sad story all around and hopefully people do learn from it, I think many people already have given the fact it began 5 years ago.
I also see it being rehashed on FRUA now as well.

Though, I do have to comment on the "horrible agency" comment, as we were with them at that same time (summer 2004) and also again two years later. We felt well prepared and educated and well taken care of, I felt they were a great agency for us, especially given the fact we had switch them after a bad experience with another agency.

It definitely was a bad situation, possibly not handled well by all involved, and I am sure probably everyone (including the agency) have learned from it as well.
I will be watching Friday and hoping it is good journalism!!

[calikismet]

Originally Posted by angelkisses0102

..although they had a truly horrible agency.

With all due respect, I don't think that this comment is fair, Karen...as far as I know, your dealings with the agency implicated in all of this is 2nd hand at best, prob 3rd hand (blogs, FRUA, etc). I also do NOT believe that any single adoption is a reflection on the agency as a whole..so I think a blanket statement about a "truly horrible agency" is inappropriate, mal-informed, and irresponsible on a public forum.

[amyfk]

I dont know much about this so I will watch (try to be objective) on Friday evening. I think the agency in question was the agency I used. I wouldnt call them lousy, I wouldnt call them great, they were in the middle.
Amy K, NJ

[nhook]

I watched it and it saddened me.

I thought that it made Russian children look bad, although they said a couple of times, that most adoptions have happy endings.

I was upset with these parents that they are suing the agency for not telling them that these 2 kids were going to have RAD. We all sign something stating that we accept whatever diagnosis these children have when they come home. From what I saw, these parents overindulged these kids. If it were me, I would sell my big house, quit my job and tackle this problem everyday from the very beginning. On the other hand, I feel sorry for these parents, because they are hurting and I don't think they had any idea what to do when the older daughter was walking around crying for days.

I just hope this program doesn't deter parents from adopting from Russia.

[beckyww]

I didn't watch it (but would like to.)

Our agency prepared us very well for the possibility of RAD. In fact, they basically tried to scare us out of adopting with a 2-day mandatory seminar, forced reading books and articles, on-site discussions w/adoptive parents, etc.

However.....I have personally dealt w/two families w/RAD children whose agency prepared them for nothing. No seminar. No mandatory or suggested reading. NOTHING. Just "here you go." These were not stupid people, but they were most assuredly un-prepared and stunned with what they were dealing with when they got home. Truly, they researched car purchases better.

They had good intentions - and we all know where those lead.

I dunno. Adopting is such a huge decision. A child is not a puppy you tire of and drop off at the SPCA, or a job that irritates you so much you quit. We can all say "it's for life" but look at the divorce rate - all that "until death do us part" stuff can pale in comparison to living w/an abusive psycho or whatever. Sometimes things just don't work, no matter how hard you want them to.

I think it gets tricky when parents have to juggle multiple concerns - like other children in the home. In those cases - like ours - the family train is already on a track and basically a new child has to hop on. They are not going to change the direction of the train, nor do they get to decide to derail some of the cars. It's the train. It's what it is. It existed before they came home, and reality is that while the family train may blow the whistle differently, or be painted a different color or whatever - nobody is going to be willing to have it jump the tracks for an addition.

That - as selfish as it sounds - was why I was only willing to work at learning a few words of Russian. I knew Julia was smart. I knew she'd learn English. And our family isn't going to speak Russian. I wasn't going to pretend we were. And other than a few events at which I represented my agency, I'm not real keen on dragging everyone to adoptive family events sponsored by churches or whatever. There comes a point where "adopted" is low on the list of attributes that require special daily care and feeding. Not that it's not acknowledged. But it doesn't define. Basketball practice. Brownies. Family nights. School plays. Sunday School. - those we bend for and celebrate and whoop and holler. But to drag a family of six to an event where only one element of one member's make-up is supposed to be the focus of all attention....ummmm....I guess if we had time. And if Julia was keen on it. Which sounds selfish and harsh, or like we're trying to ignore she's adopted. Which we aren't and we don't.

There's just balance in everything. And as much as I might want to "do something" for one child, there are others to consider. And there's only so far I'm going to bend, because I'm not going to ask everyone else to bend or break.

It's a tough, tricky subject with so many loops and twists. Every family is different - not only their resources, but also their inclinations. I can't sit in judgement on a family that disrupts, any more than I can sit in judgement on a couple that divorces. I have known couples that never should have married and divorce didn't surprise me at all. And I've known couples that I was certain shouldn't have children, and it's always a mess. But I've also known loving families who just seemed to give birth or adopt a child that could not or would not fit for whatever reason. Who knows why? RAD? FAS? Genetics? Just plain choice? Whatever - the outcome is the same. Heartache and pain all around.

As we all know - international adoption is not for the faint of heart. But neither is it for the devoid of prepared. Anyone or any agency who paints a totally la-la-la picture is foolish and deceiving. And just plain mean.



Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by beckyww

That - as selfish as it sounds - was why I was only willing to work at learning a few words of Russian. I knew Julia was smart. I knew she'd learn English. And our family isn't going to speak Russian. I wasn't going to pretend we were. And other than a few events at which I represented my agency, I'm not real keen on dragging everyone to adoptive family events sponsored by churches or whatever. There comes a point where "adopted" is low on the list of attributes that require special daily care and feeding. Not that it's not acknowledged. But it doesn't define. Basketball practice. Brownies. Family nights. School plays. Sunday School. - those we bend for and celebrate and whoop and holler. But to drag a family of six to an event where only one element of one member's make-up is supposed to be the focus of all attention. Which sounds selfish and harsh, or like we're trying to ignore she's adopted. Which we aren't and we don't.

There's just balance in everything. And as much as I might want to "do something" for one child, there are others to consider. And there's only so far I'm going to bend, because I'm not going to ask everyone else to bend or break.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

I have never seen this put so well. Adoption should not define every moment of every day. I see blogs titled: What Do I Feed My Adopted Child?, When Should My Adopted Child Go To Kindergarten?, etc.
I fully expect to see How Many Times A Day Should My Adopted Child Go To The Bathroom? -- like, maybe more than your not-adopted child to make up for being deprived of a flush toilet for the first years of his life?
Yes, they WERE adopted. But now they ARE family. A different family -- different start, different colors, different age groups, but still a FAMILY. There will be problems caused by the fact of adoption and there will be problems that are just caused by the random acts of living -- we have to accept both, and deal with both, and not, as one writer put it "look at everything my child does through the 'adoption microscope'!"

And yes, I know RAD is a big problem. Twenty years ago I adopted a child with RAD, but we didn't know that RAD existed. We were told "Love will be enough."
It has taken me twenty years of love (and therapists and probation officers and 'tough love' and AA and God) to carve out a good relationship with my child. It isn't the one I dreamed of, but it is better than the one I was afraid of. I never blamed "adoption" for our problems. I just said "that's the way she is. Now I have to accept it and work with it." And here we are.

[BethanyB]

I understand that raising some of these kids can be very trying but that is what you sign up for when you adopt a child. You are that child's parent now. Bringing home another child when one of your kids is having HUGE problems is not the best idea. So now they can't afford to get their kids help? But they could afford to go and adopt three kids from Russia and they can afford the mega mansion they are living in but they can't support these kids. Maybe sending them off to a boarding school was not the best decision. Following kids around with a video camera when they are upset and angry is probably not another good choice. If you were fighting with someone and crying, would you want someone to have a camera in your face saying turn around, turn around as they are trying to avoid the contact? Just sad.

And being shocked that a girl who was abused in the past, lived in an orphanage, and then taken to a strange country with strangers who can't even talk to her because of a language barrier, is now acting out is crazy. Of COURSE she that would be traumatic. Of course she is going to feel scared and hurt and vulnerable.

I agree that agencies need to be more upfront but I also think parents have to have realistic ideas of what has happened to these kids in the past and how that will affect how these kids will act in the future.

[LeighM]

I truely believe if parents are going to adopt a child that is non english speaking those parents should be required to learn some back language from that country to assist in the transistion. These people had this poor girl labeled RAD in a week - that is nuts. Why didn't they bring someone in there home who could speak the language to find out what was going on.

And why people think you can adopt and have the perfect family is beyond me. No one knows with our birth children or our adopted children what we will face.

And I agree bringing in a third child was not in anyone best interest.

Educating yourself is the best thing you can do. I am not saying sitting at a computer reading about the issue. Get out in the community and find support groups, Dr who specialize in the specific area's that are consistant with adopting a child from a specific country -and the common problems associated with the country.

I have a lot more views on the subject but I will keep them to myself.

[karenmarq]

Yes, I couldn't understand either why, when there were issues with the older daughter from the get go, they would decide that adding a younger boy also from Russia would be a good idea.

I also couldn't get the basis of their law suit against the adoption agency.

Was it that they were not told about the circumstances of the children (raised in alcoholic family where their younger brother seemed to have been beaten (to death?) in front of them? How did they find this out...later?

Or, that they were not aware that adopted children from Russia can have problems?

The woman who ran the ranch was SO admirable and such a straight shooter.

And, I what I take from the ranch experience for the children is that they really responded to a simpler existence, structure, responsibilites, being around other children with similar circumstances, animals and outdoors.

[beckyww]

Okay, I just watched it online. I saw and heard what everyone else saw and heard. And I'm sure I have the same sad emotions.

Where is what I DID NOT hear:
"Our international adoption doctor said....."
"We didn't think it was RAD because of what this book said....."
"Other adoptive famiiles warned us to look for....."
"Our agency recommended....."
"Our social worker advised us...."
"After we called an intrepeter, we discovered...."

This Mulligan story reminds me of adoptive families I talked to who adopted in the 90's - what I called "Wild West" adoptions. I could tell a minute into a conversation if I was going to hear a disaster story. Invariably, the parents fell in love w/a picture. Great intentions. No reading. No talking to other parents. No IA doctor eval. No agency screening. No user boards. No support groups.

No nothing but good intentions.

Not that those preparations guarantee anything smooth. But it's sort of like driving a car in good shape, wearing a seatbelt - it improves your chances of surviving a wreck.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

p.s. I wish 20/20 - instead of just focusing on the pathos here - would go to the trouble to talk to families who have adopted successfully and relay some of their strategies. Don't just blather about how baddddd something is. Boo-hoo. Tell people what works.

[marcy2006]

Ok, so I am new to this board here with Russian adoption, but have been in process with Vietnam for over a year in a half before we switched countries. I really do not understand this interview. I feel as beckyww said....what did there doctors say, what did they do to prepare themselves to adopt. I am not criticizing the family, i am criticizing the journalism. 20/20 made it seem that this family did nothing but turn to the ranch for help in desperate despairity.....It would have been great to hear more information on the what the family did to educate themselves.
I watched this in disbelief. It made me really sad to see that a family was not prepared or so it seemed in the interview. It scared me, but not away from the adoption process, but only to educate my husband and I even more on these issues.
I have to say the Ranch director seemed to treat this kids honestly, created structure, etc. This needs to be done for all children, adopted or biologically. I have a firends child that is wild as can be, gets into trouble, mean streak, etc. that is biological, but had little structure in life. Now getting therapy and doing better, but is living with Consequence. I am not saying the situation is the same, but anything can happen, biological or adopted....

I am reading a book now called "Parenting your Internaitonal Child" by Patty Cogen. I highly recommed it as it not only educates one on problems you will encounter, but ways to tackle the problem and hints to help learn how the child is feeling.


Melissa
PAP

[momraine]

I just want to remind everyone that we need to make sure not to make personal attacks. None of us knows the full story. No familie's full story could be fully covered in a one hour show (which was really closer to thirty minutes because of commercials)
Also until you have lived with RAD, it's hard to understand what it does to a family.

[karenmarq]

The frustrations of the family were very obvious, and I think we could all feel those emotions as we saw the tape.

I just don't see how they would have a lawsuit against the agency. I suppose that these adoptions were a few years back and perhaps there were not as many books or information available then, but they must feel that the agency misrepresented something.

Like others have said, where were the ia doctors, social workers, etc., especially with the boy who has brain damage?